Friday, December 11, 2009

Tips on How to Kick Ass at Monopoly

Monopoly can be more than a frustrating game when you’re losing, but a victory can be more rewarding than a Nobel Peace PrizeUnfortunately, for most losing at Monopoly exceeds irritation to the point of “Hulk-esque” flip-outs, causing the game to come to an abrupt end, and robbing the victor of their celebratory fist pumps and crotch chops.


ARRGH! HULK WANTED PARK PLACE!


Today I am going to share with you a few helpful tips that will end your Monopoly losing streak, giving you the overwhelming joy of financial success while not robbing you of your God given right to be an incompetent failure.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Johnson Brothers Around the World


Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around our home town every holiday! We should get out more."

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Questionable Sunday Comics

Every Sunday I eagerly await my newspaper so I can delve into the worlds of my favorite comic characters. Usually their antics are goodhearted and fun, but every once in a while I'll find a cartoon that is...questionable at best. Today I have decided to share with you some of the more questionable Sunday comics I've come across.

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing any of the pictures, just click on them to see a larger image.)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Quest to Find Out if the Prince of Persia Movie is Real

Recently Disney released a new trailer for their latest film venture, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It’s produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the titular Prince. For those of you unaware of these Hollywood players, Bruckheimer is the man behind great films like Pirates of the Caribbean, as well as shitty films like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3. Gyllenhaal is the emo kid from Donnie Darko who made out with Heath Ledger.
When I first saw the promotional poster it didn’t seem real to me. It looked like a fake movie poster you would see on Entourage.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Poems for Kids!

Ghosts are Spooky!

Halloween is great, the ghosts rise from the grave,
And, fly through the cool autumn sky
They haunt little girls and little boys too!
But, you shouldn’t be scared, just say hi!

Most are friendly, like Casper and Boo
And just want to wish you well
Unless you get the ghost of John Wayne Gacey
Who will drag you with him back to hell

Yes, he kidnapped young boys
Their knees he would scrape
As he strangled them violently
After a brutal rape

So be good to your ghost friends
During the Halloween season!
Except John Wayne Gacey
Who will rape and murder for no particular reason

Thursday, October 22, 2009

WVU vs Marshall: Whose Side Are You On?



 West Virginia is a proud state that has many colleges claiming residency, schools such as West Virginia Wesleyan, Fairmont State, and Bethany College. But, none are as prominent as West Virginia University and Marshall University, the two biggest colleges in the state. Because of Marshall and WVU’s long standing history, many like to claim that the two universities’ are rivals and any interaction between the two should be seen as a major event, exploited by promotions that throw around the words “friends”, “coal”, and “of”.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Blog Action Day 2009: How Climate Change and Rush Limbaugh COULD Shape the Future

September 15, 2014. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The Office of President Rush Limbaugh.

It's been almost two years since President Rush Limbaugh took office, and the world's climate has gone through horrifying change. The President's crusade against global warming awareness, (deeming it “liberal bullshit") has brought the world to the brink of environmental catastrophes of Michael Bay like proportions. Since The JohnsoNation has become the most reliable source of news in the country, I felt it was my duty to sit down with the President and discuss the current state of not only the country, but of the world itself. I entered the Oval Office and found him reviewing his approval rating; a staggering zero percent. Once a powerful radio personality and political leader, he was now a shell of his former self.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West bum rushed Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event; a country song won an award at a non-country centric musical award show. Everyone accused Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us. He was trying to save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Guest Blogger Alena McAllister: Twilight of the Stupid

When my good friend Andrew asked me to guest blog for him, we spent some time brainstorming about what exactly I might want to write on. Nothing was getting me motivated until Andrew thought of a topic that was timely, culturally-relevant, and got my ire going enough that I'd be able to ramble on about it for a few hundred words. What Andrew asked me was, "How do you feel about Twilight?"

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The JohnsoNation Summer Internship

This past summer I decided it was time to give back to a world that I have taken so, so much from, and develop an internship program for my thriving new company. I have to say that this year was a huge success, and we here at The JohnsoNation Corporation are very excited to continue the program next summer. For all you potential new interns, here are excerpts from our last intern's journal to give you an idea of what our program is all about.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Unopened Letters to the World

Have you ever gotten really mad at someone? So angry that you just had to get it out before it over took you and sent you on a gun toting killing spree? Well I feel that way very often. But, instead of grabbing a silenced AK47 and capping people Grand Theft Auto style, I decided it was probably better to just put my frustrations down on paper. I had always heard that writing a letter and not sending it was very therapeutic, and I have to say that after writing at least a dozen a day, it sure does keep those murderous rages in check.

Today I decided to share with you all some of those unsent letters in hopes that it can inspire you to take out your aggression in words instead of fisticuffs. And, to those of you who these letters are about, I am sorry my feelings toward you had to get like this, but lets be honest...this has been a long time coming.


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Vampire Kids Suck Part 2

I was surprised to find that the “mall” they were talking about was nothing more than the local shopping center. And, the “court” they were talking about wasn’t a vampire sex lair at all; it was just the food court. Disappointed, but still eager to see some blood splatter, I entered the mall with a new found dedication to vigilante justice. I was excited at the prospect of jumping in after they made their kill and eliminating them Blade style. I took a seat at the far end of the court to keep a low profile, but still close enough to hear their conversation. I listened intently as I whittled a stake out of some chopsticks I got at PF Chang’s, and doused myself in the garlic I got from Olive Garden.

“We need to make a decision Vampier,” said Russell the fat vampire.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Vampire Kids Suck Part 1

Chapter 1

“I have a full house!” Kyle exclaimed, joyfully reaching for the chips.

I looked down at his cards and shook my head. “No you dip shit. That isn’t a full house. You don’t win.”

“Are you sure?” he asked with a stupid look on his face. “You told me a full house was 3 of a kind and two of a kind.”

“Yeah, but they all have to be the same card,” I lied. “Besides, my 2 pair would beat your full house anyway.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” said Wade who was sitting across the table from Berry and looking even more stupid, mostly because of his red hair.


Friday, April 17, 2009

John Madden Announces Retirement, Sports World Rejoices

John Madden’s last game as a football commentator was announcing a thrilling Super Bowl in which he had no interest in.

John Madden, one of the sports most decorated announcers and greatest coaches, announced his retirement on Thursday. With this announcement he officially ended a storied career that seemed to tailspin in the last decade. Yet it didn’t fit Madden’s style to think about his retirement that way.

“I love grinders,” he said when asked about his favorite part of the announcing job. “You just get all these free submarine sandwiches, these grinders, and go through them and when it’s all over, you think about it. That’s what I’ll miss the most…the sandwiches.”


Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Plan to Get My Student Loans Paid

I, like most Americans, am in a tremendous amount of debt. My debt however is not due to frivolous spending or an addiction to online poker. My debt stems from the greatest racket in the history of all mankind…college loans. Sometimes I sit back and think about all the money I would have right now if I had not pursued that golden goose. Where would I be if I wasn’t paying off loans for a degree that I’m not even really using? Instead I wasted five years of my life and spent money I didn’t have. Now I’m stuck paying off massive amounts of cash to a company that is as heartless as Timothy McVeigh.





Friday, April 10, 2009

Why I Called A Six Year Old A Lesbian: A Dramatized Explanation

I love kids. I love them so much I spent three different summers of my adult life mentoring them as a camp counselor. Kids generally love me to, I have a very teddy bear like exterior which they find appealing. But, every once in a while I meet a child that is more vindictive than Chubs whipping out that alligators eye in Happy Gilmore. Here is the story of my experience with one of those children.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

I "Read" Twilight: The Review

Before I get into this review I need to make two things clear:
1: This is not a review of the movie, it's a review of the first book in the series.

2: My opinion really doesn't matter.

Well to be more accurate my opinion doesn't really matter to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. When it comes down to making decisions, my opinion is the first one I seek out. It means a lot to me because I take time to think about my opinions, and I try to give everything an honest to God try. I think its important to learn about something before trying to pass judgement on it. For the most part people don't want your opinion if it doesn't already confirm their own. Nobody is really interested in debate; you either agree with them, or to hell with you. All too often people confuse taste with intelligence, and it ends up making us look uninformed and small minded. We take what we like and attribute that to what we believe is important to the world, and by doing this we severely limit ourselves in our experiences.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

3 Reasons Why I Think Natalie Portman Would Be Into Me

As my loyal readers know, I have had a somewhat on again, off again relationship with Natalie Portman. All of my friends have maintained that Natalie Portman would never be into me, considering the fact that she can literally have any man she wants. My argument is that I’ve never heard anything to contradict my assumption, but clearly that is not enough proof for my nay saying friends. So here are three reasons I think I could win not only her heart, but her bank account pin number and house keys.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Pull Off an All Nighter

It's that time of year again when college students nationwide crap themselves over their final exams. As the end of the year approaches, many students tend to cram for their final exams hoping their last minute attempts to accrue every bit of information that they can, will somehow eleviate their stress level. Well my college friends, I want to aide you by sharing with you some informaton that was helpful to me. When cramming, you will be tempted to pull all nighters. The all nighter is a dangerous act, and should always be treated with the utmost respect. If not, it will rip your face off and take what is left of you home to feed to it's young.


But, if you are foolish enough to attempt the all nighter, remember these important tips.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Text Message Roller Coaster

Yesterday was a particularly boring day at work, and since I no longer have access to facebook on my work computer, (thank you hospital IT assholes), I decided that I would conduct a social experiment. I picked 10 random friends in my cell phone and sent them a series of text messages. But, instead of the usual, “Hey, what’s up?” message, I decided to get a little more creative. The messages I sent started off as innocent, but quickly escalated to strange, then to concerning, and then finally to down right ridiculous.


Guest Blogger Robert Hibbs: WATCHMEN EXCLUSIVE: Rorschach’s Deleted Journal Entries

Today my "editor" Robert Hibbs found some never before seen entries of Rorschach's diary, and he decided to share them with you today.

October 15th, 1985
The city smells like eggs…scent pleases me…can’t explain why. Went to see Doctor Manhattan at military base, no one seemed to notice he was naked. Nudity distracted me from staying on task. Perhaps that's point.

Perhaps somebody wants to keep the good doctor in his birthday suit. Keep everybody looking in the other direction. Who would benefit from this? Who would benefit from stealing the clothes of a costume? Is there a cover up to keep the Doctor uncovered?
Hard to tell at this point… could be pants thief...could be government…could be the doctor started a family practice in a nudist colony.
No insurance…no walk-ins welcome…

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Letter Explaining Why I Can't Go Back To Sheetz

To the dick head in front of me in line at Sheetz,

I love Sheetz. They are unlike any other gas station chain in the world. I say this because their food doesn’t suck, and their coffee bar is absolutely stupendous.



This is the place where happiness is born.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Editor

Today started off as any other day… I ran four miles down my hill wearing a mesh t-shirt and tight track pants, fought a series of deadly ninjas, and treated myself to a snow cone at Dairy Queen (I usually try to get there before they open, as to avoid payment). When I got home, ready to wash the sweat, syrup, and ninja blood off of my glistening body, my phone suddenly rang. I answered, checking out my bulging biceps as I held the phone to my ear,

“Hello?”

“Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Hibbs’s assistant. He needs you to come to his office right away.”

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Things You Shouldn't Do In Disney World

I'm back from Florida more buff and tan than ever. While I was on holiday at Disney World, I learned a few things about myself...little soul searching and all. Also I learned something about Disney World that I wasn't aware of when I initially booked the trip. Now I am not confirming nor denying that I gained first hand experience in the following moments, I could have just learned it through careful observation. Needless to say if I had known this before hand, I might have skipped the trip all together.

Basically, Disney does not want you to get drunk in their parks.

This is a hard task when you're over 21 and in Epcot for two reasons. One is the fact that Epcot is boring as fuck when you're over the age of 10. There are 3 sweet rides then its all science stuff. If I wanted to learn I'd watch Mr. Wizard...I was there to lose brain cells from fast reckless rides. The other reason is that they serve alcohol...





...and when you can get a different kind of beer in each fake country display Epcot has, it is very easy to get smashed.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Guest Blogger Robert Hibbs: I-Pod, I-Phone, I-People, I-World

(Hello from sunny Florida. Since I'm on vacation a couple of guys have taken up the reigns of the blog for me this week. The first guest blogger is a man who needs no introduction, he is the great Robert Hibbs.)

First there was the I-Pod, that small hand held device that spared millions the annoyance of getting songs stuck in their heads by having all songs ever recorded captured in a thin rectangular box with a view screen and ear phones so that you could be in control of what musical sounds entered your brain, and spawned from the success of its massive sales came the I-Phone which is now the king of the I-Kingdom. The I-Phone has grown in popularity not only because of it’s easy to use innovative features but also because it firmly reinstates cell phone owners long forgotten need to show off how important they are by giving them a virtual cornucopia of endless annoying applications.


My Struggle

I'm really having a hard time today. I seem to have come to an impasse in my life, and I don't know what to do. Have you ever been burdened with such a huge decision, something that is life changing, but you just can't seem to make up your mind about it? Well that's what I'm going through right now.
When I started this blog I promised myself that I would never use it to unload my personal problems on my readers, but this situation has gotten so out of control I just don't know where else to turn. I need help with this massive choice people...

...because I just can't decide.

I can't decide if I like Watchmen or not.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Real Crappy Entry

Recently an new world issue has been brought to my attention. I can't take credit for discovering this new wave of idiocy, my friend Jonathan brought it up during lunch. Basically, what is happening is there is a tree hugging hippie group out there that wants us to stop using toilet paper.

Oh yes.

Greenpeace wants you to have swamp ass.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ashing Those Wednesdays

Today was Ash Wednesday, which is the day where Catholics smear dirt on there foreheads for no particular reason. It is the first day most of them go to church all year, and they get dirty.


Very dirty.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Love Letter for the Ages

As you know its very hard for me to be open with people. I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings, especially to you. I have to be honest, I thought it was over between us, that's why I moved on. Yes, I know I am married. She is a wonderful person and she loves me dearly, but deep down she knows that you were always first in my heart.

So now I'm going to say it: I still love you. I have tried to replace you with so many women, but when I saw you this past weekend, I knew that I should never have let you go...
I love you..

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Why I Am Done with Spider-Man

I never used to have a problem with you. Hell, I admired you. Your ability to face danger at any cost was a symbol of nobility that is not seen these days. But, lately I just can’t seem to stomach your presence. Please understand, I’m not saying I think you’re a bad person…



...I just can't stand you Spider-Man.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Worst Enemy

For years I have been struggling. I have been very vocal about my dislike for this person for a long time, but I have never outwardly said that I hated his very existence. Night after night I would sit at home and see this person effect the world in horrible ways, but what could I do? I am just a humble man who has no impact on the world, and this...monster...seems to have his hand in every aspect of the media. I don't know if it's ignorance, denial, or just a general apathy from the people, but I just can't take it anymore...I must now speak out against my greatest enemy.

This man is not just my enemy. He is also the enemy of thought. The enemy of creativity. He is the Lex Luthor of the film industry, the Adolf Hitler of imagination, and one of the worst criminals of the history of the human spirit.

This man is Michael Bay.