Friday, December 11, 2009

Tips on How to Kick Ass at Monopoly


Monopoly can be more than a frustrating game when you’re losing, but a victory can be more rewarding than a Nobel Peace Prize.


You'll probably work harder to win a game of Monopoly than he did to get this.

Unfortunately, for most losing at Monopoly exceeds irritation to the point of “Hulk-esque” flip-outs, causing the game to come to an abrupt end, and robbing the victor of their celebratory fist pumps and crotch chops.



ARRGH! HULK WANTED PARK PLACE!

Today I am going to share with you a few helpful tips that will end your Monopoly losing streak, giving you the overwhelming joy of financial success while not robbing you of your God given right to be an incompetent failure.

Monday, November 30, 2009

The Johnson Brother Trilogy: Part 1: Johnson Brothers Around the World



Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around Wellsburg! We should get out more."

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Guest Blogger Marcia Metz: I Knew I Should Have Made a Left After Thanksgiving

***Spoiler alert*** If you still believe in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy and/or the Mexican Midgets, do not read this blog.

Most of my favorite childhood memories are from the Holiday’s. Waking up Christmas morning to find that the bribe I left with Snarky the Elf for the big man paid off as I had a massive stash of presents from Santa Clause, or the time that the Santa at the Mall was arrested coming out of the bathroom with my 3rd grade teacher after eating the brownies he made him.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Questionable Sunday Comics

Every Sunday I eagerly await my newspaper so I can delve into the worlds of my favorite comic characters. Usually their antics are goodhearted and fun, but every once in a while I'll find a cartoon that is...questionable at best. Today I have decided to share with you some of the more questionable Sunday comics I've come across.

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing any of the pictures, just click on them to see a larger image.)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

My Quest to Find Out if the Prince of Persia Movie is Real

Recently Disney released a new trailer for their latest film venture, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It’s produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the titular Prince. For those of you unaware of these Hollywood players, Bruckheimer is the man behind great films like Pirates of the Caribbean, as well as shitty films like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3. Gyllenhaal is the emo kid from Donnie Darko who made out with Heath Ledger.
When I first saw the promotional poster it didn’t seem real to me. It looked like a fake movie poster you would see on Entourage.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloween Poems for Kids!

Ghosts are Spooky!

Halloween is great, the ghosts rise from the grave,
And, fly through the cool autumn sky
They haunt little girls and little boys too!
But, you shouldn’t be scared, just say hi!

Most are friendly, like Casper and Boo
And just want to wish you well
Unless you get the ghost of John Wayne Gacey
Who will drag you with him back to hell

Yes, he kidnapped young boys
Their knees he would scrape
As he strangled them violently
After a brutal rape

So be good to your ghost friends
During the Halloween season!
Except John Wayne Gacey
Who will rape and murder for no particular reason

Thursday, October 22, 2009

WVU vs Marshall: Whose Side Are You On?



 West Virginia is a proud state that has many colleges claiming residency, schools such as West Virginia Wesleyan, Fairmont State, and Bethany College. But, none are as prominent as West Virginia University and Marshall University, the two biggest colleges in the state. Because of Marshall and WVU’s long standing history, many like to claim that the two universities’ are rivals and any interaction between the two should be seen as a major event, exploited by promotions that throw around the words “friends”, “coal”, and “of”.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Blog Action Day 2009: How Climate Change and Rush Limbaugh COULD Shape the Future

September 15, 2014. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The Office of President Rush Limbaugh.

It's been almost two years since President Rush Limbaugh took office, and the world's climate has gone through horrifying change. The President's crusade against global warming awareness, (deeming it “liberal bullshit") has brought the world to the brink of environmental catastrophes of Michael Bay like proportions. Since The JohnsoNation has become the most reliable source of news in the country, I felt it was my duty to sit down with the President and discuss the current state of not only the country, but of the world itself. I entered the Oval Office and found him reviewing his approval rating; a staggering zero percent. Once a powerful radio personality and political leader, he was now a shell of his former self.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Stupid Native American Jerk in the Cupboard

Like most writers, I dream of seeing my work published. Unfortunately I have a tendency to fore go normal writing tasks such as editing and reading my work after I write it. I've tried many times to get my latest work published, but so far have been unsuccessful. Since copy wright laws prohibit me from publishing this work for profit, I have decided to give it to you, my loyal readers, free of charge.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West spotlight-raped Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event... a country song won an award at a non country music event. Everyone accuses Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us... save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Guest Blogger Alena McAllister: Twilight of the Stupid

When my good friend Andrew asked me to guest blog for him, we spent some time brainstorming about what exactly I might want to write on. Nothing was getting me motivated until Andrew thought of a topic that was timely, culturally-relevant, and got my ire going enough that I'd be able to ramble on about it for a few hundred words. What Andrew asked me was, "How do you feel about Twilight?"

Saturday, September 19, 2009

5 More Indie Artists You've Never Heard Of

Once again it’s time for me to carefully select a few musical acts that are relatively unknown to the majority of the public, and then chastise you for not listening to them. If you are interested in any of the artists than just click on their name and it will link you to their website. So dust off your iPod’s and start up your LimeWire while I inform you of five more indie artists you have never heard of.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Guest Blogger Simon Woods: Biggest Surprises and Disappointments of the Summer Movie Season

One of the best parts of having this blog is it gives me the opportunity to give my friends a venue to get their writing out to a wider audience. Today I am posting some movie reviews by my good friend Simon Woods, who has spent even more time at the movie theater this summer than I have.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

The JohnsoNation Summer Internship

This past summer I decided it was time to give back to a world that I have taken so, so much from, and develop an internship program for my thriving new company. I have to say that this year was a huge success, and we here at The JohnsoNation Corporation are very excited to continue the program next summer. For all you potential new interns, here are excerpts from our last intern's journal to give you an idea of what our program is all about.

Friday, August 14, 2009

"Vick"dication

I know I said I’d be back in September, but I wanted to post this entry before it no longer became relevant or topical. Yesterday Michael Vick was signed to a 2 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles and dog lovers everywhere lost their shit. I personally think it’s a good move on the Eagles part to sign a talented player, but apparently PETA and every lonely woman in the United States would rather Vick waste that talent by being banned from football for the rest of his life.

Now I’m not condoning what he did. Dog fighting is wrong and should be seen as such, but let’s put this in perspective, it’s not like he was selling heroin to babies or smothering retarded kids in their sleep. Sure he committed a heinous act, but is it really worse than a lot of other crimes that celebrities have been accused/convicted of?

Well here at the JohnsoNation, we are going to find out. I have comprised a list of celebrities that have been accused of, or convicted of different crimes. Let’s see if we can put this whole “Michael Vick” fiasco in the right perception. To help us weigh the severity of these crimes I have created a useful ratings system that is more than adequate at illustrating the severity of each offense. I call it the “Juice O’ Meter”. The worse the crime, the more O.J. Simpsons you get.

On a Juice O’ Meter scale, dog fighting fits pretty snugly in the 2 out of 5 O.J.’s range. But, because all of you stupid dog lovers who uphold that he deserves no less than 5 out of 5 O.J.’s, I’ve decided to meet you in the middle and give him a firm but fair 3 out of 5 O.J.’s. That is what we adults call a compromise; a decision that leaves nobody happy or satisfied. So now that we have Vick’s rating, lets move on to the rest of the criminal elite.

ShamWow! Guy Beats Up a Hooker

The Crime:
On February 7, 2009 ShamWow! owner and pitchman Vince Offer (real name Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami on a charge of battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute.

ShamWow he looks bad.

Offer contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go." Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the ShamWow! guy loves hookers more than Billy Mays loved a belly full of cocaine.


Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual.

The Verdict: If we punished every celebrity that has beaten up a hooker, than 75% of Hollywood and the starting lineup for every NBA team would be locked up.



1 out of 5 O.J.’s.



Kobe Bryant
“Rapes” a Woman

The Crime: Let’s forget for a second that every time a woman says “no” she really means “yes” and pretend that rape is real.

In the summer of 2003 Kobe Bryant was arrested in connection on the charge of sexual assault, a complaint filed by 19-year old hotel employee named Katelyn Faber. Faber accused Bryant of raping her in his hotel room. Bryant maintained it’s only rape if she didn’t like it, and she loved her some Kobe. After the news hit feminists around the world went ape shit and tried destroying Kobe’s career, labeling him as a rapist and sexist. The accusation tarnished Bryant's reputation, as the public's perception of Bryant plummeted and his numerous endorsement contracts were terminated.

In 2004 the case was thrown out when Faber refused to testify in court. But, since she had filed a civil suite against him before the criminal trial, Kobe still had to prove his innocence in front of a judge. In a display of his confidence that the whole ordeal would be ended in his favor, Kobe settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money.

The Verdict: Whether he did it or not, it’s hard to shake that whole “rapist” image. But, somehow Kobe Bryant has done just that, and has regained almost all of his sponsorships and his credibility as a role model. The fact that this whole ordeal was so easily forgotten leaves it open to say that he should get a low rating on the Juice O’ Meter. But, the reality that he hit this…

Katelyn Faber

At the risk of losing this…

Mrs. Kobe Bryant

Is the real crime.



2.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.




R Kelly: Can’t Spell Statutory Without “Child Pornography”

The Crime: On June 6, 2002, Kelly was indicted on 21 counts of having sexual intercourse with a minor following the release of a video tape in February 2002 that allegedly showed Kelly and a 14-year-old daughter of an associate engaging in sex. Between mopping his brow for sweat and nervously tugging at his shirt collar, R Kelly managed to deny being the man in the video. The parents of the alleged 14 year old denied that it was their daughter in the video while rolling their eyes and thumbing through large wads of cash.

When the case finally went to trial 6 years later, nobody really cared anymore about the sex tape. By that time the public was angrier with R Kelly over another video that he released…


The Verdict: Having sex with an underage girl, even if it is consensual, is not something to take lightly. Then again I know many guys who subscribe to the belief “If she looks 18 that’s good enough for me” mentality, so it would be obtuse to believe he would be the only guy guilty of the crime “thinking with your dick”.


3 out of 5 O.J.’s.




Donté Stallworth
Kills a Man

The Crime: On March 14, 2009, a legally drunk Donté Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian in Miami. Stallworth was headed toward the beach when he hit 59 year old Mario Reyes. Stallworth admitted to drinking the night prior to the accident, but got so blitzed he was still legally drunk at the time of the accident. Stallworth claims that he flashed his car's headlights to warn Reyes before striking him, believing this would be more appropriate than… you know… stopping.

How Donté Stallworth sees the world.

A Miami Beach police report said Reyes was not in a crosswalk on busy MacArthur Causeway when he was struck by Stallworth, who was driving about 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. Stallworth was charged with a DUI and second degree manslaughter, and was released on $200,000 bail. He pleaded guilty, and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation.

To put things into perspective, a football player will get 23 months in prison and three years probation for betting on a death match between Scooby Doo and Lassie, but only serve 30 days in jail for getting wasted and killing a Mexican with his car.

Only in America
.

The Verdict: Although the uppity assholes that treat their pets like their children will disagree, dogs are not human beings. Yes its easy to think of a pet like it’s a member of your family, but in the end it’s a dog. Even though it was accidental, Stallworth took the life of another human being. There are people that would argue that Latin Americans are not as cuddly or lovable as their dog, but my response is that they clearly have never met Jorge Garcia.




4.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.


Mike Tyson: Rapist, Possible Cannibal, All around Psychopath

The Crime: In July of 1991 “Iron” Mike Tyson was arrested for the rape of “Miss Black Road Island” Desiree Washington in an Indianapolis hotel room. He must have confused Washington with Lennox Lewis, who Tyson maintains that he will “fuck till you (Lewis) love me, faggot.”

After his release from federal prison Tyson returned to boxing. In 1996 and 1997, Tyson had a series of fights with World Heavyweight rival Evander Holyfield. In the ‘96 bout Holyfield got away with several head butts, something Tyson felt was unacceptable. In the ’97 rematch Tyson retaliated by biting Holyfield’s ear off.

Hey what are you doing? Are you about to...ahhh blaghraufigt!

You would think that tasting the flesh of another human being would be enough for Mike Tyson, but the blood of his enemy has only made “Iron” Mike more detached and dangerous than ever. Here are a few carefully selected quotes to help you understand what we are all dealing with;

On Razor Ruddock:

"March 16th, Mike Tyson [vs.] Razor Ruddock, Razor Ruddock dies. If he doesn't die, it doesn't count. If he's not dead, it doesn't count."

On Francois Botha:

"I think I'll take a bath in his blood."

On Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows:

"Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherfucker you're fittin' to die!"

More on Lennox Lewis:

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On the human race:

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating; I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

"When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him."

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep me from killing y'all!"

Yeah, this guy looks like a rational human being.

The Verdict: If you think Michael Vick belongs in jail and Mike Tyson doesn't, than please wear tin foil on your head so we know who you are.


5 out of 5 O.J.’s.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Season 1 Finale: Why I Don't Watch Wrestling Anymore

The other night my good friend Folden came over and we decided to do something that we hadn’t done in a long time; watch WWE Monday Night RAW. Years ago Folden and I were the perennial scholars of professional wrestling at our school. We were two dudes whose fandom could only be rivaled by each other, and it created a bond between us. We were fans before the wrestling boom in the late 90’s and we were fans after the WWE’s (formerly the WWF) popularity had faded. We appreciated the athleticism that was involved and the entertainment the storylines provided. We stuck with it, even when the show became a shadow of its former self.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Questionable Comics

I am a big fan of comic books. I love the intricate plots, the fantastic worlds, and the awe-inspiring super heroes that inhabit the medium. Like most comic enthusiast I have become quite the collector, and have amassed myself a very large assortment of comic books. While I am a huge fan of the characters who reside in these stories, I have not always agreed with the direction that the writers have taken them in. Sometimes an authors’ own beliefs or prejudices can reflect in his treatment of a character they are writing. Most of the time the character will be put in a tense moral situation that will ultimately make them come out stronger than when they went in, but occasionally a character will be written to display attributes and morals that are questionable, weird, or just plain horrible.

So today I toiled over my collection of comic books to bring you some prime examples* of controversial super-hero behavior, and show you that even super-heroes are not exempt from acts of bigotry, sexism, or general insanity.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Unopened Letters to the World

Have you ever gotten really mad at someone? So angry that you just had to get it out before it over took you and sent you on a gun toting killing spree? Well I feel that way very often. But, instead of grabbing a silenced AK47 and capping people Grand Theft Auto style, I decided it was probably better to just put my frustrations down on paper. I had always heard that writing a letter and not sending it was very therapeutic, and I have to say that after writing at least a dozen a day, it sure does keep those murderous rages in check.

Today I decided to share with you all some of those unsent letters in hopes that it can inspire you to take out your aggression in words instead of fisticuffs. And, to those of you who these letters are about, I am sorry my feelings toward you had to get like this, but lets be honest...this has been a long time coming.

***

Dear Fax Machine at work,

I’m getting really sick of your crap. Day in and day out you find new ways to piss me off. I don’t know when you and the paper shredder decided to switch prime directives, but I assure you I have had enough of it. If you continue to shred every piece of paper I try to fax, I will go Office Space on your ass.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson Esq.

P.S. Please let the shredder know that I am tired of having to personally cut up every document I try to send through it. I don’t know if it’s jammed or having a good laugh at my expense, but please remember that I have appendages, and I’ll throw you both out the damn window.

***

Dear Twilight,

I don’t understand why you are popular. I’m more interesting than you, why aren’t I popular?

Is it because I don’t sparkle?

Sincerely,

Vampire Hunter Johnson

***

Dear random April weather,

Make up your freaking mind already. Snow in April is completely unnecessary, not to mention a tad inappropriate. Get your shit together.

If you’re having a hard time and need to talk to someone, please…do not call me.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson, Meteorologist to the Stars

***

Dear Guys Who Pop Their Collars,

You look like tool bags. When someone pops their collar they are basically screaming "Hey look how big of a douche bag I am!"

What is worse is the multiple pop collared guy. Why are you wearing that many shirts? Are you cold? Or do you just want to show the world that you are more of a douche bag than all the other pop collar douche bags?

Please stop popping your collars. Women are not impressed.

Sincerely,

Andrew “No Pop Zone” Johnson

***

Dear Shoelaces,

I did not tie you today because I wanted to let you experience the thrills of freedom. Unfortunately you used this as an excuse to be careless, causing me trip and fall down in front of everyone while I waited in line at Wendy’s. I don’t know if it was just that you got sloppy, or if you have some pent up resentment toward me, but this will be the last time you experience the cathartic feeling of blowing in the wind.

You did this to yourself. From now on you will be double knotted.

Sincerely,

“Shoe Dictator” Johnson

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

I have tolerated your presence for far too long. You are not a welcomed guest in my home, and from this point on you will be treated with maximum hostility. If you continue to poop in my kitchen, I will buy a cat for the sole purpose of ending your miserable life. I would still like to end this conflict peacefully, but my patience is wearing thin.

I’m giving you 24 hours to vacate the premises. My wife has already bought traps, but I think I can keep her at bay for a little while longer. Get the hell out, or things are going to get ugly.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson, Mousketeer #765

***

Dear Channing Tatum,

I don’t like your movies. Please stop making them.

Sincerely,

Step Up to the Johnson





***

Dear Writer’s Block,

I know you like it here, but please consider leaving soon. I really want to get some work done, and inspiration won’t come over when you are here. I understand you two had a falling out some years back. Please come to some sort of understanding for my sake.

Sincerely,

A Struggling Johnson

P.S. Please tell procrastination to stop playing my X Box 360. He has also overstayed his welcome.

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

I gave you the chance to get out. I did not want there to be any blood shed. Unfortunately you have forced my hand, and my wife has deployed the traps smeared with peanut butter.

You brought this on yourself.

Andrew “Death to Mickey” Johnson

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

How did you get the peanut butter off the trap without setting it off? Are you some sort of wizard? Well played little adversary, but I will have the last laugh. I might not have devil mouse magic on my side, but I have the next best thing…devil cat magic.

Mr. Whiskers is going to fucking end you.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Round 2” Johnson

***

Dear Facebook,

Please stop being so addictive. I’m with you so much I feel like I’m having an affair.

I wish I knew how to quit you.



Sincerely,

Poke-Master Johnson

***

Dear Swine Flu,

Think you’re a big man infecting woman and babies? To be honest that sounds pretty lame. Why are people scared of you? You seem like a bitch to me. I dare you to try and infect me you pig disease. My white blood cells will decimate your barnyard threat and then flush you out of my body without mercy.

Bring it on Swine Flu, and prepare to be dazzled.

Sincerely,

Andrew “I eat bacon flu for breakfast” Johnson

***

Dear boss,

When you want me to go over the reports you type up, please do not use Microsoft Word 2000. It is out of date, and I cannot open it without it looking like jumbled coding. Please get some new software, or at least acknowledge that the problem is not me, but your lack of technological know-how.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Underpaid” Johnson

P.S. Please stop spitting when you talk. It is not endearing.

***

Dear Swine Flu,

Okay, you win. I wave the white flag, I submit to your overpowering urges to vomit. I will do anything you ask, please just don’t make me poop my pants in public again. I swear I’ll infect a million children if you promise to just leave me with my dignity intact.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Please make it stop” Johnson

***

Dear Mr. Whiskers,

While I appreciate your help in eliminating the mouse that was living in my pantry, I think its time you were on your way. We had an agreement when you moved in that you would stay only as long as it took to get rid of the pest. Now that you have ended his life, (and proudly displayed his remains on the kitchen table) I believe you have fulfilled your contract and paid you the eighteen cans of tuna that you required. Why you have not left yet is beyond me.

I am tired of finding fur balls on the floor, and cat poop in the potted plants. Your presence has not been an improvement over the mouse. I am going to ask you this only once; please collect your payment and leave. We do not want a cat, and we do not need a cat any longer.

If another position opens up we would be happy to reconsider your services. Until then I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Andrew "The guy whose house you won't leave" Johnson

P.S. Please stop biting my wife's ankles when she walks past you. She had to get a tetanus shot and is considering leaving me until you are gone.

***

Dear Mr. Johnson (aka the guy who hangs out it my house),

GET THE FUCK OUT.

Sincerely,

King Whiskers

P.S. Buy me more tuna.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Plane Blunder

On Monday Barack Obama and the White House military office thought it would be funny to scare the living shit out of everyone in New York City.

One of Obama's presidential planes flew frighteningly low over ground zero, sending residents into a justifiable panic. The White House military office director Louis Caldera had this to say:

"While federal authorities took the proper steps to notify state and local authorities in New York and New Jersey, it's clear that the mission created confusion and disruption…I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused…I take responsibility for that decision."

He then added that he approved the mission over New York, describing it as a photo opportunity.



PHOTO OPPORTUNITY FOR WHAT?

The only photo opportunity you're going to get by flying a jumbo jet over New York City would be the photos of the people freaking out in the streets. Did you want pictures of panicked business people running and screaming from their office buildings? How about pictures of the random bicycle messenger crashing into a cab while his eyes were locked on the GIANT PLANE flying over his head? Or were you trying to see how many people you could get to shit their pants?

I’m someone who subscribes to the idea that either everything is okay to make fun of, or nothing is. I’m someone who thinks that it’s okay to make Holocaust jokes, someone who thinks its okay to make fun of Sonny Bono hitting a tree, and even I think this was over the line.


Obama said he had no idea that this was going to go down, that he was completely unaware of the military office's plans. I say bullshit. I say bullshit all over town. He had to know they were planning this, it’s his damn plane. I’m convinced this was just a huge practical joke perpetrated by the greatest mind the oval office has seen in nine years. Seriously, he’s a pretty laid back dude. He drinks beer and watches basketball. He plays with his blackberry while in meetings. Obama seems like the kind of guy who can appreciate a good prank. I bet it was something he tried to make fun, and had all the best intentions, but just spun out of control...

***

(President Obama and Director Caldera are having a meeting with the White House military staff in the oval office.)
Caldera: So, next on our agenda is…
Obama: Hey, do you guys remember that whole 9/11 thing?
(Stunned silence)
Obama: You know when the planes flew into the Twin Towers…
Caldera: Oh, we remember very well sir.
Obama: Yeah, (takes a drag off of a cigarette) that was pretty messed up.
Caldera: It was a horrible tragedy, Mr. President. I don’t think saying it was "messed up" really gives it the…
Obama: Hold that thought… (Starts texting on his black berry)…ha ha…Biden is sending me these pictures of cats playing the piano.
Caldera: Mr. President…
Obama: (Puts black berry down) I was thinking, maybe we should do something to make that whole thing seem a little less tragic. I mean it’s been eight years, don’t you think people should be over it by now?
Caldera: …Are you serious?
Obama: What if we just flew a plane over them, like one of our planes? Hell, send Air Force One.
Caldera: Are you insinuating that we make light of September 11th?
Obama: (Sparks up a joint while setting up his iPod) Dude, it’ll be a gas. People will totally get it. They'll think it’s funny.
Caldera: I don’t feel comfortable with this Mr. President.
Obama: Yeah, it’s going to be hilarious (blasts “Regulate” from his iPod and starts thugging out.)
Caldera: Mr. President, I think we should reconsider…
Obama: Someone shut him up and get me a Colt 45!
(Billy Dee Williams walks into the room tossing Colt 45’s to everyone. A huge party erupts with booze and women.)
Caldera: (Yelling) MR. PRESIDENT, I DON’T THINK…
Obama: (singing) “…Just hit the eastside of the LBC, on a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G, seen a car full of girls aint no need to tweak, all you skirts know what’s up with 213…”

***
Okay, so it probably didn’t happen like that. No matter whose fault it was, it was still a huge blunder on the part of our government. Seriously boys, this is a Bush administration mistake. You guys are supposed to be smarter than this. Here’s a new rule you should go by from now on: If you get the idea to fly a plane anywhere near ground zero…DON’T DO IT. It's too soon to do that. I can't believe you have to be told not to fly jumbo jets over New York City, it should be common sense. If you guys would just have some decency, and take other people’s feelings into consideration, then maybe these kinds of things wouldn’t happen. I say shame on you White House military office, and shame on you President Obama. You guys really need to grow up.

Now, who wants to hear a good Holocaust joke?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Vampire Kids Suck Part 2

I was surprised to find that the “mall” they were talking about was nothing more than the local shopping center. And, the “court” they were talking about wasn’t a vampire sex lair at all; it was just the food court. Disappointed, but still eager to see some blood splatter, I entered the mall with a new found dedication to vigilante justice. I was excited at the prospect of jumping in after they made their kill and eliminating them Blade style. I took a seat at the far end of the court to keep a low profile, but still close enough to hear their conversation. I listened intently as I whittled a stake out of some chopsticks I got at PF Chang’s, and doused myself in the garlic I got from Olive Garden.

“We need to make a decision Vampier,” said Russell the fat vampire.

The skinny chick vampire nodded her head in agreement and said, “I haven’t eaten all day, I begin to weaken.”

“Don’t worry my friends, I know what we are having tonight,” said Todd/Vampier/Assface, “We are having steak…RARE!”

Bullshit, I thought. Steak? Is that some sort of slang for cashier’s blood? It turns out it wasn’t as I watched them place their orders at the Steak and Shake, and then proceeded to NOT kill anybody. These kids clearly lost their balls. Vampires don’t eat steak, unless “eating steak” means being stabbed by me in the heart with a sharp piece of wood. Disgruntled, I holstered the chopsticks; it was time for a more direct approach. In order to infiltrate their ranks I needed to go “incognito”. Luckily, I had brought with me an old Dracula costume from my 8th grade Halloween party. I slung the cape around my shoulders, put in the fangs, and added some catsup around the edges of my mouth so they knew I meant business.

“Hey there,” I said as I approached them, “I’m a big vampire nerd just like you fellas. I just got off the boat from TRANSYLVANIA,” I said with a wink, “And I’m in some desperate need of some BLOOD,” I said with another wink and a thumbs up.

The three vampire kids stared up at me with puzzled expressions. As awkward stillness swept over us, I decided to break the tension with a few menacing hisses. When that didn’t work, I decided to end the silence and said, “Feel free to incorporate me into your communal brood anytime now, I don’t have all day,” and threw in a few more hisses for good measure.

“Johnson, what the hell do you want?” asked Todd, the super vampire queen.

Realizing that Todd had seen through my disguise, I started to panic. “Uh…Johnson? Who is this Johnson? I am…Count…Darth…Fett. Yeah, that’s right. Count Darth “Blood taker” Fett…the vampire…from Alderaan.” I then started to flex and pose, “I’m a bounty hunter...and a vampire…from space.”

“I thought you were from Transylvania?” said Todd.

“I said I got off the train from their idiot,” I said as I threatened to slap him with my hand. He cringed, so I gave him two for flinching. “Vampires don’t flinch, Todd. Don’t be a pussy.”

“His name is Vampier, and you’re lying. Alderaan is from Star Wars,” ” said skinny vampire girl.

Russell took the steak sandwich out of his mouth long enough to say, “Ignore him, he’s just a poser.”

Poser? I think. You fat-shit bastard.

“Poser?” I say, “You fat-shit bastard. Here I am trying to unit with my brothers and sister of darkness and all you do is stuff your fat face and judge me?” I grabbed Russell by his skin tight tee-shirt, his eyes filled with terror, “You’re lucky there isn’t a bounty on your head or I’d be cutting you open and curling up in your innards for warmth.”

“That was in Empire Strikes Back,” said skinny girl vampire.

I snarled at her, showing my fangs, “What the hell? Are you a vampire or some Star Wars fag? Want to put up your hair in buns and hang out with Ewoks? I should rip out your trachea and feast on your throat cartilage.”

Todd stood up, “What the hell do you want? Why are you acting like such an idiot? You’re not even Vamp, man. You’re just dressed up like a tool.”

“Look, I’ll level with you,” I said, removing my vampire fangs. “I’m doing research on the vampire fad, and I wanted the real scoop from the people who know most about it.”

“Well why didn’t you just ask us?” said Russell, who was shoving French fries into his food hole.

“It would have been a lot easier that way,” said skinny girl vampire.

With my notepad open and my pen at the ready, I sat down with the three vampires, ready to learn their secrets. “Alright gang, what is so appealing about the vampire lifestyle?”

“Definitely the powers,” said Russell.

“No, it’s the romanticism of it all, the raw sexuality,” said the girl vampire.

“Come on guys,” said Todd, “The best part about being a vampire is that you’re outside of the established order, you’re not part of the main stream.”

“Hold on a sec,” I interrupted, “Did that fat-shit bastard over there just say powers?”

“Oh yeah,” said skinny girl vampire. “I’m a telepath, and an empath vampire.”

“I can fly and hypnotize my prey,” said Todd.

Russell flexed his fat arms, “I have super strength and super speed.”

I maintained alert silence and waited for more. Nothing was forthcoming. I looked Todd in the face, “Get out of town. Tubby has super speed? The only thing he's running toward is a plate of cheese burgers.”

All three of them sighed; it would seem that I “just don’t get it”. They then ignored me and began to hotly debate the best part of the vampire lifestyle. It was at this point I realized the flaw in my plan. I had indeed found the right people to interview for my article, but what I didn’t realize was that they were the most boring bastards on the planet. I slumped in my chair as the debate raged on for thirty minutes.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” I interrupted, not sorry at all. “But I just don’t think this is a constructive use of our time. Is there anyway you can just show me what you kids do?”
The three of them looked at each other, and smiled. “You want to see what Vampires really do?” asked Todd.

I glared at him, “That’s what I said, retard.”

“Then come with us my friend,” Todd said in a way that made me feel like he was hitting on me,

“And we will make you one of us!”

Next week, Chapter 3

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Lies That Old Wives Told You

Everyone has heard an old wives' tale at some point in their lives. They have been passed down from one generation to the next to provide comforting advice about experience we all share, have little control over, or worry about. What you probably haven't heard is that most of them are pure bull shit. These stories were concocted to get people to straighten up by putting the fear of God in them. Today it seems as though old wives' tales have fallen victim to these new fangled fads we call technology and modern medicine. Here are some old wives' tales you have probably been told are true, and were foolish enough to believe.

Swallowing Gum Takes Seven Years to Digest


If you heard this myth than you probably pissed off your mom more than you realized with your cow-like chewing. Fortunately though, this tall tale is completely bogus. Gum doesn’t break down in the digestive system, but it will pass through like everything else. If you occasionally swallow your gum, then you have nothing to worry about. But, if your some sort of idiot who doesn't know how to use a trash can or a napkin to dispose of your gum, you might not be so lucky. If you’re regularly swallowing wads of gum, then they could meld into a giant blob in your stomach and cause serious health problems. Not to mention you could blow bubbles out your pooper.

If You Pluck a Gray Hair, Two More Will Grow in Its Place

Chances are that if your hair is going gray, once you see one you'll start noticing them all over your head. Its funny how one tiny little strand attached to a follicle on your head can create so much insecurity. But follicles produce one strand of hair, no more, no less. Plucking a gray hair won’t cause more to grow. You're more likely to damage the follicle and create a situation where you end up balding yourself. It’s okay to tweeze the occasional stray gray, but if your hair is already thin or thinning, get over your insecurities or buy some hair dye. How do you think Lex Luthor lost all his hair?


You'll Die If You Swim After Eating

Just think of all the time you wasted in the summer waiting for your lunch to digest. Mothers have been warning their kids not to swim after eating since the invention of the swimming pool. But, do you know how many people have actually died due to a food induced cramp?

Zero.

Cramps happen when the blood that should be rushing to your stomach to aid in digestion gets diverted to your arms and legs. Cramps don’t usually occur while playing Marco Polo or holding your little brother's head under water. You’d need to be doing laps or seriously exerting yourself in order to be at risk, and even then, cramps are pretty easy to get over. This tall tale may have originated with parents who wanted to have some time alone for "water sex". Hopefully, irony got the last laugh when they "over exerted themselves" in the pool.

Touching Toads Will Give You Warts

Toads get such a bad rap. This lie may have been originated because toads have bumps on their backs that slightly resemble warts. Just like the kid in school who had "cooties", the Toad was ostracized by the rest of the animal kingdom.

The truth is that warts are spread by the human papillomavirus, or HPV, and reptiles do not carry the virus. And another truth is that those bumps are glands that store toxins to protect the toads from predators. So handling a toad won’t give you warts, but the toad might release a poison, giving you a completely rational reason to never touch one.

Picking Your Nose Will Make Worms Come Out of It

Come on, who really believed this? It's easy to understand why mothers would come up with some elaborate story to keep their kids from going elbows deep in to their own nostrils, but to defy logic by saying worms would come pouring out of their head is just ludicrous. The worst things that could happen is a nasal infection, occasional nosebleed, and in rare cases perforation of the nasal septum.

That still doesn't make it okay to pick your nose. The main issue about nose picking is social acceptance, and public urination, drunkenness, and sexual conduct are all more socially acceptable than nose picking. So if you are a hardcore nose picker it would probably explain why you believe these old wives tales; you most likely still live at home with mom.