Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Pull Off an All Nighter

It's that time of year again when college students nationwide crap themselves over their final exams. As the end of the year approaches, many students tend to cram for their final exams hoping their last minute attempts to accrue every bit of information that they can, will somehow eleviate their stress level. Well my college friends, I want to aide you by sharing with you some informaton that was helpful to me. When cramming, you will be tempted to pull all nighters. The all nighter is a dangerous act, and should always be treated with the utmost respect. If not, it will rip your face off and take what is left of you home to feed to it's young.

But, if you are foolish enough to attempt the all nighter, remember these important tips.

Tip 1: Drink lots of coffee

Coffee is the all nighter students best friend. Coffee is full of caffeine, and is great for keeping those drooping eyes alert. Now, some people claim that caffeine is addictive. Well that is true, but so is heroin. But, most college students can't afford to shoot up, so coffee is a great substitute for hard drugs; somewhat same effect, and its legal!

Now there are going to be a lot of naysayers that say drinking coffee during an all nighter is a bad idea. They'll tell you that you should drink lots of water to stay hydrated and alert. But, remember folks, these are the same jerks that would tell you it's a bad idea to drop acid while driving heavy machinary, so who gives a crap what they I right?

If coffee is not available to you, here is a list of substitutes that are equal to, or better than coffee:

Soda (any kind with caffeine, best choice Mountain Dew)
No Doz Caffeine Pills
Methylphenidate aka Ritalin

Tip 2: Make sure that the all nighter is used for study purposes only

There is no worse feeling than pulling an all nighter and realizing that it was a total waste. If you have a paper to write, don't spend the whole time playing around on the Internet. All nighters are for study purposes, drug trips, and binge drinking. If you decide to combine the three, I promise you that you will fail your exams, drop out of school, and become a financial burden for everyone else in the country. Be smart kids...wait till after your exams to trip on drugs and binge drink.

Tip 3: Do not pull an all nighter alone

It is very hard to stay awake, and having a friend or two to keep you alert is great to have. But, make sure your friend is trust worthy. If you pick the wrong friend, you could end up falling asleep and missing your exams! If you pick an even worse friend, this could happen...

Then you'll be the kid who failed his exams, and had a dick drawn on his face. Make sure you pick someone credible, and talk to them about it before hand. Give them some pointers, like splashing water on your face, or punching you in the nuts. Whatever you do, just stay awake!

Tip 4: Do not go to sleep

Even if your all nighter is completed and your work is done, never go to sleep. If you go to sleep, there is a good chance that you will miss the class you studied for.

Falling asleep is very risky, especially if you have a kilo of heroin in your system. If you get done early, dick around for a few hours until class starts. You can take a walk, play video games, or surf the web. Do not, however, watch TV or put on a movie. It is very easy to fall asleep while doing these things, but if you find it necessary, make sure its not a Woody Allen movie. Those suckers are so boring you'll pass out before the opening credits are over.

Follow these tips and your all nighters should go well. But, remember that all nighters are not for everyone. They are usually reserved for the ultra paranoid, procrastinators, and the insane. Happy studying!



  2. I was with you until you took a shot at Woody.