Tuesday, April 14, 2009

My Plan to Get My Student Loans Paid

I, like most Americans, am in a tremendous amount of debt. My debt however is not due to frivolous spending or an addiction to online poker. My debt stems from the greatest racket in the history of all mankind…college loans. Sometimes I sit back and think about all the money I would have right now if I had not pursued that golden goose. Where would I be if I wasn’t paying off loans for a degree that I’m not even really using? Instead I wasted five years of my life and spent money I didn’t have. Now I’m stuck paying off massive amounts of cash to a company that is as heartless as Timothy McVeigh.

Since I am tired of taking such a thrashing from Sallie Mae I have come up with a simple solution to my financial woes…begging. Don’t worry; I’m not going to be hitting up you good people to pay my student loans. Most of my readers can barely afford Ramen Noodles.

No I’m hunting for bigger game. I hope to appeal to one of the most powerful men in the world to pay off my loans, Mr. Bill “Super Nerd” Gates.

I know what you’re thinking. Bill Gates is the type of guy that would acknowledge me the same way he acknowledges a fart in the wind, why would he ever consider paying off my undergraduate financial burden? I’ve thought about it, and I have come up with four reasons why he, Bill Gates, should pay off my student loans.

#1: He can afford it.

Let’s not even play that game. Bill Gates could pay off my loans with the money he uses to line the bottom of his bird cage. I hear from less informed people on a nearly constant basis that Bill Gates “isn’t as rich as he once was”. That might be true, but guess what people; the man is worth over $90 billion. That’s in dollars. 90 BILLION DOLLARS. The guy could buy and sell you off this planet. Being $90 billion liquid means the guy has money to spare, and I'll seriously take any money he has lying around. I’d even take the money he uses to wipe his ass, I don’t care. With his turds on it I could sell it on Ebay for more than it's value.

#2: I would become his friend.

I like to think that I'm a pretty rad dude. People seem to like spending time with me, so why wouldn't Bill Gates? I'm sure that if he got to know me than he and I would become great friends. We both like XBOX 360, we both like money, and we both seem to enjoy spending it. I can imagine what a day hanging out with Bill Gates would be like. We would start by taking a dip in his Jello pool which would double as breakfast. Then we would take his jet packs to the nearest mall and buy it.

Then we would wave money in front of homeless people only to pull it away at the last moment. After that we would get home in time to eat dinosaur eggs for dinner and watch the cast of M*A*S*H* act out scenes from the show in his home theatre. We would then reenact the battle of Helm's Deep from Lord of the Rings on his holodeck before we had his robot butlers put us to bed in his futuristic tree house. Sure the friendship seems one sided, but I would bring a bag of Doritos.

Ranch flavored.

#3: I could become the official face for his PC campaign.

Let's be honest, Bill isn't the best looking guy around. I'm not saying he's dog shit ugly...I just think his company needs a fresh face to appeal to the younger crowd. Mac has Justin Long, what does PC have? It has Bill on TV with Jerry Seinfeld peddling his wears. Now I'm a huge Seinfeld fan, but he's not exactly the voice of our generation. He's more the voice of a few generations back. I, on the other hand, am a young 20 something male with mop top hair and stylish rimmed glasses...I could be the bridge between PC and my generation. Also, I am not as computer literate as you might assume, so I could rant and rave about how user friendly the PC really is! And, in the end Justin Long and I could have a showdown...MAC vs. PC in a steel cage at Madison Square Garden. I like Justin Long, but I would murder his grandmother in front of him to get my student loans paid. Which leads me to my last reason Bill Gates should pay off my student loans...

#4: I would destroy Apple.
I love Itunes, I love my Ipod, but they would all fall victim to my merciless rage if Bill Gates agreed to pay off my debt. I would be like the Grinch; moving from house to house, taking all the MAC's and Ipod's and Iphone's, and destroying them. I would then hit every store in the nation (using my jet pack that my best bud Bill let me have) destroying every Apple product with my laser death cannon, (another gift from Bill). I would then confront Steve Jobs in his home and take pictures of him using a PC, then spread it around the Internet. With his credibility destroyed, Apple would be forced to file for Chapter 11. Now eliminating the only competition he faces, Bill Gates will rebuild the monopoly that the U.S. government made him disband all those years ago, eventually leading to world domination. And, my good friend Bill Gates will award me with a seat at his right hand, while he rules the world with an iron, limp wristed girly fist.

And, I would bring the Doritos.

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