Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Real Crappy Entry

Recently an new world issue has been brought to my attention. I can't take credit for discovering this new wave of idiocy, my friend Jonathan brought it up during lunch. Basically, what is happening is there is a tree hugging hippie group out there that wants us to stop using toilet paper.

Oh yes.

Greenpeace wants you to have swamp ass.

Don't believe me? Here's a quote from guardian.co.uk:

"This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous," said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.
"Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution."

Virgin wood...really? What the hell is a virgin tree? It's not like trees are humping.

...I stand corrected.

Regardless of the obvious puns this quote has spawned, I have to say this is a particularly stupid thing to complain about. I don't know about you, but I take solace in the fact that no matter how bad my day is, no matter how bad my life can possibly get, toilet paper will always be there to keep my bottom clean.

Toilet paper has a wide range of uses than the obvious one (pooping). No tissues handy? Grab some TP, its just as good. Need to make a huge wet ball out of something to throw at your RA? Toilet paper is your best friend! It's hard to mention all of the trees that will go undecorated on Halloween. But, the saddest part of no more toilet paper for me is all the lonely women of the world who have imaginary weddings...


...whatever will they wear?

But, don't worry, Greenpeace has a solution to the wiping issue. Instead of having disposable pieces of paper that we can flush with our droppings, they are promoting a small company that specializes in family toilet wipes.


Basically it's a handkerchief for your ass.


Here's a quote from the Wallypop Family Wipes website:

"Using cloth toilet wipes actually has many advantages. For one, it's a lot more comfortable and soft on your most delicate body parts. It's also more economical, uses less paper, and saves you those late-night trips to the store. (Note: I don't ever remember taking a late-night trip to get toilet paper...in fact most people are smart enough to get plenty of it so that never happens.)

And cloth wipes can be used wet without any of the sopping disintegration that regular toilet paper is prone to. For a discussion of the practical aspects of using cloth toilet wipes, please check out our page detailing How to Use Cloth Wipes."

...Yeah.

I think that if somehow toilet paper becomes outlawed and these became the standard for toiletry care, I'm just gonna have to check out early. I have no desire to wipe my ass with the same piece of cloth over and over again. Greenpeace, you have officially lost your minds. I had no idea that hygiene was now our greatest enemy.

Good luck trying to get people to stop wiping their asses Greenpeace. I really hope things work out for you. Here's an ad I photo shopped to get you started on this new pointless venture...


Eat shit Greenpeace.

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