Wednesday, September 30, 2009

5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West spotlight-raped Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event... a country song won an award at a non country music event. Everyone accuses Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us... save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.



It's hard to imagine that not long ago country music was reserved for the mentally retarded, Nascar fans, and Texas. So today I'm going to list the top reasons why I despise this burden on my ears and pray to Kanye that you see the light. And, remember country music fans that I am allowed to have my own opinion, just as you are allowed to have yours. The only difference is that my opinion is valid.

#5: Today’s Country Music is Not Real Country Music

Remember the music of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kenny Rogers, and Waylon Jennings? That's country music. Those guys wrote songs that influenced generations and fought against the established order. Then in 1992 something horrible happened. Billy Ray Cyrus released a song called "Achy Breaky Heart" and caused jukeboxes around the United States to be infected with a deadly sound that made middle aged women go into pleasure seizures, and made drunk idiots think they could dance.

If you play it backwards you'll hear a recipe for devil's food cake... from SATAN.


"Achy Breaky Heart" was the catylist for the new wave of country music that would effectively rape and murder the classics. Since this day (known as "Achy Breaky Apocolypse" by the survivors) many new artists have come forth with songs about fast trucks, loose women, and sexually promiscuous tractors.

That tractor gave me gonorrhea.

Now there are endless country acts that write songs about trivial topics, and they all sound the same. I swear if you play me ten country songs by ten different artists, and then asked me to name the musician, I'd probably say "Garth Brooks" ten times. Then again if you made me listen to ten country songs in a row I'd probably strangle you to death before turning the piano wire on myself.

#4: Line Dancing

Another byproduct of the "Achy Breaky" nightmare was the creation of line dancing. Line dancing is what happens when a group of country fans hear a song they like and decided to cut a rug. What many don't realize is that line dancing is not dancing, it is the absence of dancing. Line dancing kills real dancing.


Line dancing put Patrick Swayze in a corner... and then gave him cancer.


Line dancing is a choreographed dance with a repeated sequence of steps in which a group of people dance in one or more lines or rows, all facing the same direction, and executing the steps at the same time.

Like Nazi's.

Now most men hate all forms of dancing, but they usually will stomach it if it leads to the possibility of sex. But, line dancing has no regard for the sex of the individuals. So you could start off trying to dance with vivacious Betty Sue, but end up next to her retarded cousin Gerald who just can't seem to get the timing right. So unless breaking in the handicapped stall is your sort of thing, line dancing has no immediate advantage unless your goal is to practice goostepping.

#3: Poor Choices in Style and Fashion

Wrangler jeans. Large white stetson hats. Over-sized belt buckles that double as bottle openers. American flags turned into button up shirts. Cowboy boots with jeans tucked inside them. This is standard country music fan attire. Blue collar workers decided that they would take on the very manly idea of being a cowboy and gay it up as much as possible.

Brokeback Mountain was straighter than this.

The majority of people who wear cowboy hats have never tended cattle, nor faced the harsh climates of the plains while making 25 cents an hour. Now a days a cowboy hat is only beneficially for douche bag watchers, trying to find a new species of douche.


Brooksius Faggotus


Most country music fans seem to think of the Confederate flag as a style choice, and will put it on almost anything, regardless of the social or historical implications. Since it seems that the majority of people who proudly wave the symbol of the Confederacy do not know what it stands for, they help encourage the "Stupid American" stereo type, and make Canada look better by comparison... and that place is all kinds of backward.



Canada's cowboy: The Mountie.

#2: Inspires Over Patriotism

Country music is considered by many to be the voice of America's heartland. That's unfortunate since most of the patriotic/pro-America songs make American's look like ignorant white bread trash.

Don't believe me? Watch this.



I absolutely love how literal the guy was when he put together this video. My favorite part was at 1:16 when the Bald Eagle flips you off. We've destroyed their habitat and driven them to near extinction, but yeah, damn those jihad. I also really like at 1:57 when it showed a picture of Saddam Hussein being hung, even though he had nothing to do with 9/11. Cause, you know, screw facts.

This song was written by Toby Keith, a walking, singing stereotype who has a talent for appearing to be endearing while actually being an intolerant asshole. After the release of "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" he had a notable feud with the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines. She publicly criticized Keith's song by saying, "I hate it. It's ignorant, and it makes country music sound ignorant. It targets an entire culture - and not just the bad people who did bad things. You've got to have some tact. Anybody can write, 'We'll put a boot in your ass'..."

Toby responded with the most tact he could muster:

"I'll bury her. She has never written anything that has been a hit..."

He then began displaying a backdrop showing a doctored photo of Maines with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein at all of his concerts, cause you know... that 's the mature response.

Along with Toby Keith's redneck anthem, Alan Jackson took the opportunity to show the world that he too was just as ignorant and could profit off of the deaths of thousands.



I guess you can forgive Alan Jackson for thinking Hussein was involved with 9/11 since he can't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran... and I guess Afghanistan.

You've never even looked at a globe, have you?

#1: Jamboree in the Hills

Jamboree in the Hills, also known as the "Super Bowl of Country Music," is a four-day-long concert held annually in the rolling hills of Morristown, Ohio. In reality it is an annual hedonism festival designed to encourage as many alcohol ridden mistakes as possible.

The kind of mistakes that will cause you to wake up next to this.


There are only a few seating arrangements or assigned places at the Jamboree site, so each morning during the event, hundreds of country music fans stampede through the gate with their blankets, tarps, and lawn chairs, and try to get a space as close to the stage as possible. This is often a muddy and chaotic event and has been dubbed over the years as "The Redneck Run" and the name couldn't be more appropriate.

Every year I am forced to endure the promotion and execution of the Jamboree, and now since I work in the medical field I am required to provide assistance to the victims of this orgy of chaos. This past summer the majority of patients I visited had Jamboree related injuries. Needless to say none of them were eligible for the services I provide so they ended up being a monumental waste of my time. Yes I hate the Jamboree, but what I hate more is how everybody swears its the greatest thing ever. You know what else people thought was great? The Titanic.

And, we all know how that turned out.

31 comments:

  1. Brilliant, simply brilliant. I have written Kanye an apology letter, and also sent him a box of apology thin mints. Another nail in the coffin of country music is that Kid Rock has decided that is the genre he wishes to make his own, leaving rock fans breathing a sigh of relief.

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  2. hahahaha even though i like country music...this is histarical, and funny enough, i agree with you on some things. Good Man Charlie Brown!!

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  3. You're a stupid *sshole !

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  4. I agree with everything, except with the part about Kanye. Maybe country music does suck and he was just trying to save us, but he's an ass nonetheless. And country music is the most heinous thing in world, tied for first with Obama, Hershey's Chocolate, and WWE.

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  5. Let us not forget how sexist, mygonist, chauvinistic some of the music is and the artist are. I use to like country music but when they demonized and shuned Natalie of the Dixie Chicks for speaking her mind, I grew a hate for it that's still alive and burning every time their double standard anti feminism crap happen to invades my audible ear space. LONG LIVE ROCK AND ROLL
    Oh, to end my rant Kanye should have never apologized to whatsherface, as he was absolute correct in his statement

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    1. I couldn't agree more. In every country song I heard the woman either gets married or likes to party and get drunk while wearing cutoff jeans. I joked with my sister one day about things country singers couldn't write about, you know people having careers that don't involve agriculture, like doctors, and I said the only time a doctor shows up in a country song is to tell someone their dying. I think I just about lost it when I heard a country song by some dude who is singing about how his exes new boyfriend is not as good as him, judging the man solely on his ability to kill and skin woodland creatures. Or the one where he insults the new boyfriends truck saying that it's small, to which I quipped "that's because he doesn't have to overcompensate for something douchebag".

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  6. Ok, Alan Jackson did not profit from the death of 9/11. And eventhough I am not American, I really like most of the Country Music that's out their, being old or new. And another thing, OUR OPINION IS VALID, YOU MORON!

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  7. I have to say I listen to country music 8 hours a day (at my job),I hear it in my sleep and I hate it. I am becoming less intelligent when I have to hear songs like "Redneck yacht club" and "incorrect Pro-American down with everyone else" music. We need to stop this epidemic now before we are all destroyed.

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  8. I just do not get why anyone would think country music is great. Try living in a faux cowboy country having all kinds of wannabes.... I had to move back to the big city that is NOT country.. hello civilization!
    The only tolerable group are the Dixie Chicks, even though they use banjos. But most of all, they are original and WRITE their own music.

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  9. COUNTRY MUSIC IS SOOO DAMN STUPID! ALL THEY TALK ABOUT IS BEER, DOGS, TRACTORS, AND TRUCKS.

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    1. Keywords in lyrics - don't forget 'whisky' and 'horses'!
      And my favourite C/W joke (sorry if you've already heard it)...
      How many country/western singers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Six, one to change the bulb and five to sing about how good the old one was!

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  10. Even before "achy breaky heart" there was one with words that went:
    "I was feelin' kinda lonesome
    so I thought I'd call you on the 'phone some"
    I also seem to remember beans featuring prominently in C & W.

    I once described Country and Western as having trite lyrics, simplistic melodies and harmonics and monotonous rhythms. I did live to tell the tale, but only just.

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  11. please help me.... i live in Texas moved here from England im a DJ and have to play country music at a lot of gigs and the more i hear country music the more it eats away at me i hate it please help me, and tell me a state where i can move to to escape the nonsense

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    Replies
    1. My advice:Quit your job.

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    2. DJing is a job?

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  12. I LOVE this, and agree with all of it. And....I'm a Texan. And......I used to work in ranching. And.....I actually wore a cowboy hat. And....I'm female. I can tolerate any music, except country. Remember how Kramer would have convulsions at the sound of Mary Hart's voice? That happens to me if I hear this country shit.

    I love the cowboy life and culture, but despise country music with every fiber of my being. Especially Kenny Cheesy. Omg. Please, make him go away.

    But wait! There's a new contender for most untallented and cliched doucherag in country musicville: Jason Aldean, or however it's spelled.

    And Toby Keith? I call him Butt Lips. Because, well, his lips look like butt cheeks. And his hat is embarrasing.

    Why? Why is this assault on our ears so popular? Is this Bizarro World?

    Thanks for the laugh today, great writing.

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  13. I couldn't agree more with this post. 99% of country on the radio is absolute garbage. There is GOOD country out there though. Ryan Adams, Drive-By Truckers, and the Jayhawks = country music for those with an IQ above 90.

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  14. it is a sad day when people assume that country fans have a low IQ. so do many people from the so called 'civilized world'. it is a sadder day when country is called an epidemic. your going off stereotypes. all of my neighbors listen to country and they don't dress like a gay cowboy. I myself have a high IQ and I love country. so it appears you facts are off my friend.

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    1. Since you have such "a high IQ," I'm sure you realize that you should have spelled the word "your" as "you're."

      Just saying, with your really high IQ and everything......

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  15. Not to mention they wrote there "a sadder day" which is also incorrect. Are they trying to write "a sad day" or "a Saturday?"

    If you're telling us it's a Saturday when country music is an epidemic you are WRONG. Country is an epidemic EVERY day.

    And don't even get me started on your horrific spelling and sentence structure. Believe or not, commas are important to the English language (not to mention the beloved capitalization of the first letter of a sentence).

    Anyway, author of this blog post, here it is four years later and this post still holds true. I laughed through all of it, I agreed with it all, and the comments made it even better. So thank you!

    Now I'm off to scream at my neighbors blasting their country music...

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  16. Words cannot begin to express how much I DETEST country "music." Circumstances have recently forced me to move to Oklahoma (Why, God?). There's a water tower in Moore, OK that says "Home of Toby Keith," like that's a GOOD thing. I can't wait until I can move out of this hick breeding ground.

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  17. You're an idiot.
    Country people, first of all, are the ones who bring us our food.
    Second of all, I think our "overgrown" belts are better than stupid gangsters having their pants down to their knees!
    And also, Country music is better than the "music" that we call now a days, RAP. Rapping is about sex, gangs, guns, butts, boobs, and more!! I don't agree with anything you said in this stupid thing. PLUS, when in the Toby Kieth video when he showed that guy hanging himself, The song isn't only about 9/11! He never said it had anything to do with that! GET A LIFE

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    1. Sex, gangs, guns, butts, boobs, and more, you smell like poop Mr. Dumbledore.

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  18. Goodness gracious I can't tell you how much I despise country music, well at least the modern stuff. Now the classic country artists like Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline, Merle Haggard, Marty Robbins, etc I greatly enjoy, but it's the new stuff like Blake Shelton, Brad Paisley, or Miranda Lambert that makes me curdle. Between my second and third year at university I worked at this office for the summer and one of my co-workers would play NOTHING but country, all damn day! Of course I didn't want to be rude and tell her to change the station, (I secretly wanted to smash it though), so I had to put up with it. I can tell you I was reviled when I finally quit. Overall, my real problem with country music is that it all sounds the same: trucks, beer, and women.

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  19. This is pure gold. I realize it's 5 years old now but fuck me, country still sucks ass and died with Johnny Cash in my opinion... All these new artists whining about bbq stains and beers, tears, and bad years.

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  20. I always grew up hating country. My parents and most of the rest of my family hates it. But a few years ago I finally sat down with myself and honestly gave it a shot. I fell in love with it. Most of it is easy going and puts a smile on my face. Everyone is under the impression that country music is about tractors and trucks stuck in the mud. HOW wrong they are! Country songs are about 4 simple things. 1.) Work Hard 2) Love your family 3.) Be grateful for everything you have yet remain humble 4.) Have fun after your responsibilities are done. Country is about the simple things in life that every single one of us needs. When I hear people say they hate it. They have never given it an honest shot, or are seriously sad people. I love my family and friends and I work hard for what I have. That is why I love country.

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  21. After listening to these songs (especially that chauvinistic one by Toby Keith), I am ready to leave the country....
    This song portrays the USA as a violent place. "Art" is definitely a reflection of life.

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  22. Why Don't you do a hatefull rant about "rap"? And make sure to use stereotypes about race,like you did with this one...Fucking liberal hippy...die.

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