5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West spotlight-raped Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event... a country song won an award at a non country music event. Everyone accuses Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us... save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.

It's hard to imagine that not long ago country music was reserved for the mentally retarded, Nascar fans, and Texas. So today I'm going to list the top reasons why I despise this burden on my ears and pray to Kanye that you see the light. And, remember country music fans that I am allowed to have my own opinion, just as you are allowed to have yours. The only difference is that my opinion is valid.

#5: Today’s Country Music is Not Real Country Music

Remember the music of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kenny Rogers, and Waylon Jennings? That's country music. Those guys wrote songs that influenced generations and fought against the established order. Then in 1992 something horrible happened. Billy Ray Cyrus released a song called "Achy Breaky Heart" and caused jukeboxes around the United States to be infected with a deadly sound that made middle aged women go into pleasure seizures, and made drunk idiots think they could dance.

If you play it backwards you'll hear a recipe for devil's food cake... from SATAN.

"Achy Breaky Heart" was the catylist for the new wave of country music that would effectively rape and murder the classics. Since this day (known as "Achy Breaky Apocolypse" by the survivors) many new artists have come forth with songs about fast trucks, loose women, and sexually promiscuous tractors.

That tractor gave me gonorrhea.

Now there are endless country acts that write songs about trivial topics, and they all sound the same. I swear if you play me ten country songs by ten different artists, and then asked me to name the musician, I'd probably say "Garth Brooks" ten times. Then again if you made me listen to ten country songs in a row I'd probably strangle you to death before turning the piano wire on myself.

#4: Line Dancing

Another byproduct of the "Achy Breaky" nightmare was the creation of line dancing. Line dancing is what happens when a group of country fans hear a song they like and decided to cut a rug. What many don't realize is that line dancing is not dancing, it is the absence of dancing. Line dancing kills real dancing.

Line dancing put Patrick Swayze in a corner... and then gave him cancer.

Line dancing is a choreographed dance with a repeated sequence of steps in which a group of people dance in one or more lines or rows, all facing the same direction, and executing the steps at the same time.

Like Nazi's.

Now most men hate all forms of dancing, but they usually will stomach it if it leads to the possibility of sex. But, line dancing has no regard for the sex of the individuals. So you could start off trying to dance with vivacious Betty Sue, but end up next to her retarded cousin Gerald who just can't seem to get the timing right. So unless breaking in the handicapped stall is your sort of thing, line dancing has no immediate advantage unless your goal is to practice goostepping.

#3: Poor Choices in Style and Fashion

Wrangler jeans. Large white stetson hats. Over-sized belt buckles that double as bottle openers. American flags turned into button up shirts. Cowboy boots with jeans tucked inside them. This is standard country music fan attire. Blue collar workers decided that they would take on the very manly idea of being a cowboy and gay it up as much as possible.

Brokeback Mountain was straighter than this.

The majority of people who wear cowboy hats have never tended cattle, nor faced the harsh climates of the plains while making 25 cents an hour. Now a days a cowboy hat is only beneficially for douche bag watchers, trying to find a new species of douche.

Brooksius Faggotus

Most country music fans seem to think of the Confederate flag as a style choice, and will put it on almost anything, regardless of the social or historical implications. Since it seems that the majority of people who proudly wave the symbol of the Confederacy do not know what it stands for, they help encourage the "Stupid American" stereo type, and make Canada look better by comparison... and that place is all kinds of backward.

Canada's cowboy: The Mountie.

#2: Inspires Over Patriotism

Country music is considered by many to be the voice of America's heartland. That's unfortunate since most of the patriotic/pro-America songs make American's look like ignorant white bread trash.

Don't believe me? Watch this.

I absolutely love how literal the guy was when he put together this video. My favorite part was at 1:16 when the Bald Eagle flips you off. We've destroyed their habitat and driven them to near extinction, but yeah, damn those jihad. I also really like at 1:57 when it showed a picture of Saddam Hussein being hung, even though he had nothing to do with 9/11. Cause, you know, screw facts.

This song was written by Toby Keith, a walking, singing stereotype who has a talent for appearing to be endearing while actually being an intolerant asshole. After the release of "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" he had a notable feud with the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines. She publicly criticized Keith's song by saying, "I hate it. It's ignorant, and it makes country music sound ignorant. It targets an entire culture - and not just the bad people who did bad things. You've got to have some tact. Anybody can write, 'We'll put a boot in your ass'..."

Toby responded with the most tact he could muster:

"I'll bury her. She has never written anything that has been a hit..."

He then began displaying a backdrop showing a doctored photo of Maines with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein at all of his concerts, cause you know... that 's the mature response.

Along with Toby Keith's redneck anthem, Alan Jackson took the opportunity to show the world that he too was just as ignorant and could profit off of the deaths of thousands.

I guess you can forgive Alan Jackson for thinking Hussein was involved with 9/11 since he can't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran... and I guess Afghanistan.

You've never even looked at a globe, have you?

#1: Jamboree in the Hills

Jamboree in the Hills, also known as the "Super Bowl of Country Music," is a four-day-long concert held annually in the rolling hills of Morristown, Ohio. In reality it is an annual hedonism festival designed to encourage as many alcohol ridden mistakes as possible.

The kind of mistakes that will cause you to wake up next to this.

There are only a few seating arrangements or assigned places at the Jamboree site, so each morning during the event, hundreds of country music fans stampede through the gate with their blankets, tarps, and lawn chairs, and try to get a space as close to the stage as possible. This is often a muddy and chaotic event and has been dubbed over the years as "The Redneck Run" and the name couldn't be more appropriate.

Every year I am forced to endure the promotion and execution of the Jamboree, and now since I work in the medical field I am required to provide assistance to the victims of this orgy of chaos. This past summer the majority of patients I visited had Jamboree related injuries. Needless to say none of them were eligible for the services I provide so they ended up being a monumental waste of my time. Yes I hate the Jamboree, but what I hate more is how everybody swears its the greatest thing ever. You know what else people thought was great? The Titanic.

And, we all know how that turned out.