September 15, 2014. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The Office of President Rush Limbaugh.
It's been almost two years since President Rush Limbaugh took office, and the world's climate has gone through horrifying change. The President's crusade against global warming awareness, (deeming it “liberal bullshit") has brought the world to the brink of environmental catastrophes of Michael Bay like proportions. Since The JohnsoNation has become the most reliable source of news in the country, I felt it was my duty to sit down with the President and discuss the current state of not only the country, but of the world itself. I entered the Oval Office and found him reviewing his approval rating; a staggering zero percent. Once a powerful radio personality and political leader, he was now a shell of his former self.
Johnson: Mr. President, thank you for meeting with me.
President Limbaugh: Not a problem, it’s great to get a chance to talk to the press. I used to do interviews daily, sometimes three or four if I felt like it. But, for some reason reporters have been particularly scarce.
Johnson: Yes, unfortunately the media has taken a large hit in numbers due to current climate problems.
Limbaugh: Yes, no doubt because strong willed American’s refuse to become a part of the liberal machine and conforming to their storm of lies and deceit.
Johnson: Actually Mr. President I think it’s because news reporting has become the single most dangerous job on the planet.
Limbaugh: Well, I don’t really see how that makes sense.
Johnson: It’s dangerous because it requires us to go outside, something the National Weather Council has specifically stated we shouldn’t do.
(The President looked down at his shoes and pretended not to hear me. I decided to continue anyway.)
Johnson: There have been more weather related fatalities in the United States over the past two years than there have been murders, vehicular accidents, and natural causes combined.
Limbaugh: Where did you get those facts? NBC?
Johnson: No sir, from the 2011 census.
Limbaugh: Well, aren’t weather related fatalities considered to be “Natural Causes?”
Johnson: They used to be sir, but the high volume of deaths related to volcanoes, hurricanes, and monsoons have caused the Bureau to create a new category.
(The President stood and made his way over to the liquor cabinet.)
Limbaugh: Hmm… no doubt Gore tampered with it somehow…
Johnson: Mr. President I'd like to begin by asking you a very simple question that I believe all Americans would like to know.
Limbaugh: Go ahead son, you know I've always been a straight shooter. I've never been afraid to talk about the big issues, and I'm not about to start now. What's your question?
Johnson: Considering the fact that you were presented with documented proof four years ago that global warming exists, and also considering the fact that you not only blatantly ignored the warning signs that lead you to steer the world toward a ecological disaster, I have really only one question: Are you an idiot?
(There was a long silence. The President and I sat for almost five minutes without saying a word. He looked off into the distance, as if he had completely lost himself in thought. After I made several hinting coughs and threw a pencil at him, he finally responded.)
Limbaugh: I know that it looks bad out there. I know this. I know this because I have a damn window and I can see that it's bad. It's mid-September and it has already snowed three times in the past week. Yesterday I watched the floor split in half while I was sitting on the toilet. But, these are not things that are in our control, this is just mother nature taking its course.
Johnson: Mr. President this is a very serious problem. Your strong stance against global warming awareness has caused CO2 levels to increase dramatically in the past two years.
(He calmly poured himself a glass of scotch and noded his head in my direction, offering me a glass. I politely declined.)
Limbaugh: The liberal media wants to blame me for all of the world’s problems. I stand by my campaign and promise I made to the world that there is no such thing as global warming. Hell, it's not my fault that cows fart.
Johnson: Mr. President I think it’s clear that--
Limbaugh: Look, we have no control over the climate, this is fact. What I do is try to derive truth. I find the truth and expose it. There is no global warming. We are human beings, and there is not a damn thing we could do to cause or stop it. Things just happen.
Johnson: Mr. President in 2009 former President Obama worked closely with the United Nations to start a global move toward conserving our natural resources and cleaner fuel options.
Limbaugh: Oh God, here we go...
Johnson: In 2010 scientists around the world, both liberal and conservative, agreed that aerosol and fuel emissions were dramatically altering the earth’s climate.
(The President downed his glass of scotch and started to pour himself another.)
Johnson: In 2011 you began your aggressive presidential campaign by discrediting the green movement and their scientific findings. You focused your agenda completely on big government and how it was taking away freedoms by mandating our energy policies. You threw around words like “Social Terrorism” and “Anti-Capitalism," to scare older voters, and used the fear of being a social pariah to gain the youth vote. You used fear to rally the country against environmentalism and completely ignored the fact that we were on our way to an ecological disaster. So I must ask you again Mr. President... are you an idiot?
Limbaugh: Hold on a second there. Now it’s true that I may have avoided the climate change issue, but I did so for a better tomorrow. The Liberal’s "junk science" was based on questionable data. They used lies and deceit for so long its hard to judge when they are being honest. Besides, even though I don't buy into their findings, I have never done anything to cause harm to our environment.
Johnson: During your campaign you handed out aerosol cans to the voters and told them to “spray for freedom.”
(The President closed his eyes and pressed his fore finger and thumb on the bridge of his nose.)
Limbaugh: Look that was because…come on guy, really? You want to throw that in my face?
Johnson: In 2012 you won the election, and effectively banned all fuel sources that were not in favor of Halliburton’s new “Oil For Everything” campaign. Miraculously you managed to get U.N. backing, making Halliburton the most powerful company in the world.
Limbaugh: Look they had a great campaign model…
Johnson: Their campaign model was to replace every single energy source with oil. Even wind and hydro electric power were banned.
(His eyes grew wide, and his posture firmed. For a brief moment, he became the Rush Limbaugh of old as he spoke his next words.)
Limbaugh: Any other source of energy would have to be government mandated, and I am completely against big government.
Johnson: So you relied on a privately owned big oil company to handle not only America's energy crisis, but the world's?
(He slumped back into his familiar, impotent frame, and looked at me in confusion.)
Limbaugh: Huh? What are we talking about?
Johnson: You said “Any other source of energy would have to be government mandated, and I am completely against big government.”
Limbaugh: Did I? I guess it’s more of a reflex now. Look I admire people coming up with alternative fuel sources and so forth, but there is nothing wrong with oil. Halliburton’s campaign model promised that we would not run out of it for a long time.
Johnson: That’s true, but in January of 2013 we officially ran out of oil.
Limbaugh: Well, we may have run out of domestic drilling sites, but we are working toward trading with other countries…
Johnson: Not just America, the whole world.
Limbaugh: We clearly aren't looking hard enough then. Perhaps we'll revisit Alaska.
Johnson: In February of 2013 CO2 levels were higher than they had ever been, causing the earth's temperature to rise a staggering 103 degrees in less than 3 weeks. This caused a glacier the size of Texas to break away from the polar ice caps. This glacier collided with the state of Alaska and sunk it to the bottom of the ocean.
(The President bites his lower lip and looks to the ground in shame.)
Johnson: In March of 2013 twenty-five different animal species were put on the endangered list, and in April twenty-two were officially declared extinct.
Limbaugh: Hey there! Most of the animals on the list were already dwindling in numbers. It’s not fair to blame this administration for the extinction of the Koala Bear, the Panda, and the Manatee.
Johnson: That’s true, but also on the list were Gophers, Antelope, Squirrels, and the common Pigeon.
Johnson: Increased temperatures and precipitation along with the subsequent sequestration of airborne CO2 have caused vegetation stress, rapid plant loss, and world wide famine. To be honest with you sir, I'm only doing this interview on the promise that their would be a half eaten hot dog in it for me.
(He made his way over to the window, and stared in silence. He watched as a bald eagle perched on the veranda outside, causing him to crack a small smile. The smile quickly faded as he watched the majestic bird hack up it's heart and die.)
Limbaugh: Do you remember the way things used to be... the way... I used to be?
Johnson: I remember not having to clean the fish bones and dead skin out of my water.
Limbaugh: People used to admire me... they would look to me for guidance.
Johnson: You were a role model to many.
Limbaugh: Yes... I was... heroic.
Johnson: I didn't say that.
Limbaugh: I remember when I was special. I remember when America was special. I remember when the air was clean, and the sun would shine. Now I have to put on a gas mask just to get the mail.
Johnson: Well Mr. President, in a way you still are special.
(He looked at me with a small tear in his eye, and shot me a little smile.)
Limbaugh: Really? Why is that?
Johnson: You can afford a gas mask. Most of us just hold our breath while we run from door to door.
(His smile dissipated as he buried his face in his hands and wept.)
Johnson: Mr. President thank you for your time, but I really need to get going. Its getting late and the giant cockroaches come out at night.
Johnson: Oh yeah, there are giant cockroaches now. Scientists think that the impending apocalypse has caused their evolutionary genes to kick into over drive.
Johnson: Before I go, is there any last words you'd like to say to the public?
(He sobbed as he tried to speak, but his tears said more than his words.)
Limbaugh: What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry?
Johnson: You know that's not what I want to hear.
(He wiped away the tears and snot from his face, and gave me a look. Not his former trademark look of arrogance, nor a look of humbled acceptance. He looked at me with eyes of anger and defeat. He was a broken man.)
Limbaugh: I'm an idiot.
(I turned away and walked toward the door. Before I left I looked back at him one more time, taking in the image of a dejected Rush Limbaugh in all his pathetic glory.)
Johnson: We know, Mr. President. We know.
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