Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.

I have to admit to you Josh Jenkins that I don’t have very many friends. I have many acquaintances yes, but recently I have discovered that most people don’t really like me that much. Actually that’s not true…I think the words “despise” and “hate” are more accurate description of how people feel about me. The few people that do want to be my friends are usually very annoying, and I could do without their influence dragging me down. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have very many “cool” friends. I plan on modifying this with the inclusion of you into my friendship stable.

We have so much in common Josh Jenkins that it would be considered morally reprehensible if we did not become best friends. We both take pleasure in a good steam bath, we enjoy karaoke jam sessions (or as I call it, “Oke Out with my Wang Out”) and we both have a genuine admiration for the Klingon Culture.

Also, we both enjoy writing and making comedic videos. I have to admit that your in-depth research into Mark Twain’s unpublished writings made me laugh so hard I soiled myself in public. I think if we combined our talents we could become the best comedy duo since Simon and Garfunkel. With your natural charisma and school boy good looks, and my talent for writing and willingness to “do what needs to be done” to get ahead, our stars will rise faster than Jorge García’s cholesterol.

The reason I think people don’t like me is pure resentment over the fact that I’m so awesome. My wife claims that the reason people don’t like me is because I “tend to live in a fantasy world where I think I am awesome.” We both know she’s full of shit, due to her lack of awesomeness and inability to understand awesomeness. In any case I know it wouldn’t be a problem for you, because you and I share the same attributes that make me so awesome in the first place. Our common factors are what will take us from “casual acquaintances” to “super bitchin' best friends”.

I must also mention that friendship with me comes with many perks:

  • I will protect you from animal attacks (except bears and sharks).
  • I have a tendency to break into song and dance, often creating a musical number with any professional dancers that happen to be in the near vicinity.
  • I will protect you from Tyler Perry, and his movies.
  • I’ll stop throwing eggs at you from a distance as you walk to class.
What? You don’t think this is enough for us to be SBBF’s? Well I went out and got a signed letter from the man you admire most, where he proclaims that you and I should be super bitchin' best friends forever.

Consider that the “ace up my sleeve”. And, by “ace up my sleeve” I actually mean “Shatner in my basement with a gun pointed at his head”.

So come on, let’s quit dickin’ around like a couple of dicks on dick vacation and be super bitchin' best friends forever. After we sign the SBBFF know dot the i’s and cross the t’s...we can go out and I’ll treat you to buying me ice cream. I like cookie dough and vanilla, and after you sign the “friendship indenture” it will be your favorite too.

Oh, and by the way don’t worry about breaking the news to Owens. I told him you won’t be BFF’s with him any more. He took it pretty well.

If you don’t see him for a while, it’s because he went on vacation…with his grandma….to Utah. And, as you know, they do not allow phones there. Probably best just to forget him.

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