Thursday, February 26, 2009

Ashing Those Wednesdays

Today was Ash Wednesday, which is the day where Catholics smear dirt on there foreheads for no particular reason. It is the first day most of them go to church all year, and they get dirty.

Very dirty.

The idea of Ash Wednesday has always escaped me. I have asked my Catholic friends to try and explain it to me, but I find that I have a hard time understanding things when I’m not paying attention. It’s not that I’m not interested in what Ash Wednesday is all about. I just get really bored whenever people start to explain it to me. So after some soul searching and midget tossing I decided that I would research Ash Wednesday and try to explain it to everyone else who has the same problem as I do.

According to Wikipedia: “Ash Wednesday is the first day of Lent and occurs forty-six days before Easter…Ash Wednesday gets its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of the faithful as a sign of repentance.”

Now is it me, or does that sound like a bunch of baloney?

I’m not saying that isn’t a noble reason to put dirt on your face, I just think there is a little more to it than that. I realized that my research was going to have to branch out a little farther than the Internet, so I called up my old Catholic School priest.

Me: Hello Father O’Malley?
FOM: This is the Padre of Malleyville…who be this I be talking to?
Me: Father its me, Andrew Johnson. I used to go to school at St. Anthony’s.
(Silence on the other end.)
Me: I was the only kid there that wasn’t a Catholic in the history of the school.
(Sounds of belching and muffled farts in the background.)
Me: We got trashed on the Communion wine together. You told me you always wanted to be a pop singer.

Me and the FOM on my 11th Birthday

FOM: Ah! Andrew me wee lad. How do you be?
Me: Well Father I’m doing well, but I was just wondering if maybe you could explain what Ash Wednesday is about.
(Silence on the other end.)
Me: Father?
(More silence)
Me: Papi O’ Malleydog?
FOM: Oh I heard ya lad. Don’t be digging around things ye don’t understand.
Me: But, Father of Dudesville
FOM: You’re getting too deep! Stop now!
(Phone is slammed down, but not hung up. For the next several minutes I listen to the Father have a bowel movement, microwave his cheese hot pocket, and sing show tunes into what I think was a bottle of Draino.)

It was odd for the Father of Whinoland to give me the cold shoulder. Against his advice I decided to keep digging, and after some careful deliberation I was able to come to only one conceivable conclusion...

The Ashes protect against Vampires.

Sexy Vampires

It makes sense doesn’t it? What better defense against Vampires is there? And it lasts for 40 days! That’s a long time to keep your forehead dirty, but its worth it to keep you neck hole-less.

When it comes to Vampires you can never be too careful. We know of the basic defenses such as a cross, stake to the heart, and (if you’ve seen The Lost Boys) very large stereos.

If garlic is able to protect you from the lifeless bastard Vampires, why can’t the Ashes of Jesus?

That is what they’re supposed to be right? It couldn’t possibly be something stupid like burned palms could it?

What? It is?


Regardless, you take a holy symbol like a forehead cross, you could head butt you’re attacking Nosferatu in the jaw and send him packing back to hell.

So thank you Catholic church. You have given us a great defense against the undead. This bottle of holy communion wine is on me.


1 comment:

  1. haha..oh so true..and beautiful..i do not wish to be protected from the sexy vampires though