Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Worst Enemy

For years I have been struggling. I have been very vocal about my dislike for this person for a long time, but I have never outwardly said that I hated his very existence. Night after night I would sit at home and see this person effect the world in horrible ways, but what could I do? I am just a humble man who has no impact on the world, and to have his hand in every aspect of the media. I don't know if it's ignorance, denial, or just a general apathy from the people, but I just can't take it anymore...I must now speak out against my greatest enemy.

This man is not just my enemy. He is also the enemy of thought. The enemy of creativity. He is the Lex Luthor of the film industry, the Adolf Hitler of imagination, and one of the worst criminals of the history of the human spirit.

This man is Michael Bay.

At first I thought I was being unfair to Mr. Bay. The first movie of his that I saw was the 1995 Will Smith/Martin Lawrence fiasco known as Bad Boys. It would be fair to say that in my youth my taste in film was very limited. I thought The Mask was good at that age, so lord knows how bad my taste was. I was so excited to watch it to because The Fresh Prince was starring in his very first blockbuster, and I was concerned that he couldn't carry the screen without his Uncle Phil to help keep him in line.

Needless to say I was disappointed. Even at 12 years old I knew that this movie was bad. I couldn't decide what was worse: the cheesy one liners, the lame jokes, or the blatant disregard for physics, but I knew I hated it.

It turned out, though, that I was one of the only people that didn't like Bad Boys. The movie grossed $65.8 million in the United States and $75 million overseas, and it was only made for $19 million. Most critics loved it and cited it as the re-emergence of the buddy cop genre.

This film thrust Bay into the spotlight, and began his career as one of the Hollywood elite. I felt that perhaps I had been unfair to him, and he deserved another chance to win me over with his next film. The public was all about this dude; clearly he was going to do great things.

I have since learned that the public has shit for brains.
Quickly one disappointment rolled out after another. The Rock made me hate Sean Connery. Pearl Harbor made me feel like I had stomach cancer (considering how many times I threw up while watching it). The bastard even took my man Bruce Willis and put him in that mess called Armageddon. It occurred to me that great actors were drawn to him and he, in turn, helped them give the worst performances of their careers.

This is a pretty good example of what my brain did after I saw Bruce Willis in that piece of shit.
But all of this I could forgive. I didn't condone it, but dammit I could live with it. He's a Hollywood movie producer/director. Why would he give a shit about my opinion? The dude is making bank. I knew he was just trying to make a living, not trying to destroy my spirit with his awful films.

Unfortunately I couldn't have been more wrong.
Because I had given excuses for Mr. Bay I allowed myself to see Transformers. To be fair, I knew ahead of time that I was going to be disappointed, but I figured that the beloved characters from my childhood could help make up for the awfulness that is Michael Bay. I assumed I was going to get what I paid for; some bad ass robot fights, cool looking cars, and Optimus Prime fisting a Volkswagen.

Well two out of three isn't bad.

I did get what I paid for, but I also got a lot more than I expected. Days after I saw the movie I felt isolated and alone. My roommates tried to talk to me, but I would withdraw. Every time someone brought up Transformers I pretended like I didn't see it. I pretended because I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget how I felt after I saw that film.
I felt like a rape victim, and in a way I was. I felt like my self respect, my intelligence and my imagination were left on the dirty floor after a Hollywood director has his way with them.

I was raped by Michael Bay.

It feels good to finally get that out.

Earlier I said that I didn't think it was a personal vendetta against me, but now I'm sure I was wrong. I believe that Mr. Bay is aware of my existence AND my opinion of him. I believe he has heard my comments and has decided to spend the rest of his career building the worlds largest middle finger and aiming it directly at me.

The biggest problem I have with him, though, is that the majority of the public loves his movies. There are people who think that it is okay to watch a movie just for special effects and explosions. This bothers me because it signifies how much we take true art for granted. If it were up to the public, Transformers would have won best picture at the Academy Awards and that kid from Harry Potter would be best actor every stinking year. We have allowed ourselves to be taken in by mindless entertainment instead of watching something that actually makes us think, something that makes us feel. Michael Bay is an advocate for this way of film making, and he grows stronger everyday. He's like Galactus without the awesome hat.

He has now dipped his hands into the horror genre. How long before Jason Vorhees is driving a motorcycle down an empty highway with C4 exploding all around him? How will you feel when you see Freddy Kruger teaming up with Nicholas Cage to stop a terrorist attack? He is like a cancer that just won't stop spreading.

Citizens of America I beg you...please do not see his films anymore. Every time you pay for a ticket to see one of his flicks you are giving him more money to use against my personal well being. I'm sick of having to try and convince people he is garbage. I am a one man crusade against an iceburg of idiocy.

In closing all I can say is enjoy it while you can Michael Bay. Enjoy your throne of money built off of critics tears. Please continue to dance on the graves of Stanley Kubric, Humphrey Bogart, and Orsen Welles: men who made cinema an art form. Continue to spit in the face of Gregory Peck and call him a pussy for never brandishing a rocket launcher in a movie. I say enjoy it while you can because you might have Bruce Willis fooled, you might have Connery fooled, hell you might even have Spielberg fooled...but I know of one man that wouldn't have put up with your shit...Once they find a way to cure stomach cancer for someone who has been dead for 30 years, the Duke and I are coming for your ass.

1 comment:

  1. Most of the movies you listed are among my least favorite movies ever. I did not realize that one man was behind them all... the world makes sense now. Thank you for opening my eyes.

    Unfortunately, I did enjoy Transformers. Yes, I am one of those people who enjoys a nuke-fest every once in a while... and I apologize. It's my one flaw. But I do appreciate well-made, artistic movies, which is why I cannot applaud the others you have mentioned.

    Again, thank you.