Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Vampire Kids Suck Part 1

Chapter 1

“I have a full house!” Kyle exclaimed, joyfully reaching for the chips.

I looked down at his cards and shook my head. “No you dip shit. That isn’t a full house. You don’t win.”

“Are you sure?” he asked with a stupid look on his face. “You told me a full house was 3 of a kind and two of a kind.”

“Yeah, but they all have to be the same card,” I lied. “Besides, my 2 pair would beat your full house anyway.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” said Wade who was sitting across the table from Berry and looking even more stupid, mostly because of his red hair.
"Shut up Wade," I said. "You're just pissed because you lost the last hand to my pair of 2's."

"I don't understand how that happened," he said. "I had three aces."

I laughed, "Yes, but this is Russian roulette poker Wade... there are different rules. I just wish we had a loaded gun so we can play it for real." There was no such thing as Russian roulette poker, but I I often dreamed of killing Wade, so I try to find any excuse I could to get him to put a gun barrel against his head.

Kyle threw down his cards in frustration, "I don't even know why we play this game, it's so hard to remember all these rules."

I shot them a shit eating grin and raked in the chips as I continued lying to them, “Guys, poker is hard to learn. But, if it’s any consolation you’re both doing a lot better.”

As I shuffled the deck and palmed a few aces into my sleeves, a loud sound came from the kitchen.

“Hey Kyle, I think someone is in your kitchen,” said Wade.

“Yeah, you might want to go check it out,” I said as I casually stole a few chips from Wade’s pile.

Kyle shrugged, “It’s just my younger brother and his friends. They’re heading down to the basement.”

“Isn’t your brother into that vampire crap Kyle?” asked Wade, who was completely unaware that I had just lifted his wallet.

Kyle gazed at Wade and I with a look of shame in his eyes, “Yeah, he and his friends are really into that Twilight crap.”

I rose from my seat and flipped the table over, sending the cards and chips flying across the room. “Twilight! Why the hell is he into Twilight? Didn’t he read my review on that stupid book?”

“I don’t think he reads your blog” said Kyle, who was obviously irritated at me for flipping over his parent’s coffee table and creating such a mess. I made a mental note to buy him a present with Wade’s money to try and make up for my outburst.

“I just don’t understand how teens these days can be into something so lame,” I said. “When we were their age we were into backyard wrestling, underage drinking, and starting fights with the homeless.”
“It’s just a fad, it’ll pass,” said Wade, who was breathing in all the air that belongs to normal non red-headed people with his big stupid nostrils.

“But, why is it a fad?” I asked. “When did sparkling and being emo become cooler than blood sucking and murder?”

Kyle looked up at me as he cleaned up the mess I made, “I’m not really sure how it happened. I don’t really understand the fan base.”

Suddenly I was hit with inspiration faster than Sonny Bono hitting a tree. Tapping into the one semester of journalism I took in college, I realized that I could write an article that deconstructs the Twilight fan base, giving normal people an understanding on what the hell the appeal is. Smelling a Pulitzer Prize, I started to move toward Kyle’s kitchen to confront his little brother on his horrible taste in literature.

“Hey, where are you going?” asked Kyle.

“I just need to ask your brother a couple of questions,” I said.

Kyle laughed as he and Wade picked up the coffee table, “Good luck. He doesn’t talk to anyone who isn’t ‘Vamp’”.

I spun around and locked eyes with my him, “What the hell does that mean? Is it some sort of Communist code? Because I’m down with the hammer and sickle, man.”

Kyle looked at me in utter shock, “What? No, he won’t talk to anyone who isn’t into the vampire lifestyle like he and his friends are.”

“They hang out in the basement and have little rituals and stuff,” said Wade, who was looking around for his missing wallet.

“So, you’re saying I need to dress up like a vampire to even get him to talk to me?” I asked.

“No,” said Kyle “I’m saying you should just leave him alone.”

“Shut your mouth Kyle,” I said as I kicked over the coffee table again, “No wonder you’re 25 and you live with your parents, you have no back bone! You'll still be living in this shitty house while I'm polishing my Pulitzer with a diamond encrusted handkerchief.” I then stormed out of the room with my right middle finger extended in the air, and my left index finger pointing at it in dramatic fashion.

On my way out of the room I could hear Wade ask, “Has anyone seen my wallet?” I quickened my pace as I headed for the basement door.


I decided instead of trying to make contact with them, I would first study their behaviors and see what I could learn. I entered the basement quietly in order to avoid detection. I used the darkness to my advantage, quickly moving from the stairwell to the dryer, and then sneaked over to the dusty, unused treadmill in the corner. From there I could see Kyle’s younger brother Todd and his group of friends sitting in a circle on the floor, surrounded by candles. Todd was wearing black eye liner, although you could barely tell with his long black hair covering most of his face. He was wearing tight leather pants and a white puffy shirt. He looked like a pirate, only more depressing and gay.

Next to him was a skinny blonde girl wearing fish net leggings and a black dress covering most of her body. She could have been hot if her face wasn't covered with gratuitous amounts of makeup and eyeliner. Across from Todd was a fat kid wearing a black eyeliner (I noticed a pattern arising) who was stretching out a black Atticus t-shirt and giving his jeans a workout as he tried sitting Indian style. Fat vampire kids also wore make up and had his mouth pierced. I wondered if he had pierced his mouth shut maybe would be able to fit into that Atticus shirt.

“What do you want to do tonight, Vampier?” the skinny girl said to Todd.

Vampier? I thought to myself. Who the shit is Vampier? That's Todd. I used to hold his fists, make him punch himself and call him a dick wad. This is lame little Todd, what the hell is this chick doing calling him Vampier?

“I don’t know Night Star,” replied Todd. “The moon has not yet risen, and I hunger. We must feed at some point tonight that is for certain.”

“Perhaps we should take to the local court to seek our prey,” said fatty.

“An excellent proposal, Russell,” said the skinny moron.

“Yes,” said Todd, king of wieners, “Once the night sky has taken over the day, we shall depart.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. I had only been listening to them for thirty seconds and I was ready to break my hands on their faces. I was about to jump out from behind the treadmill and pounce on the chubby one with fists flying, when they suddenly got up and started to head for the staircase.

“We will go to the court my friends,” said Todd the shit faced goon, “And there, we will find our prey.”

It suddenly dawned on me that Todd and his homoerotic buddies were talking about going somewhere to hunt for people, and then feed on them. Twilight vampires don't do that. Twilight vampires are vegetarian pussies that sit around and talk about how much the world doesn’t understand them and pour glitter on their pale, acne ridden skin. I realized that maybe my perception of the Twilight vampire fad might have been wrong. Never one to turn down a blood splatter show, I silently waited as they read poetry, played HIM albums, and read their vampire fan fiction to each other.

Just as I was about to strangle myself with my boxer shorts, Todd stood up and and said "It is time for us to go to the court, and feed." I watched as they made their way up the stairs and prepared to follow/stalk them.

My mind started racing to what this “court” could be. Was there some underground vamp kid kingdom I had been unaware of? Did they have blood orgies and feed on young virgin women? Did they sleep in coffins and turn into bats? Did they sparkle? These were questions that needed answered. I stopped when Todd got to the top of the stairs and watched him slowly opened the door.

“Mom!” he yelled, “We're going to the mall!”

I smiled the coy smile that only geniuses can muster. I was going to follow them to this “mall” and discover their blood sucking vampire secrets...

I decided before I could do that I needed to stock up on as much vampire killing supplies as I could, regardless of the price. I wasn't worried; I still had Wade's wallet.

Next week, Chapter 2


  1. This is the worst shit i ever read. Why are you so rude? Why arre you mad that people want to express themselves in diffrent ways? YOUR THE ONE WHOS A DICK WAD!


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