Wednesday, April 1, 2009

3 Reasons Why I Think Natalie Portman Would Be Into Me

As my loyal readers know, I have had a somewhat on again, off again relationship with Natalie Portman. All of my friends have maintained that Natalie Portman would never be into me, considering the fact that she can literally have any man she wants. My argument is that I’ve never heard anything to contradict my assumption, but clearly that is not enough proof for my nay saying friends. So here are three reasons I think I could win not only her heart, but her bank account pin number and house keys.

Reason #1: I’ve seen all of her movies…even the really bad ones.

Dedication is something that women love, and I have proven that I am dedicated to Natalie Portman’s career by seeing every single movie she’s been in. I’ve seen the good, I’ve seen the bad. You would think it wouldn’t be that hard, considering she’s done movies like Garden State, Beautiful Girls, Closer, The Professional, Cold Mountain and V for Vendetta. Don’t forget she’s also done Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium and the Other Boleyn Girl…not to mention the new Star Wars Trilogy. Those movies were so painful to get through I had to take up cutting to alleviate the pain.

But, I watch them regardless. I don’t care if she’s wearing stupid makeup and talking to a retarded fish man. Sometimes an actor just does a movie to get paid, and I’m okay with that. Especially if it means she could use that money to buy me a bad ass sword with a gun attached to it.

Do all the shitty movies you want Natalie. While the critics blast your decline in film making, you and I can live in our Scrooge McDuck sized bank and swim in our pool of gold coins.

Reason #2: Chicks dig dudes that are mysterious.

How many of you people can actually say you know everything about me? Two, maybe three?
HOW ABOUT NONE OF YOU. That’s how fucking mysterious I am. Did you know I carry smoke capsules in my utility belt? How many of you knew I had a utility belt? Zero would be the correct answer. Sure it might be just an old tool belt, but it’s got more function than anything you have around your waist. I bet you don’t even have a socket wrench or a hammer attached to your “I use it to hold my pants up” belt.

That not mysterious enough for you? How many of you were aware that Simon Woods and I fought crime in Huntington for a year? I’ll go ahead and give you the answer…NONE OF YOU KNEW THAT. Hell, I’m reasonably sure Simon has completely forgotten about it. He was known as Fists of Justice and I was The Shovel. He would kick criminal’s asses and decapitate them while I buried them in an abandoned lot. The only reason I retired was because he felt I was slowing down his killing by limiting him to criminals.

Natalie Portman would totally dig this stuff. And, years from now when we have been in a relationship for a long time and we start to lose the sizzle, I’d just randomly throw down a smoke capsule and escape through a vent. She would be so captivated by this seemingly mysterious act that she would have no choice but to be even more into me.

If I have all of these things going for me, imagine what I’m not telling you. And, don’t expect me to tell you anymore of my mystifying secrets.


Cause I’m mysterious.

Reason #3: Science backs my theory.

If I have learned anything about Natalie Portman by watching her movies it is that she usually plays characters that are really into emotionally distraught guys who are coming of age. Here are some emotionally distraught characters she’s fallen in love with in her movies:
  • Willie Conway in Beautiful Girls

  • Andrew Largeman in Garden State

  • Forney Hull in Where the Heart Is

  • Dan Woolf in Closer

  • Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars
Since I automatically assume she takes on roles that she identifies with personally, I naturally will think that SHE is into emotionally distraught guys who are coming of age. Scientifically speaking, if I can have the emotional range and personality of Zach Braff, it is conceivable that Natalie Portman could be into me. If you need it dumbed down for you, here’s a graph I made with Microsoft paint and science.

All of you pessimists may be able to disprove my other arguments, but you cannot argue with science. That’s why it’s called science; contesting it would be like saying Thomas Edison was a lying sack of shit.
Do you want to be the person who called him a lying sack of shit? Why don’t you say it to his face?

I didn’t think so.

This is how I plan to win over Natalie Portman, with a sexually deadly combination of dedication, mystery, emotional vulnerability and Zach Braff. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shopping for swimming trunks with a huge dollar sign on them.

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