Tuesday, February 24, 2009

A Love Letter for the Ages

As you know its very hard for me to be open with people. I've always had a hard time expressing my feelings, especially to you. I have to be honest, I thought it was over between us, that's why I moved on. Yes, I know I am married. She is a wonderful person and she loves me dearly, but deep down she knows that you were always first in my heart.

So now I'm going to say it: I still love you. I have tried to replace you with so many women, but when I saw you this past weekend, I knew that I should never have let you go...
I love you..

...Natalie Portman.

When I saw you standing next to Ben Stiller at the Academy Awards, my heart dropped into my stomach and out my ass. It then got up, bitch slapped me, called me a homo, then went to eat as much sodium as it could.

Lets stop kidding around, you and I are crazy about each other. This game of cat and mouse has to end. I pursued, and you withdrew...you pursued and I withdrew.

And so we danced.

But, tonight it ends. Tonight I say lets just go for it, lets just run away. You're always talking about going to Israel...or something stupid like that. It sounds dumb to me, but I'd do anything for you. Lets go there! I think I've got about $40 bucks saved, that will get us there won't it?

We'll disguise ourselves so no one will recognize us as the beautiful actress Natalie Portman, and the hilarious blogger/public benefits advocate Andrew Johnson. We already know you can pull off the bald chick look. Hell, I'll even shave my head so you won't feel left out. Why would I do that?

Because, I love you.

Cutest cancer patient ever.

Throw some blue paint on us, just for the hell of it. Then you, me and our best friend Patrick Stewart can tour the world as some sort of annoying musical group.

Look I know what you're thinking...this is crazy. You don't want to just up root your life for me, and I understand that. But, I know what my heart wants...and it wants you. You can't deny our chemistry either...were like Cinderella and her glass slipper...a perfect fit.

Unfortunately we are also like a glass slipper in that every time we try to put weight on our relationship it shatters into a million pieces. It's such a shame too...you always thought we would have such adorable kids together.

How can you deny the world by refusing to create this with me?

Natalie I know this is hard, but we are destined to be together. You shouldn't be with that douchey looking guy I've seen you smooching...

Yeah, that walking abortion.

We both know you're just settling because you never thought that we could be what we were meant to be. But, I'm here to tell you now, that I will do anything for you Natalie Portman. I will watch Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium until my eyes melt. I'll start saying I loved Attack of the Clones. Hell, I'll even wrestle Zach Braff in a pool of jello...I don't care. You want it, you've got it.

I know you have a big decision to make Natalie. I don't want to rush you...I want you to take as much time as you need. But, remember that if you ever need anything, I'll be right here...

...waiting for you.

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