When I saw you standing next to Ben Stiller at the Academy Awards, my heart dropped into my stomach and out my ass. It then got up, bitch slapped me, called me a homo, then went to eat as much sodium as it could.Lets stop kidding around, you and I are crazy about each other. This game of cat and mouse has to end. I pursued, and you withdrew...you pursued and I withdrew.
And so we danced.
But, tonight it ends. Tonight I say lets just go for it, lets just run away. You're always talking about going to Israel...or something stupid like that. It sounds dumb to me, but I'd do anything for you. Lets go there! I think I've got about $40 bucks saved, that will get us there won't it?We'll disguise ourselves so no one will recognize us as the beautiful actress Natalie Portman, and the hilarious blogger/public benefits advocate Andrew Johnson. We already know you can pull off the bald chick look. Hell, I'll even shave my head so you won't feel left out. Why would I do that?
Because, I love you.
Cutest cancer patient ever.
Unfortunately we are also like a glass slipper in that every time we try to put weight on our relationship it shatters into a million pieces. It's such a shame too...you always thought we would have such adorable kids together.
How can you deny the world by refusing to create this with me?
Natalie I know this is hard, but we are destined to be together. You shouldn't be with that douchey looking guy I've seen you smooching...
Yeah, that walking abortion.
We both know you're just settling because you never thought that we could be what we were meant to be. But, I'm here to tell you now, that I will do anything for you Natalie Portman. I will watch Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium until my eyes melt. I'll start saying I loved Attack of the Clones. Hell, I'll even wrestle Zach Braff in a pool of jello...I don't care. You want it, you've got it.
I know you have a big decision to make Natalie. I don't want to rush you...I want you to take as much time as you need. But, remember that if you ever need anything, I'll be right here...
...waiting for you.