I was surprised to find that the “mall” they were talking about was nothing more than the local shopping center. And, the “court” they were talking about wasn’t a vampire sex lair at all; it was just the food court. Disappointed, but still eager to see some blood splatter, I entered the mall with a new found dedication to vigilante justice. I was excited at the prospect of jumping in after they made their kill and eliminating them Blade style. I took a seat at the far end of the court to keep a low profile, but still close enough to hear their conversation. I listened intently as I whittled a stake out of some chopsticks I got at PF Chang’s, and doused myself in the garlic I got from Olive Garden.
“We need to make a decision Vampier,” said Russell the fat vampire.
The skinny chick vampire nodded her head in agreement and said, “I haven’t eaten all day, I begin to weaken.”
“Don’t worry my friends, I know what we are having tonight,” said Todd/Vampier/Assface, “We are having steak…RARE!”
Bullshit, I thought. Steak? Is that some sort of slang for cashier’s blood? It turns out it wasn’t as I watched them place their orders at the Steak and Shake, and then proceeded to NOT kill anybody. These kids clearly lost their balls. Vampires don’t eat steak, unless “eating steak” means being stabbed by me in the heart with a sharp piece of wood. Disgruntled, I holstered the chopsticks; it was time for a more direct approach. In order to infiltrate their ranks I needed to go “incognito”. Luckily, I had brought with me an old Dracula costume from my 8th grade Halloween party. I slung the cape around my shoulders, put in the fangs, and added some catsup around the edges of my mouth so they knew I meant business.
“Hey there,” I said as I approached them, “I’m a big vampire nerd just like you fellas. I just got off the boat from ,” I said with a wink, “And I’m in some desperate need of some BLOOD,” I said with another wink and a thumbs up.
The three vampire kids stared up at me with puzzled expressions. As awkward stillness swept over us, I decided to break the tension with a few menacing hisses. When that didn’t work, I decided to end the silence and said, “Feel free to incorporate me into your communal brood anytime now, I don’t have all day,” and threw in a few more hisses for good measure.
“Johnson, what the hell do you want?” asked Todd, the super vampire queen.
Realizing that Todd had seen through my disguise, I started to panic. “Uh…Johnson? Who is this Johnson? I am…Count…Darth…Fett. Yeah, that’s right. Count Darth “Blood taker” Fett…the vampire…from Alderaan.” I then started to flex and pose, “I’m a bounty hunter...and a vampire…from space.”
“I thought you were from Transylvania?” said Todd.
“I said I got off the train from their idiot,” I said as I threatened to slap him with my hand. He cringed, so I gave him two for flinching. “Vampires don’t flinch, Todd. Don’t be a pussy.”
“His name is Vampier, and you’re lying. Alderaan is from Star Wars,” ” said skinny vampire girl.
Russell took the steak sandwich out of his mouth long enough to say, “Ignore him, he’s just a poser.”
Poser? I think. You fat-shit bastard.
“Poser?” I say, “You fat-shit bastard. Here I am trying to unit with my brothers and sister of darkness and all you do is stuff your fat face and judge me?” I grabbed Russell by his skin tight tee-shirt, his eyes filled with terror, “You’re lucky there isn’t a bounty on your head or I’d be cutting you open and curling up in your innards for warmth.”
“That was in Empire Strikes Back,” said skinny girl vampire.
I snarled at her, showing my fangs, “What the hell? Are you a vampire or some Star Wars fag? Want to put up your hair in buns and hang out with Ewoks? I should rip out your trachea and feast on your throat cartilage.”
Todd stood up, “What the hell do you want? Why are you acting like such an idiot? You’re not even Vamp, man. You’re just dressed up like a tool.”
“Look, I’ll level with you,” I said, removing my . “I’m doing research on the vampire fad, and I wanted the real scoop from the people who know most about it.”
“Well why didn’t you just ask us?” said Russell, who was shoving French fries into his food hole.
“It would have been a lot easier that way,” said skinny girl vampire.
With my notepad open and my pen at the ready, I sat down with the three vampires, ready to learn their secrets. “Alright gang, what is so appealing about the vampire lifestyle?”
“Definitely the powers,” said Russell.
“No, it’s the romanticism of it all, the raw sexuality,” said the girl vampire.
“Come on guys,” said Todd, “The best part about being a vampire is that you’re outside of the established order, you’re not part of the main stream.”
“Hold on a sec,” I interrupted, “Did that fat-shit bastard over there just say powers?”
“Oh yeah,” said skinny girl vampire. “I’m a telepath, and an empath vampire.”
“I can fly and hypnotize my prey,” said Todd.
Russell flexed his fat arms, “I have super strength and super speed.”
I maintained alert silence and waited for more. Nothing was forthcoming. I looked Todd in the face, “Get out of town. Tubby has super speed? The only thing he's running toward is a plate of cheese burgers.”
All three of them sighed; it would seem that I “just don’t get it”. They then ignored me and began to hotly debate the best part of the vampire lifestyle. It was at this point I realized the flaw in my plan. I had indeed found the right people to interview for my article, but what I didn’t realize was that they were the most boring bastards on the planet. I slumped in my chair as the debate raged on for thirty minutes.
“I’m sorry to interrupt,” I interrupted, not sorry at all. “But I just don’t think this is a constructive use of our time. Is there anyway you can just show me what you kids do?”
The three of them looked at each other, and smiled. “You want to see what Vampires really do?” asked Todd.
I glared at him, “That’s what I said, retard.”
“Then come with us my friend,” Todd said in a way that made me feel like he was hitting on me,
“And we will make you one of us!”
Next week, Chapter 3