Tuesday, March 31, 2009

5 Reasons Why Simon Woods Is Better Than You

Throughout my life I have had the pleasure of meeting many different kinds of people. Unfortunately there are a finite amount of personalities in this world, so eventually you will meet every single one. I thought I had met them all...that is until I met Simon Woods. Who is Simon Woods you ask? If you don't know by now than I pity you. Simon Woods is a hurricane of ferocity and manliness that came into being sometime in the late 70's. I've known Simon now for close to five years, and I can say with utmost sincerity that he is one of the best examples of perfection that I have ever seen. In honor of this I have compiled a list to show the world his superiority. I did not do this because he has died (he can't die), or because it's his birthday (no one is really sure what day he was born). I do this simply to acknowledge awesomeness. Here are five reasons why Simon Woods is better than you.

#1: He drips manliness everywhere he goes.

Simon is so manly that the United States Census Bureau has him registered as two people. You know why? Because he's so manly they couldn't contain it in one human being. He grows facial hair quicker than most people can inhale oxygen. When he walks into a room, no matter how many women are there, the testosterone level instantly surpasses the estrogen.

So what makes him so manly? Some people think its the occasional handlebar mustache that he grows over the course of a meal, some think its his deep booming voice that makes the sky's crack and women swoon. While these are great examples, I believe it is the fact that he simply does not give a shit about what you think.

Yeah, that's right...you. Especially you.


Need proof? Check this out.

There is a big difference between someone who THINKS they are manly, and someone who IS manly. The difference is that someone who thinks he's manly will scoff at the costume, while someone who is manly will wear it with pride.

And, then he'd kick your ass while wearing it.

Damn he's manly.

#2: He is a trained killer.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this: Simon Woods could kill you before the thought of dying even crossed your mind. For those of you lucky enough for him to call you "friend" this is a good thing. For those of you who don't, it's probably the worst thing that could happen to you short of getting AIDS.

On second thought I take that back. He's more dangerous than AIDS. You'd be lucky to get AIDS instead of angering this man.
To this date I have confirmed at least forty-four documented kills. He has taken forty-four lives. When I asked him why so few, his answer was, "Johnson, those are only the documented ones."

Before you ask, the answer is no, he has not been in the army. That is not the excuse for his massive body count. It might have something to do with the fact that when he used to work at Big Bear, he would walk home counting his money in the open, with the hopes that someone would try to mug him. I do know that he was trained in the tae kwan do, and spent some time with a group of Navy Seals we met at an IHOP one weekend. Aside from that I'm not really sure where his blood lust comes from. I once joked that an army of squirrels were going to take him down. He responded with utmost sincerity, "If that's true, then very shortly squirrels will become an endangered species."

And, he likes squirrels. Think of what he'd do to YOU.

#3: He's multi-talented.

Not only is Simon an accomplished killing machine, he's also a talented actor. He's been in many productions for local theatre, Internet videos, and does voice overs for movies. He's not credited of course, because he doesn't need the approval of people below him. He was the writer/director/tyrant of Campus Crusade for Christ's skit team for two years, and even when he wasn't in charge the rest of the team deferred to him when it came to making decisions. Why did we do that? Because he has a better grasp on the art of acting and performing than anyone we've ever met.

Simon Woods is not just an actor/director though. He's also an accomplished writer. Majoring in English Writing at Marshall University, Simon marched to the beat of his own drum. He wrote a series of sonnets called An Ode to Die Hard. He wrote a story about a wizard boy who fights evil, but sold it to J.K. Rowling after he deemed it "not manly enough" for his name to be attached to it. Simon Woods has talent pouring out of his ass. What he calls diarrhea, we call genius.

#4: All of the Chuck Norris facts are actually about him.

You know all those clever little "facts" about Chuck Norris that have been circulating the Internet over the past few years? Well that actually started as "Simon Woods Facts". He had a website and everything. The only reason it was changed to Chuck Norris was because Simon was afraid of being too well known, and he wanted to continue to operate in secret. Here are some of the best facts changed to what they were originally meant to be:

  • Simon Woods puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

  • For most people, home is where the heart is. For Simon Woods, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

  • Simon Woods doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

  • When Simon Woods does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

  • Some people where Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris wears Simon Woods pajamas.

  • Simon Woods cannot love, he can only not kill.

If you want go to the website and just change the name Chuck Norris to Simon Woods on every entry. Chuck Norris is a bitch compared to Simon Woods.

#5: He's a loyal friend.

I can honestly say, in all seriousness, that Simon Woods is one of my best friends. Simon and I have been friends for five years, and he's one of the handful of people who I have been completely vulnerable with. His girlfriend Christi says I have a crush on him, and my wife calls it a "bromance". I'm not ashamed to say that I love him like a brother, and even though he would never admit it because it would be a sign of weakness (he hates weakness) I know he feels the same way. He's someone I know I'll be friends with until I die. But, I'm not the only person who feels this way about Simon. He has been a loyal friend to many over the years, and he is always there to provide advice or a quick slap to the face to bring you to your senses. Simon Woods rocks the shit boys and girls.

He's also very generous. One year for my birthday, he gave me a great gift; he allowed me to slap him in public and call him a bitch. That's right, the manliest man who has ever lived allowed me to emasculate him in public as a gift. That is nothing short of a miracle.

To end this blog, I want to share my favorite picture of Simon Woods. Thanks for being a great friend buddy. I can't wait to continue kicking ass with you in the future.

Monday, March 30, 2009

A Recent Email From Michael Cera

Hey Johnson! It's me, Michael Cera, also known as your best friend forever (or BFF, whatever you prefer...I prefer BFF). I'm just sending you an email...again. You haven't gotten back to me yet on the other three, so I figured fourth time was a charm! Seriously though man, I've been really down lately. It's hard being out here in Hollywood pretending to be something I'm not. I've got being a douche covered, but where I'm really struggling is pretending I have talent.
I don't know if you've noticed, because you and I are super best friends, but I'm not really that good of an actor. I've pretty much been playing the same part since Arrested Development went off the air. I don't know why people keep casting me in movies. I guess when they wrote Juno, the description for Bleaker was, "kind of like George Michael from Arrested Development. In fact if we can get that kid to do it, that would be sweet". Seriously man, the only reason they let me do Superbad was because Seth Rogan thinks you're hilarious. By the way, remember when you told him to be cool to me? Well, he wasn't Johnson. He wasn't cool at all. Look what he and Jonah Hill did the only night they wanted to hang out with me.

I'm reasonably sure that Jonah ejaculated on me. I don't think you should ghost write anymore of their box office smash movies. Those guys are really just a bunch of meanie heads!

Anyway, did you watch Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist yet? I know you told me you had better things to do, but I sent you your copy of the DVD like 2 months ago and I still haven't heard what you thought. How busy can someone be you silly goose? Ha ha, just kidding. I know you're not a goose. But, please watch it soon and tell me what you think, ok best friend? I bet it's on the top of your to-do list!

Here's some behind the scenes gossip; I asked out Kat Dennings between scenes one day! Unfortunately she said no, but I remembered what you taught me about perseverance. I asked her why and she told me because I "looked too much like a sad dying seal", or whatever that means. She ignored me for the better part of 4 hours until I name dropped you (OMG sorry!). She said she loves your blog and asked for your phone number, but I told her I didn't have it. BTW when are you gonna give me your new number? I keep calling the other number you gave me, but I keep getting a Mexican restaurant. Guess someone likes Casa Dias!
Anyway, I'm really worried about my new movie, Year One. I guess when they wrote the script the character description was "the kid who played George Michael on Juno, only this time he's in the past". I'm worried it's not gonna do well. If I had any other friends I'd ask them what they think, but nobody responds to my emails (just like you! lol jk, jk). Jack Black keeps telling me that it'll be fine, he's been playing the same character for years and nobody seems to notice. He's really nice to me, unlike my on TV Dad Jason Bateman who calls me a dink and slaps me every time I see him. He reminds me a lot like you...in that he doesn't return phone calls and gets these pretend restraining orders! (I'm so kidding!)
Did you know there was a scene between his character and mine in Juno, but he made them rewrite it? He said it was because he had to work with me for 3 years and if he ever had to do a scene with me again he would burn down Fox Studios. I have to do all my scenes with him via blue screen and stand-ins for the Arrested Development movie. He can be a real party pooper!
Well I better wrap this up. Get back to me man, we need to hang soon. Like really soon. I'm not kidding, I'm really lonely. Please write me back this time.
The C-Man (I'm trying out a new nick name, what do you think?)

P.S. I know you like playing practical jokes, so please don't post this email on your blog. It would be really embarrassing to see it there.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

How To Pull Off an All Nighter

It's that time of year again when college students nationwide crap themselves over their final exams. As the end of the year approaches, many students tend to cram for their final exams hoping their last minute attempts to accrue every bit of information that they can, will somehow eleviate their stress level. Well my college friends, I want to aide you by sharing with you some informaton that was helpful to me. When cramming, you will be tempted to pull all nighters. The all nighter is a dangerous act, and should always be treated with the utmost respect. If not, it will rip your face off and take what is left of you home to feed to it's young.

But, if you are foolish enough to attempt the all nighter, remember these important tips.

Tip 1: Drink lots of coffee

Coffee is the all nighter students best friend. Coffee is full of caffeine, and is great for keeping those drooping eyes alert. Now, some people claim that caffeine is addictive. Well that is true, but so is heroin. But, most college students can't afford to shoot up, so coffee is a great substitute for hard drugs; somewhat same effect, and its legal!

Now there are going to be a lot of naysayers that say drinking coffee during an all nighter is a bad idea. They'll tell you that you should drink lots of water to stay hydrated and alert. But, remember folks, these are the same jerks that would tell you it's a bad idea to drop acid while driving heavy machinary, so who gives a crap what they think...am I right?

If coffee is not available to you, here is a list of substitutes that are equal to, or better than coffee:

Soda (any kind with caffeine, best choice Mountain Dew)
No Doz Caffeine Pills
Methylphenidate aka Ritalin

Tip 2: Make sure that the all nighter is used for study purposes only

There is no worse feeling than pulling an all nighter and realizing that it was a total waste. If you have a paper to write, don't spend the whole time playing around on the Internet. All nighters are for study purposes, drug trips, and binge drinking. If you decide to combine the three, I promise you that you will fail your exams, drop out of school, and become a financial burden for everyone else in the country. Be smart kids...wait till after your exams to trip on drugs and binge drink.

Tip 3: Do not pull an all nighter alone

It is very hard to stay awake, and having a friend or two to keep you alert is great to have. But, make sure your friend is trust worthy. If you pick the wrong friend, you could end up falling asleep and missing your exams! If you pick an even worse friend, this could happen...

Then you'll be the kid who failed his exams, and had a dick drawn on his face. Make sure you pick someone credible, and talk to them about it before hand. Give them some pointers, like splashing water on your face, or punching you in the nuts. Whatever you do, just stay awake!

Tip 4: Do not go to sleep

Even if your all nighter is completed and your work is done, never go to sleep. If you go to sleep, there is a good chance that you will miss the class you studied for.

Falling asleep is very risky, especially if you have a kilo of heroin in your system. If you get done early, dick around for a few hours until class starts. You can take a walk, play video games, or surf the web. Do not, however, watch TV or put on a movie. It is very easy to fall asleep while doing these things, but if you find it necessary, make sure its not a Woody Allen movie. Those suckers are so boring you'll pass out before the opening credits are over.

Follow these tips and your all nighters should go well. But, remember that all nighters are not for everyone. They are usually reserved for the ultra paranoid, procrastinators, and the insane. Happy studying!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Text Message Roller Coaster

Yesterday was a particularly boring day at work, and since I no longer have access to facebook on my work computer, (thank you hospital IT assholes), I decided that I would conduct a social experiment. I picked 10 random friends in my cell phone and sent them a series of text messages. But, instead of the usual, “Hey, what’s up?” message, I decided to get a little more creative. The messages I sent started off as innocent, but quickly escalated to strange, then to concerning, and then finally to down right ridiculous.

My first message came across kind of silly, but otherwise pretty normal:
Employee evaluations are today. Do you think it would be conspicuous if I asked what I’m supposed to do here?

Here are some of the better responses:

“Good! Get a raise!”

“Good luck!”
“Not if you ask it inconspicuously…”

“Watch out for them. I got canned at my evaluation.”

“What does conspicuous mean?”

I had now set the stage for what would be a wild ride on Johnson’s text message roller coaster. I decided I would use the next message to push the story into a more comical place…

The Boss asked me what I do for our company. I snarled at him and said “What DON’T I do for this company?” (I’m nailing this.)

Here were some of the responses:

“Maybe you should be professional and stop texting. That doesn’t tend to look good.”

“That’s not a good way to get a raise.”

“What are you doing?”

“Seriously, what does conspicuous mean? Is that a good thing or bad?”

After a few more texts about how I was sabotaging my career, I decided it was time to take this from comically awkward to completely ridiculous.

Boss asked if I had any ideas for company growth. I pointed at my crotch, smiled and said “Give me a minute.”


“What the hell is going on? Are you insane?”


“I’m starting to think you’re trying to get fired.”

“…Okay is this really happening? Because I’m pretty sure that would make you a prick.”

My next message furthered the idea that I was slowly losing my mind.

Boss asked why I charged a $500 jet pack to the company. I blamed it on terrorists. He said he was going to investigate. I need to find someone who looks like a terrorist and pin it on them.

Jet packs...the next big step in medical advocacy.

At this point the responses started coming in a lot quicker. Most were confused as to how I charged a jet pack to my company…

“Seriously? How can you even pretend that’s a business expense?”

“Did you try and cover it up as something else? Like $500 worth of pens?”

“What website did you find it on? Can you buy a jet pack online?”

…but some were more offended.

“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU. You want to find someone who looks like a terrorist? What like a Muslim? That’s so racist. I’m very disappointed in you.”

“Johnson, seriously I think you need to turn yourself in. You could get in a lot of trouble. You’re beyond fraud at this point; you’re talking about framing someone. Call me man, let’s talk.”

“You have a jet pack and you didn’t tell me? That's it, our friendship is over.”

I assumed at this point everyone would realize this was a joke, and have a good laugh at my boredom attacking their naivety. But, because I don’t know when to leave well enough alone, I decided to keep going. I discovered that not everyone realized this was a joke after my next text.

Boss caught me watching The Dark Knight instead of working, and asked me to explain myself. I asked if he wanted to see a magic trick. He took all the pencils out of my office.

I thought it was clearly too silly to be taken seriously. Unfortunately, I found that some people have no sense of humor when it comes to Heath Ledger.

“Johnson, the Joker is not someone you should look up to. I’m getting worried about you. Do you want me to come up and visit?”

“If the whole jet pack thing doesn’t get you fired I’m sure blaspheming Heath Ledger will do it. Have you no respect for the dead?”

“All you do is rip off movies, I’m so sick of it. You try to come across like you’re original but you constantly steal other people’s material. I hope you die.”

It's just a text message folks...why so serious?

I realized that I touched some sort of nerve with the last message. I decided it was time to wrap this little experiment up with the following text…

Boss asked me to give him a reason for him not to fire me. I responded with “Give me a reason why you SHOULD.” He then gave several…I was not expecting that. On a completely unrelated topic, does anybody know of any job leads?


“I would never recommend you for a job. You would get fired and it would reflect poorly on me. I can’t believe you got away with us much as you did.”

“Yeah I have a job lead…it’s called being a jack ass. Good news, you’re the only one eligible.”

“Ha! Good luck loser.”

“I still don’t know what conspicuous means.”

What did I learn from this experiment? Not much really, other than which of my friends are the easiest to mess with. Feel free to use this experiment yourself, I promise it will alleviate boredom for at least a couple of minutes.

Happy texting!

Guest Blogger Robert Hibbs: WATCHMEN EXCLUSIVE: Rorschach’s Deleted Journal Entries

Today my "editor" Robert Hibbs found some never before seen entries of Rorschach's diary, and he decided to share them with you today.

October 15th, 1985

The city smells like eggs…scent pleases me…can’t explain why. Went to see Doctor Manhattan at military base, no one seemed to notice he was naked. Nudity distracted me from staying on task. Perhaps that's point.

Perhaps somebody wants to keep the good doctor in his birthday suit. Keep everybody looking in the other direction. Who would benefit from this? Who would benefit from stealing the clothes of a costume? Is there a cover up to keep the Doctor uncovered?
Hard to tell at this point… could be pants thief...could be government…could be the doctor started a family practice in a nudist colony.
No insurance…no walk-ins welcome…

Reminds me, need to see dentist... back molar cracked. Bit down on a kernel while eating popcorn. Found popcorn in dumpster…no butter…was not enjoyable to eat…kernel sealed the deal…I’m never eating dumpster popcorn again.

The rain feels like hard pellets trying to rip through my coat. I seek shelter under a Buick that’s parked in front of a porno theater and watch the water wash up all the filth on the streets and send it swirling down the drain like a flushing toilet filled with hooker’s blood.

This city needs a colon cleanse and I’m it’s high pressured coffee colonic.

Day 3 Behind Bars
Dear Diary,

At dinner I threw hot grease all over a black man…I never felt so alive. Took moment to threaten the whole prison to maintain dominance. Can’t remember what I said, but know it sounded good. Hopefully they bought it.

Later in showers I could not shake adrenalin rush from turning black man into giant French fry so I raped three men…they never saw it coming.

Cell is lonely at night no sound but there is a buzz in the air. Reminds me when I used to sleep in lion’s cage at zoo. Never knew when the lion was sleeping or awake. Whether lion was watching or eating out of bowl.

It’s impossible to sleep in a lion's cage.

Day 4 Behind Bars

Dear Diary,

Passed out from exhaustion. Woke up naked. Pant’s thief theory is no longer being ruled out.

In the yard nobody talked to me…felt like recess in fourth grade…after I cut open the teacher’s neck with the edge of a book. Teacher quit next day…I never read a book again.

Hours go by like spiders on a sticky web. Try playing hand ball to pass time. Realized I have no hand eye coordination.

I miss my face…

Day 6 Behind Bars

Dear Diary,
Sorry I did not write in you. Tried to overcome pee shyness for 10 hours when midget threatened my life...

I couldn’t stop peeing after that. Put up good front, but something in midget’s eyes terrified me to the core. If I ever get out of this prison I will turn midget into urinal cake.

Day 7 Behind Bars

Dear Diary,

Today, met with psychiatrist. Wanted to throw hot grease on him when he showed me ink blots.

Wants to put me in loony bin. Says it would be better for me. I tell him a prison is a prison. He looks scared then looks concerned.

Seeing concern touches my heart, almost cry. He leaves the room before I can really open up. Missed my chance. Choked back tears.

Better to keep things inside. To open up is like tearing apart an infected wound... and I’m filled with puss.

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Letter Explaining Why I Can't Go Back To Sheetz

To the dick head in front of me in line at Sheetz,

I love Sheetz. They are unlike any other gas station chain in the world. I say this because their food doesn’t suck, and their coffee bar is absolutely stupendous.

This is the place where happiness is born.

Usually when I go to Sheetz to get hot caffeine riddled morning treats, it goes without incident. I order, they make it, I pay, they give me my drink, I go about my day. Of course I assumed that today would be more of the same. That was until you walked in. You looked like a cross between a pig and Michael Moore.

So basically you looked like a pig.
I had a hard time deciding if I wanted my coffee to taste like a cookie, and because of my delay, you were able to secure a spot in line ahead of me, even though I entered the store before you. That was no problem; you were completely entitled to do so. However, what you are not entitled to do are any of the following…

#1: Shove your hand down the back of your pants to scratch your ass.

I have no idea why you couldn’t wait to get your hand in there and start digging away. Maybe you had an itch that just needed relief; maybe you were trying to keep me from ever eating again. Either way I saw what you did. I SAW YOU. Then, I watched as you took the hand that was in your anal cavity, and used it to touch everything in sight. I have never been so repulsed/amazed at the total disregard you had for everyone who would ever walk into that store again.
#2: You tried to pay with Canadian currency.

Very rarely do I get upset about people who embrace other cultures, but in the case of trying to use another country’s currency to pay for your USA Today and huge box of assorted doughnuts, I will allow myself to get a little annoyed. In case you have never been bored on a weekend and felt the desire to waste a few hours in Canada, this is what their currency looks like:

It’s like a gay pride flag.

It’s pretty hard to confuse that with American currency. After you pretended like you didn’t realize that you were not in Quebec for fifteen minutes, you decided to take it upon yourself to convince the cashier how economics work, which brings me to my next point…

#3: You yelled at the cashiers when she was trying to do her job.

I never came closer to punching someone in the back of the head in my life. You literally screamed at the poor woman standing behind the register, demanding to speak to the manager. She replied that the manager was not in yet, and you screamed that you would stand here all day and wait if you had to. I wanted to step in and tell you that this was a Sheetz and not a currency exchange kiosk at the airport, but I decided to just pay for my beverage as quickly as I could to avoid incident. Of course, you made that impossible as you set up shop at the counter, opening your US Today and started munching on the doughnuts that you had not even paid for yet.

I must admit the next thing that occurred might have been my own doing, but you have to understand that you were being an incredible ass, and I needed to get out my frustration in some way that did not end with you having doughnuts shoved into every open orifice on your body. When another register was opened because of your childish hissy fit, I moved over to it. As I passed you I made the comment, “Sweet God, finally,” and I rolled my eyes.

For some reason you took major offense to this, as you began mocking me openly in the store. When you made fun of my shirt and tie, calling me a fancy faggy shit, I’ll admit I was mildly amused by your attempt to deflate my confidence. Then you mentioned my glasses and called me the always classic “four eyes”. I smirked at this, mainly because I knew how unoriginal and behind the times you were, and thought the next insult was going to be a “Your Mama’s so Fat” joke. Unfortunately for you, me, and everyone else in ear shot you decided to step over the line straight into “FUCK YOU” territory…

#4: You said my cookie coffee was a pussy drink.

That did it. You can make fun of my glasses, you can make fun of my tie, hell you can even make fun of my mother…but you will not squander the good name of Sheetz coffee while I’m around.

Would a pussy drink coffee that tastes like a cookie? That kind of boldness takes balls.

I'm not 100% sure what I said to you, (I think I called you Flubber) but I do remember slapping the doughnut out of your hand and telling you to get the hell out of the store. At this point the woman at the register asked us to take it outside, and you decided that would be a good idea. When I followed you ran to your car and took off, proving that you are not only a fat, disgusting thief who bullies woman at registers, you are also a huge bitch.

When I went back in the women thanked me for my intervention and gave me my coffee on the house. Unfortunately for me I didn't have that good feeling you get after chasing off a large mooch with horrible hygiene. I was so pissed by the whole experience I couldn't even enjoy my delicious cookie treat. With that, you had won. You kept me from enjoying my coffee, you disgusting piece of garbage, and the embarrassment you made me feel at putting you in your place will keep me from returning to the gas station that I love so very much.

Tomorrow I'm going to Tim Hortons, and I swear to God if I see you there, I will suffocate you with Tim-Bits.

Yours truly,

The Guy Who Wants To Murder You

4 Movies That Lie To Heartbroken People

The other day I was talking to a friend who recently broke up with his long term girlfriend. He was justifiably upset, and I let him get out all the pain he had on my favorite hoodie (contrary to popular belief, tears do stain). A few days later we talked again, and he was surprisingly upbeat. I asked him what prompted this sudden transformation, and he told me he spent the whole weekend watching romance movies, and they helped him realize that true love is possible, and it might not be too late for him and his lost love.

Now I love a great romance story, but the inherent problem with them is that most of them are utter bullshit.
Need proof? Here's four of my favorite love stories that lie right to your face. To prove how serious I am about this subject, I picked my absolute favorite romance films. These are movies that tug at my heart strings every time I watch them...and now I am going to ruin them for all of us.

*WARNING: This post has movie spoilers and is also a particularly bitter entry. If you don't want to have these movies ruined for you I suggest you stop reading now.*

Say Anything...
The Story: It's your basic Lloyd meets girl story. Say Anything... features John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, a mediocre student and aspiring kickboxer who attempts a relationship with school valedictorian Diane Court (played by Ione Skye), despite the fact that some of his friends believe she is out of his league. Diane has just won a major fellowship to study in England and will be going there at the end of the summer. Her father Jim, played by John Mahoney, is under investigation by the Internal Revenue Service for alleged tax violations committed at his nursing home, and Diane worries she should be spending more time with her father rather than Lloyd. Also, Jim does not approve of his daughter dating an underachiever like Lloyd, and pressures her to break up with him. Lloyd ultimately wins her heart before the summer's end and helps support Diane through her dad's conviction. The film ends with Lloyd escorting nervous-flyer Diane to England.
The Reason You Watch It: Lloyd Dobler is a hopeless romantic, a man who will stand outside your house playing your song on a boom box held over his head just to try and get you to notice him. He's the kind of guy that will kick glass out of your way so you won't step in it. Lloyd Dobler is the kind of guy that every girl wants, and every guy should strive to be like. To say I love Lloyd Dobler is putting it mildly...I fucking idolize the guy. It's also a great feeling to know that in the end, Diane realized that Lloyd would be the only guy in the world for her, the one who would always protect her and be patient with her, someone she could say anything to.

Why It's Full Of Shit: Diane Court would never in a million years take Lloyd with her to England. He was a summer fling, and he was a nice distraction, but Diane would fall for the first dude with an accent that was interested in her. It works that way, even if a dude is ugly as fuck, if he has an accent he is instantly more attractive than any American guy. There relationship just wouldn't work out in the long term, and I'm sure someone like Diane would realize that. They wouldn't work out because as awesome as they were together, people usually choose life over love. Yes it's depressing to think that they don't end up together. The unfortunate fact though is that most people who are in love never end up together. That's what happens when two people from completely different worlds try to come together...they crash and burn.

The Story: Juno (Ellen Page) is a sixteen year old high school student faced with an unexpected pregnancy. The father is another teenager named Pauly Bleeker (Michael Cera) who she doesn't consider to be her boyfriend. She wants it to go away like a bad dream, but she realizes she needs to take control of the situation. She considers Woman's Help Center for what she calls "Speedy Abortion", but her friend Su-Chin, an anti-abortion protester, tells her just outside the clinic that the fetus probably has fingernails by now and Juno changes her mind. Juno finds an ad in the Penny Saver from Mark & Vanessa Loring (Jason Bateman, Jennifer Garner), who are desperate for a child, but ultimately have a marriage that falls apart due to Mark not being ready to be a father.

Throughout the film Juno comes to understand relationships and makes a decision to seek out the love of the boy who got her pregnant, because she actually cares for him and he probably cares a lot for her. They become very close and Juno finds she actually loves him. They become a couple, Juno delivers the baby, and rather surprisingly Vanessa still makes the adoption, as a single parent. Juno and her lover elect to not see the child, and to let matters take their course. In closing scenes life has returned to normal and she and Bleeker sing a Moldy Peaches song together.
The Reason You Watch It: Aside from it's quirky dialogue, bad ass soundtrack, and Rainn Wilson cameo, people like this movie because of the love story between Juno and Bleeker. Two 16 year old kids who not only find true love with each other, but are able to get through a strenuous and life changing event together. It's a bold statement that says you can fall in love at any time, and under the most unusual circumstances.

Why It's Full Of Shit: Lets ignore the obvious reason (Bleeker heading for the hills the second she utters "I'm pregnant") and just go to the root of the problem. Do you honestly think that relationship would last? For one thing, they're fucking 16...nobody knows shit at 16. Juno isn't the type of girl to settle down anyway, she's wild at heart. Bleeker would held onto her for a while, mostly because she feels bad for him, but eventually his passive aggressiveness would have driven them apart.

Now there are a few instances where this is not the case. I know plenty of people who met their one and only in high school and have gone on to have great, long lasting relationships. But, when you're talking about Juno, you have to keep one thing in mind...

Those couples didn't have a fucking baby together at the age of 16.

How do you get over something like that? You have already had a child together...what the hell do you do next? Go to prom? Join 4-H together and make Popsicle forts? You blew your load too early kids, prepare for a boring fuck relationship.

So if you want to watch a movie about how you and your high school sweet heart are meant to be, I hope I have officially ruined this barrel of lies for you.

Love Actually
The Story: Love is all around us. And that's certainly true for all of these people. John and Just Judy have fallen in love with each other while on the set of an erotically charged film. David has just become the new Prime Minister. The second he steps into his office/home, he is smitten with Natalie, his catering manager who had already screwed up at the first minute. David's sister is Karen, who's married to Harry, who runs a local magazine. Harry is somewhat smitten by his secretary, Mia, who is constantly hitting on him. Harry's best editor is Sarah, who has a brother in the asylum and a not-so-hidden crush on Karl, who has a thing for her as well. Karen is friends with both Daniel (Liam Neeson), who has just lost his wife and has discovered that his stepson is in love with a young American girl, and Jamie, whose girlfriend has just left him for his younger and more attractive brother, forcing him to move to France to continue writing his novel while falling for Aurelia, a young Portuguese woman who can't speak a lick of English or French. Juliet has just married Peter, not realizing that his best friend Mark has loved her since they first met. Colin is desperate to have sex and believes that in order to do that, he should travel to Wisconsin because he thinks that American women will dig him for being British. And Billy Mack, an old rocker who is climbing back up the charts after battling his old heroin addiction, is on the radio and TV shows either bad-mouthing his new CD, insulting his manager, Joe, or a hot new boy band, or calling Britney Spears the worst sex he's ever had. Ultimately Peter, Juliet, and Mark co-exist together quite well, Colin bangs a bunch of American girls (dudes with accents, I'm telling you), Aurelia and Jamie become engaged, Harry and Karen try to make their marriage work and David and Natalie fall hopelessly in love and start a relationship together.

The Reason You Watch It: This movie covers every kind of relationship possible so that it can appeal to everyone. At one point or another everyone has gone through something that Love Actually had in its plot. It shows that love is all around, and that its awesome power can do anything.

Why It's Full Of Shit: Christ where do I start. First off, when Jamie showed up at the restaurant that Aurelia works at to propose to her, he's known her for like 3 weeks.


I think he might be jumping the gun a little bit on that one. I mean I can see why she said yes. He's a writer with a sexy accent, and she's a piss poor Portuguese waitress/maid. She'd be an idiot not to take that golden ticket. I just don't think its going to end well for Jamie when he realizes that maybe rushing into marriage with someone he doesn't even know turns out to be a horrible idea.

Also David would not choose Natalie. He would always pick his career first. Why do you ask? Because he's the Prime Minister. It's not like he's a butcher. He made it clear his feelings for Natalie distracted him from his work. He probably would have gotten a blow job under his desk, smoked a cigar, then called it a day with Natalie.

Mark would not have stayed friends with Juliet and Peter. If you haven't had to deal with someone you love being with someone else than consider yourself lucky, because it's the most painful thing imaginable. To make it worse he was best friends with the guy his heart is telling him to despise. Unless Mark was a masochist I'm pretty sure he would have said so long to that friendship in order to pull himself back together.

Karen and Harry would have ended up divorced.

Colin would have gotten an STD.

Billy Mack would have OD'd on cocaine, dying in a pool of his own urine.

Merry fucking Christmas.

The Notebook
The Story: A young woman comes to the coastal town of Seabrook, North Carolina in the 1940's to spend the summer with her family. Still in her teens, Allie Hamilton (Rachel McAdams) meets local boy Noah Calhoun (Ryan Gosling) at a Carnival. On the spot, Noah senses that he and Allie are meant to be together. Though she is a wealthy debutante and he a mill worker, over the course of one passionate and carefree summer in the South, the two fall deeply in love. Circumstances - and the sudden outbreak of World War II - drive them apart, but both continue to be haunted by memories of each other. When Noah returns home from the war years later, Allie is irrevocably gone from his life, but not from his heart.Though Noah doesn't yet know it, Allie has come back to Seabrook, where they first fell in love. But, now Allie is engaged to marry Lon (James Marsden), a wealthy soldier she met while volunteering in a GI hospital. Several years pass, and, when they meet again, their passion is rekindled, forcing Allie to choose between two men...her fiance who she has been with for years, or her fist love that has come back into her life. In the end Allie chooses Noah, the first man she ever gave her heart to, and they grow old and die together.
The Reason You Watch It: Everyone wants to believe that true love can last through anything. Allie was torn to pieces, but ultimately she had to choose one of them. The love that she had with Noah is the kind of love everyone wants to have...unconditional and ever lasting. Even if she had picked Lon, Noah would have still loved her till the end of time. The idea of a love that strong is what makes this movie so enjoyable.

Also everyone has that love out there, the one who makes your heart skip a beat whenever you see them. The person you can't go a day without thinking about. Some people married that love, some had to let them go. Either way, The Notebook is relate able because everyone has gone through it. It shows us a love that we can compare to our own, and see that sometimes true love actually does conquer all.
Why It's Full Of Shit: Allie would never have picked Noah over Lon. NEVER. Yes, she loved him, but she also loved Lon. And, guess what? Lon wasn't a bad guy. He was actually a great guy. He put up with a lot of Allie's shit, and Lord knows she was a huge pain in the ass. She would have chosen Lon for one simple reason, he is the comfortable choice. The easy choice. This is where love has no say in the matter. She loved them both, so you have to look at the other factors. Choosing Noah means she has to pretty much abandon everything else in her life just to be with him. She would lose her family's approval, her friends, her whole life. By choosing Lon she keeps all these things. Yeah she loses Noah, but she's lost him once before...she can do it again. Noah was a risk, and I am yet to see in the real world a girl take a risk that big. Those kind of things just don't happen.
The sad truth boys and girls is that true love is not all powerful. It can't heal all wounds. Love is a beautiful thing, and you can share that love with someone for a long time...even till the day you die. But, the simple truth is that most of the time, things just don't work out. I don't think I'm a pessimist, I think I'm just being realistic here. It's just not conceivable to think a girl would leave her long term relationship for a chance with a guy she fell in love with over a summer when she was a teenager.
Regardless of this I love The Notebook, I don't care who knows it. I myself like the idea that true love conquers all. I seriously feel for everyone who has not had a chance to try and grasp onto that one lost love, but it's time to let that stuff go people. Time to move on and see what else the big old world has to offer you.
Well, I hope I have officially depressed everyone enough to never believe in true love again. Please keep in mind that I don't hate these movies, I love them. But, once again they are movies...fictional ones at that. I think its time that we as a society stop filling our heads with this stuff and expecting it our love lives to turn out like they do in the movies. Relationships take work folks.
Stop waiting for true love to happen for you, and go out and make it happen. Either that or cry like a bitch. FYI girls don't like cry babies.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

My Editor

Today started off as any other day… I ran four miles down my hill wearing a mesh t-shirt and tight track pants, fought a series of deadly ninjas, and treated myself to a snow cone at Dairy Queen (I usually try to get there before they open, as to avoid payment). When I got home, ready to wash the sweat, syrup, and ninja blood off of my glistening body, my phone suddenly rang. I answered, checking out my bulging biceps as I held the phone to my ear,


“Mr. Johnson, this is Mr. Hibbs’s assistant. He needs you to come to his office right away.”

I groaned as I dropped the phone to my side. Mr. Hibbs, also known as Robert Hibbs, Agent Hibbs, or just plain old Hibbs, is the self proclaimed editor of my blog…the very blog you are now reading. I hate going to Hibbs’s office because he is located in South Carolina. I put the phone back to my ear, “Couldn’t I just talk to him over the phone? I really don’t feel like driving to South Carolina today.”

“No sir, he’s very insistent that you come in. He’s not in a very good mood.” In the background I could hear the sound of a man fighting either a lion or some kind of Yeti. I realized I should probably get going.

I arrived roughly 13 hours later in my trusty gold Cobalt named Jeff. Diego, Hibbs’s assistant, was waiting for me at the front door with a wet nap and a vial of his blood, as was his custom. He led me down a long hallway adorned with pictures of Hibbs fighting various predatory animals. The door to the office was a large stone wall with hieroglyphics carved into it. Diego said the incantation and we proceeded inside.

I'm still not sure how he became my editor...I created the blog and he doesn't pay me.

Perched atop a stuffed Pterodactyl (his desk chair) was my editor, violently banging the casket of Josef Stalin (his desk) with a machete (his “decision maker”). I could tell he was upset…he was wearing his blue ski pants. He only wears his blue ski pants when he anticipates blood spatter.

Needless to say I’ve only seen him in the blue ski pants.

“Johnson,” he said, pulling off his Ray-Ban aviators for dramatic effect, “what is this bullshit you posted yesterday?”
I looked at his computer, adorned with She-Ra stickers, and saw my latest blog on the screen.

“That’s my latest entry. I’ll be honest I thought it was pretty weak.”

Hibbs rubbed some olive oil into his beard before he continued, “You’re God damn right it’s weak…it’s a fucking disaster. You know how many subscribers we lost due to this piece of shit?”

“We have subscribers?”

“Fuck yeah we do,” he said as he lifted his golden Thundercats goblet to his lips. “People pay big dollars to read that blog. We are starting to get a following on this blog Johnson, it’s time we stop fucking around and get serious.”

“Why haven’t I seen any money from these subscribers?”

Hibbs adjusted his snake skin Jonas Brothers head band, “That’s not important. What is important though is that The JohnsoNation needs to retool. We are shutting down for a week.”

“But, I was already gone for a week. I was in Disney World.”

He stared at me in confusion as he put out lit cigarettes on my arm.

“You filled in, so did DeLung. You both covered for me.”

“I think I would remember doing something like that,” he said as he snorted a line of cocaine off of Halle Berry’s ass.

He also uses her butt to lay out finger foods at parties.

“Look, I’m not shutting down the blog; I’ll just come up with better material.”

Hibbs pulls up his socks to reveal roller blades made of solid concrete, “Good idea, what if you did a weekly entry on how much you hate Michael Bay?”

“I’m pretty sure I said everything I had to on the subject.”

Hibbs took off his hat with the swastika button and scratched his head, “What about if we had DeLung write a blog about his racist attitude toward the Chinese?”

“He did write an article but it was a social commentary on the Chinese in America. You and you’re “editing” changed it to compare the Chinese to Gremlins. He’s been getting pipe bombs left in his mailbox.”

“Look here Johnson,” Hibbs says as he holds his machete next to my throat, “I’m tired of your pussy articles about how you love Natalie Portman, your love of gays, and how much you like toilet paper. I want an article that’s going to blow the balls off everyone who reads it. I want something that will make your fucking eye balls pop out of your head, because they recognize that they have just read the best article of all time. Can you deliver that to me?”

This is how he motivates me...fear.

“Hibbs,” I said while urine ran down my leg, "I really don't think I can live up to something like that."

He lowered his weapon, gazing at me with his purple demon eyes, “Well what can you give me?”

“Pretty much the same thing I’ve been doing; only I could curse more and do more lists.”

“That’s good,” he said as he wrapped his cybernetic arm around me. “I got an idea for an article…it’s called Famous People Who Should Have Been Aborted…”

As I left Hibbs’s office feeling less secure about my writing abilities, I reflected on how I didn’t even notice him stealing my wallet or my car keys. If you ever get an editor, make sure he’s actually an editor, not just some dude who talks to his beard. That’s all I have to say.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Things You Shouldn't Do In Disney World

I'm back from Florida more buff and tan than ever. While I was on holiday at Disney World, I learned a few things about myself...little soul searching and all. Also I learned something about Disney World that I wasn't aware of when I initially booked the trip. Now I am not confirming nor denying that I gained first hand experience in the following moments, I could have just learned it through careful observation. Needless to say if I had known this before hand, I might have skipped the trip all together.

Basically, Disney does not want you to get drunk in their parks.

This is a hard task when you're over 21 and in Epcot for two reasons. One is the fact that Epcot is boring as fuck when you're over the age of 10. There are 3 sweet rides then its all science stuff. If I wanted to learn I'd watch Mr. Wizard...I was there to lose brain cells from fast reckless rides. The other reason is that they serve alcohol...

...and when you can get a different kind of beer in each fake country display Epcot has, it is very easy to get smashed.

From what I observed Disney is not a huge fan of people getting sloppy drunk in their park. They try to limit customers to two beers, but unfortunatly for them they have a huge loop hole. You only have to follow that rule if you keep trying to drink from the same vendor. So if you start in Mexico you could be shit faced by the time you hit Japan (they aren't that far apart). But, in case you do drink, do not under any circumstances, do any of the following:



And, most importantly, DO NOT TRY TO PICK A FIGHT WITH RAFIKI. He might seem nice and friendly while taking pictures with you, but never under estimate the fact that there is a chance the guy in the costume is a black belt in tae kwan do.

Not that I would know from personal experience or anything. Needless to say if you decide to drink while in Disney World there is a good chance you could get your ass kicked by a man in a monkey costume, and you'll end up spending the night in the drunk tank..

Also I advise everyone to not drop X and try to talk to trash cans.

It will freak you the hell out when they actually talk back.

Avoid these things and you should have a decent time.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Guest Blogger Joshua DeLung: Gremlins in Chinatown

(Once again, greetings from Florida. While I'm on holiday I asked a couple of guys to take over the blog for me. First you saw Robbie Hibb's take on the I-World, now here's another talented writer named Josh DeLung. Today he's going to tell us about his experience in Chinatown.)

“Welcome to Wok ’n‘ Roll,” the stubby, aging Chinese woman at the counter said as I walked in the door to the restaurant.

He didn't give me any pictures to work with, so here's some bears.

I smiled and felt guilty about my internal chuckle regarding her pronunciation of the word rock, until I looked at the sign again and realized she had pronounced better than I could read — then I just felt more douchey.

However, my overall feeling since arriving in Washington, D.C.’s Chinatown had not been one of overall excitement. My day of touring some of the capital’s museums, which I had not been to in years, had been astoundingly fun. I had initially been ecstatic about going farther from the mall to Chinatown. Of course, my idea of Chinatown had been straight out of the New York version portrayed in the 1984 film Gremlins.
I expected dark alleys, shady street vendors selling dog on a stick and — of course — Mr. Miyagi types in conical Vietnamese hats. In addition, I had hopes of finding one of these vendors with a mogwai to spare. For those of you who spent the ’80s hopped up on Mountain Dew and terrible pop music, a mogwai is the cute, furry creature that turns into a gremlin if it is fed after midnight.

Not a mogwai...this is a bear.

I know what you’re thinking. You thought mogwai turned into gremlins if they got wet, not if they are fed after midnight. But any specialist of fictional creature culture knows that getting a mogwai wet just spawns more mogwai (yes, mogwai is both the singular and plural form, you noob).

Oh, that’s not what you were thinking? You were thinking my aspirations for Chinatown were a little too much? Well, I realized that when I saw McDonald’s, Bed Bath & Beyond, and BB&T all nice and shiny in Chinatown. The only difference? Kanji on the windows and signage.

Discontent, but resigned to the harsh realization that I would not find Gizmo (or even Stripe or Mohawk), I decided to try the only truly Chinese thing in D.C.’s Chinatown — the food. Believe it or not, the restaurants in Chinatown all had the same menu (yeah, just like every Chinese restaurant you’ve been to that isn’t in Chinatown), so I walked into the nearest one. And this brings us back to where we started this story.

I sat down to wait on my General Tso’s chicken and spider roll sushi (after reordering when the server mistakenly brought me Kung Pao chicken and a five-minute, broken-English argument ensued). Then, to my happy surprise, I saw a boy who was unmistakably a mogwai.

He was small, furry, and he had huge eyes and some brown spots.

Close enough.

I knew how rare this encounter must be, so before I could stop myself, I grabbed my tapwater-filled glass (with hopes of creating more of the cuddly critters) and heaved it in the mogwai’s direction. As it turns out, toddlers of interracial couples with hypertrichosis are not necessarily mogwai.

Needless to say, I took my meal to go, which tasted strangely like nostalgia and broken dreams. Next stop, Little Italy!

(Joshua DeLung is the writer of the blog Relatively Journalizing, and is a handsome individual with a crew cut.)

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Guest Blogger Robert Hibbs: I-Pod, I-Phone, I-People, I-World

(Hello from sunny Florida. Since I'm on vacation a couple of guys have taken up the reigns of the blog for me this week. The first guest blogger is a man who needs no introduction, he is the great Robert Hibbs.)

First there was the I-Pod, that small hand held device that spared millions the annoyance of getting songs stuck in their heads by having all songs ever recorded captured in a thin rectangular box with a view screen and ear phones so that you could be in control of what musical sounds entered your brain, and spawned from the success of its massive sales came the I-Phone which is now the king of the I-Kingdom. The I-Phone has grown in popularity not only because of it’s easy to use innovative features but also because it firmly reinstates cell phone owners long forgotten need to show off how important they are by giving them a virtual cornucopia of endless annoying applications.

Not only does it do everything and more, but it also alleviates some of the stress that comes with day to day multi-tasking; and caters to the flashbulb attention spans of a growing population of hyper maniacs while at the same time serving as a strong an ever present metaphor for the techno-culture it helps to procreate.

"It’s ALIVE!"

Arguably, the I-phone could be the very first artificial personification of the feel and the lifestyle of the people of the 21st century, and if you don’t believe me you need only look to the letter I.
The I in I-Phone is the same I as in Information. The same I that stands for I’m so special with my phone. The same I that means I have something fancy. The same I as in I want more. The same I as I must have it all. The same I as in I don’t care…I, I, I, me me me!

The people of the future…the children of tomorrow… are made up of a great majority of self-absorbed, self centered, super-selfish, super-snobs whose arrogance and callous can be cleverly masked by a smiley face at the end of a misspelled text message about a juicy piece of celebrity gossip or obscured by the charms of a fun-loving attitude that they project while striving for a life of total excess.

That’s hot.

They want it all and they want it in a nano second. They want all the useless information that can possibly be crammed into our soft, feeble minds. They want to feel special and unique like they’re the prettiest sheep in the herd, and they want all the fancy gadgets and high tech junk they can get they’re greedy little hands on even if it means having to take out four different loans and ending up completely bankrupt in the process.

“Yes…yes… it’s awl groing according to pran.”

You know we have all these wonderful toys. We can download all of the music we want within an instant. We can burn motion pictures onto discs or have them streaming on our computers before they even come out in the theaters. We can talk to anyone almost at anytime from anywhere including space, and at the end of the day when you finally unplug from the cyber world…don’t you feel kind of empty inside? Like something’s just missing?

I miss the old west.

I don’t know maybe it’s just me, but all this technology, as convenient and as cool as it can be, does the opposite of making me feel all “hip” and “with it.” It makes me feel like a robot. A mindless automaton that doesn’t have to think or feel just click, update and reprogram.

I don’t have to remember the lyrics to a song. I can just look them up online.

I don’t have to remember people’s numbers or home addresses. I got them stored on my phone and I never have to dial them.

I don’t have to expel any thought or energy in doing really anything at all. Everything can be done for me from the comfort of my home computer or my handy dandy mobile device.
Don’t get me wrong. If we didn’t have the technological advancements of today we wouldn’t have much of a future. There would be no real progress in medicine, home care, we wouldn’t have bridges…we need bridges...we wouldn’t have comfortable shoes, underwater watches and we would forever be left without things like the pizza bagel.

Which is as we all know a true feat of human engineering.

It’s just that all these media devices are getting more and more invasive, and I don’t want to sound too dramatic, but the more grand devices like I-Phones and I-Pods become the more we start to lose sense of our own humanity and even our reality.


Technology like I-Phones, and computers in general really, have replaced our need for having a memory. And, by taking away our memories they have in essences taken away our imagination. Without having the need to think for ourselves, it’s really only a matter of time before we fade out completely and become nothing more than an oddity looked upon by the computers themselves though clips teenage androids look up on YouTube.

So I ask you…what’s next for the I-World?


That wouldn’t be too bad...each wheel could be a toggle switch that runs on musical notes, and instead of a steering wheel you could have a touch screen.

How about I-Skin?

“I feel I-Sexy”

You could get different covers, and you wouldn’t need a USB to connect to your home computer...you could just strip down and dry hump your hard drive.

How about I-Food?


Fuck it! I-Air?

“It feels like air but sounds like Coldplay

I-People, I give you this I-Blog, not to bitch about a cell phone that I can’t afford, but to give you a word of caution. Enjoy all these toys that we have. Make the connections you need to make with them, use them to plan your day but don’t let them run your lives. Stay in control and maintain control over these technological marvels, and above all else don’t let them replace your independent thought.

Because before you know it, the next time you wake up, everything you see may look like this:

And Keanu Reeves won’t be around to save you.

(If you enjoyed this blog entry, look up Hibbs on http://www.facebook.com/ and enjoy his many hilarious notes.)