Thursday, May 7, 2009

Unopened Letters to the World

Have you ever gotten really mad at someone? So angry that you just had to get it out before it over took you and sent you on a gun toting killing spree? Well I feel that way very often. But, instead of grabbing a silenced AK47 and capping people Grand Theft Auto style, I decided it was probably better to just put my frustrations down on paper. I had always heard that writing a letter and not sending it was very therapeutic, and I have to say that after writing at least a dozen a day, it sure does keep those murderous rages in check.

Today I decided to share with you all some of those unsent letters in hopes that it can inspire you to take out your aggression in words instead of fisticuffs. And, to those of you who these letters are about, I am sorry my feelings toward you had to get like this, but lets be honest...this has been a long time coming.

***

Dear Fax Machine at work,

I’m getting really sick of your crap. Day in and day out you find new ways to piss me off. I don’t know when you and the paper shredder decided to switch prime directives, but I assure you I have had enough of it. If you continue to shred every piece of paper I try to fax, I will go Office Space on your ass.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson Esq.

P.S. Please let the shredder know that I am tired of having to personally cut up every document I try to send through it. I don’t know if it’s jammed or having a good laugh at my expense, but please remember that I have appendages, and I’ll throw you both out the damn window.

***

Dear Twilight,

I don’t understand why you are popular. I’m more interesting than you, why aren’t I popular?

Is it because I don’t sparkle?

Sincerely,

Vampire Hunter Johnson

***

Dear random April weather,

Make up your freaking mind already. Snow in April is completely unnecessary, not to mention a tad inappropriate. Get your shit together.

If you’re having a hard time and need to talk to someone, please…do not call me.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson, Meteorologist to the Stars

***

Dear Guys Who Pop Their Collars,

You look like tool bags. When someone pops their collar they are basically screaming "Hey look how big of a douche bag I am!"

What is worse is the multiple pop collared guy. Why are you wearing that many shirts? Are you cold? Or do you just want to show the world that you are more of a douche bag than all the other pop collar douche bags?

Please stop popping your collars. Women are not impressed.

Sincerely,

Andrew “No Pop Zone” Johnson

***

Dear Shoelaces,

I did not tie you today because I wanted to let you experience the thrills of freedom. Unfortunately you used this as an excuse to be careless, causing me trip and fall down in front of everyone while I waited in line at Wendy’s. I don’t know if it was just that you got sloppy, or if you have some pent up resentment toward me, but this will be the last time you experience the cathartic feeling of blowing in the wind.

You did this to yourself. From now on you will be double knotted.

Sincerely,

“Shoe Dictator” Johnson

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

I have tolerated your presence for far too long. You are not a welcomed guest in my home, and from this point on you will be treated with maximum hostility. If you continue to poop in my kitchen, I will buy a cat for the sole purpose of ending your miserable life. I would still like to end this conflict peacefully, but my patience is wearing thin.

I’m giving you 24 hours to vacate the premises. My wife has already bought traps, but I think I can keep her at bay for a little while longer. Get the hell out, or things are going to get ugly.

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson, Mousketeer #765

***

Dear Channing Tatum,

I don’t like your movies. Please stop making them.

Sincerely,

Step Up to the Johnson





***

Dear Writer’s Block,

I know you like it here, but please consider leaving soon. I really want to get some work done, and inspiration won’t come over when you are here. I understand you two had a falling out some years back. Please come to some sort of understanding for my sake.

Sincerely,

A Struggling Johnson

P.S. Please tell procrastination to stop playing my X Box 360. He has also overstayed his welcome.

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

I gave you the chance to get out. I did not want there to be any blood shed. Unfortunately you have forced my hand, and my wife has deployed the traps smeared with peanut butter.

You brought this on yourself.

Andrew “Death to Mickey” Johnson

***

Dear Mouse who frequents my pantry,

How did you get the peanut butter off the trap without setting it off? Are you some sort of wizard? Well played little adversary, but I will have the last laugh. I might not have devil mouse magic on my side, but I have the next best thing…devil cat magic.

Mr. Whiskers is going to fucking end you.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Round 2” Johnson

***

Dear Facebook,

Please stop being so addictive. I’m with you so much I feel like I’m having an affair.

I wish I knew how to quit you.



Sincerely,

Poke-Master Johnson

***

Dear Swine Flu,

Think you’re a big man infecting woman and babies? To be honest that sounds pretty lame. Why are people scared of you? You seem like a bitch to me. I dare you to try and infect me you pig disease. My white blood cells will decimate your barnyard threat and then flush you out of my body without mercy.

Bring it on Swine Flu, and prepare to be dazzled.

Sincerely,

Andrew “I eat bacon flu for breakfast” Johnson

***

Dear boss,

When you want me to go over the reports you type up, please do not use Microsoft Word 2000. It is out of date, and I cannot open it without it looking like jumbled coding. Please get some new software, or at least acknowledge that the problem is not me, but your lack of technological know-how.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Underpaid” Johnson

P.S. Please stop spitting when you talk. It is not endearing.

***

Dear Swine Flu,

Okay, you win. I wave the white flag, I submit to your overpowering urges to vomit. I will do anything you ask, please just don’t make me poop my pants in public again. I swear I’ll infect a million children if you promise to just leave me with my dignity intact.

Sincerely,

Andrew “Please make it stop” Johnson

***

Dear Mr. Whiskers,

While I appreciate your help in eliminating the mouse that was living in my pantry, I think its time you were on your way. We had an agreement when you moved in that you would stay only as long as it took to get rid of the pest. Now that you have ended his life, (and proudly displayed his remains on the kitchen table) I believe you have fulfilled your contract and paid you the eighteen cans of tuna that you required. Why you have not left yet is beyond me.

I am tired of finding fur balls on the floor, and cat poop in the potted plants. Your presence has not been an improvement over the mouse. I am going to ask you this only once; please collect your payment and leave. We do not want a cat, and we do not need a cat any longer.

If another position opens up we would be happy to reconsider your services. Until then I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

Sincerely,

Andrew "The guy whose house you won't leave" Johnson

P.S. Please stop biting my wife's ankles when she walks past you. She had to get a tetanus shot and is considering leaving me until you are gone.

***

Dear Mr. Johnson (aka the guy who hangs out it my house),

GET THE FUCK OUT.

Sincerely,

King Whiskers

P.S. Buy me more tuna.

No comments:

Post a Comment