Tuesday, May 19, 2009

The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

When dissected and analyzed, all men will fall into one of these two categories. Some of their traits will overlap; some will share qualities of both. But, ultimately a man is one or the other...the question is which one are you?

The Superman
The “Superman” is the man who is a moral barometer. To him the world is in black and white...there is no gray. The "Superman” is very protective and is not braggadocios. He is they type of guy that girls end up marrying. He is the knight in shining armor, the prince every girl has dreamed of. He's the man that will fly you through the atmosphere with a kiss, and will catch you when you fall. He is the hero...the boy scout...the man every girl can count on.


Loyalty- When the “Superman” type of guy tells you that there is no one else but you he usually means it. He’s not the type of guy that is going to go behind your back. The “Superman” will go to the ends of the earth to make you happy, and will work hard to provide for you in a way that will make you comfortable. The “Superman” has a very “old school” out look on life, where he is the man of the house, and must provide for it and protect it. If you have the heart of a “Superman” you’ll have it forever.

Humility- Look at the relationship between Superman and Lois Lane; here you have a man who could have any woman he wants, but chooses Lois simply because he feels that HE is the one who is lucky to have her, and not the other way around. Humility is very important to the “Superman” type because he realizes that the world does not revolve around him. This does not mean that the “Superman” is not prone to bouts of egotism and self riotousness, but it does mean that he is easy to pull out of these dispositions.

Chivalry- The "Superman" is the kind of guy that will lay his jacket on the ground to keep a girl from stepping in the mud. He is virtuous, honorable, and generally courteous to all women. You know that guy that always opens the car door for girls, even when they don’t ask or expect him to? That’s a trait of the “Superman”. Being chivalrous also contains virtues such as mercy, courage, valor, fairness, and protection of the weak and the poor. This also brings with it the idea of being willing to give one’s life for another’s; whether he would be giving his life for his greatest enemy or the woman he loves. Sounds a lot like a certain red caped man of steel, doesn’t it?

Sensitivity- If you’re hurting then he is hurting. The “Superman” will empathize with every little pain you are going through. Whether you’re the woman he loves, or his best buddy, the “Superman” will help burden your pain. He will also be open and candid with you about HIS feelings. Ladies, if it doesn’t take much for you to get your guy to tell you how he’s feeling then you probably have a native son of the planet Krypton on your hands. The good news is, with a “Superman” you are always going to be his top priority…



…The bad news is, with a “Superman” you are always going to be his top priority. This is a double edged sword, because while it’s a good thing to be sensitive to others and their needs, it’s a bad thing to be overly sensitive. There is nothing worse than a guy who is always talking about his problems, is overly clingy, and is constantly in need of affection. This is also known as an “Emo Complex”. Some will argue that Batman is a better example of being emo, but the evidence clearly points to the Man of Tomorrow. Need proof? Watch Superman Returns and try to tell me he wasn’t two steps away from picking up a guitar and writing break up songs about Lois. These types of guys are also likely to cry before the woman is in an argument, especially if he feels the relationship is in danger. Tears are a “Superman’s” favorite tool, and can often lead to the woman feeling like she has the bigger pair in the relationship.


Can you pretty much get your guy to do whatever you want just by being mad at him? Does he do whatever he can to avoid arguments with you, admitting he's wrong even when he is clearly right? Does he tell you what you want to hear as apposed to what you need to hear? That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Super-passive-Man. The “Superman” doesn’t care how a problem is solved, he just wants things to be okay between the two of you. For you ladies who like to have a guy you can walk all over, this is the guy for you. The "Superman" will avoid confrontation unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then he'll act like kind of a pussy.

The biggest problem with a passive guy is that not only will he not stick up for himself, he will let you get away with anything, even if it brings you harm. So he might be a knight who barrels in to save you from a criminal trying to rob you of your womanhood, but he'll tuck his tail and run the first time you scold him for insinuating to know whats best for you.

Lack of Excitement

The idea of the "Superman" is woman find him safe and are secure with him. Safety and security are two very boring things. The "Superman" starts off exciting and fun, but that's because you're getting to know him. Eventually checking out his stamp collection and watching G rated movies every weekend tends to run its course, and you'll desire something a little more thrilling. It all has to do with the safety issue; "Superman" does not want to put you in harms way, and he is obsessed with making sure your every need is accounted for. Every need that is except for your need to get the hell out of the dull as hell rut you are in.

Once you get to know everything there is to know about you're "Superman" (and you will because of his "sensitivity" and "openness") consider yourself done. There will be no more excitement, no more thrills. Just you and him, sitting on the couch while he reads the paper, and you sit there pretending to sew, but are really wondering why the hell you've spent all these years with a man as exciting as Curling. If you want some excitement, try throwing yourself off the roof to see if the "Superman" will catch you. Spoiler alert: HE WON'T.

Homebody/Mama’s Boy

The "Superman" really does love his girlfriend/fiance/wife with all his heart...he just loves his mother a tiny bit more. The "Superman" still feels a strong, excessive connection with the woman who brought him into this world, and if you try to get between them than may the Lord pity you. You see, the "Superman" can put up with a lot from a woman. He'll take you yelling at him like a little boy in public, he'll let you take him shopping and pick out his cloths, and he'll let you remind him to do every simple task in his life, because those are things his mother always did for him. In all reality the "Superman" will not date a woman unless she can fill the "nurturing" role that his mother did his entire life. The "Superman" likes having his significant other treat him like a child because he still feels that attachment to his mother, but you will never be able to fill her void.

Also the "Superman" is the kind of guy who has the desire to settle down in his hometown, never really feeling a need to live anywhere else. This is fine if you want to stay close to home, but an adventurous woman is going to have serious issues with a guy that can't really commit to growing up. Oh, and don't say anything bad about his mother, or he'll bring down the wrath of Krypton on your ass.

The Batman

The “Batman” is the man who lives in the gray area of life. The "Batman" is confident and strong-willed. He is does not like playing games, and gets to the bottom of every situation with style and class. He is exciting, creative, spontaneous, outgoing, and he always keeps you on your toes. The Batman is the guy a girl will have a fling with one crazy weekend in Hawaii. The "Batman" is a mystery, even to himself, making him even more irresistible.


- The "Batman" isn't going to put up with your shit. If you do something he doesn't like he's going to let you know about it. With the "Batman" passiveness is not and option. If he thinks you're doing something stupid that could possibly cause you or someone else harm, he's going to try and put a stop to it. Do not confuse this with someone who is controlling. The "Batman" does not want to control you, but he wants you to have some sense. Also the "Batman" will take offensive when dealing with issues. If he is in an argument with someone, he won't back down until it is resolved. The phrase "never go to bed angry" must have been coined by a "Batman" type, because his determination will not allow for unresolved conflict to continue. His assertiveness transcends relationships. The "Batman" is assertive in every aspect of his life. If something needs to get done, you can be sure he'll do it. Reliability is something the "Batman" has in spades, and it's all thanks to an assertive personality.

Ready for Anything
- The "Batman" is a man who thinks ahead. He does not take care of problems as they come, he prepares for every eventuality with precision. The "Batman" is a foreword thinker, and that is good to have with someone you are planning your life with. You don't need to tell the "Batman" to do things, because chances are he's already thought of them and completed the task. His ability to look ahead also is an attribute when planning financially. The "Batman" is not the type to frivolously spend money. Every cent is accounted for when planning the most minuet task. Whether it be making a down payment on a house, or planning a weekend getaway to New York, the "Batman" will be financially, and mentally prepared for every eventuality.

-The "Batman" tries to make the best of every situation, and that takes dedication. If the two of you are having problems, the "Batman" will not turn tail and run away, he will try to work things out. And, if you are facing some huge problem and need support, the "Batman" is there by your side, ready to take whatever problem you have together. The "Batman" will show complete dedication to you, and everything you care about. If its something that really matters to you, than the "Batman" will see it through to the end.

Excitement-Mystery is exciting, and the "Batman" is as mysterious as they come. He has an air of curiosity that surrounds him making women want to discover what makes him tick. He does not reveal himself, it takes some digging, and that is part of the excitement. It's true that men love to chase women, but equally women love to discover who a man really is. The "Batman" is also a guy who always has something going on. Whether he's made a weekend trip to Las Vegas or is just having a bonfire party with some friends, the "Batman" has always planning his next event. The "Batman" doesn't like staying in one place for very long, and is always looking for some new adventure.


Bouts of Weirdness/Insanity

One reason the "Batman" might be so exciting is because he isn't completely right in the head. I'm not insinuating that this type is completely bonkers, they just see the world a little differently than most people do. The "Batman" is a collector of many things, some that can be even considered obscure...like empty Pepsi cans, or flashlights. The "Batman" is also prone to spouting out random comments. For example;

Guy 1: Hey did you guys see Ted drop that pass?
Guy 2: Yeah, he's a real butter fingers!
"Batman": If I could travel through time, I'd punch Mark Twain right in the balls.
Guy 1 & 2: (silence)

Some "Batman" types will keep a journal, but be warned; if you read the "Batman's" journal, you are likely to get freaked out a bit. These are his private thoughts that he does not want to share with anyone. If the things he lets out of his mouth are considered "weird" than imagine what he doesn't say. Best to just put the journal down, and go watch Hellraiser, which I can guarantee won't be nearly as creepy and disturbing.

Mommy/Daddy Issues

Unlike the "Superman" type the only feelings the "Batman" has for his parents is contempt. He does not hate them, but he is much happier living his life without their involvement. Most likely he holds some sort of resentment for them due to the way they raised him. The "Batman" tends to mimic his parents bad habits, despite his best attempts not to. This becomes and issue when the "Batman" becomes a father himself. It is not guaranteed that he will be a bad father, but he is likely to be the kind of dad a son grows up resenting. If his dad pushed him into sports, he will push his son into sports. If his dad was emotionally distant, he will be emotionally distant.

Also, the "Batman" does not like to talk about his childhood. Whether it be due to being abused as a child, or maybe mom just didn't hug him enough...the "Batman" will avoid all discussion about how things were for him as a child, which is a great lead in to my next point...

Lack of Communication

The "Batman" does not like to discuss how he feels about things. If he feels the need to discuss a feeling he has, he will come to you and discuss it with you. What he hates more than sharing his feelings is being ASKED to share his feelings. Sometimes it is due to a "macho man" complex, a belief that men are not supposed to discuss their emotions. Sometimes its just because he is introverted and needs to assess his feelings before discussing them. But, this becomes and issue for most women who LOVE to talk about their feelings, and want their man to do the same.

It is important for couples to talk about things. When couples don't talk about their feelings it creates distance, and can drive a wedge between even the strongest couple. A lack of communication can lead to a lot of problems, such as sexual frustration, petty arguments, infidelity, and even divorce. With the "Batman" a woman will have to constantly be fighting to get him to open up, and even if he does it will only be temporary.


(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing the picture above, just click on it to see a larger image.)

Remember when I said the "Batman" was reliable, and assertive? Those attributes exist because of obsession. The "Batman" cannot let anything go. Yes, he does follow through with things, and yes he does get them done, but at what cost? Everyone knows that guy who can't relax. He's always has some problem to solve, or some project to attend to. He makes more time for his hobbies than the people in his life.

The obsession can be almost anything. It could be fantasy football, or playing video games. Sometimes the obsession can be your relationship, and he is constantly trying to make repairs where none are necessary. The "Batman" will try to find problems that you two are having or could potentially have, simply because he cannot stop himself from trying to fix things. It is how he identifies himself, how he feels useful. The "Batman's" obsessions are his life, an they can lead to long term problems for a couple. Whether it be the woman feels like she isn't a priority (because she isn't) or because she feels like he's smothering her with his paranoia, it can drive any woman out of her mind. The only comfort is that it's not because of you, it's because he's a nut job with a screwy perception of life.

Most men are not going to fit into these roles perfectly. They are more likely to have traits from both types, making you think you have a "Super-Bat Man" on your hands. While it is true that you could have a dedicated, passive, chivalrous, and possibly insane man on your hands, ultimately either the "Superman" or the "Batman" personality type will be dominate. I hope I have provided some insight for the women of the world on what kind of man you are, and to the men I say this; whether you be a "Superman" or a "Batman" remember one thing...

It is never okay to wear your pajamas outside. I don't care how "cool" you think you look in a cape, it's not as manly as you think. Don't believe me?

I rest my case.


  1. "If I could travel through time, I'd punch Mark Twain right in the balls."

    This is brilliant. If I had a proper set of male genitals, I'd definitely be Batman.