Vampire Kids Suck Part 2

I was surprised to find that the “mall” they were talking about was nothing more than the local shopping center. And, the “court” they were talking about wasn’t a vampire sex lair at all; it was just the food court. Disappointed, but still eager to see some blood splatter, I entered the mall with a new found dedication to vigilante justice. I was excited at the prospect of jumping in after they made their kill and eliminating them Blade style. I took a seat at the far end of the court to keep a low profile, but still close enough to hear their conversation. I listened intently as I whittled a stake out of some chopsticks I got at PF Chang’s, and doused myself in the garlic I got from Olive Garden.

“We need to make a decision Vampier,” said Russell the fat vampire.

Vampire Kids Suck Part 1

Chapter 1

“I have a full house!” Kyle exclaimed, joyfully reaching for the chips.

I looked down at his cards and shook my head. “No you dip shit. That isn’t a full house. You don’t win.”

“Are you sure?” he asked with a stupid look on his face. “You told me a full house was 3 of a kind and two of a kind.”

“Yeah, but they all have to be the same card,” I lied. “Besides, my 2 pair would beat your full house anyway.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” said Wade who was sitting across the table from Berry and looking even more stupid, mostly because of his red hair.

John Madden Announces Retirement, Sports World Rejoices

John Madden’s last game as a football commentator was announcing a thrilling Super Bowl in which he had no interest in.

John Madden, one of the sports most decorated announcers and greatest coaches, announced his retirement on Thursday. With this announcement he officially ended a storied career that seemed to tailspin in the last decade. Yet it didn’t fit Madden’s style to think about his retirement that way.

“I love grinders,” he said when asked about his favorite part of the announcing job. “You just get all these free submarine sandwiches, these grinders, and go through them and when it’s all over, you think about it. That’s what I’ll miss the most…the sandwiches.”

My Plan to Get My Student Loans Paid

I, like most Americans, am in a tremendous amount of debt. My debt however is not due to frivolous spending or an addiction to online poker. My debt stems from the greatest racket in the history of all mankind…college loans. Sometimes I sit back and think about all the money I would have right now if I had not pursued that golden goose. Where would I be if I wasn’t paying off loans for a degree that I’m not even really using? Instead I wasted five years of my life and spent money I didn’t have. Now I’m stuck paying off massive amounts of cash to a company that is as heartless as Timothy McVeigh.

Why I Called A Six Year Old A Lesbian: A Dramatized Explanation

I love kids. I love them so much I spent three different summers of my adult life mentoring them as a camp counselor. Kids generally love me to, I have a very teddy bear like exterior which they find appealing. But, every once in a while I meet a child that is more vindictive than Chubs whipping out that alligators eye in Happy Gilmore. Here is the story of my experience with one of those children.

I "Read" Twilight: The Review

Before I get into this review I need to make two things clear:

1: This is not a review of the movie, it's a review of the first book in the series.

2: My opinion really doesn't matter.

Well to be more accurate my opinion doesn't really matter to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. When it comes down to making decisions, my opinion is the first one I seek out. It means a lot to me because I take time to think about my opinions, and I try to give everything an honest to God try. I think its important to learn about something before trying to pass judgement on it. For the most part people don't want your opinion if it doesn't already confirm their own. Nobody is really interested in debate; you either agree with them, or to hell with you. All too often people confuse taste with intelligence, and it ends up making us look uninformed and small minded. We take what we like and attribute that to what we believe is important to the world, and by doing this we severely limit ourselves in our experiences.

3 Reasons Why I Think Natalie Portman Would Be Into Me

As my loyal readers know, I have had a somewhat on again, off again relationship with Natalie Portman. All of my friends have maintained that Natalie Portman would never be into me, considering the fact that she can literally have any man she wants. My argument is that I’ve never heard anything to contradict my assumption, but clearly that is not enough proof for my nay saying friends. So here are three reasons I think I could win not only her heart, but her bank account pin number and house keys.