Prologue
A writer sits at his computer and types away at keys that correspond to certain letters of the alphabet. The letters individually mean very little, but when they are placed in a certain order with certain spacing they become so much more. The writer believes that this opening paragraph will lead to something profound and interesting that will entice the reader into continuing on this journey with him. He is incorrect of course, but it's nice to dream.
The writer leans back and looks at his work so far and nods. "That's probably good for today," he says as he closes the file on his original work that only has 1 paragraph completed. He opens up his blog that he hasn't updated in 10 years to write a parody of a movie no one asked him to write. The writer believes that this exercise will get his creative juices flowing so he can get back into the original piece he was working on and find the gumption to spend more than 5 minutes a day working on it. He's incorrect of course, but again, it's nice to dream.
Anyway, here's a parody of movie based on a book that has a gang-bang scene between 7 children. The writer of this parody decided pretty early on that he was going to avoid that whole can of worms entirely, so if you're here to read a parody of that moment then you're going to be pretty disappointed.
***
The Clown in the Drain
The rain was pouring down on the roof, making a sound not unlike rain falling on a roof. One could argue it sounded more like tiny rocks falling onto a shed, or even uncooked rice being poured onto a snare drum, but the reality is that it was rain because it was raining, and there isn't anything that sounds more like rain than rain. Inside, Georgie Edinboro watched as his brother Bill aka Big Bill aka the Stuttering Stud fold a boat out of paper to indicate the timeframe, and to also show that before cell phones were invented kids played with some really boring shit.
"Hurry up with my boat Bill" said Georgie as he fiddled with the strap on his lame little rain hat.
"Sh-sh-sh-shut up, turd breath," stuttered Bill, the stutterer. "I'm doing my b-b-b-best, I'm not feeling well."
"You'd probably feel better if you got a full nights sleep instead of drawing pictures of boobs in your notebook," said Georgie as he pulled his rain coat drawstrings tightly and tied them into a dorky little bowtie.
"Better than drawing we-we-we-we-" Bill stopped stuttering. He finally got a good look at his little brother, head to toe in slick rain gear. His hat and jacket were a bright yellow, and perfectly matched his dapper rain boots that their mom had bought Georgie that very afternoon at his insistence. The hat was bent in a way that it didn't cover Georgie's face at all, so Bill could see the giant smile plastered over his little brother's face. Georgie was so proud of his outfit. He looked ridiculous.
"Better than drawing big hulking wieners, you little jerk," said Bill, finally spitting it out.
Georgie rolled his eyes. He was used to his brother's stuttering as well as his insults, but what really irked him was when Bill stuttered his insults. What should have been simple brotherly loathing was turned into a chore by trying to decipher Bill's stalled sentences. Frankly, it was a bit of a chore.
"You sound like a record player on a train," said Georgie, cutting right to his brother's main insecurities; his stutter and his fear of train-based stuttering insults. "Can you finish my boat now? I want to show of my new stylish rain gear and I'm not going to do that hanging out with your sick ass all day."
"Sh-sh-shut up, a-a-a-anus..." Bill stuttered as Georgie rolled his eyes impatiently, "...anus breath! We need to s-s-s-seal it first. Go get the w-w-w-wax from the b-b-b-b-basement so I can..."
"The basement?" Georgie exclaimed, placing his hands on his cheeks mimicking a child star in a Christmas movie about being in his house unsupervised. The look Bill shot his brother at that moment could only be described as disgust.
"Just g-g-g-go g-g-get it you little sh-sh-sh-sh-" as Bill stuttered out his insult he realized Georgie was already out of the room and halfway down the stairs. Bill hated his stuttering, almost as much as he hated his little brother. As he awaited Georgie's return, he glanced over at the notebook sitting on his desk. He flipped through it and took count of all the drawings of boobs in it. Maybe Georgie had a point.
As this was happening, Georgie stood frozen in fear at the top of the basement stairs. He could see the container of wax at the bottom, right next to the giant water puddle, the frayed sparking wires, and the revving chainsaw. But those things aren't what filled Georgie with fright. No, it was the small spider spinning it's web directly in front of him. The spider however was busy and didn't have time to worry about some dumb kid's need to get some wax. In fact, he was really hoping Georgie would stop staring at him soon because he was making the spider anxious. Unbeknownst to Georgie the spider already had a diagnosed anxiety issue and needed to get his prescriptions refilled, so he really didn't need this shit on his plate today.
Georgie took a big gulp of air, pulled on the little strings dangling from his rain hat for courage, and darted quickly past the spider. He then jumped over the broken step covered in slippery grease, ducked under the hanging beam with a nail sticking out of it, and dodged the rabid raccoon as it grasped for his young throat.
"That raccoon is getting annoying," Georgie said to no one in particular. He quickly grabbed the wax as he made his way out the cellar door on the other side of the basement, which was open the whole time and would have been a much easier mode of entry despite having to go outside to access it. But, that would have been easy, and Georgie always had to do things the difficult way. Not because he saw it as an opportunity to challenge himself and better his own circumstances by overcoming obstacles. No, no, it was much simpler than that. He was stupid, you see.
"T-t-t-took you l-l-l-long enough," stuttered Bill as Georgie nonchalantly tossed him the can of wax. The can spun in the air before it hit Bill right in the face. The can then bounced once before landing right side up on the desk in front of him. His face hurt like hell.
"Hurry up!" Georgie exclaimed as Bill hurriedly sealed the boat with the wax. "By the time you're finished it will be snowing!" Georgie made a smug face, displaying the pride he had in his lame joke. Bill scowled, took the sharpie lying on his desk, and wrote "SS Dipshit" on the side of the boat. Georgie furrowed his eyebrows at the sight; he was not pleased. Georgie reached for boat but Bill pulled it away at the last second.
"Aren't you g-g-g-gonna say th-th-th-thank you?" said Bill. Georgie took a deep sigh, and looked his brother in the eyes.
"Fuck you Bill, give me my boat," Georgie said as he punched his brother lovingly in the chest. He grabbed the boat as Bill doubled over in pain, then zipped out of the room while screaming "Biiiiiiiitch" as he ran down the stairs, middle fingers dancing in the air. Bill grabbed his bruised ego which was located in the general chest area, closed his eyes, and quietly made a wish...
"I hope that asshole gets eaten by a clown."
***
The SS Dipshit raced down the street, caught up in the heavy stream caused by the pounding rain. Georgie happily skipped behind it, singing "I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen" loudly, even though that was the only line from the song that he knew. In his bright yellow rain slicker with matching boots, Georgie looked like quite the dandy. He raced past Old Man McGruger, who shook his head as Georgie ducked under one road barricade only to emerge and run face first into the second one. SS Dipshit indeed.
As Georgie recovered from his new head injury, the SS Dipshit rounded the corner and dropped into the only open storm drain in the entire city of Derry. This happened because Georgie was a class A doofus who couldn't be bothered to plan ahead and keep his dumb little boat from going into the sewer. Georgie peered into the dark drain, looking for any sign of his boat.
Suddenly, two yellow eyes, as yellow as Georgie's yellow slicker and boot combo, appeared in the dark. Georgie screamed, but not a normal scream. This was the kind of scream that was really overdramatic. The kind that made you want to find the source of the scream so you could punch it into stopping. Georgie had a very annoying scream, is what I'm getting at.
"Hey, knock it off," said the yellow eyes. Georgie looked back at the source of the voice. The owner of the eyes and the voice leaned forward, revealing a white face and red nose. Above the yellow eyes sat a mat of swirling red hair and forehead the size of a drive-in movie theater screen. Georgie looked at the red hair, then the red nose, then the white face, and then back again at the red hair. It took him a long time to put it all together. It was so long in fact that the silence was growing awkward, and the clown looked like he was getting frustrated.
"Hey," Georgie said, finally. "You're a clown."
"Yeah, I am," replied the clown.
"Got a name, do ya?" asked Georgie.
"My name is Pennywise," said the clown.
"What, like the punk rock band?" asked Georgie, who shouldn't have any idea of that band's existence.
"No, they took their name from me," said the clown. "I was here first."
"So your name is Pennywise the Clown?" Georgie said, stupidly.
"Yeah," said Pennywise as he adjusted his comically large collar. He was wearing a silver onesie with a large victorian style collar the completely covered his neck. The red puff balls on his outfit were fuzzy and sharp, and his makeup was expertly applied. Despite how odd he appeared, he looked quite nice for a clown hanging out in a dark sewer drain.
"Why are you dressed like you're doing Shakespeare in the park?" asked Georgie.
"Why are you dressed like a banana?" shot back Pennywise, clearly annoyed.
"M-my mom picked this out for me," said Georgie, obviously lying.
"Whatever. Is this yours?" asked Pennywise as he held up the SS Dipshit.
"My boat! You found my boat!" exclaimed Georgie as he clasped his hands together in glee. Pennywise winced at this, as if he was uncomfortable with Georgie's childish joy.
"So you're the captain of this ship huh? Do you want it back?" asked Pennywise. Georgie started to reach in, but recoiled. His parents had warned him about strangers, and Georgie was ready to combat any and all dangers.
"Are you a pedophile?" asked Georgie.
"Uh, no," said Pennywise.
"Super promise you're not a pedophile?" Georgie said, crossing his arms.
"Yeah, I super promise I'm not a pedophile," said Pennywise, who was getting really impatient at this point.
"Double super promise you're not a pedophile?" asked Georgie, who made one of those faces that kids think are cute but it just makes you want to kick them.
"Kid I've got places to be, do you want the boat or not?" asked the clown.
Georgie, bent down and slowly reached into the drain. He could smell the stale popcorn and malt liquor on Pennywise's breath. As his fingers grazed the boat he recoiled, stood up, and shot Pennywise a scowl.
"Are you going to rip my arm off and drag my body into the sewer?" asked Georgie.
Pennywise paused, really considering what Georgie had asked. After a long time he looked up at the boy and said, "I dunno, maybe."
Georgie weighed his options. If he reached into the drain there was probably a 50% chance the clown was going to rip his arm off. If he went home without the boat, there was a 100% chance Bill was going to kick his ass. Erring on the side of caution, Georgie decided the clown probably wasn't going to rip his arm off and drag his body into the sewer.
So Georgie reached into the drain, and the clown did just that.
Coming soon, if I feel like it: Part 2
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