This past winter I decided to go hiking in the woods, and found an old diary. I thought the contents of it were quite strange, and I wanted to share them with you today.
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March 18, 2007
Hibernation over. Very hungry. Looking over at female I spent winter with. She looked better in the fall. Feeling a little sick. Need to find way out without waking her. Finished rest of food, pooped on floor, went outside. Sniff air, smells of pine. I hate pine.
March 25, 2007
Saw man trying to catch fish. Man smelled like farts and cheese. He uses stick with string. String has food on end of it. I bite food. Man get scared and run away. I take stick and try using it. Stick break. Chase man for fun. He hide in tree. Poop near tree. That show him. Will go back for man when dark.
Finally caught salmon. Taste like fish. I hate fish.
March 26, 2007
Went back to tree to find man last night. He gone. Left trail of pee pee that smelled good. Decided to follow it. Lead back to camp where there was fire and tent. No man in sight. Smelled food so I ate it. Lots of meat. Pooped on fire. Laughed for long time.
Dug around man's tent. Found clothes. Put on hat and shirt. Saw deer and rabbits around eating from man's camp. Said "Look at me, I human, I human, fart fart fart" and they laugh. Smelled man coming, put clothes on fire poop. Ate last of meat before I left. Heard him crying from cave. Slept well.
July 9, 2007
Summer is hot. Spend lots of time in water fishing. Still hate fish. Found honey comb other day, but there too many bees. Fucking hate bees. Get bored easily. Found copy of book near cabin called "Catcher in the Rye." What a slog. Annoying to read. We get it, puberty a bitch.
Found something called Bear Scouts today making crafts in woods. They bad at being bears. Don't use paws to catch fish, don't sleep in cave, don't eat own young. They wear dumb clothes. Scared them away and pooped on their crafts. Went back to honey comb to get snack. Forgot about bees. Got stung a lot. Pooped on comb and went back to cave. Today suck ass.
August 29, 2007
Smelled man again, this time not alone. Had bigger man with him that smelled like cooked meat and fire. They were fishing with sticks, bigger man had lots of fish, cheesy farts had none. Decided to take from bigger man's pile of fish, asshole yelled at me. I started at him and he put hands above head and suddenly he was SO TALL and I FREAKED OUT because fuck magic I don't mess with Magic Man fuck him and his smelly fish and I ran.
When it got dark found their camp. Magic Man was asleep. Smaller man woke up, but too scared to do anything. I took fish and threw on fire then pooped on fire, then ran away before Magic Man woke up. Smaller man cried again, Magic Man yelled. Funny.
September 2, 2007
Female come back with cub. Said I owe her child support. Ate cub. Problem solved.
September 4, 2007
Cub did not agree with stomach. Feeling remorse. Also pooping a lot. Need new cave. Too much poop. Why so much poop? Finally understand "Catcher in the Rye." Life is poop. We eat young before they can eat us. Vicious cycle of violence. Female wants to have another cub. Told her no chance in hell. Not going through this again. Pain in head and stomach too much to bear.
Just realized made unintentional pun. I very funny. No. I beary funny.
Anyway, not having another cub. Told her to shut up about it.
September 5, 2007
Having another cub. Hope this one taste better.
October 24, 2007
Smelled cheese man again today. He had Magic Man with him and more men. They had big fire sticks that make loud boom boom sound. I'm joking, I know what guns are. Tracked me to my cave, but I wasn't there. Killed female and skinned her. That solves that problem.
Found their camp to wait for them. When they arrive the see me waiting for them patiently. Magic Man approach with gun but he step in wrong spot. Set off trap. Magic Man fell down a hole and broke his bones. Rest of the men scared and tried to fire guns.
Their guns misfire. Jammed with poop.
Bear poop.
I plan for this.
Do you hear me you dumb motherfuckers?! I PLANNED for this. I smarter than average bear, but I don't give a shit about picnic baskets. I want blood. I want your blood.
Come back to my woods, I will show you what blood look like.
Blood and poop.
See you soon.
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