I don't know if you've noticed, but Avengers: Endgame is out and is making all of the money. It's also being aggressively slurped by everyone I know, and such slavish praise must be met with some aggressive criticism to balance it out.
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| Oh, that's what that means. |
I await your scorn.
22. The Incredible Hulk
The Incredible Hulk is often thought of as Marvel's forgotten son, and for good reason. There are a lot of people out there that are Incredible Hulk apologists, but I say those people either A) Haven't seen it, or B) Haven't seen it in so long it's now cool to say "Uh, it's not that bad, it's actually a hidden gem." Fuck those people. And if you're one of them, fuck you specifically.
The Incredible Hulk is the only Phase 1 Marvel film that didn't become a franchise, so that should tell you something. Many people will blame the fact that Universal owns the distributing rights to any and all Hulk movies as the reason more Hulk films haven't been made, and there may be some truth to that. But, what they often don't mention is that the movie itself blows ass. It's a boring slog of a film that tries so desperately to checkmark all the right boxes that it ends up missing them completely. The cast is uninspired (save for William Hurt's Thunderbolt Ross) and Edward Norton is surprisingly not the guy to garner any kind of sympathy for struggling to control a difficult to deal with rage monster.
On a plane I once had the choice of watching The Incredible Hulk, or the flight attendant pass out beverages. I chose to aggressively watch the passing of peanuts and drinks for 20 minutes, then sat quietly and stared at all the people going in and out of the bathroom until we were ready to land. I feel like I made the right choice.
21. Iron Man 2
Jesus Christ, with this movie.
I don't even know where to start. When I watched Iron Man 2 I felt embarrassed for everyone involved, including myself. It's a shame because the cast tried really hard, but there was nothing they could do; sometimes a turd is just a turd, no matter how much CGI you use to make it dance. Sam Rockwell -- one of my favorite actors in any medium -- makes me cringe when he shows up as Justin Hammer, who is basically the RC Cola to Tony Stark's Coke. Actually, he's not even RC; he's grocery store brand. You know the one that's just a bland can that says "Soda" on it? That's Justin Hammer. Oh, and Mickey Rourke is an angry Russian (because of "reasons") who has an affinity for expensive birds, and he tries to kill you with electrical whips. Awesome.
This is the type of movie you convince yourself is good because you want it to be so badly. Then you see better movies and realize that you've wasted a lot of time and energy defending such a boring, poorly made, full diaper of a flick. In summary, Iron Man 2 is very, very, very bad.
20. Thor: The Dark World
If you wanna talk about phoning it in, Natalie Portman might as well have been a living, breathing dial tone. I've never seen an actor less interested in taking part in a film they were being paid millions of dollars to appear in. That said, it's hard to blame her for not giving it her all because Thor: The Dark World is so painfully dull it's hard to care about anything that happens. Out of all the MCU films this one is probably the most disappointing because the cast is fucking stacked. You've got a handsome undercover comedic genius in Hemsworth, a fantastic character actor in Tom Hiddleston (who is mopping the floor with everyone else whenever Loki is on screen), and two Oscar winning heavyweights in Portman and Anthony "Hannibal f'ng Lector" Hopkins. That's without even mentioning Idris Elba, Rene Russo, Christopher Eccleston, and Stellen Skarsgård. Lord have mercy.
The perfect word to surmise this film is "wasted." Everything about it. Wasted potential, wasted actors, wasted story. What a let down.
19. Captain Marvel
Before we move on it needs to be stated that there is no bigger jump in quality between films than here. Captain Marvel isn't a bad flick. Brie Larson is very good as Carol Danvers, and when she's kicking ass it's so righteous and earned. I don't even care about the fact that they changed the gender/origins of Mar-Vell for the movie because comic books are stupid melodrama and should be different when you're trying to tell a certain kind of story.
The problem with this movie is that for a good portion of the 1st and 2nd acts, it's boring. Not unforgivably boring mind you, but just dull enough where I started checking my phone and didn't even mind if I missed out on plot elements (I didn't mind you, because the majority of Marvel movies are so paint-by-numbers I could fill in plot beats in my sleep). I think if Captain Marvel had come out in the first phase of MCU movies it would be regarded more fondly, but a lot of this movie made me think "been there, done that" and that's kind of a problem. I don't ask a lot from Marvel. "Don't bore me" is a pretty low bar for a super-hero movie. Captain Marvel succeeded in creating female representation in their films, but it failed to live up to all of it's potential. Maybe the sequels will be better.
18. Doctor Strange
Captain Marvel and Doctor Strange would better be categorized as 18.a and 18.b, because they both have the same strengths and problems. Where Doctor Strange gets the edge though is the baller visual effects that made me think I was rolling while I sat in the theater with a big gulp between my thighs. Seriously, if you had told me you put acid in my soda before the movie I would have said "Yeah, that explains it." What a friggin' ride. I've had mushroom trips that are less jarring than the mirror dimension scenes in Doctor Strange, and I once spent 4 hours laying on an inflatable turtle staring at the stars thinking about how infinite the universe is. That movie fucked with me.
With that aside, Cumberbatch's Doctor Strange isn't my favorite. He is clearly trying to be the magic equivalent of Tony Stark, which honestly doesn't do much for me. When Robert Downey Jr. is being sardonic it's charming. When Cumberbatch is doing the same thing it comes off as nasty and cynical. Just like in the comics, Doctor Strange works better as a supporting character instead of a lead. That way you can hide some of his less appealing characteristics. Plus, I've seen the "giant asshole becomes less of an asshole" story arc enough times at this point that I don't think a rehash with a less compelling character is necessary.
17. Avengers: Age of Ultron
The least interesting Avengers movie has earned it's title simply by being just that: Not that interesting. Don't get me wrong; it tries very hard, and it even pulls off some of the bigger swings it takes (James Spader as Ultron, and the introductions of the Maximoffs and Vision all worked very well), but when it misses it throws the bat into the dugout and kills the mascot (Thor in a future telling bathtub to set up other movies, lame dialogue, Coby Smolders doing anything).
What the movie does do very well is handle the core cast of characters. I'm not as keen on Joss Whedon as creative force as a lot of other people are, but he knows how to get out of his own way and let the characters have moments that make them feel like real people. The scenes at Hawkeye's farm are probably my favorite in the movie, because we actually get to see the Avengers struggle and relate to each other on a level that felt fresh, even if we have seen it before. That, and watching Captain America rip a log to shreds is just metal as hell.
For a film that shouldn't (and doesn't) work (for the most part) Ant-Man sure is fun. A large part of that can be attributed to the absolutely perfect casting of Paul Rudd as Scott Lang, an endlessly charming man who I would watch star in a movie about me getting my ass kicked for 3 hours. I'd smile while watching him knock my own teeth out.
That said, Ant-Man doesn't hit enough cylinders to really be anything other than fine. The villain Yellowjacket suffers from the same issues most MCU villains do (what is their motivation beyond the one-note "I'm evil for evil's sake" lapse in logic) and the movie has some severe pacing problems. It does have a lot of charm though, and charm will get you pretty far if not all the way.
15. Thor
Before we knew Chris Hemsworth was a talented comedic actor with god-given timing, he was shoe-horned into the traditional superhero archetype. In theory, nothing about this movie should work. It's a ridiculous premise set in a world that doesn't make sense with characters that lean so heavy into the Shakespearian dialect that it becomes nauseating. And yet, it does. It works pretty well. When Thor is on earth and the movie becomes a full on fish out of water tale, it really picks up. Plus Loki. Loki! This guy had a great story that was easy to identify with. A lot of us feel like the odd duck in a room full of swans, so Loki finding out he's an adopted Frost Giant and not an Asgardian is enough to make him question his entire existence.
Don't get me wrong, this movie has tons of problems; the explanation that magic is basically science is flimsy and doesn't make much sense, Kat Dennings is extremely unnecessary, and the track-laying for the rest of the MCU was so blatant the movie might as well have been called "You Need to See This to Understand The Avengers." But, despite all of it's flaws it's a fun introduction to a character that we will grow to love, and created a franchise that wouldn't really get good until the third movie.
14. Captain America: Civil War
A completely enjoyable, bloated mess. I understand the urge to utilize the universe you created to make every movie in your lineup feel like a big deal, but sometimes less is absolutely more. But, if you're going to go whole hog you might as well do it in style, and Civil War certainly gives it their all.
The real shame is that under all of the fan service there's a pretty decent story being told about the impact of loss. Bucky is a tortured soldier that just wants to be left alone to figure out his shit and the world won't let him. Cap wants to help his friend. Tony wants to make the world safer because he's suffering from alien-induced PTSD. And Zemo -- the villain of the film -- wants to destroy the Avengers because he blames them for the deaths of his wife and child. The movie covers some really heavy shit and it actually has something to say, but unfortunately it gets overshadowed by the brightly colored superhero punchathon.
13. Avengers: Endgame
God, I can feel people getting angry and I haven't even hit the "publish" button yet.
Look, I don't dislike fan service. When done well, it fucking rules. From Professor Hulk to Cap wielding Mjolnir to that insanely epic 11th hour save from the entire MCU hero stable leading to Steve Rogers finally uttering the lines "Avengers Assemble." All of those moments are insanely satisfying and good. What I don't enjoy is when fan service is done at the expense of the narrative.
All time travel stories are weird and stupid. They make fun of that very fact in this movie to great effect. So in order to make time travel work for their story in a way that's unique, they establish rules. I'm not going to go too far into the weeds on this because I don't want to get too spoilery with this post, but in summation here is what you need to know: The movie makes rules about time travel, and then effectively breaks them at the end so they can have a cute passing of the torch moment. If you think about it for more than a second it breaks the movie. It's bad writing, bad fan service, and is 100% everything I hate about comic books rolled into one melodramatic moment. My opinion on this matter has already garnered me scorn and ridicule by people telling me "It's a comic book movie, stop thinking about it so much! Why do you even care?" Here's why I care dipshit. If Marvel isn't willing to take their own world seriously, why should I have to? Fuck me.
If fan service is all you're looking for, then this is probably your favorite movie in the world. More power to you. The rest of the movie is very good, and they really hit you in the feels with one character's requiem and the hole he left behind (also that "cheeseburgers" bit made me want to crawl into a ball and die it was so touching). If you care about story and things making sense, then welcome my friend. The gallows are lonely, but our opinion will be validated in years to come when the shine has worn off and everyone is wondering how/why that dude's old ass was on that bench. Light my cigarette and cover my eyes, I'm ready for Valhalla.
12. Avengers: Infinity War
Thanos fucking rules. I feel like I'm going to be arguing on behalf of this superiority of Infinity War to Endgame for the rest of my life. Yes, it's bloated. Yes, it's hard to follow. Yes, it ends on a downer. But, at the end of the day, this movie did something I didn't think was possible; it accomplished it's goal of setting up a big finale film that was satisfying (for the most part) and it made Thanos a real, fully fleshed out character.
Before Infinity War Thanos was just this looming, goofy looking presence. He was Grimace with armor. He didn't even look like a threat. Then he rolled the Hulk in the first 5 minutes of Infinity War, and suddenly he wasn't a goober anymore. He was a conqueror who was here to kick ass and collect jewelry, and brother, he got ALL the jewelry.
A lot of the success has to do with Josh Brolin's performance. Yes it's fun to watch the Avengers team up with the rest of the MCU, but this was Thanos's story, and Brolin's skills as an actor really made me empathize with this Mr. Munch looking motherfucker's point of view. Don't get me wrong, he's a lunatic for sure. No matter how good his intentions are, he pretty much lost the moral high ground the second he decided to use the all powerful MacGuffin to murder half the universe instead of doubling the resources. What's important though is that the movie made me consider his point of view and form my own opinion, which is something that a lot of Marvel movies lack.
11. Ant-Man and the Wasp
Did I really put Ant-Man and the Wasp ahead of Infinity War AND Endgame? Yeah I did, because Ant-Man and the Wasp didn't take an hour to get to the point, and it didn't leave me feeling depressed and angry. A lot of these MCU films are large in scale; everything is a world/universe threatening event, the stakes are huge, millions of lives are on the line. Not this time. Ant-Man and the Wasp is just a fun little movie that's frankly a breath of fresh air. It's nice to know that not every Marvel film needs to have huge world-ending stakes.
Ant-Man and the Wasp is everything good about it's predecessor, but better. Paul Rudd's endless charm drives the film, and Evangeline Lilly really gets a chance to shine as his no-nonsense partner in crime. She kicks more ass than Rudd for sure, and she's a great straight man. I also love when a super-hero movie is self-aware enough to knows how silly it is. They play with the physics of shrinking and growing in more enjoyable ways in this sequel, and they never get too far up their own ass with the more heavy-handed stuff. I really don't have much else to say about Ant-Man and the Wasp other than I really enjoyed the break it provided from the rest of the MCU's high-stakes bravado so they could tell a funny heist story.
10. Spider-Man: Homecoming
If I was ranking Spider-Man movies, this would be #1. And yeah, I think it's even better than Into the Spider-Verse, don't @ me.
We've seen Peter Parker before, but never in this context. I'll forever praise this movie for skipping the origin story and just giving me what I want; a teenage Spider-Man trying to juggle the life of a superhero with his high school responsibilities. Too many times the Spider-Man films indulge the urge to make Peter Parker more serious than he needs to be. This flick made him fun again (and funny, finally) and I found myself just smiling throughout the experience. When it was over I walked out of the theater I was in and walked directly into an adjacent theater that was right around the halfway mark, sat down, and watched it again until the end. What can I say? It's a fun way to kill an afternoon.
9. Iron Man 3
What if a superhero had PTSD? That's the question Iron Man 3 dared to ask. I'm usually in the minority here, but I think Shane Black (who replaced Jon Favreau in the directors chair) did some compelling work with this film, and he took some interesting risks. The movie was constantly subverting expectations. Movie franchise about a dude that controls super weaponized armor? Take it away from him. Think the bad guy is a horrific and terrifying terrorist? Surprise! He's a non-threatening actor addicted to narcotics. Think Pepper Potts is the damsel in distress? Watch out, she will fuck you up. All the while Tony is having panic attacks because he almost died battling aliens and a literal god, and he spends the whole movie trying to get his shit together enough to save the day. Great stuff.
8. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 doesn't have the same charm that the first Guardians movie did, but it more than makes up for it with character development and a genuinely moving final act. The first Guardians movie was about finding a family in the most unlikely places. The sequel asks the question "Okay, so you've found your tribe. Now what?" If you'll allow me to change-up the allegories for a second, consider the first Guardians movie is about finding and falling in love. Vol. 2 takes place in the part of a relationship just after the honeymoon phase where it starts to get messy, awkward, and vulnerable.
Vol. 2 isn't the smoothest ride in the MCU but it's certainly one of the most endearing, and it has a payoff with Quill's personal journey to find his father (played expertly by old pro Kurt Russell). It takes a while to get there, but eventually Peter realizes that his dad is a dick, and that Yondu -- the space pirate who kidnapped and raised/tortured him with threats of eating him ("That was being funny!") -- was the father he never realized he had. Every Guardian has a similar arc; Gamora and Nebula coming to terms with their relationship, Rocket struggles to adjust from the life of a loner into that of a family man, and Drax finds a surrogate daughter in Mantis to replace the one he lost. It's a surprisingly touching film that displays the emotional range of a CGI raccoon in ways you didn't realize were possible. It's a sweet movie about fathers and sons, sisters and daughters, and trees and trash pandas.
7. The Avengers
Whereas Endgame might be the most emotional and Infinity War might be the most important, the first Avengers movie is unquestionably the most fun. Joss Whedon gets a lot of slavish praise from fanboys and fangirls that I normally don't think is deserved. There's a lot of cheese thinly spread all over his scripts, and The Avengers is no exception. For every clever line of dialogue (which Whedon is really good at) there's a lot of dumb melodrama that negates it (throwing the bloody cards on the table was so transparent it made my brother literally laugh out loud in a packed theater). The movie tries to be cooler than it is and fails more than it succeeds, but honestly that's what makes it work.
Comic books by nature are hokey and over-dramatic. Sure they're colorful and fun, but if you flip through any copy of an X-Men comic you'll notice that it's like reading a bad soap opera with people in costumes. It can be compelling, but you have to suffer through a lot of boring bullshit to get to the good stuff. Out of all the MCU movies The Avengers is the closest thing I've seen to a comic book come to life. It's kind of dumb, pretty dorky, and some of the dialogue and character moments makes you roll your eyes. But, then the Hulk smashes and he smashes so well, and suddenly all is forgiven. It's exactly like reading a comic book, faults and all. The Avengers is a love letter to the medium it was born from, and for that I can't help but be charmed by it.
6. Iron Man
My favorite thing about the first Iron Man movie was that it was Marvel saying "We're here, and we're not fucking around." It took a B-level super-hero property, a leading man that burned so many bridges in Hollywood that he was seen as a liability, and a director that specialized in Vince Vaughn comedies (woof) all while attempting to launch an entire universe from a studio that had never attempted to self-finance before. On paper it looked like it was going to be a disaster.
But, it worked. It worked very well. Robert Downey Jr.'s portrayal of Tony Stark was mesmerizing. The story was grounded and made sense, if the 2nd act kind of petered out. The cast was stacked and they delivered on all fronts. It's not the best MCU movie, but it's definitely the most important. It's a fun popcorn flick that launched an empire.
5. Guardians of the Galaxy
Guardians of the Galaxy isn't a perfect movie. It suffers from the classic Marvel villain problem (Lee Pace's Ronan the Accuser is one of the most forgettable in the MCU) there's not a ton of suspense, and the jokes don't always work. However the positives outweigh the negatives in every aspect due to the fact that it leaned into the film's biggest strength; the movie is just so goddamn weird.
Seriously, go back to 2008 and tell yourself that one of Marvel's most entertaining films would be about an orphan kid growing up to be a space outlaw who teams up with a serial killer, a musclebound goober with rage issues, a talking raccoon, and a anthropomorphic tree to save the universe. That sounds like a fever dream. But, it rules. It rules so hard.
Guardians of the Galaxy couldn't have worked without James Gunn at the helm. The dude lives and breaths oddball shit. He somehow managed to take a property that no one even considered would get a movie with a bunch of D-list characters from Marvel's stable, and he made them household names. I don't know if they have Oscars for pulling off miracles, but if so just give them all to James Gunn because holy shit. Guardians of the Galaxy is entertaining, silly, and surprisingly touching. Oh, and did I mention it's fucking weird? Because it is. Also, the soundtrack kicks major ass.
4. Captain America: The First Avenger
This film checks a lot of boxes for me. Underdog story: check. Period piece: check. Fun action sequences: check. Nazi punching: check, check, check. I don't know what it is about this movie that charms me the most. In a vacuum the story doesn't really sound interesting; a scrawny nerd gets ingested with super steroids and wins World War 2 by throwing a shield. That's a gross misrepresentation, but you get my point. But, the truth of it is that as far as origin stories go it's pretty captivating, and it hits that warm part of your brain that loves nostalgia for an era you didn't even live through.
I think when it comes down to it, Chris Evans' portrayal of Steve Rogers was so true and convincing that it tied the whole movie together. I was surprised when they casted Jake Wyler to portray America's favorite son, but the dude surprised me. He's earnest, sincere, and looks like a greek god. Not to mention the rest of the cast was perfect in their roles. Hayley Atwell is exceptionally good as Peggy Carter, Hugo Weaving already looks like a Nazi so he was ideal to throw some red paint on to portray the Red Skull, and Tommy Lee Jones is perfectly cast as a no-nonsense quippy Colonel. I could watch that grizzled old bastard chew the scenery all day.
If you want fun war movie dripping with nostalgia and wrapped in a super-hero bow, look no further than Captain America: The First Avenger.
3. Thor: Ragnarok
Who knew all it took to make Thor work on the big screen was to just lean into how stupid the whole thing is? Nothing about Thor makes sense. An alien who is also a god that has a magic flying hammer that only he can lift is part of a culture that is magical and wondrous but also, science somehow? It doesn't really hold up once you try and unpack it. Previous installments were dead set on taking the source material seriously, and the movies were all the weaker for it.
Enter Take Waititi, who basically said "fuck all that, let's make an action comedy and I'm going to play a rock monster who's kind of a nice dude." Ragnarok does away with all the dumb hangups Marvel had with magic and science basically being the same thing and just ran with the stupidity of it all. Hemsworth really gets to show off what an infuriatingly good comedic actor he is, it has the best parts of the Planet Hulk story converted into a Thor story, and Jeff Goldblum is in it and just owning every scene. I could go on and on, but instead just go watch the movie. And after that, watch this short about Goldblum's Grandmaster moving to earth to live with a dude named Darryl:
What a joy. We don't deserve Jeff Goldblum.
2. Captain America: The Winter Soldier
I couldn't believe this was a comic book movie. Seriously, try explaining the plot of this film to someone that has never read a comic book and they would probably say it sounds like a John Grisham novel. If you remove all of the comic book aspects out of The Winter Soldier it still works as an engaging spy thriller. It's one of the most enjoyable experiences I had in a theater that surprised me in ways that the movie didn't intend.
What I'm talking about is tone. The tone of the film, and how tense and suspenseful the entire thing feels. It's a breath of fresh air in the sea of Marvel films that rely on a particular formula to tell their stories. Most MCU movies are full of quips and jokes to help balance out the action and melodrama. Winter Soldier isn't without those moments, but they never feel forced and they certainly don't drive the film. The suspense of the movie keeps you engaged, and the Hydra twist was genuinely surprising and ballsy. Winter Soldier was the first movie in the MCU that had bigger ideas and had the gumption to chase after them. Plus, adding Robert Redford to the cast was a stroke of genius. What better way to make your superhero story feel like a political thriller than to add the guy that represented the genre? Well played, Marvel.
1. Black Panther
Marvel has a very specific formula that they follow with their films; I've heard it described as "the heroes journey with quips." It's not a bad formula, but it does become tiresome after 20 laps around the track. When I sat down to watch Black Panther I expected more of the same; a hero struggles to overcome adversity from an antagonist who is oftentimes evil for unspecified reasons, but ultimately prevails with a mix of gumption and strength obtained from some sort of self-discovery in the third act. From man of iron to man of spider, we've seen it played out over and over again to much success. Wash, rinse, repeat.
What I didn't expect from Black Panther, however, was to be asked to consider hard questions about morality. The film isn't just a movie about Marvel's first truly ethnically diverse superhero, it's a movie about black issues in today's climate. The hiring of Ryan Coogler to direct should have tipped me off. As director's go, Coogler cares more about issues such as power dynamics and racial inequality than most. The film tackles issues like tradition vs. change, freedom vs. bondage, and the consequences of duty when it's at the expense of family. There's a lot to unpack, and the movie is all the richer for it.
A lot of the praise goes to the cast, which is stellar. But, probably the runaway star of the film isn't the hero T'Challa played by Chadwick Boseman, but the villainous Killmonger played by Michael B. Jordan. Throughout the film Killmonger's overarching plan comes into fruition as well as his motivation. He believes that Wakanda -- an incredibly advanced culture that has secluded itself form the world due to xenophobia -- needs to do more to help marginalized black people around the world. Granted he'd rather send weapons around the world to start a revolution rather than aide, but that's what makes him the bad guy instead of the hero. But, he's a bad guy with a good point which makes him all the more fascinating. When the two of them finally come to blows in the 2nd act you can not only see what Killmonger's motivations are, but you can understand why. The movie has a ton of nuance that gave me several things to think about after the credits rolled. Hard questions that I wasn't prepared to even consider. It's insane.
I could go on about how much I enjoyed this movie, but I think you get the point. I usually don't ask a lot from Marvel movies; all I request is A) don't be boring and B) try to give me something to chew on beyond the action scenes. This movie didn't just give me a little taste of pathos, it hit me with a goddamn buffet. The other movies in the MCU are fun, but Black Panther raised the bar. Plain and simple.
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