Editor's Note: Kris Peraldo tragically passed away on August 9, 2011 at the age of 24. In honor of his memory, please enjoy these life tips he wrote for you all. For the sake of posterity I have not edited his article in any way. Please enjoy. Or don't. Do whatever you want, I'm not your boss.
RIP Kris.
There comes a time in every man/boy's life where he starts to notice the opposite sex for more than the fact that they're dynamite cookies thieves. Now, some children may not be afforded the same excellent advice you received as a wee lad, so today you're going to get the Top 10 Things Growing Boys Need to Know About Women.
10. No matter what you do, you are going to be wrong. It's a tough world to live in, but they do, in-fact, beat out the Jews for running the world, and they know it. The best thing you can do is keep your head down and hope for the best. Maybe get a helmet for safety.
9. Women have a tendency to remember the small things. If you dropped a piece of paper on the floor by accident because it fell out of your pocket, you will get to hear allllllllll about it in approximately 3 months. They don't mean anything by it, as it's just natural, but be sure to keep you PIN out of sight, or they WILL learn it by instinct.
8. They're beautiful, but dangerous. Like all creatures in the wild, human women are hauntingly appealing to men. You will inevitably do something dumb to try and attract that love interest, and your friends will laugh at you. Remember that even though your friends laugh, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Just don't let that be wearing lady's undergarments. No matter how hawt she'd think it is.
7. Your words, no matter the context, are always under scrutiny. There is never anything you can say that won't be brought into question inside their head. Again, a natural part of the living process for them, but it does cause tricky situations. Never say too little or too much because they are obviously the suspicious choices. Also, never say just the right amount. It's also quite suspicious.
6. Romance is very important. There are some boys out there that would believe that girls are made for sex, and while some are only made for sex, the general rule is to not believe that. Think about things that would make her happy and then make them masculine enough to be endearing. Otherwise you'll never get to sex with a girl that isn't skeezy. REMEMBER WHAT'S AT STAKE.
5. The more money that you're willing to spend, the better. This won't always be the case, but it can be from time to time, and it will be up to you then to decide if it's worth it. Keep in mind that if you set the bar too high early on, you'll always be expected to spend that much for her. This game of Limbo has no winners, so tread cautiously.
4. Never ever ever ever forget special days, birthdays or other random holidays. This veritable minefield is tricky, because it needs a keen sense of both memory and vigilence. A tip to try and avoid the scourn of your lady, get a calendar and mark down important things immediately... for every room in your house. Wall sized. And a giant permanent marker to mark off each day. If you do not, you will lose.
3. Know when to let one go. This is actually the toughest to master, because as a guy you're either going to really like a girl that isn't right for you, or really like having sex with her. Both factors cause you to lose your most important asset, your brain. If she's the devil, but you like her when she's being civil to you? Get out while you can. If she is a crazy person that light things on fire, but you really like having sex with her and she doesn't threathen to harm you or your manhood? Well... judgment calls were invented for a reason.
2. Ladies like mystery. This is key to getting that girl you've had your eye on. You can, of course, talk to a girl and be friends with her like you would another guy, but don't expect that to lead you anywhere but where you are. To attract a woman in return, distance is a must. Don't tell them your life-story, don't get too involved in their life, and definitely do not be the first person to admit to having feelings. If you'd like to become a lapdog for this girl and never be free again, your friends will provide you with both a leash and a water bowl to keep you hydrated.
1. If a fight occurs, head down, and no talking. This is #1 for a reason. Fighting back and arguing will not fix anything except letting you sleep hours later after losing anyway. It's a tough position to be in, but you'll make it out if you read this and keep it in mind. No cussing at her, no insulting her, no angry movements that could be mistaken, no smart-ass comments, nothing. Doing any of those would actually be a perfect time for that helmet.
Now that you have this list, it's time to put on your big boy pants, and go out and try to score. Always remember the wisdom passed to you today, because in the future, your kids, or... more likely if you follow any of this, your nephews will need to be taught the same things in order to manage the world that is dating. Good luck!
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