Monday, March 30, 2009

A Recent Email From Michael Cera

Hey Johnson! It's me, Michael Cera, also known as your best friend forever (or BFF, whatever you prefer...I prefer BFF). I'm just sending you an email...again. You haven't gotten back to me yet on the other three, so I figured fourth time was a charm! Seriously though man, I've been really down lately. It's hard being out here in Hollywood pretending to be something I'm not. I've got being a douche covered, but where I'm really struggling is pretending I have talent.
I don't know if you've noticed, because you and I are super best friends, but I'm not really that good of an actor. I've pretty much been playing the same part since Arrested Development went off the air. I don't know why people keep casting me in movies. I guess when they wrote Juno, the description for Bleaker was, "kind of like George Michael from Arrested Development. In fact if we can get that kid to do it, that would be sweet". Seriously man, the only reason they let me do Superbad was because Seth Rogan thinks you're hilarious. By the way, remember when you told him to be cool to me? Well, he wasn't Johnson. He wasn't cool at all. Look what he and Jonah Hill did the only night they wanted to hang out with me.

I'm reasonably sure that Jonah ejaculated on me. I don't think you should ghost write anymore of their box office smash movies. Those guys are really just a bunch of meanie heads!

Anyway, did you watch Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist yet? I know you told me you had better things to do, but I sent you your copy of the DVD like 2 months ago and I still haven't heard what you thought. How busy can someone be you silly goose? Ha ha, just kidding. I know you're not a goose. But, please watch it soon and tell me what you think, ok best friend? I bet it's on the top of your to-do list!




Here's some behind the scenes gossip; I asked out Kat Dennings between scenes one day! Unfortunately she said no, but I remembered what you taught me about perseverance. I asked her why and she told me because I "looked too much like a sad dying seal", or whatever that means. She ignored me for the better part of 4 hours until I name dropped you (OMG sorry!). She said she loves your blog and asked for your phone number, but I told her I didn't have it. BTW when are you gonna give me your new number? I keep calling the other number you gave me, but I keep getting a Mexican restaurant. Guess someone likes Casa Dias!
Anyway, I'm really worried about my new movie, Year One. I guess when they wrote the script the character description was "the kid who played George Michael on Juno, only this time he's in the past". I'm worried it's not gonna do well. If I had any other friends I'd ask them what they think, but nobody responds to my emails (just like you! lol jk, jk). Jack Black keeps telling me that it'll be fine, he's been playing the same character for years and nobody seems to notice. He's really nice to me, unlike my on TV Dad Jason Bateman who calls me a dink and slaps me every time I see him. He reminds me a lot like you...in that he doesn't return phone calls and gets these pretend restraining orders! (I'm so kidding!)
Did you know there was a scene between his character and mine in Juno, but he made them rewrite it? He said it was because he had to work with me for 3 years and if he ever had to do a scene with me again he would burn down Fox Studios. I have to do all my scenes with him via blue screen and stand-ins for the Arrested Development movie. He can be a real party pooper!
Well I better wrap this up. Get back to me man, we need to hang soon. Like really soon. I'm not kidding, I'm really lonely. Please write me back this time.
The C-Man (I'm trying out a new nick name, what do you think?)

P.S. I know you like playing practical jokes, so please don't post this email on your blog. It would be really embarrassing to see it there.

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