Friday, August 14, 2009

"Vick"dication

I know I said I’d be back in September, but I wanted to post this entry before it no longer became relevant or topical. Yesterday Michael Vick was signed to a 2 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles and dog lovers everywhere lost their shit. I personally think it’s a good move on the Eagles part to sign a talented player, but apparently PETA and every lonely woman in the United States would rather Vick waste that talent by being banned from football for the rest of his life.

Now I’m not condoning what he did. Dog fighting is wrong and should be seen as such, but let’s put this in perspective, it’s not like he was selling heroin to babies or smothering retarded kids in their sleep. Sure he committed a heinous act, but is it really worse than a lot of other crimes that celebrities have been accused/convicted of?

Well here at the JohnsoNation, we are going to find out. I have comprised a list of celebrities that have been accused of, or convicted of different crimes. Let’s see if we can put this whole “Michael Vick” fiasco in the right perception. To help us weigh the severity of these crimes I have created a useful ratings system that is more than adequate at illustrating the severity of each offense. I call it the “Juice O’ Meter”. The worse the crime, the more O.J. Simpsons you get.

On a Juice O’ Meter scale, dog fighting fits pretty snugly in the 2 out of 5 O.J.’s range. But, because all of you stupid dog lovers who uphold that he deserves no less than 5 out of 5 O.J.’s, I’ve decided to meet you in the middle and give him a firm but fair 3 out of 5 O.J.’s. That is what we adults call a compromise; a decision that leaves nobody happy or satisfied. So now that we have Vick’s rating, lets move on to the rest of the criminal elite.

ShamWow! Guy Beats Up a Hooker

The Crime:
On February 7, 2009 ShamWow! owner and pitchman Vince Offer (real name Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami on a charge of battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute.

ShamWow he looks bad.

Offer contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go." Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the ShamWow! guy loves hookers more than Billy Mays loved a belly full of cocaine.


Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual.

The Verdict: If we punished every celebrity that has beaten up a hooker, than 75% of Hollywood and the starting lineup for every NBA team would be locked up.



1 out of 5 O.J.’s.



Kobe Bryant
“Rapes” a Woman

The Crime: Let’s forget for a second that every time a woman says “no” she really means “yes” and pretend that rape is real.

In the summer of 2003 Kobe Bryant was arrested in connection on the charge of sexual assault, a complaint filed by 19-year old hotel employee named Katelyn Faber. Faber accused Bryant of raping her in his hotel room. Bryant maintained it’s only rape if she didn’t like it, and she loved her some Kobe. After the news hit feminists around the world went ape shit and tried destroying Kobe’s career, labeling him as a rapist and sexist. The accusation tarnished Bryant's reputation, as the public's perception of Bryant plummeted and his numerous endorsement contracts were terminated.

In 2004 the case was thrown out when Faber refused to testify in court. But, since she had filed a civil suite against him before the criminal trial, Kobe still had to prove his innocence in front of a judge. In a display of his confidence that the whole ordeal would be ended in his favor, Kobe settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money.

The Verdict: Whether he did it or not, it’s hard to shake that whole “rapist” image. But, somehow Kobe Bryant has done just that, and has regained almost all of his sponsorships and his credibility as a role model. The fact that this whole ordeal was so easily forgotten leaves it open to say that he should get a low rating on the Juice O’ Meter. But, the reality that he hit this…

Katelyn Faber

At the risk of losing this…

Mrs. Kobe Bryant

Is the real crime.



2.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.




R Kelly: Can’t Spell Statutory Without “Child Pornography”

The Crime: On June 6, 2002, Kelly was indicted on 21 counts of having sexual intercourse with a minor following the release of a video tape in February 2002 that allegedly showed Kelly and a 14-year-old daughter of an associate engaging in sex. Between mopping his brow for sweat and nervously tugging at his shirt collar, R Kelly managed to deny being the man in the video. The parents of the alleged 14 year old denied that it was their daughter in the video while rolling their eyes and thumbing through large wads of cash.

When the case finally went to trial 6 years later, nobody really cared anymore about the sex tape. By that time the public was angrier with R Kelly over another video that he released…


The Verdict: Having sex with an underage girl, even if it is consensual, is not something to take lightly. Then again I know many guys who subscribe to the belief “If she looks 18 that’s good enough for me” mentality, so it would be obtuse to believe he would be the only guy guilty of the crime “thinking with your dick”.


3 out of 5 O.J.’s.




Donté Stallworth
Kills a Man

The Crime: On March 14, 2009, a legally drunk Donté Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian in Miami. Stallworth was headed toward the beach when he hit 59 year old Mario Reyes. Stallworth admitted to drinking the night prior to the accident, but got so blitzed he was still legally drunk at the time of the accident. Stallworth claims that he flashed his car's headlights to warn Reyes before striking him, believing this would be more appropriate than… you know… stopping.

How Donté Stallworth sees the world.

A Miami Beach police report said Reyes was not in a crosswalk on busy MacArthur Causeway when he was struck by Stallworth, who was driving about 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. Stallworth was charged with a DUI and second degree manslaughter, and was released on $200,000 bail. He pleaded guilty, and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation.

To put things into perspective, a football player will get 23 months in prison and three years probation for betting on a death match between Scooby Doo and Lassie, but only serve 30 days in jail for getting wasted and killing a Mexican with his car.

Only in America
.

The Verdict: Although the uppity assholes that treat their pets like their children will disagree, dogs are not human beings. Yes its easy to think of a pet like it’s a member of your family, but in the end it’s a dog. Even though it was accidental, Stallworth took the life of another human being. There are people that would argue that Latin Americans are not as cuddly or lovable as their dog, but my response is that they clearly have never met Jorge Garcia.




4.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.


Mike Tyson: Rapist, Possible Cannibal, All around Psychopath

The Crime: In July of 1991 “Iron” Mike Tyson was arrested for the rape of “Miss Black Road Island” Desiree Washington in an Indianapolis hotel room. He must have confused Washington with Lennox Lewis, who Tyson maintains that he will “fuck till you (Lewis) love me, faggot.”

After his release from federal prison Tyson returned to boxing. In 1996 and 1997, Tyson had a series of fights with World Heavyweight rival Evander Holyfield. In the ‘96 bout Holyfield got away with several head butts, something Tyson felt was unacceptable. In the ’97 rematch Tyson retaliated by biting Holyfield’s ear off.

Hey what are you doing? Are you about to...ahhh blaghraufigt!

You would think that tasting the flesh of another human being would be enough for Mike Tyson, but the blood of his enemy has only made “Iron” Mike more detached and dangerous than ever. Here are a few carefully selected quotes to help you understand what we are all dealing with;

On Razor Ruddock:

"March 16th, Mike Tyson [vs.] Razor Ruddock, Razor Ruddock dies. If he doesn't die, it doesn't count. If he's not dead, it doesn't count."

On Francois Botha:

"I think I'll take a bath in his blood."

On Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows:

"Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherfucker you're fittin' to die!"

More on Lennox Lewis:

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On the human race:

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating; I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

"When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him."

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep me from killing y'all!"

Yeah, this guy looks like a rational human being.

The Verdict: If you think Michael Vick belongs in jail and Mike Tyson doesn't, than please wear tin foil on your head so we know who you are.


5 out of 5 O.J.’s.