The Lies: A Tale in 1 Act

Editor's Note: I submitted this script to a couple of contests for dramatic script writing. It wasn't a winner by their standards, but I was recently reminded that seeking acclaim alone doesn't bring joy, creating does. And sometimes the joy of creating should be enough.

If you found your way here, please enjoy.

shIT: A Parody of Stephen King’s “IT”

Marvel's Infinity Saga Power Rankings: Every MCU Movie From Worst to Best

I don't know if you've noticed, but Avengers: Endgame is out and is making all of the money. It's also being aggressively slurped by everyone I know, and such slavish praise must be met with some aggressive criticism to balance it out. 

Oh, that's what that means.

But, since I enjoy Marvel movies (most of them, anyway) and I also enjoy making lists, why not just judge every Marvel movie individually in a 5,000 word article that will take me 7 days to complete? Since I'm a glutton for punishment and I crave your hatred like a baby boomer craves an "All Lives Matter" rally, here's the definitive list of every Marvel movie from worst to best. It's the only one of it's kind on the internet!

I await your scorn.

Down in the Knob: A Groundhog Day Docu-Venture

On February 2nd, 2019 (in the year of our lord), Andrew Johnson and Robert Hibbs disappeared near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania while shooting a documentary. 

A few days later their footage was found. It is really dumb and not worth your time. That said, here is the most useful footage we could cobble together for the sake of posterity.

Diary of a Mad Black Bear

This past winter I decided to go hiking in the woods, and found an old diary. I thought the contents of it were quite strange, and I wanted to share them with you today.

***

March 18, 2007

Hibernation over. Very hungry. Looking over at female I spent winter with. She looked better in the fall. Feeling a little sick. Need to find way out without waking her. Finished rest of food, pooped on floor, went outside. Sniff air, smells of pine. I hate pine.

Female has woken up, complains about poop floor. I'm going to bite her.

Guest Blogger Kris Peraldo: What Men Need to Know

Editor's Note: Kris Peraldo tragically passed away on August 9, 2011 at the age of 24. In honor of his memory, please enjoy these life tips he wrote for you all. For the sake of posterity I have not edited his article in any way. Please enjoy. Or don't. Do whatever you want, I'm not your boss. 

RIP Kris. 

There comes a time in every man/boy's life where he starts to notice the opposite sex for more than the fact that they're dynamite cookies thieves. Now, some children may not be afforded the same excellent advice you received as a wee lad, so today you're going to get the Top 10 Things Growing Boys Need to Know About Women.

My Version of the New Twilight Graphic Novel

Recently Stephenie Meyer announced she is launching a Twilight graphic novel series. As expected I took this as a personal insult. Stephenie Meyer has crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed, and pushed our feud into the realm of apocalyptic nightmares. I’ll admit I might have been a tad harsh when I reviewed her travesty she called a novel, and I might make the occasional joke at her expense, but I’ve never made it personal. Stephenie Meyer has now made it personal by dragging her greasy sausage fingers across the key boards to inscribe what will probably be the mecca of bullshit comic book writing.

She couldn’t be content with her stranglehold on the young-adult-soft core pornography-retarded-teenage girl market, so now she’s stepping into MY HOUSE. To be fair I’m not officially a graphic novel author yet, but it will become all the more difficult to break into the medium now that this abortion is in the works. In response to this outrages attempt to piss me off I went ahead and beat her to the punch. I wrote my own Twilight graphic novel, and I can honestly say it’s already better than whatever literary spermicide she was ready to unleash upon the world. While I’m looking for publishers, I’ve decided to give you all a special preview. Enjoy!

An Innapropriate Night Before Christmas

Tips on How to Kick Ass at Monopoly

Monopoly can be more than a frustrating game when you’re losing, but a victory can be more rewarding than a Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, for most losing at Monopoly exceeds irritation to the point of “Hulk-esque” flip-outs, causing the game to come to an abrupt end, and robbing the victor of their celebratory fist pumps and crotch chops.

ARRGH! HULK WANTED PARK PLACE!

Today I am going to share with you a few helpful tips that will end your Monopoly losing streak, giving you the overwhelming joy of financial success while not robbing you of your God given right to be an incompetent failure.

Johnson Brothers Around the World

Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around our home town every holiday! We should get out more."

Questionable Sunday Comics

Every Sunday I eagerly await my newspaper so I can delve into the worlds of my favorite comic characters. Usually their antics are goodhearted and fun, but every once in a while I'll find a cartoon that is...questionable at best. Today I have decided to share with you some of the more questionable Sunday comics I've come across.

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing any of the pictures, just click on them to see a larger image.)

My Quest to Find Out if the Prince of Persia Movie is Real

Recently Disney released a new trailer for their latest film venture, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It’s produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the titular Prince. For those of you unaware of these Hollywood players, Bruckheimer is the man behind great films like Pirates of the Caribbean, as well as shitty films like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3. Gyllenhaal is the emo kid from Donnie Darko who made out with Heath Ledger.
When I first saw the promotional poster it didn’t seem real to me. It looked like a fake movie poster you would see on Entourage.

Halloween Poems for Kids!

Ghosts are Spooky!

Halloween is great, the ghosts rise from the grave,

And, fly through the cool autumn sky

They haunt little girls and little boys too!

But, you shouldn’t be scared, just say hi!

Most are friendly, like Casper and Boo

And just want to wish you well

Unless you get the ghost of John Wayne Gacey

Who will drag you with him back to hell

Yes, he kidnapped young boys

Their knees he would scrape

As he strangled them violently

After a brutal rape

So be good to your ghost friends

During the Halloween season!

Except John Wayne Gacey

Who will rape and murder for no particular reason

WVU vs Marshall: Whose Side Are You On?

 West Virginia is a proud state that has many colleges claiming residency, schools such as West Virginia Wesleyan, Fairmont State, and Bethany College. But, none are as prominent as West Virginia University and Marshall University, the two biggest colleges in the state. Because of Marshall and WVU’s long standing history, many like to claim that the two universities’ are rivals and any interaction between the two should be seen as a major event, exploited by promotions that throw around the words “friends”, “coal”, and “of”.

Blog Action Day 2009: How Climate Change and Rush Limbaugh COULD Shape the Future

September 15, 2014. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The Office of President Rush Limbaugh.

It's been almost two years since President Rush Limbaugh took office, and the world's climate has gone through horrifying change. The President's crusade against global warming awareness, (deeming it “liberal bullshit") has brought the world to the brink of environmental catastrophes of Michael Bay like proportions. Since The JohnsoNation has become the most reliable source of news in the country, I felt it was my duty to sit down with the President and discuss the current state of not only the country, but of the world itself. I entered the Oval Office and found him reviewing his approval rating; a staggering zero percent. Once a powerful radio personality and political leader, he was now a shell of his former self.

5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West bum rushed Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event; a country song won an award at a non-country centric musical award show. Everyone accused Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us. He was trying to save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.

Guest Blogger Alena McAllister: Twilight of the Stupid

When my good friend Andrew asked me to guest blog for him, we spent some time brainstorming about what exactly I might want to write on. Nothing was getting me motivated until Andrew thought of a topic that was timely, culturally-relevant, and got my ire going enough that I'd be able to ramble on about it for a few hundred words. What Andrew asked me was, "How do you feel about Twilight?"

The JohnsoNation Summer Internship

This past summer I decided it was time to give back to a world that I have taken so, so much from, and develop an internship program for my thriving new company. I have to say that this year was a huge success, and we here at The JohnsoNation Corporation are very excited to continue the program next summer. For all you potential new interns, here are excerpts from our last intern's journal to give you an idea of what our program is all about.

The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.