The Lies: A Tale in 1 Act

Editor's Note: I submitted this script to a couple of contests for dramatic script writing. It wasn't a winner by their standards, but I was recently reminded that seeking acclaim alone doesn't bring joy, creating does. And sometimes the joy of creating should be enough.

If you found your way here, please enjoy.

shIT: A Parody of Stephen King’s “IT”

Marvel's Infinity Saga Power Rankings: Every MCU Movie From Worst to Best

I don't know if you've noticed, but Avengers: Endgame is out and is making all of the money. It's also being aggressively slurped by everyone I know, and such slavish praise must be met with some aggressive criticism to balance it out. 

Oh, that's what that means.

But, since I enjoy Marvel movies (most of them, anyway) and I also enjoy making lists, why not just judge every Marvel movie individually in a 5,000 word article that will take me 7 days to complete? Since I'm a glutton for punishment and I crave your hatred like a baby boomer craves an "All Lives Matter" rally, here's the definitive list of every Marvel movie from worst to best. It's the only one of it's kind on the internet!

I await your scorn.

Down in the Knob: A Groundhog Day Docu-Venture

On February 2nd, 2019 (in the year of our lord), Andrew Johnson and Robert Hibbs disappeared near Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania while shooting a documentary. 

A few days later their footage was found. It is really dumb and not worth your time. That said, here is the most useful footage we could cobble together for the sake of posterity.

Diary of a Mad Black Bear

This past winter I decided to go hiking in the woods, and found an old diary. I thought the contents of it were quite strange, and I wanted to share them with you today.

***

March 18, 2007

Hibernation over. Very hungry. Looking over at female I spent winter with. She looked better in the fall. Feeling a little sick. Need to find way out without waking her. Finished rest of food, pooped on floor, went outside. Sniff air, smells of pine. I hate pine.

Female has woken up, complains about poop floor. I'm going to bite her.

Guest Blogger Kris Peraldo: What Men Need to Know

Editor's Note: Kris Peraldo tragically passed away on August 9, 2011 at the age of 24. In honor of his memory, please enjoy these life tips he wrote for you all. For the sake of posterity I have not edited his article in any way. Please enjoy. Or don't. Do whatever you want, I'm not your boss. 

RIP Kris. 

There comes a time in every man/boy's life where he starts to notice the opposite sex for more than the fact that they're dynamite cookies thieves. Now, some children may not be afforded the same excellent advice you received as a wee lad, so today you're going to get the Top 10 Things Growing Boys Need to Know About Women.

My Version of the New Twilight Graphic Novel

Recently Stephenie Meyer announced she is launching a Twilight graphic novel series. As expected I took this as a personal insult. Stephenie Meyer has crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed, and pushed our feud into the realm of apocalyptic nightmares. I’ll admit I might have been a tad harsh when I reviewed her travesty she called a novel, and I might make the occasional joke at her expense, but I’ve never made it personal. Stephenie Meyer has now made it personal by dragging her greasy sausage fingers across the key boards to inscribe what will probably be the mecca of bullshit comic book writing.

She couldn’t be content with her stranglehold on the young-adult-soft core pornography-retarded-teenage girl market, so now she’s stepping into MY HOUSE. To be fair I’m not officially a graphic novel author yet, but it will become all the more difficult to break into the medium now that this abortion is in the works. In response to this outrages attempt to piss me off I went ahead and beat her to the punch. I wrote my own Twilight graphic novel, and I can honestly say it’s already better than whatever literary spermicide she was ready to unleash upon the world. While I’m looking for publishers, I’ve decided to give you all a special preview. Enjoy!

An Innapropriate Night Before Christmas

Tips on How to Kick Ass at Monopoly

Monopoly can be more than a frustrating game when you’re losing, but a victory can be more rewarding than a Nobel Peace Prize. Unfortunately, for most losing at Monopoly exceeds irritation to the point of “Hulk-esque” flip-outs, causing the game to come to an abrupt end, and robbing the victor of their celebratory fist pumps and crotch chops.

ARRGH! HULK WANTED PARK PLACE!

Today I am going to share with you a few helpful tips that will end your Monopoly losing streak, giving you the overwhelming joy of financial success while not robbing you of your God given right to be an incompetent failure.

Johnson Brothers Around the World

Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around our home town every holiday! We should get out more."