The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.

Unopened Letters to the World

Have you ever gotten really mad at someone? So angry that you just had to get it out before it over took you and sent you on a gun toting killing spree? Well I feel that way very often. But, instead of grabbing a silenced AK47 and capping people Grand Theft Auto style, I decided it was probably better to just put my frustrations down on paper. I had always heard that writing a letter and not sending it was very therapeutic, and I have to say that after writing at least a dozen a day, it sure does keep those murderous rages in check.

Today I decided to share with you all some of those unsent letters in hopes that it can inspire you to take out your aggression in words instead of fisticuffs. And, to those of you who these letters are about, I am sorry my feelings toward you had to get like this, but lets be honest...this has been a long time coming.

Vampire Kids Suck Part 2

I was surprised to find that the “mall” they were talking about was nothing more than the local shopping center. And, the “court” they were talking about wasn’t a vampire sex lair at all; it was just the food court. Disappointed, but still eager to see some blood splatter, I entered the mall with a new found dedication to vigilante justice. I was excited at the prospect of jumping in after they made their kill and eliminating them Blade style. I took a seat at the far end of the court to keep a low profile, but still close enough to hear their conversation. I listened intently as I whittled a stake out of some chopsticks I got at PF Chang’s, and doused myself in the garlic I got from Olive Garden.

“We need to make a decision Vampier,” said Russell the fat vampire.

Vampire Kids Suck Part 1

Chapter 1

“I have a full house!” Kyle exclaimed, joyfully reaching for the chips.

I looked down at his cards and shook my head. “No you dip shit. That isn’t a full house. You don’t win.”

“Are you sure?” he asked with a stupid look on his face. “You told me a full house was 3 of a kind and two of a kind.”

“Yeah, but they all have to be the same card,” I lied. “Besides, my 2 pair would beat your full house anyway.”

“That doesn’t seem right,” said Wade who was sitting across the table from Berry and looking even more stupid, mostly because of his red hair.

John Madden Announces Retirement, Sports World Rejoices

John Madden’s last game as a football commentator was announcing a thrilling Super Bowl in which he had no interest in.

John Madden, one of the sports most decorated announcers and greatest coaches, announced his retirement on Thursday. With this announcement he officially ended a storied career that seemed to tailspin in the last decade. Yet it didn’t fit Madden’s style to think about his retirement that way.

“I love grinders,” he said when asked about his favorite part of the announcing job. “You just get all these free submarine sandwiches, these grinders, and go through them and when it’s all over, you think about it. That’s what I’ll miss the most…the sandwiches.”

My Plan to Get My Student Loans Paid

I, like most Americans, am in a tremendous amount of debt. My debt however is not due to frivolous spending or an addiction to online poker. My debt stems from the greatest racket in the history of all mankind…college loans. Sometimes I sit back and think about all the money I would have right now if I had not pursued that golden goose. Where would I be if I wasn’t paying off loans for a degree that I’m not even really using? Instead I wasted five years of my life and spent money I didn’t have. Now I’m stuck paying off massive amounts of cash to a company that is as heartless as Timothy McVeigh.

Why I Called A Six Year Old A Lesbian: A Dramatized Explanation

I love kids. I love them so much I spent three different summers of my adult life mentoring them as a camp counselor. Kids generally love me to, I have a very teddy bear like exterior which they find appealing. But, every once in a while I meet a child that is more vindictive than Chubs whipping out that alligators eye in Happy Gilmore. Here is the story of my experience with one of those children.

I "Read" Twilight: The Review

Before I get into this review I need to make two things clear:

1: This is not a review of the movie, it's a review of the first book in the series.

2: My opinion really doesn't matter.

Well to be more accurate my opinion doesn't really matter to you, but it means a hell of a lot to me. When it comes down to making decisions, my opinion is the first one I seek out. It means a lot to me because I take time to think about my opinions, and I try to give everything an honest to God try. I think its important to learn about something before trying to pass judgement on it. For the most part people don't want your opinion if it doesn't already confirm their own. Nobody is really interested in debate; you either agree with them, or to hell with you. All too often people confuse taste with intelligence, and it ends up making us look uninformed and small minded. We take what we like and attribute that to what we believe is important to the world, and by doing this we severely limit ourselves in our experiences.

3 Reasons Why I Think Natalie Portman Would Be Into Me

As my loyal readers know, I have had a somewhat on again, off again relationship with Natalie Portman. All of my friends have maintained that Natalie Portman would never be into me, considering the fact that she can literally have any man she wants. My argument is that I’ve never heard anything to contradict my assumption, but clearly that is not enough proof for my nay saying friends. So here are three reasons I think I could win not only her heart, but her bank account pin number and house keys.