The JohnsoNation

We Have a Problem...

2010-05-04T01:27:00.006+01:00

Andrew Johnson May 1 at 11:32am

Dear Mr. Rift,

Hi there. You might not know me personally, but I’m sure you’ve at least heard of my greatness. I’m a very important columnist over at TJR. So how are things going? Is life treating you well? I have to be honest I really don’t give a shit, but when one messages a person they have never met, usually some pleasantries must be discussed.

Since I assume your time is as valuable and sexy as mine, I’ll get right to my point. Every once in a while I’m forced to link to your website to reference happenings in the wrestling industry. I do this because a) John makes me site my sources, and b) I don’t know any other sites to link to. For an internet sensation such as myself I spend very little time online, and when I am on I’m usually writing gut-bustlingly funny articles, or emailing Doctor Money pictures of me banging his sister.

Any shit, the other day I was reading one of my articles and laughing myself stupid when I accidently clicked on the link to your site. Not realizing how the “back” button worked, I decided to keep perusing your site pages until I found a link back to my library of genius. It took me several hours to fully realize that you are completely lacking any and all links or references to my articles at TJR, and because of that we have a few problems to discuss.

First off; what the hell? I know you use a lot of your websites valuable space to post stupid YouTube videos of indie-wrestlers and pre-teen vloggers bitching about how everything sucks, but I thought you would have at least given me a shout out. At first I assumed you just didn’t post columns on your site. I was ready to head over to Rajah.com to play “extreme pop-up closing” when I noticed you do have a section for columnists, and it’s all the way at the bottom of the page.

Which brings me to my second problem; What the HELL?!

Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Did you think I wouldn’t discover that you post articles by several columnists, and I have not been asked to participate? This is a travesty sir. I’d call you a horse-fucker but my mother raised me right, you horse-fucker. I’m sorry I said that, I’m just under a lot of pressure. I would have deleted all of what I just wrote, but my backspace key is technically a mini Twix bar. I’m just very hurt that you would promote all these other turds and exclude me from your line-up. Granted, it’s not like you properly promote columns since they are all the way at the bottom of your site, but publicity is publicity and I have to tell you I have been truly offended.

Which brings me to my last issue with NoDq.com; in my travels around your website I came across a “show” where a guy sits and discusses the happenings in professional wrestling. And, after watching a few of these episodes I have to tell you, this guy has got some pretty big balls. In all of the videos I watched, not ONCE does he mention me. He’s even sitting at a computer in one of them! All he had to do was look up one of my articles and read it out loud, occasionally pausing for bouts of hysterical laughter and praise! Is that too fucking much to ask?

Despite the fact that I have been grossly mistreated, I have decided to give you a chance to make it up to me. Here is a list of ways you can make this right;

1. A written public apology signed in blood, and kept on the front page of your website for no less than one year.
2. Start posting my columns above all other columns, and pay me double what you pay them.
3. An acknowledgement on your weekly web show, plus an open interview discussing my childhood and time as Awesome Kong’s cage cleaner.
4. An award. I noticed that you give out end of the year awards, and I want one. Nothing too fancy, just a trophy made of jewels and gold. Nothing bigger than 6 ft though; be considerate to my trophy case.

I expect you to make this right Mr. Rift, if that is your real name. You must understand that I am not doing this out of malice, but out of justice. I deserve your recognition, and I will get it, even if I have to burn NoDq.com to the ground.

I eagerly await your response! Thanks and have a great day!

Sincerely,

Andrew Johnson Esquire

***

Aaron Rift May 1 at 3:25pm

What is TJR?

***

Andrew Johnson May 1 at 3:41pm

You rat bastard. You're pretending not to know what TJR is so you can weasel your way out this huh? Prepare for war, NoDq boy.

Something I Need to Get Off My Chest...

2010-04-09T23:38:00.003+01:00

Been a while since I've written at the ol' blog. Ever since I've moved over to TJR I've stopped updating this site. Today I'm going to change that, mostly because this is something I don't want to burden John with having on his site, but also because it's also an issue I've taken pretty seriously, and I want it to come from me, not a comedian at a wrestling website.

Bullying has been a persistent problem throughout history. I always thought that as we evolved as a society, this petty behavior would eventually be left behind for greater attributes. We have the technology at our disposal to make the world a better and safer place for all who inhabit it, but it seems all we’ve done is find new ways to harass and intimidate each other.

Recently there was an incident where one blogger took some liberties with a well known writer’s work. And, by liberties I mean he flat out stole it. Some say he was at fault, some say he wasn’t. I don’t really care how it went down; all I know is how it escalated. After the news broke of the transgression there was an enormous uproar of support for the victim. Unfortunately instead of this being a positive thing that united a fan base together, it turned into a mean spirited attack on a guy who simply made a mistake.

I need to make one thing clear; I understand why people were upset. I wasn’t personally, so me being me I took it as an opportunity to try and make light of the situation. It wasn’t anything special and it certainly didn’t attack him personally. It was no worse than what Conan O’Brien or Dave Letterman do everyday. They make light of a potential tense situation with jokes. I thought if we could all share a laugh, maybe it would calm everyone down.

I noticed all it did was inspire other people to make their own pictures to display their version of humor. Unfortunately what they think is funny and what I do are two completely different things. They attacked him personally. I’m sorry, but regardless of how you feel about the subject, this level of retaliation is never acceptable. What was once a unified group of individuals seeking justice quickly turned into a mob of school yard bullies out for blood.

I was bullied as a kid. I was bigger than everyone else in the class, so I was always a target for snide comments and unjustified torment. Once in middle school I was attacked by four sisters on my way home from school. That’s right; I was beaten up by girls. Am I proud of this revelation? In a way, I am. Throughout the entire attack, I never once hit one of those girls. If I wanted to, I could have seriously hurt them, but I didn’t because that’s not what a man does. A man doesn’t hit a woman. You know what else a man doesn’t do? He doesn’t terrorize people for making a mistake.

And, a man doesn’t sit back and let this shit slide. I know the issue is over. It’s been resolved and people have backed off, but the fact remains that it happened. I’m upset that it got to the point it did. This isn’t how we should be acting. I know I’m the resident clown who makes jokes for your amusement, but I’m also a person who doesn’t suffer bullies. This was cyber-bullying. This behavior, this retaliation, was wrong. It’s so easy to start off the hero and find that have turned into the villain, and that’s what has happened to a lot of people involved in this situation.

I don’t think anyone on either side of this issue are bad people at heart. Hell, we all make mistakes and some have even accounted for them and apologized. It’s just that this kind of behavior is a slippery slope. You start off thinking you’re in the right, and find out you’ve become a monster. It’s hard to do the right thing. It’s hard to be a man. It’s probably the hardest thing I can imagine, because being cruel and hateful is just so damn easy.

I know everyone wants to just let this issue go, and after this I’ll be inclined to do that. I just want to implore you the next time something like this happens you do the right thing. How you handle situations like this make up who you are, and how you will handle bigger, more difficult situations in the future.

Men and women have different roles in this world. I’m not being sexist, I’m just speaking truth. Regardless of social status or how far or low you are at the totem pole at work, when push comes to shove and everything’s gone to hell, me have a job to do that women will never really understand. We need to be leaders. We need to make the tough decisions. Decisions that mean the difference between slapping around a couple of girls to defend your honor, or walking away with a fat lip and a bruised ego.

Do you follow the crowd? Do you grab a pitchfork and join the mob because cruelty is easy? Or do you act like a man, stand your ground, and show this behavior is unacceptable? Men don’t join the crowd and embrace destruction. Men don’t shoot first and ask questions later. Men don’t judge someone by how they look, but by what they do. Men don’t attack someone just because it’s easy or funny. Men treat women with respect, even when they don’t deserve it. Men stand up for what’s right. We need to be the good guys fellas’, because the world already has too many of the bad. We need to act like men.

The 7 Most Unsuccessful Tag Team Break-Ups in WWE History

2010-03-17T17:37:00.001Z

Once upon a time in the WWE there were things called tag teams. Not a random pairing of two single stars who have nothing better to do, but two persons who shared a common theme and goal. Today real tag teams are few and far between, mostly because WWE loves to break them up. The WWE believes that splitting a successful team will automatically create two individual stars. Here are seven instances where they failed miserably.

7) The Smoking Gunns

The Smoking Gunns were a mid-nineties fake brother cowboy duo and precursor to Brokeback Mountain jokes. Billy and Bart had been teaming together since 1993 and knew what it took to be a successful tag team. During the tenure with WWE the Smoking Gunns won the WWE tag team titles on three separate occasions, and were able to become extremely popular despite their mullets.

The Break-Up

In 1996 Billy and Bart had turned heel after they took on Sunny as their manager. Sunny started causing problems between the Gunns when she began an on-air relationship with Billy. This made Bart extremely jealous, creating a rift between the two, and eventually leading them to lose the tag team titles to Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith. Since Sunny was a stupid whore that only knew how to follow gold, she abandoned the Gunns, leaving Billy distraught and angry at Bart. He turned on his partner and officially disbanded the Smoking Gunns after a failed attempt at regaining their titles.

The Fallout

After their split, Billy went on to become the ridiculous Rockabilly before joining up with D-Generation X and becoming an integral part of the Attitude Era as “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn. He then took the “Ass” gimmick too far, kept going back to the ambiguously gay character too often (Mr. Ass, Billy and Chuck, “The One” Billy Gunn), and was released years later. Bart stuck around until 1999 when he got knocked out by Butterbean at WrestleMania XV in embarrassing fashion, so I guess you can say Billy had the better career.

6) Paul London and Billy Kidman

Paul London and Billy Kidman were two cruiserweights whose careers were going nowhere. In 2004 they were put together as a tag team and used their athleticism to get them over as a hot new attraction. Their highflying techniques made them popular with the fans, and they were eventually given a run with the WWE tag team titles. London was still a fresh face who was getting excellent exposure, and Kidman was regaining momentum he hadn’t seen since his days with WCW. It seemed this team was destined for great things…

The Break-Up

…Until Kidman legitimately injured Chavo Guerrero in August of 2004. Kidman’s Shooting Star Press caused Chavo to suffer from a legit concussion that kept him out of action for several weeks. WWE saw this as perfect opportunity to take something that was working really well and destroy it in an attempt to exploit a real injury. They turned Kidman into a coward who couldn’t use his finisher out of fear of hurting someone else, and London was the left to carry the load. They eventually dropped the tag belts after Kidman walked out on London mid-match, officially ending the once promising tag team.

The Fallout

London and Kidman had a brief feud that culminated at No Mercy 2004, but the fans didn’t really care to see them against each other. WWE had taken a promising team and shot them in the leg before they even hit their full potential. Later Paul London had a better tag team experience with Brian Kendrick, while Kidman went back to obscurity, until he was eventually released when WWE realized the only good thing about him was his hot wife.

5) The Colóns

In 2008 it seemed the WWE had pretty much given up on Carlito. In a last ditch effort to make him useful, they brought in his real life brother Eddie Colón aka Primo and threw them together as a tag team. This turned out to be a great move on WWE’s part because the pair became immensely popular. The Colóns spent the majority of 2008 as the Smackdown tag team champions, only to win the Raw titles at WrestleMania XXV and become the first ever Unified Tag Team Champions. Things were looking up for Puerto Rican duo…

The Break-Up

…Until WWE broke them up for no good reason. Carlito and Primo held the Unified belts until the summer of ’09 when they dropped the titles to Edge and Jericho. Two weeks later Carlito turned on Primo out of frustration. Two weeks after the attack Primo pinned Carlito in 6-man tag match, thus officially ending the most uneventful and uninteresting feud between two former tag team partners in wrestling history.

The Fallout

Carlito went back to being the arrogant heel who spits apples at people and Primo became a jobber to the stars. To further the nonsense, both Primo and Carlito are regularly involved in tag team matches again…with other partners. Primo usually teams with fellow jobber Evan Bourne, while Carlito can be seen doing nothing with Chavo Guerrero. This break-up supports the theory that while WWE likes to screw up tag teams, they really like to screw up sibling teams. Just ask…

4) The Hardy Boyz

In 2001 Matt and Jeff Hardy were the most popular tag team in all of wrestling. They had legions of fans, tons of merchandise, and were integral parts of the WWE tag team renaissance. Immensely talented, both had shown promise of being legitimate single competitors. The Hardys had literally accomplished all they could as a team, and it was time for them to spread their wings and fly solo.

The Break-Up

Since this is the WWE and drama is needed to accomplish the most miniscule of tasks, WWE opted to throw Matt’s real life girlfriend Lita in the mix to create the most uncomfortable storyline imaginable. In it Matt began to suspect that Lita had feelings for Jeff, and took out his jealousy on his brother at the 2001 Vengeance pay-per-view. In a match that was so bad it’s not even mentioned on their Wikipedia page, Jeff pinned Matt after special guest referee Lita made the three-count.

The Fallout

Team Xtreme continued their feud until WWE realized how stupid the whole thing was and sent in the Undertaker to perform a continuity amputation by beating the shit out of all three of them. A month later they returned at the Royal Rumble and pretended like the break-up never happened. A few years later Matt suffered an eerily similar “cheating girlfriend” experience with his real life girlfriend Lita and his friend Edge. No one can dispute that one thing WWE is lacking of is irony.

3) The New Age Outlaws

Sometimes the best tag teams come from two single stars with horrible gimmicks. Saddled with bullshit characters, “The Real Double J” Jesse James, and Rockabilly decided they needed more edgy alter egos. Soon “Road Dogg” Jesse James and “Bad Ass” Billy Gunn were born, and they immediately made a splash in the 1997 tag team scene. After they joined up with D-Generation X, The New Age Outlaws became so popular they had the third highest merchandise sales after Steve Austin and the Rock. After several tag title runs the duo had set their sights on singles gold, with Road Dogg and Gunn winning the Intercontinental and Hardcore titles, respectively. Soon the WWE set in motion a storyline that would benefit both wrestlers’ careers.

The Break-Up

Just kidding. In 1999 Billy Gunn turned on his partner and fully embraced his inner ass by becoming “Mr. Ass.” Their brief feud culminated at the 1999 Over the Edge pay-per-view, aka the PPV you will never see nor hear mentioned on WWE programming ever again. Later Gunn won the King of the Ring tournament and began the biggest push of his career, while Road Dogg began to wonder which front office employee he pissed off when he started teaming with fellow DX alumnus X-Pac.

The Fallout

As mentioned above, Gunn’s single career didn’t really take off, so they were eventually thrown back together with the rest of DX by the end of the year. Eventually they split again, only to reunite years later in TNA as the James Gang aka the Voodoo Kin Mafia. Unable to grasp the popularity they once had, James and Gunn both quietly fell into obscurity until they were eventually released.

2) The Dudley Boyz

The Dudley Boyz were ECW transplants that found massive success in the WWE during the tag team renaissance. With their hard hitting style, tough guy image, and entertaining catch-phrases, the Dudley Boyz were similar to the tag teams of old that preferred to make their careers as a team as opposed to individuals. After winning the tag team belts on several occasions, WWE got bored with the pairing and decided to try and dispute the old claim “if it isn’t broke, don’t fix it.”

The Break-Up

The Dudley Boyz were victims of the very first WWE draft that split the entire roster into two brands. Bubba Ray went to Raw and remained largely unchanged. D-Von was sent to Smackdown and was saddled with a ridiculous “Reverend D-Von” gimmick that was more puzzling than entertaining. Since neither D-Von nor Bubba Ray were talented enough in-ring competitors to warrant singles careers, it was hardly unexpected when their individual solo acts failed miserably.

The Fallout

The Dudley Boyz were reunited at the 2002 Survivor Series and went back to their old format of table breaking and angry scowling. Unfortunately their brief split had occurred during the end of the tag team renaissance, so their reunion was celebrated with very little fan-fare. Since WWE had no intention of pushing a tag team in their new single star-heavy product, the Dudleys were released by WWE in 2005. To further fuck over a team they had already fucked pretty hard, the WWE retained the rights to the Dudley trademark, making it impossible for them to use the characters they created in any other company. Eventually they made their way to TNA rechristened as Team 3D, determined to prove you can’t keep a “well past their prime” tag team down.

1) The Legion of Doom

Generally recognized as one of the greatest tag teams in professional wrestling history, the Legion of Doom aka the Road Warriors were well known as innovators of tag team wrestling. By popularizing the use of face paint to enhance their characters and using their massive physiques and power moves to win over audiences, the L.O.D. were revolutionary trailblazers that set the standard for all tag teams to follow. What better way to honor their legacy than by inappropriately exploiting alcohol and drug use for dramatic purposes? If you find that grossly offensive, then that is the difference between you and the people in charge at WWE. That and ludicrous amounts of money to run a company where grown men beat up each other in their underwear.

The Break-Up

In 1998 the Road Warriors were upgraded for the new millennium and were re-christened as the ludicrous L.O.D. 2000. Feeling their new gimmick wasn’t stupid enough, WWE stuck them with Darren Drozdov aka Puke as a sometimes member when Hawk was incapacitated. Playing off Hawk’s real life alcohol and drug issues, he was seen by his partner Animal as unfit to wrestle and Droz was tapped to take Hawk’s place in the tag team. The angle culminated in a moment that even Sacha Baron Cohen would find inappropriate.

On one episode of RAW Hawk attempted suicide by jumping off the TitanTron to the ground below. Despite the fact that there was about a three second delay between him jumping and seeing his silhouette fall behind the screen, WWE tried to play off this moronic stunt as something serious. Unfortunately the very next year Owen Hart died in a similar stunt, leading one to believe that either WWE has horrible luck with their angles coinciding with real life tragedies, or Death has a really fucked up sense of humor.

The Fallout

Both Animal and Hawk felt this angle was tasteless and voiced their displeasure. The angle was eventually dropped and the Legion of Doom unceremoniously left the WWE later that year. A few years later Hawk died in his sleep after an apparent heart attack. Animal returned to WWE in mid-2005 and decided to dedicate his entire run to his former partner. He eventually won the Smackdown tag team belts with his new associate…

If he really wanted to honor Hawk he could have just started a charity. If the whole drug abuse angle in ’98 didn’t kill off the team’s legacy then Heidenreich in the L.O.D. finally did it. Congratulations WWE, you win.

Sports Entertainment Weekly: 6 Types of Wrestling Fans

2010-02-12T00:27:00.004Z

Professional wrestling fans have always gotten a bad rap. They are usually stereotyped as white trash inbreeding hicks whose only joys are NASCAR, and watching grown men beat each other up in their underwear. The truth is that there are many different kinds of wrestling fans in the world. Here are six types of fans that are worse than the redneck stereotype. Much worse.

6) The Casual Fan
The Casual Fan is someone who became a fan of wrestling during one of the boom periods (Hulkamania, Attitude Era) and draws most of his wrestling knowledge from this chosen time frame. The Casual Fan loved wrestling when it was popular, but once the buzz started to die down so did his interest. Casual Fans are not focused enough to follow character evolution and the pacing of a technical match. They are more interested in dangerous spots, five-minute pose downs, and diva matches.

What are the symptoms?

The Casual Fan is someone who finds it strange that Austin, Hogan, and the Rock are no longer in the WWE, and will be generally ignorant to the current roster. He will often refer to the “Hell in a Cell” at the 1998 King of the Ring as the greatest match ever, and will consistently refer to the Big Show as the Giant. Casual Fans are considered a nuisance due to their complete lack of respect for the art of wrestling, making them slightly lower than a gerbil on the list of preferred company during a wrestling event. Also, their general lack of knowledge causes them to constantly ask questions during an event, which brings about frustration and ridicule from normal fans.

Is there a cure?

Unfortunately there is no real cure for the Casual Fan. The good thing is that their attention spans are short. They will eventually tire of screaming “Suck It” at their televisions, and will fade back to wrestling ignorance until the next Hulkamania tour or DX reunion.

5) The Historian

The Historian is the self-appointed keeper of wrestling continuity. He can remember the card of every pay-per-view, the lineage of every title, and the alliances/feuds of every wrestler in chronological order. The Historian has no real interest in what goes on behind the scenes, but merely what happens in the ring. Historians tend to travel in packs, and will regale each other with the same stories over and over again, until an argument breaks out over the actual number of Ric Flair’s world title reigns.

What are the symptoms?

The Historian is a chronic note keeper and organizer. Whether he keeps the list on a spiral notebook, flash drive, or even in his own head, the Historian will use his notes to check all other media for discrepancies. The Historian is easily agitated by continuity errors, and will usually lash out if the mistake is not corrected. Historians are very unlikely to have friends who are not wrestling fans, and will consider all other activities such as going outside and dating as a waste of their time.
Other symptoms include obesity, poor hygiene, and a lack of social skills. Most often these symptoms keep historians from maintaining any and all relationships that don’t require a credit card.

Is there a cure?

Most historians are males, so all it takes to shut their cheeto holes is a well placed female. Historians fear women like Vince McMahon fears Chris Benoit references or steroid trials. Because they have very little interaction with them, most Historians will be more concentrated on staring at her boobs than discussing the history of the Cruiserweight title.

4) The Closet Fan

The Closet Fan is someone who has felt the sting of shame due to their love of professional wrestling. Fandom goes in cycles; excitement, disappointment, embarrassment, and finally validation before the cycles start over. The Closet Fan is perpetually stuck in the embarrassment cycle, and has yet to find a way to break free. The Closet Fan is aware of the stigma that surrounds professional wrestling, and is afraid that he will be stereotyped and ultimately ostracized by his peers. The Closet Fan is a self-loathing creature that is constantly seeking approval, keeping him from fully enjoying anything.

What are the symptoms?

Closet Fans have become exceptional hiders or their love of wrestling, so identifying one is no easy feat. Many Closet Fans choose not to own any wrestling merchandise, such as t-shirts and magazines, for fear of someone finding them. However, even the closet fan is unable to resist the urge to purchase DVD’s of their favorite pay-per-views, but will they will strategically replace the case covers with something less conspicuous. Many cover options include work-out videos, undesirable bargain-bin movies, and pornography. Never doubt a Closet Fan’s dedication to keeping his secret. He would rather you assume he is a giant pervert with a massive porn collection than have you gaze upon his “Best of Mick Foley” DVD.

Is there a cure?

The only known cure for the Closet Fan is by outing him, or convincing him to come out on his own. This is no easy feat, but it can be done with consistent prodding. Intentionally making incorrect wrestling references, like calling Steve Austin’s finisher the “Stone Cold Masher” or saying Buff Bagwell was in the original Four Horsemen will cause the Closet Fan’s circuits to overload. Eventually he will out himself as a closet fan out of overwhelming frustration. If that doesn’t work then take him to a hospital, because he’s likely to have an aneurism due to the stress you put on his brain by referring to the Ultimate Warrior as “the best technical wrestler of all time.”

3) The Entitled Fan

The Entitled Fan is a creature that feels professional wrestling owes him for his years of dedicated fandom. Entitled Fans have a desire to be acknowledged for their years of loyalty, and usually react with hostility when wrestling is portrayed in a negative light. Despite their lack of experience and knowledge on the business, Entitled Fans believe that they know what is best for the industry as a whole, and feel genuine anger when their opinion is rejected.

What are the symptoms?

The Entitled Fan has a hard time keeping his emotions in check. His entire world is centered on things going the way he thinks they should. If he doesn’t get his way this dissatisfaction could lead to temper tantrums even five-year-olds find immature. Since the Entitled Fan is such a bi-polar mess, it is hard for him to find anyone to stomach his presence long enough to get his frustrations out. This has lead to the Entitled Fan’s obsession with recording long-winded rants and posting them online. You Tube is a gold mine of Entitled Fans that let out their frustrations in unintentionally hilarious video outbursts.

Notice how the Entitled Fan uses his body language to convey his anger. Entitled Fans are notorious for excessively using the words “fuck” and “asshole.” They also have a tendency to randomly throw middle fingers at the camera while screaming nonsensical threats to wrestlers and management alike. Many studies believe that the Entitled Fan’s middle fingers are naturally extended when a fist is made, but not enough evidence has been gathered because no one really cares.

Is there a cure?

There are a few ways to get rid of an Entitled Fan. The most common and effective way is to continually mock his favorite wrestlers and opinions, call attention to his childish behavior, and enlist others to rally behind his expulsion. Eventually he’ll leave out of sheer frustration, only to go home and make a video for his followers on You Tube to mock. The other way is to agree with his delusional sense of entitlement, lure him into a false sense of security, and then hit him in the head with a hammer. This option is universally considered more fun, and will give you a measure of satisfaction to go along with your momentary peace.

2) The “Smark” aka The Know-It-All Fan

“Smark” is a term created by the internet community to describe a fan that enjoys pro wrestling despite or because he knows that it is staged. They are perpetual know-it-alls who believe they are better than most wrestling fans due to a false sense of superiority they gain from the “knowledge” they gain from wrestling gossip websites. Their inflated egos make them pariahs in the wrestling community, and are usually treated with hostility when identified. A “Smark” cannot fathom anything that is considered fun, so he will degrade and ridicule anything that others are trying to enjoy by subtlety dishing out demeaning comments and useless “facts” until everyone is as miserable as him.

What are the symptoms?

“Smarks” are similar to Entitled Fans, in which they think they know what is best for the business and want to be acknowledged for their understanding of the industries ins-and-outs. Where they differ is that “Smarks” not only keep their emotions in check, but can effectively use your emotions against you. “Smarks” are word spinners and shit stirrers, and can manipulate a conversation without anyone realizing it. “Smarks” are intelligent masters of manipulation, and can be extremely dangerous to anyone who is unaware of their power.
The best way to out a “Smark” is to praise John Cena or Triple H in their presence. “Smarks” are notorious haters of anything popular, and will never turn down a chance to bash what they consider to be the two most despicable men in the industry. While this is the easiest way to identify a “Smark,” it is also the most dangerous. Once you get a “Smark” going about Triple H’s backstage pull or Cena’s lack of wrestling ability, you will be caught in a whirlwind of pretentiousness and elitism that very few can survive.

Is there a cure?

There is no cure for “Smarks.” Much like the common zombie, you can either join them or kill them. While we here at the John Report do not endorse killing in any way, we would like to point out that if you choose the latter, you might want to have a shovel, some lime, and a gallon of bleach handy.

1) The “Mark” aka The Crazy Fan

The “Mark” is the worst kind of wrestling fan. The term mark has a duel usage in the wrestling community. It can refer to a fan who believes that the characters and events of some or all of professional wrestling are real, or to a fan who idolizes a particular wrestler, promotion, or style of wrestling to a point some might consider excessive. Either way, a “Mark” is someone that must be avoided at all costs, for their idiocy knows no bounds.

What are the symptoms?

“Marks” are easily identifiable by their over-eager displays of fandom. “Marks” are a parent’s worst fears come true: wrestling finally making their child go crazy. The key to balancing a normal life with wrestling fandom is shame, and “Marks” feel none. A “Mark” will dress up as the Undertaker to go to a funeral because they simply don’t give a shit. A “Mark” will shout at the TV and will be entirely convinced that his words have an effect on the program.

“Marks” are dangerous creatures, because they are borderline retarded. Here we have a guy who is not only a “Mark,” but he is proud of it.

I stated that there are two definitions of a “Mark,” but what worries me is I can’t really figure out which one this guy is. He’s obviously disturbed, but I’m not entirely convinced he’s as retarded as he appears. Regardless, his behavior is a perfect example of a “Mark”; loud, violent, and dumb.

Is there a cure?

The only cure for a “Mark” is another “Mark” of equal insanity. It will go on for months and will cost hundreds of lives, but eventually they will destroy each other in an the same kind of apocalyptic nightmare that destroyed the dinosaurs.

Guest Blogger Simon Woods: A Breakdown of the 2009 Oscars

2010-02-04T02:22:00.001Z

Before I begin, I wrote a guest blog over the summer wherein I attacked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, and in turn I was attacked by people sticking for such a work of genius. Several Razzie nominations later, and I will accept your apologies now. That bit of pettiness aside, I’d like to take a look at the movies nominated and weigh in on how I think it will and should go (not usually the same). The big movie this year is Avatar. Technically this was one of the greatest movie making achievements ever. I will get into my admiration and criticism of this movie later, but I want to acknowledge the sheer achievement that this movie is. Also, by the time the Oscars hit, it will likely be the highest grossing movie ever. That is an amazing achievement. Does making money make a Best Picture? No, but that doesn’t disqualify it either. Let’s take a look at the other categories before Best Picture.

Obviously every technical category from cinematography to visual effects to editing will go to Avatar. If the Academy wants to invent new categories to give to Avatar, I wouldn’t mind. However, such a technical juggernaut makes discussing these categories a waste of time. Hell, nominating any other movies was a waste of time. So moving along…

Best Supporting Actor

The rest of this column will be guess work admittedly. I think I can make a pretty good guess, but this category is my stone cold lock of the century. Never have I seen such a one sided race. Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds gave one of the greatest performances of the decade. He is the absolute best villain since Anton Chigurh in No Country for Old Men, with all due respect to Heath Ledger’s Joker. (Side note: the last few years this category has gone to a villainous performance, even more cementing this category.) The rest of the nominations are pedestrian, filler because there have to be 4 other nominations. Stanley Tucci gave a nice performance in an awful movie in Lovely Bones, but that is the only other performance even worth noting. Christoph Waltz’s evil lurking under that polite demeanor is the most memorable thing about an absolutely memorable movie.

Best Supporting Actress

This also isn’t even close. Mo’Nique gives the performance of a lifetime, or so I have heard, because Precious is the one of these movies I haven’t seen yet. I have seen scenes, though, and Mo’nique gives a visceral performance as an abusive mother that thinks she’s doing the best performance. There isn’t really much competition in this category either, and if I had seen Precious, I might feel as strongly about Mo’nique as I do Christoph Waltz. The two from Up in the Air were nice but it was DEFINITELY George Clooney’s show. Nine was the disappointment of the Oscar season, and Penelope Cruz was NOT the bright spot. Man, I need to see Precious.

Best Actress

This is the first time there is a difference between what I think WILL happen and what I think SHOULD happen. The hype surrounding a nomination is usually a good indication of who will win it, and the most hyped nomination in this category is definitely Sandra Bullock. The Blindside was an alright movie, but in a year, I won’t even remember it existed. Sandra Bullock wasn’t anything special, and had a very stereotypical part. I have never thought she was very good in anything, but she is inexplicably one of the most popular actresses in America. Although, I think she should automatically be disqualified since she was nominated for a Razzie in the same year. Once I see Precious, I may decide to go with Gabourey Sidibe, since it definitely seems that she gives a phenomenal performance as an abused, pregnant inner city teen. It is the part that Oscars are made of.

Since I haven’t, my pick is the Oscar stalwart Meryl Streep playing real life chef Julia Child in Julie and Julia. She is always awesome, and this year is no different. I have seen clips of Julia Child, and Meryl is dead on. This is the most spot on performance of a real person since Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote. One can never go wrong with Meryl Streep, but Sandra Bullock has the people on her side, and this year the Academy is determined to give the people what they want. Thing is, until Avatar came and saved us, the people made Razzie nominee Transformers the highest grossing movie of the year.

Best Actor

This is a two man race. Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela, which seems a role to which Freeman was born to play, but he didn’t deliver. He was average, and uninspired, and was hamstringed by playing Mandela in a sports movie. George Clooney, as he often does, gave a great performance in Up in the Air, but not quite enough to give him Best Actor. It seems every year I say “Man, Clooney was good, but…” I’m really starting to feel bad about it. Christopher Plummer is filler. This category boils down to Jeremy Renner in Hurt Locker and Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. Jeremy Renner plays a bomb defuser in Iraq who is addicted to adrenaline, and is constantly putting himself and his squad in jeopardy. Jeff Bridges is a washed up country singer looking for a second chance. Both performances were top notch. They were both so likeably flawed that you couldn’t help but root for them. Jeff Bridges made me cry, but Jeremy Renner made me awe at the complexity of his character, and that is why I choose him. I believe the academy will choose Jeff Bridges, and I don’t blame them, but by far the most morally complex character of the year was Jeremy Renner’s in The Hurt Locker.

Best Adapted Screenplay

This is one of those teller categories. Almost every year, the best picture wins one of the two best screenplay categories. Again, I haven’t seen Precious, but I believe it will win. It really does sound amazing, and it is getting the backing from the emotional crowd. If Up in the Air is a legitimate threat to win Best Picture, I could see it winning also. These are the only two with a real chance to win. District 9 overachieved to even be nominated, and An Education and In the Loop are two independent to be taken seriously.

Best Original Screenplay

This could be the battle that wins Best Picture. I believe there are 4, maybe 5, real candidates for Best Picture, and the two top are Inglourious Basterds and The Hurt Locker. One will be eliminated by not winning this category. Tarantino’s Basterds is his finest work since Pulp Fiction, which did win this category long ago. Mixing witty dialogue with a heart-pounding story and shocking violence is a winning formula. Killing mass amounts of Nazis doesn’t hurt either. The Hurt Locker is much more emotional a tale. It is tense, and seemingly main characters are snuffed out when least expected. It is also a hardcore examination of what it’s like to be a soldier, and in maybe the most dangerous occupation in the most dangerous place for it in the world. It is handled deftly and believably. All the characters are written like people you know. I am split down the middle on this one, and I have no idea who the Academy will pick. I believe whoever wins this battle has the inside track on the most coveted prize of all, Best Picture.

Best Director

I would love to see this award go to Quentin Tarantino. I have loved him for so long, that now that he is nominated, it would be great to see him win. However, and I feel like a traitor for saying this, I don’t think he was the best director this year. Kathryn Bigelow and Jason Reitman have both made movies I have loved. I hope that one year I see both of them win a Best Director, but not this year. I haven’t seen Precious, but even if I had, I don’t think it would change my mind on this at all. James Cameron MUST win this award. He worked on this movie for years, developing the technology and waiting until it was able to be made. Avatar is a technical achievement, the likes of which the movie industry hasn’t seen since Star Wars back in 1977. He took the gimmick of 3D and made it mean something. He didn’t just make something pop out at you, he used 3D to bring you into his world. He used it to tell his story, and it worked SO well. Regardless of whether Avatar is Best Picture material, you have to give James Cameron this award for what he achieved with this movie. He has changed the face of film making and none of these other directors can say that.

Finally, this brings us to the main event, the one award that makes the Oscars good or bad, correct or incorrect, the Academy film geniuses or no-talent hacks: Best Picture. I will rank each one of them for you, and since the field has expanded from 5 to 10 as to accommodate popular movies, I will tell you whether or not a movie would have been nominated anyway or is just to appease the masses.

Best Picture

10. District 9- This movie has overachieved so much by being nominated for anything, I just can’t see it winning. I suppose the lynchpin for this nomination is that it is a Sci-fi movie with heart and a real message. If that weren’t the same description as the technologically superior Avatar, I could take this nomination more seriously. One thing it does have going for it though is that Sharlto Copley gave an amazing performance, and him not being nominated for best actor is one of the only snubs I think there were this year. I believe this an add-on.

9. An Education- This nomination is a nod to those people who delighted in the years when Oscar Nominations were reserved for movies no one had ever seen. It is a coming of age story about a girl learning about herself and the world with one Hell of a performance from Alfred Molina as her father. I don’t think this has much of a chance, because this is the year of mainstream and it definitely doesn’t appeal to that. I believe this is just filler.

8. A Serious Man- A great updating of the Book of Job. It is awesome how the Coen Bros. slyly adapt works into movies you never see coming. O Brother Where Art Thou from the Odyssey is in the same vein. This doesn’t have the star power or the emotional impact that the legitimate contenders have, but it does have the Coen name, and that is why a believe it is added on.

7. Up- Expanding the number of nominees to include more popular films means that the Academy will be looking to family films too. Pixar has cornered the market on entertaining family films. This is the current Pixar film, and thus it was nominated. I don’t believe this has as legitimate a shot as previous Pixar films like Wall-E or Finding Nemo. That isn’t to say I don’t think it belongs. There are not many films that had the emotional impact or sheer likability this one had. In fact, maybe the only ones that do are the movies higher on this list.

6. The Blindside-This movie has a good combination of family drama and real life to it. This is based on a true story, and the real story is feel-good and inspiring. This movie does a good job of capturing those aspects. Sandra Bullock is noticeable I guess, but I felt the acting was this movie’s major flaw. That and it doesn’t have much new to say. Sure it’s based on real life, but that doesn’t mean it changes the way we see the world or anything. I definitely think this movie was added to the list to appeal more to the masses, but it does have its worth. But, like I said earlier, I won’t even remember it a year from now.

5. Precious: Based on the Novel by Sapphire- This is the one I haven’t seen, but hopefully I will by the time the Oscars come around. I put it at number 5, because I think it has potential to be much higher, but I don’t know for sure. It has the makings to be the most real picture of inner city poor since The Wire, which is a very good story to be compared to. It looks very moving. In fact, the scenes I have seen made me tear up, and I didn’t have any concept of the context. I fully anticipate weeping like a baby, but I am excited to see this anyway.

4. Up in the Air- What can I say? Another near miss by Jason Reitman and George Clooney. They are both talented enough to win awards, but year after year it seems their competition is just a little better. Clooney was also money this year with The Fantastic Mr. Fox. I look forward to the day that Jason Reitman and George Clooney both reach the promised land. I just don’t think it’s this year.

3. Avatar- As I said earlier, James Cameron was the Best Director of the year, and this movie is a technological achievement. It deserves many accolades. Best Picture isn’t one of them. Movies tell stories. The biggest weakness of this movie is its story. That is a pretty big liability. Without 3D, Avatar would just be another Sci-fi movie. It should be recognized for what it has achieved. It didn’t achieve best picture. All the money in the world can’t by original ideas and emotional impact. Another bad sign is that this wasn’t nominated for any screenplay awards. As I said before, those are almost sure telltales of the Best Picture and Avatar isn’t even nominated. I would not be surprised if this won though, because Titanic suffered all the same issues and faced much stiffer competition from LA Confidential.

2. The Hurt Locker- This really should be 1A. I have debated with myself over whether this or Inglourious Basterds is more deserving of an Oscar since I saw this. I own both of these movies, and could watch either one over and over. I excitedly talk of the merits of both with my friends and vehemently recommend both to anyone who hasn’t seen them. In the end I didn’t choose against this because of any deficiency here, but more as a commendation of the Basterds. This has realistic and complex characters played by great actors in intense, morally trying situations. What more could one ask for? If the Academy goes this way, I will be ecstatic.

1. Inglourious Basterds- When I first saw Pulp Fiction, it changed my perception of what movies could be. I thought Tarantino had earned my loyalty for a lifetime. However, over the last ten years, Tarantino made one piece of crap after another, and my impatience for failure eroded my love for him. With Inglourious Basterds he has won me back with a vengeance. All the great features of Pulp Fiction are back. His magnetic characters reciting the most amazing dialogue ever written played by Hollywood Heavyweights playing against type, maybe even creating a new type for themselves. From one intense situation to the next, Tarantino orchestrates one of the most delightful ballets of destruction ever caught on film. He does it his way. No convention gets in his way, not even history. It is brave film making, and it pays off in a huge way. If this wins, the Academy will have gotten it perfectly right, regardless of whatever happened the rest of the night. That right there should tell you that the odds of this winning are slim, but stranger things have happened…

I’m not always right, but I like to think I am. Thank you for reading this, and feel free to disagree with me, just don’t dare say Transformers got snubbed.

Sports Entertainment Weekly: Jan. 21, 2010-Jan. 28, 2010

2010-01-29T00:55:00.010Z

This week, in Sports Entertainment...

WWE Wants Conan O'Brien to Host RAW

WWE has reportedly been tossing around the idea of trying to secure Conan O'Brien as guest host of a future edition of RAW. However, there is no word on whether he would even consider the role.

Vince, I know you like to use desperate, shameless celebrities to raise your ratings, but all they are good for is shilling their latest ventures on your show and screwing up the names of your talent. I don’t think Conan will go for this. He might be out of work right now, and his shows might have featured Vomiting Kermit, Preparation H Raymond and the Masturbating Bear, but he has some dignity.

Santino Marella to Star in Sitcom

WWE is currently working on a sitcom starring Santino Marella, Beth Phoenix, and Vladimir Kozlov. "In two weeks, we're filming the first three episodes," Santino said. "It will air at first on the dot com, then after that we will get t to a network television."

This headline is too hilarious to not be true. I like Santino, I really do. But, I have no desire to see the crazy shenanigans of a bad Italian stereotype, a larger than average female with little to no acting ability, and a mentally retarded Russian. I don’t know why Vince is so embarrassed of his WWE product that he has to constantly seek out new mediums to fail in (see XFL). I wish you luck Santino, but I think I'd rather watch a show about Viscera eating a plate of cheeseburgers for a solid hour.

Miz to Win the Royal Rumble?

It’s been reported that The Miz is currently leading WWE.com’s pole asking fans to pick their favorite RAW superstar to win the Royal Rumble. The Miz seems to rank number one with 68% overall, beating the likes of Triple H and Shawn Michaels. At first this seems highly unusual for a mid-carder to be dominating in the poles, but it needs to be noted that The Miz’s mother has access to the internet. Most likely she got her bridge club to log on and vote for him continuously so he could get the confidence boost he sorely needs.

Issues at Rey Mysterio Autograph Signing

Reports indicate there were apparently problems at a Rey Mysterio autograph signing this week at a Chicago K-mart. The deal was that if you purchased $35 worth of WWE merchandise, you got an autograph with Rey. Apparently Mysterio arrived late and then had to leave for a WWE live event while lots of people were still in line. Things got out of hand as the enraged fans rushed him. In the interest of comedy I’m going to assume they got him confused with a rare Rey Mysterio action figure and were attempting to claim this very life like collectable.

TNA Expected to Go to Monday Nights Full Time

The story backstage in TNA is that the company will be moving IMPACT to Monday nights permanently, maybe as soon as March. This is big news, mostly because it is issuing in a new Monday night war. Wow, it’s only January and we’ve already repeated two television wars! Maybe we can throw in Jay Leno and have a battle of the played out and boring.

This new Monday night war is ten different kinds of unexciting. I fully expect the WWE to down play TNA’s impact (no pun intended) on the ratings, and continue to shove mediocrity down our throats. TNA isn’t looking like they could do any better, considering they are pushing Orlando Jordan and the Nasty Boys. If the RAW/Nitro war was like WWII, and Smackdown vs. RAW was the Civil War, then the RAW/IMPACT! war is shaping up to be as long and captivating as the Anglo-Zanzibar War.

What, you don’t get the joke? Look it up, lazy.

Chris Jericho and The Hurricane Arrested

WWE superstars Chris Jericho and Gregory Helms were arrested in Kentucky early Wednesday morning when police were called to a gas station and found the wrestlers "extremely intoxicated" and fighting. There is also a claim that Helms punched a woman who happened to be in the near vicinity of their drunken rampage. If Gregory Helms did indeed punch a woman, he clearly did so after Jericho encouraged him to pop her one for running her mouth.

Helms might get punished for this, but he's the friggin Hurricane, so they really can't do anything worse than they already have. Not Jericho, though. That dude is bullet proof. God, I love Jericho. He's awesome in the ring, he's the best on the mic, and he doesn't put up with a woman's bullshit. And, he doesn't get punished for it! He's more manly than Bruce Willis and a shark riding a tandem bike through a flaming building.

Smell ya later,

-Johnson

My Version of the New Twilight Graphic Novel

2010-01-26T00:53:00.002Z

Recently Stephenie Meyer announced she is launching a Twilight graphic novel series. As expected I took this as a personal insult. Stephenie Meyer has crossed a line that cannot be uncrossed, and pushed our feud into the realm of apocalyptic nightmares. I’ll admit I might have been a tad harsh when I reviewed her travesty she called a novel, and I might make the occasional joke at her expense, but I’ve never made it personal. Stephenie Meyer has now made it personal by dragging her greasy sausage fingers across the key boards to inscribe what will probably be the mecca of bullshit comic book writing.

She couldn’t be content with her stranglehold on the young-adult-soft core pornography-retarded-teenage girl market, so now she’s stepping into MY HOUSE. To be fair I’m not officially a graphic novel author yet, but it will become all the more difficult to break into the medium now that this abortion is in the works. In response to this outrages attempt to piss me off I went ahead and beat her to the punch. I wrote my own Twilight graphic novel, and I can honestly say it’s already better than whatever literary spermicide she was ready to unleash upon the world. While I’m looking for publishers, I’ve decided to give you all a special preview. Enjoy!

***

Viva La Coco

2010-01-24T02:00:00.010Z

Last night Conan O'Brien ended his long NBC career with Will Ferrell in a wig and jamming out to "Free Bird." For me this was one of the more emotional and inspirational moments in television. For a man who has every reason to be angry and spiteful at a company that has lied to him and thrown his dreams in the gutter, he closed out his NBC tenure with class.

I've been a fan of Conan O'Brien since high school. Conan was the first late night talk show host that I made a connection with, so I'll admit that this situation has affected me pretty hard. But, there are many fans that feel just as I do and rallied behind Conan in support. Also like me, there were many that felt more than just sympathy for Conan, but also genuine anger.

I've always been a fan of NBC. It's the home of "Seinfeld," "The Office," and "Saturday Night Live." It was my favorite network and I was proud to root for all of their programs. To say I'm disappointed in them right now is an understatement. I feel like all these years I've been betting on the wrong horse. NBC's treatment of Conan has been nothing more than atrocious, and I'm upset with myself for ever believing that NBC would be different than any other network. It's a betrayal that I will not soon forget.

But, in the midst of all this Conan has not only persevered, but made a horrible situation fun. To see him react with such class and joy is nothing short of inspirational. At the close of the show Conan thanked his fans, and encouraged everyone that hard work and kindness will always win out over negativity and cynicism. To see a man who has been rejected and passed over for something he has worked immensely hard for, and take it in such stride brought a great close to his legacy of laughter on NBC.

I'm sure this isn't the end. Conan will be back again on a different network, and his fans will follow. Hopefully wherever he ends up he'll have Andy, Max, and La Bamba with him. Until then, Conan's fans can reflect on the fact that he is as loyal to us as we are to him.

Thank you Conan O' Brien. Thank you for the laughter, and the memories. Thank you for Vomiting Kermit, Pimpbot 5000, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Thank you for "In the Year 2000/3000" and "Celebrity Secrets." You've redefined comedy and become the Johnny Carson of our generation. You have the loyalty and eternal gratitude of your fans.

Oh, and don't worry about the Masturbating Bear. I hear he's getting a guest shot on "Law and Order: SVU."

We love you, Coco. We'll see you again soon.

-Johnson

Sports Entertainment Weekly: Jan. 14, 2010-Jan 21,2010

2010-01-21T17:55:00.020Z

This week, in Sports Entertainment…

Jerry Springer to Host Raw

WWE.com has reported that Jerry Springer will be hosting the February 15^th edition of Monday Night Raw. When asked for comment, people around the United States nodded their heads and said “That sounds about right,” before going on with their day.

When asked why he was doing the show, Springer said, "Because they asked." Springer followed that comment by saying "I do stupid things!"

Hey Vince, Jerry Springer thinks hosting your show is a bad career move. I was going to try and come up with a punch line but I think the set up is funny enough.

Bubba the Love Sponge Gets Beat Up by a Woman

Early this week radio talk-show host and TNA backstage personality Bubba the Love Sponge made some Twitter comments about Haiti that even a raging douche bag would find questionable. Bubba, who fancies himself as “cutting edge,” and “extreme” basically told the people of

Haiti

to go fuck themselves. This is a quote from his Twitter page;

"I say fuck hati. Why do we have to take care of everybody our country is in shambles. Bubba"

This reportedly upset Awesome Kong, who is what scientists believe to be the closest living relative to Big Foot. When her handlers were unable to subdue her with raw steaks and tranquilizers, she rushed Bubba and mercilessly beat him to a pulp. Bubba was sent home by TNA management for being a cock sucker who got what he deserved, while Kong was eventually restrained and lead back to her cage with bacon strips.

“WWE is More than Wrestling” Says WWE Exec

Early this week a WWE executive named Donna Goldsmith said one of her biggest challenges as a WWE executive is “dispelling misconceptions” about WWE that includes the use of “pro wrestling” to describe WWE’s business.

Goldsmith said, “That term just doesn’t give us the credibility we deserve…the magnitude and size of our business makes us much more than professional wrestling.”

When asked for a comment the rest of the entertainment industry just laughed hysterically.

TNA Tells Fans to Behave

Prior to Monday's TNA IMPACT! taping, members of TNA's production team addressed the Impact Zone fans with instructions about "how act like cast members" during the show.

"You are cast members here,” the production team said. “It's active, it's TV-14, please, I know its fun to try to distract the talent up here, but they have to tell a story to two million people. You're part of us. You're helping us tell the story. Please don't try and distract the story."

The director also told TNA fans not to "throw up gang signs" or chant bad words during the show, because it makes the wrestlers cry. If violations continued then the fans would be kept after the show for detention, where they would be forced to clean the chalk boards and write essays about why swearing is bad. They said further disruptions would be dealt with firmer punishments, but TNA management doesn’t want to have to call the crowds parents.

Scott Hall Reveals He is Actually an Overweight Teenage Girl

Scott Hall was supposed to tag team with Kevin Nash at Genesis on Sunday, but that didn’t come into fruition. The rumor was that Hall was so disgusted with the sight of himself in tights that he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out. Hulk Hogan tried to persuade him out with chocolate bars and reassuring words, but was only successful after he promised they would both go to the homecoming dance stag, and would watch both “Twilight” movies back to back while they wrote fan-fiction.

After it was announced that Hall wouldn’t be on the card, wrestling fans the world over got together to buy him a huge cake as a thank you. They immediately canceled the order in angry disgust when they heard he was going to be replaced by Sean “X-Pac” Waltman.

The Rock Discusses Returning to WWE

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showed up to promote his new movie The Tooth Fairy on CBS's The Late Show with David Letterman this past Tuesday. When Letterman asked him about a possible WWE return, Johnson had the following to say:

"No, not necessarily for a match," Johnson said. "That provided me with a great platform, performing in front of people. So if I ever went back, it would be probably in the capacity of hosting and having fun on the show and entertaining and having a great time."

Normally I would cite a return to the WWE as a step backward, but when you’re plugging a movie called The Tooth Fairy going back to the well doesn’t really sound so bad.

Mr. Anderson Makes Mediocre Debut at TNA Genesis

On Sunday the former Mr. Kennedy, Ken Anderson, made his TNA debut. In a polite gesture the crowd pretended to care when he made his entrance, but it was mostly out of pity.

“We felt bad for him,” said fans in attendance. “You could tell he was really excited. We really didn’t care he was there, but when we didn’t react he got this sad look on his face. It was so pitiful we threw him a bone and gave him a half-hearted pop. It really seemed to pick him up.”

At first we didn’t know who he was,” the fans continued, “but we decided to play along. Then some kid in the 5^th row googled him on his iPhone and we realized he used to be kind of famous. Poor guy must have really fallen onto some hard times if he’s here. We’ve decided to keep humoring him until he gets hurt again. Apparently that happens pretty often.”

When approached for a post-match comment, Mr. Anderson could only get out a few words;

“They like me!” he said with tears in his eyes, “They really like me.”

See you next week,

-Johnson

Sports Entertaiment Weekly: Jan. 7, 2010- Jan. 14, 2010

2010-01-14T20:25:00.011Z

I decided that instead of creating a new blog, i'll just merge the two into one, and save myself from having to maintain two sites. I'll still do other articles, but for the most part I'll be doing this.

So, without further ado,(adieu? adoo?)

This week, in Sports Entertainment...

Steve Austin to Host Raw in March

The following is from wwe.com;

Less than two weeks before WrestleMania XXVI, WWE Hall of Famer "Stone Cold" Steve Austin hosts Raw on March 15. The WWE Universe should certainly mark their calendars for the legendary Rattlesnake's return, as it is sure to turn WWE’s flagship show upside down. Though it’s uncertain what will happen when Stone Cold takes his place at the head of Raw for one night only, there's no doubt that he'll be looked at as one of Raw’s most controversial special guest hosts.

That shirt is missing a sentence between "Raise Hell" and "Leave", it should include "Get Wasted On Cheap Beer That Usually Ends Up On My Shirt."

Uncertain what will happen? I’ve got three predictions of what will happen;

1) He’ll flip off the crowd.

2) He’ll drink copious amounts of beer.

3) He’ll drive a 4-wheeler around the ring while under the influence.

Throw in some midget abuse and you’ve got yourself a show. Way to go, PG rated WWE!

WWE Star Removed From Airplane

ewrestlingnews.com reports;

WWE's Sound Person Marc Lanciaux posted the following on his Twitter feed: "Thank you Tyler Reks for not only delaying our flight, but also for providing me with blog material. Nice knowing ya." The blog referenced tells the story of a flight he was on having to return to the airport from the runway due to an unnamed WWE wrestler demanding to be allowed off the plane. The wrestler (now presumed to be Reks) was concerned about noises coming from the plane's wings and claimed to know something was wrong with the plane because he was a pilot. He advised others to deplane also. No word on whether others followed suit, or whether there really was something wrong with the plane.

I have absolutely no idea who this person is.

I find it interesting that an employee who works for an organization that openly shares their disdain for any leaks pertaining to their company will intentionally release potentially embarrassing information on his personal Twitter account. Is your job that secure? Is there a shortage of “sound people” thus making you a hot commodity in the wrestling biz? I think it would be more fitting to say, “No Mr. Lanciaux, nice knowing YOU.”

Booker T/WWE Talks Fall Through

Humongous star in his own head Booker T has apparently been unable to secure a job with his former company…

nodq.com reports;

Booker T was close to returning to WWE, but negotiations fell through after the former World Heavyweight Champion asked for a deal that included a very limited number of house show dates. A well-placed source notes that he asked for "an HBK-style deal," which led to negotiations between both sides falling apart.

Here’s some helpful information for you Booker; that crown you wore on WWE TV wasn’t real. You are not a king. Stop expecting people to kiss your ass when the majority of today’s wrestling fans remember you as a delusional black man in a cape.

"It's a robe, dammit...A ROBE!"

McMahon Pissed at Hardy

nodq.com reports;

While Vince McMahon was no-selling Jeff Hardy appearing on TNA's three-hour Impact broadcast last week backstage, it's been said that he was "privately seething" over the former WWE Champion's decision to jump ship to the competition. As noted earlier, WWE promptly removed Hardy from its opening video montage.

“I wonder who Vince will take his anger out on?” I ask myself in an overly sarcastic tone.

Because of Jeff, Matt has become so acquainted with failure that many speculate they will be looking into buying a Florida time share together. I’m starting to wonder if Jeff’s behavior is related to all the noogies and brotherly beat downs Matt administered to him over the years, and this is just his sick form of pay back. If it is, I say kudos Jeff. Aside from Vince, no one can hold a grudge like you.

Bobby Lashley Staying with TNA

F4WOnline.com is reporting that although Bobby Lashley has signed an MMA deal with Strikeforce, he is still under contract to TNA and will continue working for the company. Great idea Lashley, try juggling a second job while preparing for fights against licensed skull crackers and death machines sent from the future. This is such a poor business decision for an active MMA fighter it makes the Wanderlei Silva Chiropractic and Spine Adjustment Center seem like a good idea.

Hogan Changing TNA

Many wrestling news outlets have reported that Hulk Hogan will be making several changes to the TNA product. He plans to highlight the younger stars while padding the roster with reliable veterans, up the production value, and get rid of the six-sided ring. Rumors of TNA being re-named “Hogan Knows Best” and centering on the self-destruction of a wrestling organization are still unconfirmed.

Boy, does that concept sound familiar...

Randy Orton is a Douchebag

Randy Orton took further steps this week in establishing himself as the biggest piece of shit in the wrestling industry. He started off by openly ridiculing his co-worker on national television…

johnreport.wordpress.com reports;

Remember Kofi/Orton/Cena last night on Raw? Randy going nuts yelling “STUPID!” It was definitely supposed to be the kick after watching it again. He shoves him in that position, then Kofi gets up. That’s what sets Orton off. Instead of the punt, he has to do the RKO and it looks pretty stiff. After the pin he gets up, yells “STUPID!” again and you can see him mouth “He fucked that up” or maybe “it” up. Bad sign for Kofi. It’s not like Kofi would get fired for this. It’s just that he was already getting de-pushed with all the losses to Orton and this won’t help.

Orton has a history of being a dick when things don’t go his way. Just ask Ken Kennedy.

Most Orton supports will attribute this behavior to his passion for the industry, as his professionalism will not allow him to settle for mediocre work. I would like to know what drug these supports take that makes one so delusional. I’m sure his professionalism is what drives him to mock his fans…

nodq.com reports;

A 15-year-old boy has accused WWE superstar Randy Orton of assault and battery on Tuesday night, and has filed a criminal complaint according to Press in Saugas, MA.

The boy accused Orton of spitting gum in his face and using profanity. Orton was also accused of saying "so sue me" when the boy's mother attempted to interject.

The incident is alleged to have taken place in the parking lot of Kowloon restaurant outside of Boston - a regular visiting spot for WWE stars when they are in the area.

Professionalism, thy name is Orton.

See you next week,

The Johnson

An Innapropriate Night Before Christmas

2009-12-24T21:20:00.003Z

Tips on How to Kick Ass at Monopoly

2009-12-11T03:03:00.004Z

Monopoly can be more than a frustrating game when you’re losing, but a victory can be more rewarding than a Nobel Peace Prize.

You'll probably work harder to win a game of Monopoly than he did to get this.

Unfortunately, for most losing at Monopoly exceeds irritation to the point of “Hulk-esque” flip-outs, causing the game to come to an abrupt end, and robbing the victor of their celebratory fist pumps and crotch chops.

ARRGH! HULK WANTED PARK PLACE!

Today I am going to share with you a few helpful tips that will end your Monopoly losing streak, giving you the overwhelming joy of financial success while not robbing you of your God given right to be an incompetent failure.

Tip #1: Know the House Rules

Parker Brothers' official instructions have long encouraged the use of "House Rules," specific additions to or subtractions from the official rule sets. Many casual Monopoly players are surprised to discover that some of the rules that they are used to are not part of the official rules.

What do you mean I can’t build hotels on Water Works? I call bullshit.

In order to strategize you need to know all of the rules. Jumping in without this knowledge will give you the same odds as a nameless red-shirted Starfleet officer on an unknown planet.

Guess which one isn’t beaming back up.

Before the game begins outline all of the rules, in detail, so there is no confusion. Keep in mind that there will be disagreements; they are inevitable, and unavoidable. You need to be willing to compromise. If you refuse to bend on the rules you are comfortable with than go ahead and quit, because you obviously can’t adapt well to change. Remember, the goal is not to win on your terms, the goal is to WIN.

Tip #2: Have a Strategy

Monopoly is a game of skill as much as it is a game of chance. You can’t help the roll of the dice, but you can make or break a game by having a plan. Watch the other players closely. Observe how they interact with each other, and how they react to getting certain properties. If you know what they want, you’ll have an advantage when it comes to trading.

While planning your strategy keep a few things in mind:

•    Buy as much property as you can at the beginning of the game, regardless if it fits into your strategy. You land on it, you buy it.
•    Be willing to adapt. You might not get the properties you were counting on, so be ready to change course at any moment.
•    Have back up contingencies. Never go in thinking your plan is fool proof. If you disagree, than I have a bridge you might be interested in.
•    Be patient. Impatience leads to poor trades and misguided investments, which in turn can lead to anger. If you get angry you’ll be prone to “Hulking Out” and no one will want to play with you anymore.

Anger also leads to hate, and then Yoda won’t let you be a Jedi.

Tip #3: Invest in the Right Property

Most people will try and invest in the high dollar, boner-inducing properties like Marvin Gardens, Park Place, and Boardwalk. These are considered to be the best properties on the board because of their high rent costs, but in reality they are landed on once in a blue moon, so your investment will see a smaller pay out than if you build on less valuable property. The safe thing to do would be to wait and build on these pieces after you have already established yourself elsewhere on the board. If you get cocky you’ll win as often as Stevie Wonder does at “I Spy.”

If he isn’t blind, then there is no excuse for this.

Strategically the best properties to buy and build on are the orange and purple properties. They are generally low cost, ($140 to $200) and have reasonable building fees. And, due to their proximity to the Jail space they are prime real estate. Everyone in the game is going to visit the jail during play, and when they finally get out those properties are going to be the ones they most likely land on. Red and yellow properties are also good, but the higher their price tag, the more it will cost to build on them. Start slow, and work your way up.

The cheap properties are nothing to sneeze at either. Most people compare these low dollar lots to the slums, but they can have certain strategic advantages. Because of their location to the GO space, hotels on Baltic and Mediterranean can take away another players salary (and then some) just after they make it. You know, just like a real slum.

Baltic Avenue

But, even though their locations make them worth investing in, their low pay out will keep them from being your primary properties. Look at these pieces as wild cards that can supplement your income as you build elsewhere.

As for utilities and railroads go, keep in mind that most dumb players will rely on them to win the game. But, their horrible judgment will be your advantage. In order to do that, you need to take into account that buying utilities is as like fantasy drafting Reggie Bush. It seems like a good idea at the time, but you'll end up with an empty roster spot and unmitigated shame. If you are building your Monopoly empire around your utility acquisitions, than slap your opponents for taking advantage of a retarded person.

Still, you shouldn’t pass up on them if the opportunity presents itself. Remember, stupid players value them highly, so you can use them as bargaining chips. They most likely won’t get you anything alone, but they can be used to sweeten the pot. Same goes for railroads. If you have all the four railroads they are a forced to be reckoned with, but acquiring all four of the properties without trading is unlikely. They are not worth trading your properties for outright, so it’s best to treat them the same way you do utilities. A railroad gives you an edge when dealing with morons, so collect that shit like they're Pokémon cards.

B&O Railroad, I choose you!

Tip #4: Trading

Trading can make or break a game. This is where you stop relying on luck and start relying on your mad negotiating skills. Here are some things to consider when it comes to trading:

•    Never trade in the first round of the game.

If you trade away properties before you’ve even passed GO than you are either a moron or someone who is preying on the inexperienced. Either way it’s a bad habit to start. You cannot accurately come up with a strategy unless you know what you’re working with. Let the board create a map for you to use in your attack. See where your opponent’s properties are and asses their value. Ask yourself questions like “How serious is he about building on light blue when he has two yellows?” Let the terrain build itself before you go charging in.

•    Never reveal your hand.

Always keep your game face on. Never give your opponent something they can use against you in a trade. If you huff and puff after someone buys Illinois because it played into your pre-game strategy, you’ve just given them a big juicy carrot to dangle over your head. Be indifferent to everything, and they will have nothing to tempt you with.

•    Never initiate a trade.

Initiating a trade instantly reveals to your opponent that they have something you want. If they’re smart (or an idiot who just wants to be a dick) they will try to use this against you. Let them pitch the trade, and the advantage will be yours.

•    Try to make deals privately.

You’re about to make a game making deal; trading Park Place for New York and Tennessee Avenues, completing your orange set. Just when you’re about to seal the deal another player chirps in, advises that it’s a bad move for them to make, and suddenly the deal is off. Interference in negotiations is a huge annoyance that can way on your patience and drag the game on for hours. If someone wants to trade with you, try and get them to walk away from the game to discuss the terms. If they refuse, introduce them to your middle finger and tell them to enjoy losing for the rest of their lives.

If you smile when you give them the finger there's a chance they won't flip over the board and quit.

• Never make a trade where you do not benefit.

You should never make a deal if you do not gain as much or more than the person you a trading with. If someone opens negotiations with you and they have nothing that you could use, be like D.A.R.E. and just say no. Do not take pity on other players because they are not doing well. Empathy is the enemy, and showing compassion is just as damaging as letting the table know your intentions. I don’t care if it’s your dear sweet grandma who has always taken care of you, during the game she is your nemesis, and it's your job to bankrupt and destroy her.

Take this bitch DOWN.

Tip #5: Keep Your Cool

Your emotional state is very important while playing Monopoly. If you spend the whole game bitching and moaning then not only will it be a miserable time for you, but it will ruin the fun for everyone else. If no one wants to play with you because you are a bad sport, how will you establish your dominance? Let petty things go. Who cares if your little sister insists on being the car? Let her have it, it has no strategic advantage. Take the shoe and kick the shit out of her all over the board.

These are the tears of VICTORY.

Stick to these tips and you should finally reach the top of the Monopoly mountain. That is, unless you're playing me. If you are, then go ahead and just quit early, because you're SCREWED.

The Johnson Brother Trilogy: Part 1: Johnson Brothers Around the World

2009-11-30T00:30:00.001Z

Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around Wellsburg! We should get out more."

I looked at him and scoffed, "What do you mean? We went to Follansbee just yesterday. And, the day before we thought of going to Steubenville, but didn't because that Designing Women's Marathon was on. We get out plenty."

"I'm sick of not doing anything Andrew! We should see the world..." he then extended his hand to me and shot me a warm smile that could melt the polar ice caps, "...we're...BROTHERS. We must do this...TOGETHER."

My frown instantly turned upside down as I took his hand, " Alright! But I declare that everywhere we go, we always wear the same cloths and always strike the same pose."

Adam nodded his head, "Agreed....BROTHER."

"You need to stop that."

He gently nodded his head in agreement, realizing how stupid he must have sounded.

"So, where do you want to go first?"

I shot to my feet in excitement, for I knew the perfect place to begin our journey...

...Paris!

In the excitement of the moment it took us quite some time for us to realize we were in the most romantic place on earth...TOGETHER. On the second day in the capitol of love, Adam got a little restless, and possibly creeped out by the realization of our predicament.

"Andrew, we need to leave. I'm bored out of my mind."

"What are you talking about? There are plenty of things to do here, take in the culture a little."

"I have been taking in the culture and you know what I've discovered? France sucks."

I stared at him in utter shock, "Adam, the French pride themselves on their culture!"

He rolled his eyes, "I don't understand why. All of their songs sound the same and the only movies they have worth watching are the ones with gratuitous nudity."

"Well what about the food," I asked, "have you tried any of their fine cuisines?"

At that point Adam's fist stopped right in front of my face.

"Let's face it," he said through gritted teeth, "No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back."

"Okay," I said, trying to calm his rage, "Where do you want to go?"

Adam looked up to the heavens and stared for about three hours. Just when the third episode of French Golden Girls began he came out of his thought induced coma.

"Oh I have the perfect place..."

"... China!"

"Adam, this was a horrible idea."

"Oh really Andrew, why is that?"

"Because we're in China."

Adam shook his head in disbelief, "Why is that such a bad thing?"

"Well, first and foremost it's a communist society that are firm believers in censorship. There is horrible pollution, it's noisy, and Michael Bay films are held in high regard."

Tears poured down Adam's eyes as he ran down the great wall screaming, "No! No! Transformers was horrible!"

We were longing for the old red, white and blue, so we decided to do some sight seeing in the land of the free. Our first stop...

...the Grand Canyon.

I stared out at the massive gorge, eyes glowing, "Look Adam, look at the majesty of the Grand Canyon. Such beauty cannot truly be described in words."

Adam was not impressed. " This is just a giant hole. Who cares?"

"Adam, do you even know how this hole was created?"

"Of course, Paul Bunyon farted so hard that it created a massive hole in the earth. After that a bunch of Aliens landed here and began excavating it for rock samples to help fly there ships into the sun. Then giant earth worms made this there home for generations until Teddy Roosevelt chased them out with only a walking stick and a flare gun."

I looked at Adam in complete amazement, "Exactly."

We then then high-fived so hard it made the canyon crumble into another even bigger canyon. We then peed over the ledge and chucked beer cans into the over-hyped hole.

"Let's just go home," Adam belched as grabbed the black Stetson hat he got at a gas station in Topeka, Kansas. "Were just about out of money and I want to make it back in time to watch Charles in Charge."

So we began our journey home, but sadly we stopped in Vegas and Adam lost most of our money on Keno.

We only had enough money to get us to...

...Wyoming.

Welcome to hell.

Guest Blogger Marcia Metz: I Knew I Should Have Made a Left After Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T03:53:00.001Z

***Spoiler alert*** If you still believe in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy and/or the Mexican Midgets, do not read this blog.

Most of my favorite childhood memories are from the Holiday’s. Waking up Christmas morning to find that the bribe I left with Snarky the Elf for the big man paid off as I had a massive stash of presents from Santa Clause, or the time that the Santa at the Mall was arrested coming out of the bathroom with my 3rd grade teacher after eating the brownies he made him.

I can remember the excitement building as we hit Thanksgiving because you knew you only had a few weeks left till Christmas. We would have Thanksgiving then take turns going through Toys R Us’ Big Toy Book marking all the items we wanted.

I can tell you I was never so dishearten to see that the Toys R Us toy book has been out since Oct. I had not even had a chance to wear my Xena Warrior Princess Halloween Costume and my grand mother was asking me what I wanted for Christmas this year. I am even getting adds for stores advertising for “ Pre-pre-pre Thanksgiving day Sales.” What is our world coming to that we start celebrating Christmas in October? I have a few ideas and people to blame for this madness.

CANADA

Why should a country that gives free health care to everyone care what day they celebrate Christmas. Heck to them everyday is Christmas when you get stuff free.

And, lets think about this, who else would benefit from having a holiday that is centered around snow and cold weather other than our neighbors to the North. Every day is Christmas to them. Boxing day? WTF.

What Boxing Day SHOULD be.

Has anyone ever actually been to the North Pole? I personally think that the North Pole was taken by the Canadian’s and was used as the crossbar for the Canucks all those years they won the Stanley Cup.

This here's a real big cup eh?

THE ROAMING GNOME

What is up with his white beard and jolly laugh of his. He is always on the TV and who does he remind us of? A certain larger jolly man with a white beard and very distinctive laugh. Come to think of it, besides the Santa’s at our local malls, has anyone really seen the actual Santa Clause? It makes sense, there is no way an obese man in a velvet suit could fit down the chimney let alone back up. Now if he was..say..a roaming gnome, he would have no problem in getting up and down. For all we know the “roaming gnome” is his gig in the off season.

WAL*MART

I also feel it is very important to blame Wal-mart. Wal-mart has the market corned on preemptive holiday buying. A few weeks ago I went to buy Halloween Candy and had to give out Easter Skittles to all the kids because apparently Wally World has their own calendar of holiday’s they abide by. It sucks major monkey farts.

And, there is nothing I like to do more then try on bathing suites when we have 2 feet of snow outside. I feel as though I need to take Mr. Wal-mart himself and spin him on the gnomes hat until his calendar is aligned with the rest of society because I don’t know about you but I love when I have to send out Martin Luther King cards to all my family because Wal-mart put away all their Christmas stock in October.

ECONOMY

Lastly I feel it is import to blame the economy, for no other reason than everyone else does when something poopy happens. It’s the economies fault that people are not spending or the economy is causing American’s to conserve this year on gifts. Oh our economy is the reason we can’t get health care reform passed and my personal favorite, the economy is the reason for global warming.

So this year when your children have Reese’s Easter eggs in their stockings or they have to look for pine cones at Easter, you now have the ability to blame someone for your procrastination, because if we were really good parents and family members we would have bought our Christmas Cards in July and Jelly Beans in September.

Questionable Sunday Comics

2009-11-24T02:28:00.045Z

Every Sunday I eagerly await my newspaper so I can delve into the worlds of my favorite comic characters. Usually their antics are goodhearted and fun, but every once in a while I'll find a cartoon that is...questionable at best. Today I have decided to share with you some of the more questionable Sunday comics I've come across.

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing any of the pictures, just click on them to see a larger image.)

***

My Quest to Find Out if the Prince of Persia Movie is Real

2009-11-18T02:26:00.006Z

Recently Disney released a new trailer for their latest film venture, Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. It’s produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and stars Jake Gyllenhaal as the titular Prince. For those of you unaware of these Hollywood players, Bruckheimer is the man behind great films like Pirates of the Caribbean, as well as shitty films like Pirates of the Caribbean 2 & 3. Gyllenhaal is the emo kid from Donnie Darko who made out with Heath Ledger.
When I first saw the promotional poster it didn’t seem real to me. It looked like a fake movie poster you would see on Entourage.

If he’s Persian, where are his tacky silk shirts, gold chains, and designer sunglasses?

After the trailer was released, I was even more convinced it was a hoax perpetrated by Entourage. I simply couldn't allow myself to believe that someone was serious about making this a movie.

Why would somebody seriously make this?

In order to get to the bottom of this I decided to call up Entourage's network and find out what was the point of promoting an obviously fake movie.

(The below transcript is 100% real. Names were changed to keep me from being sued.)

Attempt #1

Operator: Showtime Networks Inc. how may I help you?

Johnson: I’d like to speak to whoever runs Entourage.

Operator: Sir that’s…

Johnson: Oh, sorry. I meant “whomever.”

Operator: Sir…

Johnson: The guy in charge is Marky Mark right? Put me through to him.

Operator: Sir you seem to be confused, this is Showtime. Entourage is on HBO.

Johnson: Dammit…

-CLICK-

Attempt #2

Operator: Time Warner, how may I help you?

Johnson: Son of a bitch...

-CLICK-

Attempt #3

Operator: Time Warner, how may I help you?

Johnson: Yeah, sorry…lord this is embarrassing…I’ve been trying to get a hold of HBO and I keep getting directed to you.

Operator: HBO is a subsidiary of Time Warner sir.

Johnson: Of course... a sub…dairy.

Operator: Subsidiary.

Johnson: Sub…way…sandwich.

Operator: It means that Time Warner owns HBO.

Johnson: Oh, ok now were getting somewhere. Can I talk to Entourage please?

Operator: Excuse me?

Johnson: I’d like to speak to the Entourage, like Marky Mark or Ari Gold.

Operator: Sir, what is the meaning of this call?

Johnson: I’m glad you asked. I’m a writer…for the INTERNET…

(I paused for the impressed gasp, but when I realized no gasp was coming, I begrudgingly continued.)

Johnson: ...And I was just wanted to ask them why they are promoting a fake movie.

Operator: Excuse me?

Johnson: Prince of Persia. They’re spending a ton of money on fake movie trailers and posters and I’m just wondering why? Is Darko going to be on the next season?

Operator: ...

Johnson: Is that a spoiler or something? Did you just get a spoiler alert?

Operator: Sir, I’m going to transfer you to someone that can answer your questions.

Johnson: Thank you.

(It took almost 30 minutes for me to realize she had simply hung up on me.)

Attempt #4

Operator: Time Warner, how may I help you?

Johnson: HBO, please.

Operator: One second.

HBO Operator: Home Box Office, how may I direct your call?

Johnson: Yes, I’d like to speak to Entourage, please.

HBO Operator: One second.

Johnson: Awesome.

Operator: Time Warner, how may I help you?

Johnson: This is bullshit…

-CLICK-

Attempt #5

Tricia: Jerry Bruckheimer Films, this is Tricia, how may I direct your call?

Johnson: Mr. Bruckheimer please.

Tricia: May I ask who is calling?

Johnson: This is...Speilberg.

Tricia: Speilberg?

Johnson: Yeah, you know who I am.

Tricia: Hold please.

(I can hear Tricia explaining to someone that a Speilberg is on the phone for Mr. Bruckheimer.)

Aaron: This is Aaron, one of Mr. Bruckheimer's assistants. Who is this?

Johnson: This is Speilberg.

Aaron: What's your first name?

Johnson: ...Um...Mister.

Aaron: ... Is this a prank call?

Johnson: Look I just have one question to ask Mr. Bruckheimer.

Aaron: Well I can give him your message.

Johnson: Is the Prince of Persia movie for real?

Aaron: ...What?

Johnson: Is this movie seriously being made?

Aaron: I don't...(whispers to someone in the background)...I don't understand what you're asking.

Johnson: I just want to know if this movie is real or if it's something made up by Entourage.

(PAUSE)

Aaron: Are you serious?

Johnson: Just answer the damn question.

Aaron: Yes, it's a real movie.

Johnson: Really? If its a joke and you just need to keep it under wraps, dude I get it. I won't say a word.

Aaron: It's a real movie.

Johnson: So it's not a hoax, perpatrated by Entourage?

Aaron: No.

Johnson: Can you check?

Aaron: No.

(PAUSE)

Aaron: Is there anything else?

Johnson: Yeah...can I get free tickets?

-CLICK-

Halloween Poems for Kids!

2009-10-31T01:36:00.002Z

Ghosts are Spooky!

Halloween is great, the ghosts rise from the grave,

And, fly through the cool autumn sky

They haunt little girls and little boys too!

But, you shouldn’t be scared, just say hi!

Most are friendly, like Casper and Boo

And just want to wish you well

Unless you get the ghost of John Wayne Gacey

Who will drag you with him back to hell

Yes, he kidnapped young boys

Their knees he would scrape

As he strangled them violently

After a brutal rape

So be good to your ghost friends

During the Halloween season!

Except John Wayne Gacey

Who will rape and murder for no particular reason

Trick or Treat!

Knock, knock, knock

on the door

Little feet tap the porch floor

Planning a little trickery fun

I open the door and show them my gun

Bang! Bang! Bang!

No more on the door

An electric chair, for me, I’m sure is in store

My Worst Halloween

Locked in closet, hidden away

I hide so no one can see

That I’m dressed as Michael Bay

I was proud to be him on Halloween day

But now I feel shame, please leave me be

Locked in a closet, hidden away

In my aviator glasses and directors beret

Thinking how jealous others would be

That I’m dressed as Michael Bay

I searched for props to help with my display

Finding Transformers, I don’t know why they would be

Locked in a closet, hidden away

“Action! Cut! More explosions!” I shout to children at play

They turn and looked angered, they could clearly see

That I’m dressed as Michael Bay

“Armageddon sucked,” they shout, “And, Bad Boys was gay!”

My heart sank, at that moment I wanted to be

Locked in a closet, hidden away

Now I am disgraced, and here I will stay

I do not want anyone to see

Locked in a closet, hidden away

That I’m dressed as Michael Bay

Halloween Night!

It's Halloween! It's Halloween!

The moon is full and bright

We shall see what can't be seen

On any other night

Skeletons and ghosts and ghouls

Grinning goblins with evil tools

Werewolves rising from their tombs

Witches on their magic brooms

Every year these beasts come out in cliques

To extort treats with the threat of tricks

I do the deed that others fear

I get rid of these creatures every single year

On a short little witch my machete went wild

I stabbed her; she cried “I’m only a child!”

Knowing this was some sort of witchy spell

I twisted the blade, and sent her to hell

A group of vampires screamed “We’re only ten!”

I said “Then have honor, and die like men!”

They scattered and ran, but my stake and my sword

Made all of them bleed as they prayed for their lord

I shot a werewolf with bullets made of silver

He cried and called for his mom while I dug out his liver

“I just want to go home!” I heard the mummy claim

As I doused him with gasoline and lit him aflame

A small goblin twitched as I quietly choked her

I unloaded an Uzi on eight unsuspecting Joker’s

I skinned alive Harry Potter and Hermione Granger

And axed at least a dozen blue Power Rangers

A skeleton cried “Please leave me be!”

I ignored him and used his neck as a golf tee

I busted a ghost, to him bullets I fed

His spectral white sheet now a bright crimson red

This is the norm, every 31st of October

The one time of year I refuse to stay sober

I might come to your town and help make it clean

From the demon spawn, hell beasts that come out on Halloween

It's Halloween! It's Halloween!

The moon is full and bright

We shall see what can't be seen

On any other night

WVU vs Marshall: Whose Side Are You On?

2009-10-22T04:45:00.003+01:00

West Virginia is a proud state that has many colleges claiming residency, schools such as West Virginia Wesleyan, Fairmont State, and Bethany College. But, none are as prominent as West Virginia University and Marshall University, the two biggest colleges in the state. Because of Marshall and WVU’s long standing history, many like to claim that the two universities’ are rivals and any interaction between the two should be seen as a major event, exploited by promotions that throw around the words “friends”, “coal”, and “of”.

The truth is that regardless of what ESPN and most idiots with a football hard-on want you to believe, Marshall and WVU don’t really see themselves as rivals. WVU and Marshall are more like two cousins that are forced to play against each other in tetherball while their parents drunkenly holler from their lawn chairs. They don’t really care who wins, they just want it to be over as quick and with as little fighting as possible. Unfortunately the brazen promotions and alcohol fueled fans who fill the stadiums and arenas for these events usually stir the competition pot, causing these two great schools to feign a heated rivalry that doesn’t really exist.

So today we are going to take an in-depth comparison at WVU and Marshall, and try to put an end to this debate once and for all. First up is the most important aspect of a universities merit, it’s most glorified characteristic, the determining factor that makes a university great…

Sports

If you thought I was going to say academics, than get your nose out of that book geek and go watch Sports Center.

The sports programs at WVU and Marshall are varied. Both have well-known basketball and softball programs as well as tennis teams, baseball, and rugby squads. But, none of these compare to their football programs. Both WVU and Marshall pride their schools on their respected football teams: the Mountaineers, and the Thundering Herd. Throughout the years both schools have seen tragedy (the 1970 plane crash that nearly killed the entire Marshall football program comes to mind) and glorious triumph (WVU’s Fiesta Bowl victory after the departure of head coach Rich Rodriguez, for example). Both have sired many NFL prospects that went on to great prominence, (Randy Moss, Chad Pennington, and Byron Leftwich from Marshall; and Steve Slaton, Marc Bulger, and Amos Zereoué from WVU).

You can make a compelling argument for both school’s football programs, but lets be honest, WVU is going to beat Marshall 10 times out of 10. Saying WVU is going to beat Marshall is like saying beer is delicious or boobs are awesome; you’re just restating facts. WVU has gone undefeated against Marshall in all four years of the current seven-year contract. I don’t understand how such a lopsided series could be called a rivalry, but for the sake of the argument I’ll count it.

Winner- WVU

Academics

Both Marshall and WVU have strengths and weaknesses when it comes to higher education. WVU has more students, so naturally they will have bigger classes and less student/professor interaction. Marshall is considerably smaller, allowing students the opportunity to get a more intimate experience. Also, smaller class rooms means less lectures and more discussions, encouraging more independent thoughts and expressions.

"Yes, you can have an opinion, but that doesn't make you any less of a moron."

On the other hand, more students means more income, and WVU utilizes that revenue by providing top of the line equipment Also, they simply have more majors to offer than Marshall, making them stand out to high school seniors. Also, WVU has more graduate programs, making it the place to be after your undergraduate work is complete. This is a tough call, but I’m going to have to go with WVU solely on the fact that they don’t have the Marshall Plan; a mandatory curriculum Marshall imposes on all its students to make them more “well-rounded,” but is really designed to keep you in school longer and drain your bank account.

Winner-WVU

Campus

Marshall University’s campus is ideal for students. All of the colleges are centralized in one area, making it relatively simple to commute from one class to the other. Also, it’s flat, so there is no straining to carry a bag full of books up several large hills while trying to make it to class in time. The student center is smack dab in the middle of campus, making it a great place for social interaction and student events. Marshall is also the home to a new state-of-the-art fitness center, that includes an Olympic sized pool and a new climbing wall. Marshall also seems to be moving toward the future. Recently they opened a new research center, several dormitories, and have constructed an impressive Alumni Center that alone makes smaller schools in West Virginia seem like piles of crap.

WVU has no central location. It’s sprawled all over the city of Morgantown, and is plagued with rolling hills that make commuting a chore. WVU rarely constructs new facilities, choosing instead to update and renovate older buildings. WVU does have the PRT (Personal Rapid Transit) which shuttles students around the city. But, it’s unreliable at best, breaking down frequently and taking precious time to fix. As far as convenience goes, Marshall reigns supreme.

Winner-Marshall

National Recognition

You might have heard of this movie that came out a few years ago that starred Jack from Lost and the shirtless pot head from those chick movies. It was called We Are Marshall and depicted the events that surrounded the 1970 plane crash that nearly destroyed Marshall’s football program and devastated the city of Huntington. The crash alone made national headlines, but Marshall truly gained recognition after Warner Bros. exploited the tragedy for financial gain. The movie was titled after the chant heard at sporting events, and has become integrated in pop culture.

While the film garnered mostly positive reviews, it failed to capture the national audience’s attention in the busy 2006 Christmas movie season. Recognition has always come easy for WVU, who’s nationally ranked football and basketball teams have lead many to believe they are the only university in the state of West Virginia. WVU is known nationwide, and they didn’t even need a mediocre movie to do it.

Winner-WVU

Student Safety

Just as they are known for their sports teams, WVU is also known as a major party school. But, its not your typical frat parties where togas are worn and inhibitions are thrown out the window. No, I’m talking about some really dangerous stuff. I was in Morgantown when the Mountaineers made it into the “Sweet 16,” and I literally feared for my life the entire evening. I saw people partying in the streets, couches burning in front lawns, and cops in full riot gear trying to control the chaos that had flooded the once quiet neighborhood.

I saw a car explode. I saw a car explode and watched people cheer. I then realized I had entered an unknown level of hell full of drunk college girls and arsonists, and it would take all of my wits to make it out alive.

Win, lose, they don't really care. WVU just want to see shit burn.

The fact that the words “burning” and “couch” are synonymous with WVU is a pretty sad state of affairs. Aside from the anarchy that happens when a sports team wins, there isn’t really much else WVU has to offer its student body as far as recreational activities, so its no wonder they’re boredom drifts them toward mayhem. The few activities they do bring in are tailored to fit the party mentality, so their student activities board isn’t doing them any favors. Marshall, on the other hand, has events planned throughout the year to help curb the need for destruction, and encourage their students to use their energy more constructively.

Marshall also has strict rules when it comes to on campus living. While having to subject your friends and family to security checks and sign-in procedures every time they come to visit might seem like a hassle, it helps ensure that Marshall’s campus is as safe as possible. The last time I visited a friend at WVU I saw a guy walk into his dorm with enough alcohol to get five Andre the Giant’s shit-faced, and no one said a word. Where do you think I felt safer?

Winner-Marshall

Location

Huntington, WV is a charming city that sits near the West Virginia, Ohio, and Kentucky borders. It is home to the "Central City" historic district in downtown, and is on the National Register of Historic Places. Some of it’s buildings date back to the 1800’s, and the Keith Albee Theater is a treasured landmark that's own storied history rivals broadway. And, in addition to embracing its storied past, the city is also building toward the future. The Pullman Square is a shopping center in walking distance from campus, and boasts state-of-the-art movie theaters, top-line clothing stores, various resteraunts, and a comedy club.

Morgantown, WV is a rolling hill of darkness whose evil rivals that of the land of Mordor. I have been to Morgantown many times, and I can say with utmost honesty that every time I am there, the sun is not. I don't know if its hidden behind a fog of couch smoke or it just flat out refuses to inhabit the town, but I have never seen the sun shine in Morgantown, WV. In 2005 I was traveled there on the hottest day of the summer. It had gone almost four weeks without rain, and there were no clouds on the horizon. But, as soon as I crossed the city line, the sky darkened and rain poured for the next three days.

Morgantown, WV.

Also, Morgantown is a pain to navigate through, and it's nearly impossible not to get stuck in traffic. There is nothing interesting to do that is within walking distance, and if you do find an activity to distract you from the monotonous gray skys, chances are it will involve copious amounts of alcohol. The city is too small to inhabit the amount of people living in it, so everyone is literally stepping over each other to get around. Why anyone would want to live in this city beyond academic persuits is beyond me.

Winner-Marshall

Due to Marshall's less than stellar sports teams and WVU's overall shitty location it's come down to a tie. Lets go to the final category to see which university is superior:

Tuition

College is the greatest racket in the history of mankind. It is a device used to exploit naive high school graduates whose fear of the unknown compel them to stay in school as long as possible. Tuition prices nationwide have gone up 6.5 percent in the past year, and are only going to get higher. Neither school should win for their vagrant abuse of the educational system.

Winner-Nobody

Since there was no tie breaker in place you would think that as a son of Marshall I would automatically give them the win. But, in a twist of M. Night Shamalamadingdong proportions, I am going to award the title of "Best University in WV" to West Liberty State University! Sure, they might barely be a university...hell they are barely even a school...but what they lack in academics, sports, and over-all excellence, they make up for with...um...crap. To be honest WLSU is basically high school, they just hand out degrees. But, they're cheap, and that's all it takes to win my favor.

Congratulations West Liberty, now show me to the enrollment building.

Blog Action Day 2009: How Climate Change and Rush Limbaugh COULD Shape the Future

2009-10-15T02:34:00.005+01:00

September 15, 2014. 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington DC. The Office of President Rush Limbaugh.

It's been almost two years since President Rush Limbaugh took office, and the world's climate has gone through horrifying change. The President's crusade against global warming awareness, (deeming it “liberal bullshit") has brought the world to the brink of environmental catastrophes of Michael Bay like proportions. Since The JohnsoNation has become the most reliable source of news in the country, I felt it was my duty to sit down with the President and discuss the current state of not only the country, but of the world itself. I entered the Oval Office and found him reviewing his approval rating; a staggering zero percent. Once a powerful radio personality and political leader, he was now a shell of his former self.

Johnson: Mr. President, thank you for meeting with me.

President Limbaugh: Not a problem, it’s great to get a chance to talk to the press. I used to do interviews daily, sometimes three or four if I felt like it. But, for some reason reporters have been particularly scarce.

Johnson: Yes, unfortunately the media has taken a large hit in numbers due to current climate problems.

Limbaugh: Yes, no doubt because strong willed American’s refuse to become a part of the liberal machine and conforming to their storm of lies and deceit.

Johnson: Actually Mr. President I think it’s because news reporting has become the single most dangerous job on the planet.

Limbaugh: Well, I don’t really see how that makes sense.

Johnson: It’s dangerous because it requires us to go outside, something the National Weather Council has specifically stated we shouldn’t do.

(The President looked down at his shoes and pretended not to hear me. I decided to continue anyway.)

Johnson: There have been more weather related fatalities in the United States over the past two years than there have been murders, vehicular accidents, and natural causes combined.

Limbaugh: Where did you get those facts? NBC?

Johnson: No sir, from the 2011 census.

Limbaugh: Well, aren’t weather related fatalities considered to be “Natural Causes?”

Johnson: They used to be sir, but the high volume of deaths related to volcanoes, hurricanes, and monsoons have caused the Bureau to create a new category.

(The President stood and made his way over to the liquor cabinet.)

Limbaugh: Hmm… no doubt Gore tampered with it somehow…

Johnson: Mr. President I'd like to begin by asking you a very simple question that I believe all Americans would like to know.

Limbaugh: Go ahead son, you know I've always been a straight shooter. I've never been afraid to talk about the big issues, and I'm not about to start now. What's your question?

Johnson: Considering the fact that you were presented with documented proof four years ago that global warming exists, and also considering the fact that you not only blatantly ignored the warning signs that lead you to steer the world toward a ecological disaster, I have really only one question: Are you an idiot?

(There was a long silence. The President and I sat for almost five minutes without saying a word. He looked off into the distance, as if he had completely lost himself in thought. After I made several hinting coughs and threw a pencil at him, he finally responded.)

Limbaugh: I know that it looks bad out there. I know this. I know this because I have a damn window and I can see that it's bad. It's mid-September and it has already snowed three times in the past week. Yesterday I watched the floor split in half while I was sitting on the toilet. But, these are not things that are in our control, this is just mother nature taking its course.

Johnson: Mr. President this is a very serious problem. Your strong stance against global warming awareness has caused CO₂ levels to increase dramatically in the past two years.

(He calmly poured himself a glass of scotch and noded his head in my direction, offering me a glass. I politely declined.)

Limbaugh: The liberal media wants to blame me for all of the world’s problems. I stand by my campaign and promise I made to the world that there is no such thing as global warming. Hell, it's not my fault that cows fart.

Johnson: Mr. President I think it’s clear that--

Limbaugh: Look, we have no control over the climate, this is fact. What I do is try to derive truth. I find the truth and expose it. There is no global warming. We are human beings, and there is not a damn thing we could do to cause or stop it. Things just happen.

Johnson: Mr. President in 2009 former President Obama worked closely with the United Nations to start a global move toward conserving our natural resources and cleaner fuel options.

Limbaugh: Oh God, here we go...

Johnson: In 2010 scientists around the world, both liberal and conservative, agreed that aerosol and fuel emissions were dramatically altering the earth’s climate.

(The President downed his glass of scotch and started to pour himself another.)

Johnson: In 2011 you began your aggressive presidential campaign by discrediting the green movement and their scientific findings. You focused your agenda completely on big government and how it was taking away freedoms by mandating our energy policies. You threw around words like “Social Terrorism” and “Anti-Capitalism," to scare older voters, and used the fear of being a social pariah to gain the youth vote. You used fear to rally the country against environmentalism and completely ignored the fact that we were on our way to an ecological disaster. So I must ask you again Mr. President... are you an idiot?

Limbaugh: Hold on a second there. Now it’s true that I may have avoided the climate change issue, but I did so for a better tomorrow. The Liberal’s "junk science" was based on questionable data. They used lies and deceit for so long its hard to judge when they are being honest. Besides, even though I don't buy into their findings, I have never done anything to cause harm to our environment.

Johnson: During your campaign you handed out aerosol cans to the voters and told them to “spray for freedom.”

(The President closed his eyes and pressed his fore finger and thumb on the bridge of his nose.)

Limbaugh: Look that was because…come on guy, really? You want to throw that in my face?

Johnson: In 2012 you won the election, and effectively banned all fuel sources that were not in favor of Halliburton’s new “Oil For Everything” campaign. Miraculously you managed to get U.N. backing, making Halliburton the most powerful company in the world.

Limbaugh: Look they had a great campaign model…

Johnson: Their campaign model was to replace every single energy source with oil. Even wind and hydro electric power were banned.

(His eyes grew wide, and his posture firmed. For a brief moment, he became the Rush Limbaugh of old as he spoke his next words.)

Limbaugh: Any other source of energy would have to be government mandated, and I am completely against big government.

Johnson: So you relied on a privately owned big oil company to handle not only America's energy crisis, but the world's?

(He slumped back into his familiar, impotent frame, and looked at me in confusion.)

Limbaugh: Huh? What are we talking about?

Johnson: You said “Any other source of energy would have to be government mandated, and I am completely against big government.”

Limbaugh: Did I? I guess it’s more of a reflex now. Look I admire people coming up with alternative fuel sources and so forth, but there is nothing wrong with oil. Halliburton’s campaign model promised that we would not run out of it for a long time.

Johnson: That’s true, but in January of 2013 we officially ran out of oil.

Limbaugh: Well, we may have run out of domestic drilling sites, but we are working toward trading with other countries…

Johnson: Not just America, the whole world.

Limbaugh: We clearly aren't looking hard enough then. Perhaps we'll revisit Alaska.

Johnson: In February of 2013 CO2 levels were higher than they had ever been, causing the earth's temperature to rise a staggering 103 degrees in less than 3 weeks. This caused a glacier the size of Texas to break away from the polar ice caps. This glacier collided with the state of Alaska and sunk it to the bottom of the ocean.

(The President bites his lower lip and looks to the ground in shame.)

Johnson: In March of 2013 twenty-five different animal species were put on the endangered list, and in April twenty-two were officially declared extinct.

Limbaugh: Hey there! Most of the animals on the list were already dwindling in numbers. It’s not fair to blame this administration for the extinction of the Koala Bear, the Panda, and the Manatee.

Johnson: That’s true, but also on the list were Gophers, Antelope, Squirrels, and the common Pigeon.

Limbaugh: Yikes.

Johnson: Increased temperatures and precipitation along with the subsequent sequestration of airborne CO₂ have caused vegetation stress, rapid plant loss, and world wide famine. To be honest with you sir, I'm only doing this interview on the promise that their would be a half eaten hot dog in it for me.

(He made his way over to the window, and stared in silence. He watched as a bald eagle perched on the veranda outside, causing him to crack a small smile. The smile quickly faded as he watched the majestic bird hack up it's heart and die.)

Limbaugh: Do you remember the way things used to be... the way... I used to be?

Johnson: I remember not having to clean the fish bones and dead skin out of my water.

Limbaugh: People used to admire me... they would look to me for guidance.

Johnson: You were a role model to many.

Limbaugh: Yes... I was... heroic.

Johnson: I didn't say that.

Limbaugh: I remember when I was special. I remember when America was special. I remember when the air was clean, and the sun would shine. Now I have to put on a gas mask just to get the mail.

Johnson: Well Mr. President, in a way you still are special.

(He looked at me with a small tear in his eye, and shot me a little smile.)

Limbaugh: Really? Why is that?

Johnson: You can afford a gas mask. Most of us just hold our breath while we run from door to door.

(His smile dissipated as he buried his face in his hands and wept.)

Johnson: Mr. President thank you for your time, but I really need to get going. Its getting late and the giant cockroaches come out at night.

Limbaugh: Cockroaches?

Johnson: Oh yeah, there are giant cockroaches now. Scientists think that the impending apocalypse has caused their evolutionary genes to kick into over drive.

Johnson: Before I go, is there any last words you'd like to say to the public?

(He sobbed as he tried to speak, but his tears said more than his words.)

Limbaugh: What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry?

Johnson: You know that's not what I want to hear.

(He wiped away the tears and snot from his face, and gave me a look. Not his former trademark look of arrogance, nor a look of humbled acceptance. He looked at me with eyes of anger and defeat. He was a broken man.)

Limbaugh: I'm an idiot.

(I turned away and walked toward the door. Before I left I looked back at him one more time, taking in the image of a dejected Rush Limbaugh in all his pathetic glory.)

Johnson: We know, Mr. President. We know.

For more on the issue of climate control, visit www.blogactionday.org, and check out some other blogs that discuss this important topic.

The Stupid Native American Jerk in the Cupboard

2009-10-14T00:51:00.002+01:00

Like most writers, I dream of seeing my work published. Unfortunately I have a tendency to fore go normal writing tasks such as editing and reading my work after I write it. I've tried many times to get my latest work published, but so far have been unsuccessful. Since copy wright laws prohibit me from publishing this work for profit, I have decided to give it to you, my loyal readers, free of charge.

***

“Dog collar, chair leg, container of half eaten yogurt…” I muttered to myself as I rummaged through the garbage heap in the dumpster behind the strip club. It was the day before my anniversary and I was searching for that “special gift” for that “special someone.” Usually I just swipe something from Wal-Mart, but after my most recent run in with their security department and team of lawyers, I decided it was probably best that I avoid that store for a while. Being an internet comedy writer and a colossal failure, I had no money to purchase my lady a gift, so I resorted to what I knew best: dumpster diving. Unfortunately due to the economy I was competing with several other down-on-their-luck husbands and an army of vicious raccoons, so pickings were slim.

After about an hour of searching I came up with three possible candidates for anniversary gifts: an inverted umbrella, various bras of different sizes and colors, and half a kilo of cocaine. I also found a Batman flashlight, but that was a gift for Andrew from the dumpster. Suddenly, something caught my eye. I dug a little deeper in the filth (mostly old condoms) and discovered a charming little cupboard.

“Why look what we have here,” I said as I pulled the cupboard out of the dumpster. “A hidden little gem! I can’t believe someone would just throw this away.” Deciding that this was a vast improvement over the umbrella, bra’s and coke, I hurried home with the dumpster prize under my arm.

I arrived before my wife, who works three jobs to support us. I would feel bad, but I have become a model house husband, preparing dinner almost every evening (which she enjoys for the five minutes before leaving for her night job) and doing laundry at least once a month, or whenever the mold smell becomes unbearable. I placed the cupboard on the kitchen table to examine it, and after noticing it was covered in strip-club filth, I decided it needed a good polishing. Not having any polishing equipment, I dumped a cocktail of cleaning supplies over it and hoped for the best. As the very poisonous concoction entered the doors, I thanked God that I wasn’t a miniature man living inside the cupboard.

“HELP ME!” came from inside the cupboard. “OPEN THE DOOR, THE FUMES ARE TOO MUCH!” I opened the cupboard door, and discovered inside there was a small, wet little Indian…err…Native American. He was decked in traditional Native American crap, you know like feathers and whatever.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” said the little Native, obviously put out by my poisonous intrusion.

I looked at the tiny savage, amazed that he would speak to a man much larger than him in that tone, and a WHITE man at that. “I was trying to clean this cupboard before I gave it to my wife as an anniversary gift. How was I supposed to know that the last of the Mohicans was inside?”

“I’m not a Mohican you idiot,” he said while puffing out his chest, trying to look imposing but really looking as threatening as a gerbil in moccasins, “I am Eagle Wing! I have the strength of the mighty Buffalo, the agility of the nimble Deer, and the wisdom of the cunning owl. I am Chief of the Coo Bard Tribe, and this is my home. You cannot take what is not yours.”

I looked at him in amazement, unsure of what to say. I mean, what do you say to a little red skinned heathen that seems to have made your new cupboard his home? Thankfully I was a student of history, and knew exactly what to do.

“Get out of my cupboard before I give you small pox,” I said, while planting my middle finger in front of his tiny face, “Welcome to America bitch.”

“I will not leave,” he said, “This cupboard is my home, and it is magic!”

“This cupboard is magic eh?” I asked less out of curiosity, but more out of a distraction while I readied a can of bug spray and a lighter.

“Yes. I awoke in this cupboard many moons ago.” he began. “I was once a plastic toy, but this cupboard brought me to life, and I will not abandon its supernatural powers.”

“Uh, huh,” I said as I unsuccessfully tried to make a flame from the cheap lighter in my hand. Such a rookie error, gas station lighters are never reliable. This is Arson 101 for Christ’s sake.

“Many have traveled through this magical door, but few have been here as long as I,” he said. “I will protect it, and keep others from abusing its might.”

“Wait a second,” I said as I implored the Native to wait a second. “You’re telling me that you were once a toy, and this hunk of cat-pissed soaked dumpster wood brought you to life?”

“That’s exactly what I said,” he replied with a look of frustration all over his little demon skinned face. “I’m not sure I could have been any clearer.”

The realization of the power I had at my disposal suddenly rushed over me. With this cupboard, I could explore the vastness of human potential. I could bring to life Albert Einstein figurines, and have them assist today’s scientists in the complexities of relative science. I could reanimate the minds of the greatest leaders in history, and help direct the world into a new and better tomorrow. Hell, I could bring to life a JESUS statue, and have him bring an end to all the turmoil and strife caused by religious war.

Or, I could finally put my Ninja Turtle and pro-wrestling action figures to good use. And, by good use I mean bringing them to life so I could have them fight each other. It would answer the age old question; who would win in a steel cage match, The Rock, or Michelangelo? I looked down at the Native, and noticed a hint of concern in his eye.

“Oh my God, you’re planning on bringing to life a bunch of toys with this cupboard for the purpose of watching them fight for sport, aren’t you?” he asked. He must have used his witch craft to read my mind. Native American’s are all witches right?

“What if I am? What do you care…Indian…face?” I said, before realizing how stupid that sounded, and paused to come up with a better insult. Struggling to come up with one immediately, I continued. “If you want you could even place bets on them. Everyone knows your people LOVE gambling.” There it was, an unintentional verbal knockout punch! Full of pride, I gave myself a much deserved high five.

“I will not allow you to abuse the powers of this sacred creation!” he said as he readied his bow. “You have desecrated a holy item, for this you shall perish!”

He charged, running as fast as his little heathen legs could move, and shot arrows furiously into the air. Unfortunately for him the arrows were about as vicious as tooth picks, so they did little to deter my goal. Also, he ran out of table pretty quickly, and in fear of falling to his death he was forced to alter his attack. I was just about to make a move for the cupboard when I saw that he was rushing for the cutlery. I tried to intercept him but it was too late, the little bastard had gotten a hold of the largest blade in the kitchen, and was wielding it like a medieval battle ax.

Just as I was about to soil myself and admit defeat to a pint sized casino dweller, I noticed something. His knees were shaking and sweat was pouring from his forehead. He could barely hold the knife, and it was only a matter of time before gravity turned on him. Deciding that I would prefer not to leave it to chance, I gave the kitchen table a little kick.

“What are you doing? Stop that!” he said, obviously terrified.

“Oh, I'm sorry,” I said as I gave the table another nudge. “Is it difficult for you to maintain your balance? I thought you had the agility of a buffalo.”

“Agility of the Deer! I have the strength of a buffalo!”

“Really? Because it seems to me that you have the strength of a chicken, and the agility of a retarded snail,” I said as I grabbed the table and started to shake the shit out of it, “EARTHQUAKE TEST!”

He started to stumble, but quickly gained his composure. “I am Eagle Wing! I am the strongest there is! I can hold anything!”

I nodded as I watched him struggle to keep the massive blade from lowering even an inch. I have to admit I was impressed, the little jerk was actually pretty bad ass. Well, as bad ass as an unimposing poodle, but I gave him credit for trying. Seeing that this was going to take a lot longer than I cared for it to, I decided to end it as quickly, and safely as possible.

“You are very strong, but how long do you think you can keep it up?”

“I am Eagle Wing!” he said with pride as he looked up at the heavens, “I can hold this blade forever!”

“Could you hold it while on fire?”

He looked at me, a mixture of fear and confusion sweeping over his face, “What?”

Flames swirled around the plucky little redskin as they poured out of the combined force of the bug spray and the cheap-shit lighter. A short flame darted around the kitchen table while screaming obscenities. What a prick, even in death he couldn't be cordial. Stupid Native American jerk.

Epilogue

“Listen here Jabroni,” said The Rock as he cocked his eyebrow and lowered his sunglasses. “The Rock is gonna take your nun-chucks, polish 'em up real nice, stick those son of bitches sideways...” he stopped, gazed into the eyes of the underage ninja in front of him, then turned his hand in a crude forceful gesture to demonstrate his point, “...AND STICK IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDY ASS!”

“OOOOOH...” said the other pro-wrestling action figures. They gathered around The Rock, slapping high fives and showing off their muscles with homo erotic flexing... they were sure they had this one in the bag. If the insult had been directed at any of the other Ninja Turtles, The Rock might have had a flawless victory. But, Michelangelo was not intimidated by The Rock's obvious fascination with the Turtle's anus. In fact, he was ready to exploit it.

“If my ass is candy...” he began, then paused before hitting him with the finish, “...than I guess you can EAT MY SHIT.”

“OH DAMN!” said Raphael as he twirled his twin Si blades. All four of the Ninja Turtles started hooting and hollering at his mighty comeback that made The Rock's jaw do the people's drop.

“Okay, that's it,” I said as I made my way over to the table. “This round goes the Ninja Turtles for Michelangelo's incredible comeback. Now remember boys, the winners get fifteen minutes with the Barbie dolls!"

“Hot damn!” said Stone Cold Steve Austin as he cracked open a mini beer can. “Stone Cold's gonna run the train on Malibu Barbie! Can I get a hell yeah?”

5 Reasons Why I Hate Country Music

2009-09-30T03:49:00.001+01:00

Something horrible has happened to music. A revolution has begun that causes ears to bleed and babies to self-abort. Many still remember when Kanye West spotlight-raped Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards, but few recognize that it overshadowed a much stranger event... a country song won an award at a non country music event. Everyone accuses Kanye West of acting like a jack ass, but what you don't realize is that he was trying to save us... save us from the new surge in country music popularity.

He came to save us... and we crucified him.

It's hard to imagine that not long ago country music was reserved for the mentally retarded, Nascar fans, and Texas. So today I'm going to list the top reasons why I despise this burden on my ears and pray to Kanye that you see the light. And, remember country music fans that I am allowed to have my own opinion, just as you are allowed to have yours. The only difference is that my opinion is valid.

#5: Today’s Country Music is Not Real Country Music

Remember the music of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Kenny Rogers, and Waylon Jennings? That's country music. Those guys wrote songs that influenced generations and fought against the established order. Then in 1992 something horrible happened. Billy Ray Cyrus released a song called "Achy Breaky Heart" and caused jukeboxes around the United States to be infected with a deadly sound that made middle aged women go into pleasure seizures, and made drunk idiots think they could dance.

If you play it backwards you'll hear a recipe for devil's food cake... from SATAN.

"Achy Breaky Heart" was the catylist for the new wave of country music that would effectively rape and murder the classics. Since this day (known as "Achy Breaky Apocolypse" by the survivors) many new artists have come forth with songs about fast trucks, loose women, and sexually promiscuous tractors.

That tractor gave me gonorrhea.

Now there are endless country acts that write songs about trivial topics, and they all sound the same. I swear if you play me ten country songs by ten different artists, and then asked me to name the musician, I'd probably say "Garth Brooks" ten times. Then again if you made me listen to ten country songs in a row I'd probably strangle you to death before turning the piano wire on myself.

#4: Line Dancing

Another byproduct of the "Achy Breaky" nightmare was the creation of line dancing. Line dancing is what happens when a group of country fans hear a song they like and decided to cut a rug. What many don't realize is that line dancing is not dancing, it is the absence of dancing. Line dancing kills real dancing.

Line dancing put Patrick Swayze in a corner... and then gave him cancer.

Line dancing is a choreographed dance with a repeated sequence of steps in which a group of people dance in one or more lines or rows, all facing the same direction, and executing the steps at the same time.

Like Nazi's.

Now most men hate all forms of dancing, but they usually will stomach it if it leads to the possibility of sex. But, line dancing has no regard for the sex of the individuals. So you could start off trying to dance with vivacious Betty Sue, but end up next to her retarded cousin Gerald who just can't seem to get the timing right. So unless breaking in the handicapped stall is your sort of thing, line dancing has no immediate advantage unless your goal is to practice goostepping.

#3: Poor Choices in Style and Fashion

Wrangler jeans. Large white stetson hats. Over-sized belt buckles that double as bottle openers. American flags turned into button up shirts. Cowboy boots with jeans tucked inside them. This is standard country music fan attire. Blue collar workers decided that they would take on the very manly idea of being a cowboy and gay it up as much as possible.

Brokeback Mountain was straighter than this.

The majority of people who wear cowboy hats have never tended cattle, nor faced the harsh climates of the plains while making 25 cents an hour. Now a days a cowboy hat is only beneficially for douche bag watchers, trying to find a new species of douche.

Brooksius Faggotus

Most country music fans seem to think of the Confederate flag as a style choice, and will put it on almost anything, regardless of the social or historical implications. Since it seems that the majority of people who proudly wave the symbol of the Confederacy do not know what it stands for, they help encourage the "Stupid American" stereo type, and make Canada look better by comparison... and that place is all kinds of backward.

Canada's cowboy: The Mountie.

#2: Inspires Over Patriotism

Country music is considered by many to be the voice of America's heartland. That's unfortunate since most of the patriotic/pro-America songs make American's look like ignorant white bread trash.

Don't believe me? Watch this.

I absolutely love how literal the guy was when he put together this video. My favorite part was at 1:16 when the Bald Eagle flips you off. We've destroyed their habitat and driven them to near extinction, but yeah, damn those jihad. I also really like at 1:57 when it showed a picture of Saddam Hussein being hung, even though he had nothing to do with 9/11. Cause, you know, screw facts.

This song was written by Toby Keith, a walking, singing stereotype who has a talent for appearing to be endearing while actually being an intolerant asshole. After the release of "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" he had a notable feud with the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines. She publicly criticized Keith's song by saying, "I hate it. It's ignorant, and it makes country music sound ignorant. It targets an entire culture - and not just the bad people who did bad things. You've got to have some tact. Anybody can write, 'We'll put a boot in your ass'..."

Toby responded with the most tact he could muster:

"I'll bury her. She has never written anything that has been a hit..."

He then began displaying a backdrop showing a doctored photo of Maines with Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein at all of his concerts, cause you know... that 's the mature response.

Along with Toby Keith's redneck anthem, Alan Jackson took the opportunity to show the world that he too was just as ignorant and could profit off of the deaths of thousands.

I guess you can forgive Alan Jackson for thinking Hussein was involved with 9/11 since he can't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran... and I guess Afghanistan.

You've never even looked at a globe, have you?

#1: Jamboree in the Hills

Jamboree in the Hills, also known as the "Super Bowl of Country Music," is a four-day-long concert held annually in the rolling hills of Morristown, Ohio. In reality it is an annual hedonism festival designed to encourage as many alcohol ridden mistakes as possible.

The kind of mistakes that will cause you to wake up next to this.

There are only a few seating arrangements or assigned places at the Jamboree site, so each morning during the event, hundreds of country music fans stampede through the gate with their blankets, tarps, and lawn chairs, and try to get a space as close to the stage as possible. This is often a muddy and chaotic event and has been dubbed over the years as "The Redneck Run" and the name couldn't be more appropriate.

Every year I am forced to endure the promotion and execution of the Jamboree, and now since I work in the medical field I am required to provide assistance to the victims of this orgy of chaos. This past summer the majority of patients I visited had Jamboree related injuries. Needless to say none of them were eligible for the services I provide so they ended up being a monumental waste of my time. Yes I hate the Jamboree, but what I hate more is how everybody swears its the greatest thing ever. You know what else people thought was great? The Titanic.

And, we all know how that turned out.

Guest Blogger Alena McAllister: Twilight of the Stupid

2009-09-22T23:25:00.001+01:00

When my good friend Andrew asked me to guest blog for him, we spent some time brainstorming about what exactly I might want to write on. Nothing was getting me motivated until Andrew thought of a topic that was timely, culturally-relevant, and got my ire going enough that I'd be able to ramble on about it for a few hundred words. What Andrew asked me was, "How do you feel about Twilight?"

Now at this point I think it may be important for you to know a few things about me. First of all, I have a B.A. in English literature. What that means is that when I read something, I suck all the life and fun out of it until the text is a mere shell of what it once was. I'm sorry. That's what we do. Second, most of my research focused on sex and gender in texts, so that is what I see when I read. The head of my department was fond of saying, "If it's just a blade of grass, then you've missed something."

It's not the size of the stalk that counts.

I read Stephanie Meyer's Twilight and the rest of the books in the series last summer, right in the middle of the hype surrounding the fourth book. My coworkers were addicted to the series, and they quite literally held me down, taped my eyelids open, and forced me to read them. That, by the way, is exactly how it happened.

They thrust the first book upon me less than a week before the fourth was released, and within that week I read all of them. They were awful in a way that made me physically unable to put them down. Awful like a train wreck - no. Awful like a herd of kittens and puppies with newborn babies strapped to their backs meandering through a railroad crossing while a train filled with gasoline and fireworks bears down on them.

So, yeah, I read them and I couldn't stop. Don't think this makes you better than me, because you're not. Despite this, the Twilight series really, REALLY pissed me off, and for basically two reasons.

First up, Meyers treatment of teenage sexuality in the books. Ok, so kudos to you, Steph. I get that you were attempting to give us a more realistic, more modern portrayal of sex in high school. I can appreciate the plan, just not the delivery.

She spends the first three books teasing readers with hints of the night that Bella and Edward will one day share - only, that is after they're married. Edward, since he is supposedly the perfect gentleman, insists upon that. (Let's not discuss the fact that he's actually the perfect pedophile, given that he's something like eighty years older than Bella. He may look like he's eighteen, but the bottom line is that he's not even close. Not important! Look the other way!)

You want some candy, little girl?

Edward sneaks into Bella's bedroom almost every night, sharing her bed and then leaving before her father wakes in the morning. "Nothing happens!" Meyers tells us, practically bashing us over the head with the supposed innocence of it all. "Nothing happens until they're married," she promises in one breath, while describing all the intimacy of their contact in the next. By the fourth book, readers are on pins and needles; they know what's, um, coming.

But then, just like the girl in high school who used to let you get some under-the-shirt but over-the-bra action after the football games, Stephanie Meyers won't go all the way.

Meyers to readers: "Promise ring, bitches!"

In the biggest rip-off I've seen in a long while, Meyers pulls out the old "fade to black" on us, managing to gloss over every bit of the happy couple's wedding night in a few quick paragraphs. Now, to clarify, I'm not asking for porn, here. If that's what I wanted, I'd go pick up a Fabio-covered Harlequin romance from Half Price Books and be done with it. Or I'd just break out some Updike.

My gripe with Meyers treatment of the honeymoon is about consistency. Don't claim that you're striving for a realistic, gritty portrayal of teenage sexuality and then shy away from actually doing the deed. Don't describe passionate kisses and intimate moments, but then balk at the thought of actually having to write about the physical realities of sex. Send more of a mixed message, Steph? How precisely is that displaying a more mature understanding of the questions and situations that teenagers face when it comes to their sexuality?

That brings us to issue number two: Bella's complete and utter lack of a personality.

What do readers really learn about Bella through the course of the books? Bella loves Edward, check. Bella wants to be with Edward, check. Bella thinks Edward is the most beautiful thing evar, check. Bella wants to be a vampire like Edward, check. Are we noticing a pattern here?

There is nothing Meyers tells us about who Bella is that isn't dependent upon her relationship with Edward. What are her interests, hobbies, goals, motivations? I dunno. Oh wait, yes I do - Edward, Edward, Edward, and Edward. Bella's personality is about as multifaceted as dirty dishwater, and it only gets worse as the series goes on.

Eventually it is revealed that each of the vampires in Twilight has a special power. You know, like the X-men. One can see the future, another is especially strong, another can read minds. You know, like the X-men.

My skin shimmers in the sunlight, too.

Bella's power is finally revealed in the last book, after she becomes a vampire. Imagine my excitement as I realized that this was coming. "Finally," I thought, fool that I am. "Good old Steph is finally going to redeem herself and give Bella a chance to shine!"

I'm a moron.

What is Bella's power? Well, it turns out that Bella can act as a shield. She can focus on a vampire or vampires and block them from using their special powers.

Please excuse me while I smash my face off my keyboard.

So what did Meyers give Bella? A power that is entirely dependent upon the ACTUAL powers of the other people around her. Her power is nothing, in fact cannot exist at all, except within the context of other vampires. She doesn't get to act - she gets to react. Hooray for the victory of damn dull dishwater.

To make a long story short (too late), the Twilight series is a fantastic read if you can stomach the notion of a personality-free heroine who spends roughly the first 1500 pages dreaming and plotting about how to get a man eighty years her senior to marry her just so she can have sex with him.

"I don't remember selling the rights to my autobiography ..."

Like I said, I read all four books in a week.

5 More Indie Artists You've Never Heard Of

2009-09-19T03:12:00.001+01:00

Once again it’s time for me to carefully select a few musical acts that are relatively unknown to the majority of the public, and then chastise you for not listening to them. If you are interested in any of the artists than just click on their name and it will link you to their website. So dust off your iPod’s and start up your LimeWire while I inform you of five more indie artists you have never heard of.

Aushua

California born rock quartet Aushua are a band who were well on their way to recognition when they hit a stroke of bad luck. After they had booked an appearance on Last Call with Carson Daly, lead singer Nathan Gammill was jumped and severely beaten by two men outside of a bar in Orange County. Due to Gammill’s injuries the band was forced to cancel their appearance on Daly’s late night show.

Wait, not being on Last Call is a bad thing?

Since then they have been touring consistently, trying to get their music out to a wider audience. Their most recent tour with Nightmare of You brought the band much critical praise for their varied style and gave them some much needed exposure.

Who Do They Sound Like?

Aushua credit both Bob Dylan and The Talking Heads as their influences, but to be honest they don’t sound as folk as I’m sure they want to. They have more of an pop rock sound, similar to a young U2.

Songs to Download:

Since they only have a few EP’s out right now it’s hard to find them in stores, but they are on iTunes (and LimeWire). “Sister Saves,” “In A Way,” and “Tuck” are all good jams, but the best song they have right now is called “Hiding Place.” Download it… I’m sure you won’t be disappointed.

Abandon

Abandon are a Christian rock band from Texas, a place where most Christians feel more comfortable condemning anything resembling rock music and forming lynch mobs.

Texas.

The band formed in 2002 by playing worship music at their church, (hiding their love for rock to avoid said lynching). They recently released their first album Searchlights to mostly positive reviews. Unlike most Christian music acts, Abandon have been able to sneak into mainstream radio play by subtly displaying their faith in their work instead of jamming it down our throats.

Unlike SOME people.

Who Do They Sound Like?

Their music and lead singer’s voice sound eerily similar to The Killers, but one song sounds like it was written after listening to a Boyz II Men record. Mostly Killers clones though, only Christian instead of Mormon.

Songs to Download:

“Hold On,” is a great song if you really like The Killers, and would be a great introduction to who Abandon are and how they differ from their mainstream counterparts. But, for the Christian music fans I suggest downloading “Hero.” It’s a strong ballad that cements that they are writing their music for a higher power.

Chaos Killed

This is one band I can almost guarantee you have never heard of. Why? Consisting of three college kids from West Liberty State University, Chaos Killed’s exposure has been limited at best. Their main source of publicity has been playing local clubs, MySpace, and the occasional air play on The X radio station. But, they have a small, loyal fan base and its growing. Regardless of how you feel about their music, you have to give these guys credit for pursuing their goals. College is a notorious killer of dreams, and many have let their aspirations die for more financially secure careers.

Hitler, for example.

Who Do They Sound Like?

At this point in their careers they are still trying out different styles, so it’s not really fair to pigeon-hole them into any particular sound. If I had to compare them to another act, I’d say they reminded me of early Ataris, Bush, and Green Day minus the liberal propaganda. You can tell that they were influenced by 90’s alternative rock, which makes them unique in today’s market.

Songs to Download:

The song they have been marketing lately is called “Baltimore,” and I have to say that it’s much better than most of the other stuff out there today. The best part is that you can get this song from their MySpace page free of charge, so downloading it won’t send the FBI crashing through your front window.

The Gaslight Anthem

New Jersey has a habit of churning out great musical acts, and The Gaslight Anthem is no exception. Active since 2005, the made a huge splash on the indie scene in 2007 with their debut album Sink or Swim. Since then they have toured constantly, and even released a second album, The ’59 Sound, to huge critical acclaim. These guys are on the verge of stardom, but something is holding them back. Many speculate that an aged and bitter Bruce Springsteen is keeping these New Jersey natives from breaking through the glass ceiling, but nothing has been confirmed.

*Whimper*…Working on a Dream suuucked…*whimper*

Who Do They Sound Like?

The Gaslight Anthem strongly embraces the Jersey Shore sound, so Bon Jovi, Springsteen, Astronaut Jones, and John Eddie have all influenced them in one way or another, and it shows in their style.

Songs to Download:

Pretty much anything from The ’59 Sound is worth listening to, but if you’re strapped for cash or unable to find all the songs in less reputable ways, download “Great Expectations,” “Casanova, Baby!” and “Old White Lincoln.”

Plushgun

New wave/synth-pop music was thought to have died in the 90’s, but it’s been given an adrenaline shot and kept out of the grave thanks to a new generation of artists who love to experiment with electronic sound. Out of all of these acts, none have embraced the synth-pop scene quite like Plushgun. Utilizing shimmering keyboard sounds with rock and roll guitar licks and sweet drum beats, these Brooklyn natives have taken the internet by storm. The gained prominence when their music was featured on episodes of the web series We Need Girlfriends, and they quickly gained cult status. Since then they have been touring regularly and their music has been featured on MTV’s The Real World.

Who Do They Sound Like?

If The Postal Service had not been created to appease Ben Gibbard’s electronic indie phase, than Plushgun would not exist. While they embody the spirit of Postal Service, most of there songs are upbeat dance tunes as apposed to Gibbard’s electric/emo tracks.

Songs to Download:

Their debut album Pins and Panzers is great, but if you need to sample before committing to a whole record than download “Dancing in a Minefield,” “Union Pool,” and “Just Impolite.” If electric indie isn’t for you, than try their song “Let Me Kiss You Now, (And I’ll Fade Away)” for a song that’s nostalgic, poppy, dance-able, and surprisingly deep.

If you liked these artists, check out a some more indie acts here.

Guest Blogger Simon Woods: Biggest Surprises and Disappointments of the Summer Movie Season

2009-09-15T02:16:00.001+01:00

One of the best parts of having this blog is it gives me the opportunity to give my friends a venue to get their writing out to a wider audience. Today I am posting some movie reviews by my good friend Simon Woods, who has spent even more time at the movie theater this summer than I have.

I could have done a top 10 list, but to me this summer was about being surprised by some movies, and being horribly disappointed by others. Let’s start with the bad news first.

Top 5 Biggest Disappointments

5. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Understand that this is not a list of the worst movies of the summer. As bad as this summer was, this movie was still one of the best. It was disappointing because Harry Potter has become one of the most reliably awesome movie franchises around, and with this movie, past James Bond for the highest grossing. This just didn’t reach the incredibly high bar of the past two films. The wonder of the world wasn’t there like it was in the past. The amazing sights and incredible creatures were kept on the down-low.

Voldemort who, played by Ralph Fiennes, has become one of the coolest movie villains ever, was completely left out. I know this was according to the book, but I’m also to understand that the book had plenty of Voldemort back story, that this movie cut out. The reason for these cuts lead me to my biggest complaint, the Twilighty CW-esque teen romances. I hope against hope that the writers didn’t see how successful Twilight was and try to add in some sick syrupy teen drama. All of these factors add up to a movie that was still decent, but nowhere near what I have come to expect.

4. Public Enemies

This is another film that was hindered by the expectations for it. Michael Mann has distinguished himself as one of the most talented and enjoyable directors in Hollywood. He can handle a crime movie, so with a cast that boasted Johnny Depp and Christian Bale, I was thinking Oscar nominee. What followed was one of the most mediocre movies I have ever seen. Christian Bale was as bland as I have ever seen him. Johnny Depp was alright but he was saddled by a waste of time love story. What-could-have-been became a waste-of-time, and a forgettable entry into the ever growing crime genre.

3. Angels and Demons

I was not a fan of the Da Vinci Code, but I found the premise of this one intriguing. The addition of Ewan McGregor made me think that this might have been a sleeper hit. Boy was I wrong. Like Public Enemies, even though the parts are phenomenal, that doesn’t mean the movie is going to be good. And this one isn’t. This is Ron Howard’s worst movie, even worse than the DaVinci Code. The plot went no where, and the characters were still completely unlikeable. Ian McKellen and Paul Bettany were more important than I thought, in that no one in this movie brought the performances like those two did in the first movie. In the end, I have trouble even remembering that I saw this movie.

2. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

I hated all three X-Men movies, but this one looked like it could be incredible. I am not a fan of Hugh Jackman, but I don’t hate him like Dr. Cox does either (Editors Note: That's an awesome Scrubs reference people).

The rest of the cast looked incredible, though. Liev Schreiber was inspired casting as Sabretooth. Danny McBride is a better fit for Stryker than Brian Cox was. The kicker was Ryan Reynolds as Deadpool. He was perfect casting for one of the cooler characters in the Marvel Universe. And, that trailer. I hated the movie, but I still get goosebumps watching that trailer. Considering the source material, that may be the finest trailer ever made. But alas, expectation seldom delivers, and I was treated to the worst movie I watched this summer. Deadpool was horribly misused, and was more of a sideshow than anything else. Gambit was AWFUL. Hugh Jackman did nothing to silence Dr. Perry Cox. Only Liev Schrieber was good in his role, and in the end it felt like a futile effort because he completely outclassed his costars. The special effects sucked. The plot was horrible. But man that trailer…

The American People

No, this isn’t a political movie starring Michael Douglas. This is you, all of you who made Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen the highest grossing movie of the year by far that experts are predicting only Twilight 2 has a shot at touching, as horrible as that is. I’m assuming that you idiots saw the putrid piece of shit that was the first Transformers, which was an exercise in masturbation by the worst director ever, Michael Bay. Why of all the movies to see this summer did you people decide that the sequel was the one to see? This is the worst reviewed movie in the top 10 highest grossing movies, and its average review of 1 ½ stars will probably keep it that way until Transformers 3, which you morons have just ensured will be made. As charming as he was in Even Stevens, Shia LeBeouf is not a talented actor, and I’m starting to lose hope that he ever will be. In a summer of big dumb special effects movies, this was the biggest and the dumbest. And anyone who went to see it, maybe other than a matinee at the cheap theater, is one of the dumbest people in America, and I’m ashamed of all of you.

You liked Transformers 2? I'm a baby and even I think that's juvenile.

Now that I have that out of my system, I’ll focus on the positive, what little there was. My friend Albert has consistently warned each summer that that summer’s movies would be the worst ever. Every summer, I scoff at him and deride his movie taste. I did that at the beginning of this summer too, but I must apologize now, because he maybe right. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t surprised by some of the gems that were out there, and here are my top 5.

Top 5 Biggest Surprises

5. GI Joe:Rise of Cobra and Terminator: Salvation

I have lumped these two together because they share something in common. This summer had the distinction of having the worst three directors each have a movie come out. McG, Stephen Sommers and Michael Bay have all had crappy summer movies comeout before, but never the same summer. It could have been bad, but to my delight, it wasn’t that bad at all. McG actually made an enjoyable movie. I almost had a heart attack at the end of Terminator: Salvation because I didn’t absolutely hate it, and even thought it was well-directed. I was into it, there were parts where my pulse pounded. The effects were not over the top, and even kind of cool. And Sam Worthington was a revelation to me because he was great and really made me care about his character.

GI Joe on the other hand was horribly mis-directed. I felt that if it would have been directed by anyone else, now including McG, that it would have been one of the best movies of the summer. But, even as it was it didn’t suck. As bad as I thought the cast looked, they all played their parts well, with the exception of Marlon Wayans.

Shiiiiiit. I shoulda done White Chicks 2.

GI Joe was enjoyable in spite of Stephen Sommers and his goofy over the top style, but it still counts. GI Joe and Terminator: Salvation should have sucked as much as Transformers, and part of me still has a hard time believing that they didn’t. It’s too bad Michael Bay couldn’t have gotten as lucky as these other two, even though part of me believes Terminator: Salvation was ghost-directed by James Cameron.

Another Terminator? No thanks, I have a retarded fish-people movie to make.

4. District 9

After a decent May, I was starting to panic that all the rest of the summer was going to completely suck. June was characterized by mediocrity, and there was no Steve Carell to get us through. July was an absolute disaster, as just about every movie that month was a horrible disappointment. When August started, I was demoralized, and I didn’t believe anything could save this summer. When I saw the previews for District 9 I thought that it looked intriguing, and any other summer it would be good, but this summer it was destined to suck.

Then the strangest thing happened. I started reading good reviews. I had to see it for myself, and I was amazed. This movie, with not a single recognizable actor in the cast, was the little movie that could. It had by far the best Effects of the summer, and the story was actually moving and powerful. Even though there were no big names, Sharlto Copley was sincere and sympathetic in his role. The rest of the cast was good as well. I was moved as I left the theater and actually desired a sequel, a rare feat indeed these days.

3. The Hangover

At first sight, this movie appears to be another dumb gross-out comedy. One of those booze swilling retard fests that lacks any heart or brains. Even though this movie is booze-swilling, it has the brains and heart of a tiger, like the tiger they steal from Mike Tyson. I should have realized from the fact that Ed Helms, who is phenomenal in the Office as Andy Bernard and has paid his dues with small parts in a number of crappy movies like Meet Dave, has a leading role, and he is delightful. So, for that matter are his companions Bradley Cooper, from Wedding Crashers, and Zach Galifianakis. I haven’t laughed this hard since Wedding Crashers, as what could have been a one-joke entirely unoriginal movie was clever and actually funny. I loved it, and I didn’t think I would.

2. Star Trek

I will admit I am a Trekkie. My father took my brother and I to Star Trek conventions. I have eaten dinner with Q and hugged Sulu. That said, I didn’t have high hopes for this movie. When I heard it was a re-envisioning from JJ Abrams, I thought here is another franchise ruined from being made to be fresh. When I heard that through a temporal rift, an alternate universe is created where the writers can do whatever they want I thought the plot would be hoplessly convoluted, and infuriating to a Star Trek fan like me. I was completely wrong. This plot was easy to follow, and my girlfriend who has never watched an episode of Trek in her life was able to get into the characters and follow the plot. And while there is some nerd injected into the script, for the most part it is pure action and excitement. And I’ll say it, I thought Zachary Quinto was a better Spock than Leonard Nimoy ever dreamed of being. This maybe the best Sci-fi movie since Serenity.

1. Inglourious Basterds

I have not been pleased with Quentin Tarantino this decade. He was my favorite director, and he changed cinema forever in the 90s with Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, and Jackie Brown. In the 2000s it seemed he replaced innovation with wanting to recreate his favorite movies from his childhood. Kill Bill was at least watchable, but Grindhouse quickly lost its novelty and sucked a fat one. It was indulging himself to see if he could make a 70s exploitation film, even though no one wanted to watch those movies even back then. He also seemed to want to produce more than direct, and spent large parts of this decade procuring money for Eli Roth to make Hostel movies. Those were "good" (insert sarcasm).

Sarcasm? Oh yeah, I've made shit lately. Ha ha, okay you got me, touché.

When I saw that finally he was releasing another film, I didn’t hold my breath. When I saw that Brad Pitt had the lead, I rolled my eyes. But this was Tarantino, and for old time’s sake I went to see it. I am glad I did, because he completely blew me away. The German actor who played Hans Landa, the villain of the movie, is headed for an Oscar. I enjoyed this more than any of his other movies, other than maybe Pulp Fiction, and that’s just because it had Bruce Willis. He got back to doing what he does best and that is making a movie that doesn’t play by the rules of any genre, or history for that matter. He triumphantly vaulted back to being my favorite director, and easily made the best movie of the summer, and so far of the year too.

Learn more about Simon Woods here.

Do you want to guest blog with The JohnsoNation? Just send me an email or message me on facebook with a pitch, and we'll post your article on here, and promote it for free.

The JohnsoNation Summer Internship

2009-09-08T08:00:00.001+01:00

This past summer I decided it was time to give back to a world that I have taken so, so much from, and develop an internship program for my thriving new company. I have to say that this year was a huge success, and we here at The JohnsoNation Corporation are very excited to continue the program next summer. For all you potential new interns, here are excerpts from our last intern's journal to give you an idea of what our program is all about.

***

June 8, 2009

Internship at The JohnsoNation Corporation: Day 1

Today I begin my internship with The JohnsoNation Corporation. Due to the fact that the office building was not yet prepared, my boss Mr. Johnson came and met me at the local Bob Evans. There he gave me a quick run down of my responsibilities at the company. While shoveling hash browns in his mouth he informed me that my duties were to "follow my every word" and "keep your mouth shut."

Although I am truly excited to be spending my summer learning the inner workings of the corporate system, I have to admit that some of the tasks Mr. Johnson bestowed upon me were quite perplexing. Duties such as note taking, dictation, and filing all made sense, but then he went on to say I should always have a wet suit handy, and to “never trust the gnome."

I’m even more concerned about the dress code, which consists mostly of sweat bands and temporary tattoos. Hopefully these procedures will become more relevant and clear as I delve into my new position.

The meeting ended when Mr. Johnson excused himself to the restroom and never returned. I paid the bill, (which was supposed to be a business lunch) and left to prepare for the next day.

***

June 9, 2009

The corporate office was not what I expected. The building was dilapidated at best, and had more rats than employees inside. Also, most of the employees seemed to be homeless people crudely dressed in shabby shirts and ties.

Frank from accounting.

I went to Mr. Johnson’s office to talk about the working conditions, and was stopped by his secretary, someone who I suspected was a crack whore. Sitting on my lap and offering me services “for rocks” confirmed my suspicions.

When I was finally permitted to enter his office, (I had to pay her to leave me alone) I walked in only to find Mr. Johnson surrounded by mountains of papers, all with lists of social security numbers and birthdates on them. He was frantically shredding them while deleting his hard drive. When I questioned him about the conditions of the building, he responded with “It’s got windows and a door doesn’t it?” I told him that while he was correct, the windows were all broken and the doors did not have knobs on them, and I was reasonably sure the building was covered in asbestos. His response was simply “Yeah, can’t get enough asbestos."

When I informed him that our fire escape was just a rope dangling from the roof to the ground, he told me to “Stop being a pussy.” Not wanting to lose the respect of my superior, I said nothing else. When I asked him what I should do for the remainder of the day, he told me to “Go file some shit," then opened up a bottle of scotch and started guzzling it, imbibing an unhealthy amount of alcohol.

I’m starting to become very unsure of this internship.

***

June 19, 2009

Today one of my co-workers asked me if I wanted to get in on the office betting pool. Being a big fan of basketball, and seeing this as a chance to fit in, I gave him my $50 dollar entry fee and he handed me a copy of the bracket. When I went back to my cubicle to review the bracket, I discovered some unusual team names, names such as "Swastika," the "Hungry Hobo," the "Retarded Mail Room Boy," and the "Kidnapped Cheerleader."

Eventually I discovered that I had inadvertently joined an illegal gambling ring for death matches conducted in our office basement, which could accurately be described as a dungeon. When I tried to get my money back, my co-worker looked at me and said “What money?” while stroking an ice pick. I decided to fill out the bracket, recognizing that if I’m going to risk going to jail, I might as well try and make a profit.

I don’t like what this internship is doing to my sense of morality.

***

June 23, 2009

Today a man from the Better Business Bureau came for an inspection. Mr. Johnson greeted him, ordered me to join them on the tour and to take notes the entire time. The Inspector made several negative comments during his visit, and even stopped at one point to vomit when he saw our bathroom facilities, or as Mr. Johnson has nick-named them, “Our little shitting holes” (this is actually more of a description than a nick name).

To be perfectly honest, this is an improvement to what we had to endure.

When we got to Mr. Johnson’s office he asked me to hand over my notes and told me to go to the store and buy a gallon of bleach. When I returned the Inspector was gone and Mr. Johnson was waiting for me with my notes in hand. He gave them to me and then demanded I sign off on them, even though they had been clearly tampered with. He had crossed out most of the facts and replaced them with a confusing story that implied the Inspector threatened to burn down the office, sexually assaulted several employees, and then ran out of the building screaming “I killed John Benét Ramsey!"

When I refused to sign it, he replied “It’s fine, I have your signature on file anyway,” and then proceeded to dump the bleach all over his office floor. Afterward Mr. Johnson called in two of my co-workers and told them to execute “Maneuver Delta." The two co-workers then grabbed several heavy garbage bags and dragged them into a waiting Ford Taurus. Mr. Johnson then began loading the car with cinder blocks, and asked me if I had my wet suit ready.

I do not expect to be back in time for my scheduled lunch break.

***

July 7, 2009

Today I approached Mr. Johnson about a possible letter of recommendation. He was sitting in his office pantsless and trying to turn on his television with his iPod. When I asked him about the recommendation, he said only if I could “Answer me these questions three." He then went on to recite dialogue from Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the next 45 minutes. Afterword he chastised me for not being up to the company’s dress policy, the guidelines for which have changed frequently since the day I started.

Wednesdays

When it was obvious that no real questions were going to be presented to me, I asked for the recommendation again. Mr. Johnson agreed to do so, only if I mixed him a drink. Upon inspection of the office I found neither drink mix nor alcohol of any kind. In fact, the only liquids in the room were generic cough syrup and half a bottle of glass cleaner. He told me to “Mix that shit” because he was “boning for a drink."

I call this drink “the coma”

After consuming a concoction that I’m sure was mostly poison, Mr. Johnson slapped me on the back, said “that’s how you do it queer,” and then passed out. I decided I really didn’t need the letter that badly and called poison control.

***

July 23, 2009

Today Mr. Johnson gave me a briefcase and told me to go to behind the building and “wait for the man in the suit." I stood in the back lot for close to three hours before a large unmarked van pulled up. The door slid open and two large men in ski masks emerged, carrying a gagged and blindfolded man. Another man in aviator sunglasses and a bright blue Armani suit approached me and introduced himself as Mr. Hibbs. He took the briefcase out of my hands and gave it to a small Cuban man he called Diego. He then patted my cheek, slipped a fifty dollar bill in my shirt pocket, and said “You didn’t see nothing."

Later that day I heard an important official from City Hall had been kidnapped while he was in the bathroom. I considered calling the police, but then decided to microwave a hot pocket instead. This job has all but killed my empathy.

***

Aug. 11, 2009

I walked past Mr. Johnson’s office today and saw him and Mr. Hibbs fiercely arguing while waving guns in the air. I overheard Mr. Hibbs saying “What do you mean they won’t pay the ransom,” and Mr. Johnson shouting “Let’s just leave him in the dumpster behind the pre-school." I grew slightly concerned when they both stopped talking and stared directly at me. I grew even more concerned when they silently followed me around for the rest of the day, constantly invading my privacy by reading my emails and screening my calls.

I feel very fortunate that tomorrow is my last day.

***

Aug. 12, 2009

Today I arrived at my scheduled time to find the office deserted. Sitting on my desk was a loaded gun and a note that said “Protect yourself.” I gripped the weapon in my hand as I searched for Mr. Johnson in his office, expecting the worst. The office was dark, so I anxiously searched for the desk lamp to provide some illumination. I pulled the lamp chord only to find the gagged and blindfolded man tied to a chair, his neck slit from ear to ear. I quickly reached for the phone and attempted to dial 911, but instead of a dial tone I heard only silence.

Suddenly I heard the sound of helicopters outside, and muffled voices behind the office door. A tear gas can landed at my feet, and five armed police officers in full riot gear burst through the door. I raised my hands in the air, and was getting ready to explain myself when one of the officers screamed “He’s got a gun,” causing the rest to rush me and take me to the floor. I kept trying to explain the situation, but after they found the stacks of birth certificates and closet full of skeletons (literally...human skeletons), I decided it was probably best to just keep my mouth shut.

Since then I have tried pleading my case many times, but it's been to no avail. Every once in a while, I look out the window bars of my cell at the ocean surrounding the prison. And, I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes I think I see Mr. Johnson out there, staring at me, wearing his company issued wet suit.

***

The JohnsoNation Corporation is now taking applications for summer 2010 Internships! Please provide your social security number, a copy of your birth certificate, and an object with your finger prints on it. Positions are filling fast, so don’t delay, apply today!

"Vick"dication

2009-08-14T21:28:00.000+01:00

I know I said I’d be back in September, but I wanted to post this entry before it no longer became relevant or topical. Yesterday Michael Vick was signed to a 2 year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles and dog lovers everywhere lost their shit. I personally think it’s a good move on the Eagles part to sign a talented player, but apparently PETA and every lonely woman in the United States would rather Vick waste that talent by being banned from football for the rest of his life.

Now I’m not condoning what he did. Dog fighting is wrong and should be seen as such, but let’s put this in perspective, it’s not like he was selling heroin to babies or smothering retarded kids in their sleep. Sure he committed a heinous act, but is it really worse than a lot of other crimes that celebrities have been accused/convicted of?

Well here at the JohnsoNation, we are going to find out. I have comprised a list of celebrities that have been accused of, or convicted of different crimes. Let’s see if we can put this whole “Michael Vick” fiasco in the right perception. To help us weigh the severity of these crimes I have created a useful ratings system that is more than adequate at illustrating the severity of each offense. I call it the “Juice O’ Meter”. The worse the crime, the more O.J. Simpsons you get.

On a Juice O’ Meter scale, dog fighting fits pretty snugly in the 2 out of 5 O.J.’s range. But, because all of you stupid dog lovers who uphold that he deserves no less than 5 out of 5 O.J.’s, I’ve decided to meet you in the middle and give him a firm but fair 3 out of 5 O.J.’s. That is what we adults call a compromise; a decision that leaves nobody happy or satisfied. So now that we have Vick’s rating, lets move on to the rest of the criminal elite.

ShamWow! Guy Beats Up a Hooker

The Crime: On February 7, 2009 ShamWow! owner and pitchman Vince Offer (real name Vince Shlomi) was arrested in Miami on a charge of battery after an altercation with a 26-year-old prostitute.

ShamWow he looks bad.

Offer contended that he struck the prostitute when she "bit his tongue and would not let go." Unbeknownst to the rest of the world, the ShamWow! guy loves hookers more than Billy Mays loved a belly full of cocaine.

Prosecutors later declined to file formal charges against either individual.

The Verdict: If we punished every celebrity that has beaten up a hooker, than 75% of Hollywood and the starting lineup for every NBA team would be locked up.

1 out of 5 O.J.’s.

Kobe Bryant “Rapes” a Woman

The Crime: Let’s forget for a second that every time a woman says “no” she really means “yes” and pretend that rape is real.

In the summer of 2003 Kobe Bryant was arrested in connection on the charge of sexual assault, a complaint filed by 19-year old hotel employee named Katelyn Faber. Faber accused Bryant of raping her in his hotel room. Bryant maintained it’s only rape if she didn’t like it, and she loved her some Kobe. After the news hit feminists around the world went ape shit and tried destroying Kobe’s career, labeling him as a rapist and sexist. The accusation tarnished Bryant's reputation, as the public's perception of Bryant plummeted and his numerous endorsement contracts were terminated.

In 2004 the case was thrown out when Faber refused to testify in court. But, since she had filed a civil suite against him before the criminal trial, Kobe still had to prove his innocence in front of a judge. In a display of his confidence that the whole ordeal would be ended in his favor, Kobe settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of money.

The Verdict: Whether he did it or not, it’s hard to shake that whole “rapist” image. But, somehow Kobe Bryant has done just that, and has regained almost all of his sponsorships and his credibility as a role model. The fact that this whole ordeal was so easily forgotten leaves it open to say that he should get a low rating on the Juice O’ Meter. But, the reality that he hit this…

Katelyn Faber

At the risk of losing this…

Mrs. Kobe Bryant

Is the real crime.

2.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.

R Kelly: Can’t Spell Statutory Without “Child Pornography”

The Crime: On June 6, 2002, Kelly was indicted on 21 counts of having sexual intercourse with a minor following the release of a video tape in February 2002 that allegedly showed Kelly and a 14-year-old daughter of an associate engaging in sex. Between mopping his brow for sweat and nervously tugging at his shirt collar, R Kelly managed to deny being the man in the video. The parents of the alleged 14 year old denied that it was their daughter in the video while rolling their eyes and thumbing through large wads of cash.

When the case finally went to trial 6 years later, nobody really cared anymore about the sex tape. By that time the public was angrier with R Kelly over another video that he released…

The Verdict: Having sex with an underage girl, even if it is consensual, is not something to take lightly. Then again I know many guys who subscribe to the belief “If she looks 18 that’s good enough for me” mentality, so it would be obtuse to believe he would be the only guy guilty of the crime “thinking with your dick”.

3 out of 5 O.J.’s.

Donté Stallworth Kills a Man

The Crime: On March 14, 2009, a legally drunk Donté Stallworth struck and killed a pedestrian in Miami. Stallworth was headed toward the beach when he hit 59 year old Mario Reyes. Stallworth admitted to drinking the night prior to the accident, but got so blitzed he was still legally drunk at the time of the accident. Stallworth claims that he flashed his car's headlights to warn Reyes before striking him, believing this would be more appropriate than… you know… stopping.

How Donté Stallworth sees the world.

A Miami Beach police report said Reyes was not in a crosswalk on busy MacArthur Causeway when he was struck by Stallworth, who was driving about 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. Stallworth was charged with a DUI and second degree manslaughter, and was released on $200,000 bail. He pleaded guilty, and received a sentence of 30 days in jail, plus 1,000 hours of community service, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years probation.

To put things into perspective, a football player will get 23 months in prison and three years probation for betting on a death match between Scooby Doo and Lassie, but only serve 30 days in jail for getting wasted and killing a Mexican with his car.

Only in America.

The Verdict: Although the uppity assholes that treat their pets like their children will disagree, dogs are not human beings. Yes its easy to think of a pet like it’s a member of your family, but in the end it’s a dog. Even though it was accidental, Stallworth took the life of another human being. There are people that would argue that Latin Americans are not as cuddly or lovable as their dog, but my response is that they clearly have never met Jorge Garcia.

4.5 out of 5 O.J.’s.

Mike Tyson: Rapist, Possible Cannibal, All around Psychopath

The Crime: In July of 1991 “Iron” Mike Tyson was arrested for the rape of “Miss Black Road Island” Desiree Washington in an Indianapolis hotel room. He must have confused Washington with Lennox Lewis, who Tyson maintains that he will “fuck till you (Lewis) love me, faggot.”

After his release from federal prison Tyson returned to boxing. In 1996 and 1997, Tyson had a series of fights with World Heavyweight rival Evander Holyfield. In the ‘96 bout Holyfield got away with several head butts, something Tyson felt was unacceptable. In the ’97 rematch Tyson retaliated by biting Holyfield’s ear off.

Hey what are you doing? Are you about to...ahhh blaghraufigt!

You would think that tasting the flesh of another human being would be enough for Mike Tyson, but the blood of his enemy has only made “Iron” Mike more detached and dangerous than ever. Here are a few carefully selected quotes to help you understand what we are all dealing with;

On Razor Ruddock:

"March 16th, Mike Tyson [vs.] Razor Ruddock, Razor Ruddock dies. If he doesn't die, it doesn't count. If he's not dead, it doesn't count."

On Francois Botha:

"I think I'll take a bath in his blood."

On Tyrell Biggs' complaining to him about low blows:

"Low blows? Low blows? Huh! Motherfucker you're fittin' to die!"

More on Lennox Lewis:

"I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children."

On the human race:

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating; I could feel his muscle tissues collapse under my force. It's ludicrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm."

"When I fight someone, I want to break his will. I want to take his manhood. I want to rip out his heart and show it to him."

"I'm on the Zoloft to keep me from killing y'all!"

Yeah, this guy looks like a rational human being.

The Verdict: If you think Michael Vick belongs in jail and Mike Tyson doesn't, than please wear tin foil on your head so we know who you are.

5 out of 5 O.J.’s.

Season 1 Finale: Why I Don't Watch Wrestling Anymore

2009-06-17T22:31:00.002+01:00

The other night my good friend Folden came over and we decided to do something that we hadn’t done in a long time; watch WWE Monday Night RAW. Years ago Folden and I were the perennial scholars of professional wrestling at our school. We were two dudes whose fandom could only be rivaled by each other, and it created a bond between us. We were fans before the wrestling boom in the late 90’s and we were fans after the WWE’s (formerly the WWF) popularity had faded. We appreciated the athleticism that was involved and the entertainment the storylines provided. We stuck with it, even when the show became a shadow of its former self.

Eventually watching the show that we loved so much became a burden. The storylines became cheesy, the top wrestlers were unimpressive, and the over all tackiness became too much for us to bear. For the first time we were actually embarrassed to admit we liked professional wrestling, and that is when we knew that we had finally outgrown it. For a few years we would check the websites to see if anything interesting had happened, but we refused to turn on the TV and watch the show.

The other night we were watching a horribly depressing film called A Home of Our Own, and I needed some mind numbing entertainment to get over the emotional roller coaster I was on. I was checking my email during the movie and out of curiosity I ended up on a wrestling spoiler website. While there I learned that RAW was going to be a three hour event, with all 3 world titles on the line. The card had actually made me interested enough to suggest we watch the show. Folden, who was intrigued at the prospect of re-living “the good old days”, agreed with the proposed idea. With that we tuned in to our first Monday Night RAW together in years, and over the course of 3 hours we were reminded exactly why we stopped watching it.

Before I continue a few things need to be explained. For those of you who don’t watch wrestling you need to understand that RAW is just one of four shows the WWE puts on every week. The other shows are Friday Night Smackdown!, ECW on Tuesday nights, and Superstars on Thursdays. RAW, Smackdown!, and ECW each have their own roster of wrestlers that appear solely on their shows, while Superstars is a compilation show that is pre-taped at events and has no real significance when dealing with storylines or titles. The three main shows each have their own set of champions; RAW has the WWE Title, Smackdown! the World Heavyweight Title, and ECW has the ECW title.

Confused yet? Don't worry it gets worse.

Now even though they are supposed to be thought of as separate entities that are independent of each other, they all fly under the WWE banner which Vince McMahon is the chairman of.

Because of this cross promotion is a normal and completely expected thing to occur. With monthly Pay Per Views and the occasional super show, such as last nights RAW, wrestlers from different brands usually interact and compete against each other.

Last night WWE’s Chairman Vince McMahon came out on the show and reported that he was selling RAW to Donald Trump. Not WWE as a whole, but only RAW.

I'll repeat that: Vince McMahon said he was selling Monday Night RAW to Donald Trump.

Do you see the problem here?

RAW is not an independent company or franchise. It is a show that is owned by a bigger corporation…a PUBLICLY TRADED corporation.

Do you see the problem?

Do you?

You cannot sell Monday Night RAW to an outside conglomerate and still have the other shows advertise it. For this storyline to work RAW would no longer be a WWE property. That means no mention of RAW activities on the WWE website, no inclusion of RAW on WWE’s monthly PPV’s, and no more RAW matches on the compilation show Superstars. It would have to become COMPLETELY independent of WWE and its affiliated programs.

Do you see the problem yet?

Do you?

PLEASE GOD TELL ME YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS.

This storyline doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Forget the fact that it includes Donald “where is my self respect” Trump and go by the specific structure of the story they are trying to tell. It makes no sense. Why would WWE create a story that is so clearly full of plot holes and expect it to work?

It’s because Vince McMahon has absolutely zero respect for his audience’s intelligence and assumes they are all retarded.

Before I continue there is something you need to understand about me. I’m not someone that is quick to anger. I usually give everything the benefit of the doubt, and can let most things roll off my back, but one thing I can’t stand is when I feel genuinely disrespected. This is a very big issue for me, and I am willing to let friendships die if I feel disrespected by someone. First I let you know I feel wronged, and then I shut you out until you apologize. And, I don’t just ignore you when you talk to me, I DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR EXISTENCE. There are plenty of people I don’t talk to this day because they couldn’t simply apologize for their behavior. And, don’t call it stubbornness because it’s not… its righteous anger.

That being said I feel like Vince McMahon has disrespected me. But, he didn't just disrespect me, he blatantly insulted my intelligence. He is being more than shunned...he has officially made my bucket list of people I’d like to see killed by a herd of charging rhinos.

I survived through a lot of the shit WWE has put me through. I played along with the Invasion storyline, I shook my head during the Kane/Katie Vick fiasco, and I almost swallowed my own tongue during The Great Kahli's title reign...but this is officially too much. It's too much because I genuinely feel insulted. Vince McMahon has basically confirmed why people think wrestling fans are low brow idiots who eat mayonnaise sandwiches and go to NASCAR events. If he believes he can throw out a plot that is this insulting to his fans intelligence than he obviously thinks they are stupid enough to believe it.

And, the sad truth is that most of the fan base ARE stupid enough to believe it. You know who else is stupid enough to believe it? THE WWE STOCK HOLDERS.

I'm done. I'm officially 100% out from this point on. I will no longer visit the spoiler websites to find out what's going on backstage, I won't watch the occasional PPV...I'M OUT. I'm an adult now and I don't have to be insulted like this by a man who thinks faking his own death on TV is a good idea. It's a shame because a lot of the workers are extremely talented guys who I've been watching since I was in middle school. I'll miss Jericho, Edge, Mysterio, and Christian. I hate to say goodbye to the Hardy Boys and the Big Show, but I simply can't take the lack of respect that McMahon shows to his fans. The only way I would ever watch wrestling again is if I got a job offer to write it, and even then it would have to be for a lot of money. And, I’m talking like, clearly fabricated large amounts of money. Like a gazillion dollars. Plus health benefits…and dental.

Who am I kidding, I’d do it for 20 bucks….I’m such a whore.

On a side note I’m taking the summer off from the blog to spend more time on some writing projects I’ve been working on. I don’t like staying inside on the computer too much during the summer months, and the time I do spend on the computer I want to work on other stuff. Don’t worry though loyal readers, I’ll be back in September. Consider this the end of Season 1. Season 2 will begin sometime in September 2009 and will be on a weekly format. Until then feel free to email, or facebook me with any suggestions for new articles, comments, or hate mail.

God, I love hate mail.

Questionable Comics

2009-05-28T03:48:00.001+01:00

I am a big fan of comic books. I love the intricate plots, the fantastic worlds, and the awe-inspiring super heroes that inhabit the medium. Like most comic enthusiast I have become quite the collector, and have amassed myself a very large assortment of comic books. While I am a huge fan of the characters who reside in these stories, I have not always agreed with the direction that the writers have taken them in. Sometimes an authors’ own beliefs or prejudices can reflect in his treatment of a character they are writing. Most of the time the character will be put in a tense moral situation that will ultimately make them come out stronger than when they went in, but occasionally a character will be written to display attributes and morals that are questionable, weird, or just plain horrible.

So today I toiled over my collection of comic books to bring you some prime examples* of controversial super-hero behavior, and show you that even super-heroes are not exempt from acts of bigotry, sexism, or general insanity.

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing any of the pictures, just click on them to see a larger image.)

Batman #289

Here we have Batman at a local dump investigating the disappearance of the Mayor of Gotham City. While he is in the dump he happens upon a man walking around with not one, but two deadly weapons…a gun and a cigarette.

Guess which one pisses him off.

I always thought Batman’s first target would be the weapon that took his parents lives.

Evidently, I thought wrong.

Superman #54

What is one of the most common things you’ll see in a Superman comic? Lois Lane gets in trouble, and Superman has to rescue her. I always thought it was ridiculous that Lois couldn’t keep herself out of trouble, and just assumed she was a lightning rod for bad luck. That is until I read this…

Not only does Superman cause all the dangers that Lois finds herself in, he’s also sexist enough to blame it on the fact that she’s a woman. Why would Superman do this to the woman he loves?

Because Superman’s a dick, that’s why.

Astonishing X-Men #1

Scott Summers aka Cyclops and Jean Grey had always been the quintessential mutant couple in the X-Men books, and Wolverine was always the third man in their love triangle. For years Wolverine was in love with Jean, and she was torn between both men. After Jean’s death at the hands of Magneto/Xorn, Cyclops moved on by banging Emma Frost. With Jean gone it was assumed that Wolverine and Scott’s rivalry would be put to rest. Unfortunately for Scott, he awoke one morning with a beautiful blonde telepath next to him, and a short hairy killing machine at the end of his bed…

Turns out all these years Wolverine really didn’t have an interest in Jean at all…he just wanted a peek at Scott’s “Cyclops”.

Marvel Team Up: The Incredible Hulk/The Amazing Spider-Man

The Hulk has many bad qualities…such as creating copious amounts of property damage and running around in nothing but purple short-shorts. But, one thing the Hulk has always been consistent of is that he detests everyone indiscriminately. Sure he hates us, but he hates us equally. That is until a new hero made the scene, revealing that Hulk is not just a walking disaster area…

It’s possible that Hulk’s anger towards homosexuals is only because he himself is gay, but is in such denial that he can’t come out of the closet. If that’s true then I pity the anus of the man who is the first victim of “Gay Hulk”.

Green Lantern #48

Hal Jordan was the greatest Green Lantern of them all until he went bat shit crazy, destroyed the Green Lantern Corps, and became the evil entity known as Parallax. Many readers were upset by this sudden transformation. Hal had not displayed any attributes that would lead him to commit wide spread genocide…in fact he was one of the more pure and honest heroes there was. But, if you go back and look at this issue, you’ll see that there was always a horrible darkness in Hal’s soul just waiting to get out…

After this he strangled a mentally retarded kid and drowned a bag full of kittens. Jack Kevorkian, Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacey…those guys don’t have shit on Hal Jordan.

The Amazing Spider-Man #583

Loyal readers will remember my problems with Spider-Man, but if there was one thing I appreciated about the guy is that he speaks for all people. He is the quintessential every-man of the Marvel universe, so naturally he would be the first hero to meet our new President Barack Obama face to face in the pages of his book…

Guess Spider-Man speaks for all people unless they have brown skin. That mask might as well be a white hood.

*All comics were altered at the authors discretion to suite the needs of this article.

The “Superman” vs. The “Batman”: Which One Are You?

2009-05-19T06:00:00.001+01:00

Men are not hard to figure out. For some reason women want to pretend that we are these dreadfully intricate problems that are in desperate need of unraveling. The truth is that we are not that complex; in fact you can pretty much boil down men into two types. Throughout history mythological creatures have always been seen as a mirror of humanity. Icarus was a symbol for the over eagerness of youth. Achilles was a representation of men who appeared invincible, but were destroyed by their weaknesses. In this modern world you need not look any further than our own mythologies for what men are like in our era.

The "Superman" and the "Batman"

When dissected and analyzed, all men will fall into one of these two categories. Some of their traits will overlap; some will share qualities of both. But, ultimately a man is one or the other...the question is which one are you?

The Superman
The “Superman” is the man who is a moral barometer. To him the world is in black and white...there is no gray. The "Superman” is very protective and is not braggadocios. He is they type of guy that girls end up marrying. He is the knight in shining armor, the prince every girl has dreamed of. He's the man that will fly you through the atmosphere with a kiss, and will catch you when you fall. He is the hero...the boy scout...the man every girl can count on.

Pros

Loyalty- When the “Superman” type of guy tells you that there is no one else but you he usually means it. He’s not the type of guy that is going to go behind your back. The “Superman” will go to the ends of the earth to make you happy, and will work hard to provide for you in a way that will make you comfortable. The “Superman” has a very “old school” out look on life, where he is the man of the house, and must provide for it and protect it. If you have the heart of a “Superman” you’ll have it forever.

Humility- Look at the relationship between Superman and Lois Lane; here you have a man who could have any woman he wants, but chooses Lois simply because he feels that HE is the one who is lucky to have her, and not the other way around. Humility is very important to the “Superman” type because he realizes that the world does not revolve around him. This does not mean that the “Superman” is not prone to bouts of egotism and self riotousness, but it does mean that he is easy to pull out of these dispositions.

Chivalry- The "Superman" is the kind of guy that will lay his jacket on the ground to keep a girl from stepping in the mud. He is virtuous, honorable, and generally courteous to all women. You know that guy that always opens the car door for girls, even when they don’t ask or expect him to? That’s a trait of the “Superman”. Being chivalrous also contains virtues such as mercy, courage, valor, fairness, and protection of the weak and the poor. This also brings with it the idea of being willing to give one’s life for another’s; whether he would be giving his life for his greatest enemy or the woman he loves. Sounds a lot like a certain red caped man of steel, doesn’t it?

Sensitivity- If you’re hurting then he is hurting. The “Superman” will empathize with every little pain you are going through. Whether you’re the woman he loves, or his best buddy, the “Superman” will help burden your pain. He will also be open and candid with you about HIS feelings. Ladies, if it doesn’t take much for you to get your guy to tell you how he’s feeling then you probably have a native son of the planet Krypton on your hands. The good news is, with a “Superman” you are always going to be his top priority…

Cons

Sensitivity

…The bad news is, with a “Superman” you are always going to be his top priority. This is a double edged sword, because while it’s a good thing to be sensitive to others and their needs, it’s a bad thing to be overly sensitive. There is nothing worse than a guy who is always talking about his problems, is overly clingy, and is constantly in need of affection. This is also known as an “Emo Complex”. Some will argue that Batman is a better example of being emo, but the evidence clearly points to the Man of Tomorrow. Need proof? Watch Superman Returns and try to tell me he wasn’t two steps away from picking up a guitar and writing break up songs about Lois. These types of guys are also likely to cry before the woman is in an argument, especially if he feels the relationship is in danger. Tears are a “Superman’s” favorite tool, and can often lead to the woman feeling like she has the bigger pair in the relationship.

Passiveness

Can you pretty much get your guy to do whatever you want just by being mad at him? Does he do whatever he can to avoid arguments with you, admitting he's wrong even when he is clearly right? Does he tell you what you want to hear as apposed to what you need to hear? That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Super-passive-Man. The “Superman” doesn’t care how a problem is solved, he just wants things to be okay between the two of you. For you ladies who like to have a guy you can walk all over, this is the guy for you. The "Superman" will avoid confrontation unless it is absolutely necessary, and even then he'll act like kind of a pussy.

The biggest problem with a passive guy is that not only will he not stick up for himself, he will let you get away with anything, even if it brings you harm. So he might be a knight who barrels in to save you from a criminal trying to rob you of your womanhood, but he'll tuck his tail and run the first time you scold him for insinuating to know whats best for you.

Lack of Excitement

The idea of the "Superman" is woman find him safe and are secure with him. Safety and security are two very boring things. The "Superman" starts off exciting and fun, but that's because you're getting to know him. Eventually checking out his stamp collection and watching G rated movies every weekend tends to run its course, and you'll desire something a little more thrilling. It all has to do with the safety issue; "Superman" does not want to put you in harms way, and he is obsessed with making sure your every need is accounted for. Every need that is except for your need to get the hell out of the dull as hell rut you are in.

Once you get to know everything there is to know about you're "Superman" (and you will because of his "sensitivity" and "openness") consider yourself done. There will be no more excitement, no more thrills. Just you and him, sitting on the couch while he reads the paper, and you sit there pretending to sew, but are really wondering why the hell you've spent all these years with a man as exciting as Curling. If you want some excitement, try throwing yourself off the roof to see if the "Superman" will catch you. Spoiler alert: HE WON'T.

Homebody/Mama’s Boy

The "Superman" really does love his girlfriend/fiance/wife with all his heart...he just loves his mother a tiny bit more. The "Superman" still feels a strong, excessive connection with the woman who brought him into this world, and if you try to get between them than may the Lord pity you. You see, the "Superman" can put up with a lot from a woman. He'll take you yelling at him like a little boy in public, he'll let you take him shopping and pick out his cloths, and he'll let you remind him to do every simple task in his life, because those are things his mother always did for him. In all reality the "Superman" will not date a woman unless she can fill the "nurturing" role that his mother did his entire life. The "Superman" likes having his significant other treat him like a child because he still feels that attachment to his mother, but you will never be able to fill her void.

Also the "Superman" is the kind of guy who has the desire to settle down in his hometown, never really feeling a need to live anywhere else. This is fine if you want to stay close to home, but an adventurous woman is going to have serious issues with a guy that can't really commit to growing up. Oh, and don't say anything bad about his mother, or he'll bring down the wrath of Krypton on your ass.

The Batman

The “Batman” is the man who lives in the gray area of life. The "Batman" is confident and strong-willed. He is does not like playing games, and gets to the bottom of every situation with style and class. He is exciting, creative, spontaneous, outgoing, and he always keeps you on your toes. The Batman is the guy a girl will have a fling with one crazy weekend in Hawaii. The "Batman" is a mystery, even to himself, making him even more irresistible.

Pros

Assertiveness- The "Batman" isn't going to put up with your shit. If you do something he doesn't like he's going to let you know about it. With the "Batman" passiveness is not and option. If he thinks you're doing something stupid that could possibly cause you or someone else harm, he's going to try and put a stop to it. Do not confuse this with someone who is controlling. The "Batman" does not want to control you, but he wants you to have some sense. Also the "Batman" will take offensive when dealing with issues. If he is in an argument with someone, he won't back down until it is resolved. The phrase "never go to bed angry" must have been coined by a "Batman" type, because his determination will not allow for unresolved conflict to continue. His assertiveness transcends relationships. The "Batman" is assertive in every aspect of his life. If something needs to get done, you can be sure he'll do it. Reliability is something the "Batman" has in spades, and it's all thanks to an assertive personality.

Ready for Anything- The "Batman" is a man who thinks ahead. He does not take care of problems as they come, he prepares for every eventuality with precision. The "Batman" is a foreword thinker, and that is good to have with someone you are planning your life with. You don't need to tell the "Batman" to do things, because chances are he's already thought of them and completed the task. His ability to look ahead also is an attribute when planning financially. The "Batman" is not the type to frivolously spend money. Every cent is accounted for when planning the most minuet task. Whether it be making a down payment on a house, or planning a weekend getaway to New York, the "Batman" will be financially, and mentally prepared for every eventuality.

Dedication-The "Batman" tries to make the best of every situation, and that takes dedication. If the two of you are having problems, the "Batman" will not turn tail and run away, he will try to work things out. And, if you are facing some huge problem and need support, the "Batman" is there by your side, ready to take whatever problem you have together. The "Batman" will show complete dedication to you, and everything you care about. If its something that really matters to you, than the "Batman" will see it through to the end.

Excitement-Mystery is exciting, and the "Batman" is as mysterious as they come. He has an air of curiosity that surrounds him making women want to discover what makes him tick. He does not reveal himself, it takes some digging, and that is part of the excitement. It's true that men love to chase women, but equally women love to discover who a man really is. The "Batman" is also a guy who always has something going on. Whether he's made a weekend trip to Las Vegas or is just having a bonfire party with some friends, the "Batman" has always planning his next event. The "Batman" doesn't like staying in one place for very long, and is always looking for some new adventure.

Cons

Bouts of Weirdness/Insanity

One reason the "Batman" might be so exciting is because he isn't completely right in the head. I'm not insinuating that this type is completely bonkers, they just see the world a little differently than most people do. The "Batman" is a collector of many things, some that can be even considered obscure...like empty Pepsi cans, or flashlights. The "Batman" is also prone to spouting out random comments. For example;

Guy 1: Hey did you guys see Ted drop that pass?
Guy 2: Yeah, he's a real butter fingers!
"Batman": If I could travel through time, I'd punch Mark Twain right in the balls.
Guy 1 & 2: (silence)

Some "Batman" types will keep a journal, but be warned; if you read the "Batman's" journal, you are likely to get freaked out a bit. These are his private thoughts that he does not want to share with anyone. If the things he lets out of his mouth are considered "weird" than imagine what he doesn't say. Best to just put the journal down, and go watch Hellraiser, which I can guarantee won't be nearly as creepy and disturbing.

Mommy/Daddy Issues

Unlike the "Superman" type the only feelings the "Batman" has for his parents is contempt. He does not hate them, but he is much happier living his life without their involvement. Most likely he holds some sort of resentment for them due to the way they raised him. The "Batman" tends to mimic his parents bad habits, despite his best attempts not to. This becomes and issue when the "Batman" becomes a father himself. It is not guaranteed that he will be a bad father, but he is likely to be the kind of dad a son grows up resenting. If his dad pushed him into sports, he will push his son into sports. If his dad was emotionally distant, he will be emotionally distant.

Also, the "Batman" does not like to talk about his childhood. Whether it be due to being abused as a child, or maybe mom just didn't hug him enough...the "Batman" will avoid all discussion about how things were for him as a child, which is a great lead in to my next point...

Lack of Communication

The "Batman" does not like to discuss how he feels about things. If he feels the need to discuss a feeling he has, he will come to you and discuss it with you. What he hates more than sharing his feelings is being ASKED to share his feelings. Sometimes it is due to a "macho man" complex, a belief that men are not supposed to discuss their emotions. Sometimes its just because he is introverted and needs to assess his feelings before discussing them. But, this becomes and issue for most women who LOVE to talk about their feelings, and want their man to do the same.

It is important for couples to talk about things. When couples don't talk about their feelings it creates distance, and can drive a wedge between even the strongest couple. A lack of communication can lead to a lot of problems, such as sexual frustration, petty arguments, infidelity, and even divorce. With the "Batman" a woman will have to constantly be fighting to get him to open up, and even if he does it will only be temporary.

Obsession

(Editor's Note: If you are having problems viewing the picture above, just click on it to see a larger image.)

Remember when I said the "Batman" was reliable, and assertive? Those attributes exist because of obsession. The "Batman" cannot let anything go. Yes, he does follow through with things, and yes he does get them done, but at what cost? Everyone knows that guy who can't relax. He's always has some problem to solve, or some project to attend to. He makes more time for his hobbies than the people in his life.

The obsession can be almost anything. It could be fantasy football, or playing video games. Sometimes the obsession can be your relationship, and he is constantly trying to make repairs where none are necessary. The "Batman" will try to find problems that you two are having or could potentially have, simply because he cannot stop himself from trying to fix things. It is how he identifies himself, how he feels useful. The "Batman's" obsessions are his life, an they can lead to long term problems for a couple. Whether it be the woman feels like she isn't a priority (because she isn't) or because she feels like he's smothering her with his paranoia, it can drive any woman out of her mind. The only comfort is that it's not because of you, it's because he's a nut job with a screwy perception of life.

***

Most men are not going to fit into these roles perfectly. They are more likely to have traits from both types, making you think you have a "Super-Bat Man" on your hands. While it is true that you could have a dedicated, passive, chivalrous, and possibly insane man on your hands, ultimately either the "Superman" or the "Batman" personality type will be dominate. I hope I have provided some insight for the women of the world on what kind of man you are, and to the men I say this; whether you be a "Superman" or a "Batman" remember one thing...

It is never okay to wear your pajamas outside. I don't care how "cool" you think you look in a cape, it's not as manly as you think. Don't believe me?

I rest my case.

Lets Be Friends, Josh Jenkins

2009-05-13T22:23:00.001+01:00

Lets be friends, Josh Jenkins.

Actually, I’ll do you one better…let’s be BEST FRIENDS. I know what you’re going to say;

“Johnson, we are already friends. Please stop crying dude, its pathetic.”

I say nay. We are not friends Josh Jenkins. We are acquaintances… buddies at best. We have only hung out a few times and our communication has been fairly limited. Truth is Josh Jenkins it escapes me why we have not hung out more. We both are close with my editor Robert Hibbs and we both attend Alicia Keyes concerts whenever she comes within a 200 mile radius of Pittsburgh. I see you at the concerts man, don’t try to deny it. The fact that we have not openly discussed this common love and attended concerts together is just ridiculous.

I have to admit to you Josh Jenkins that I don’t have very many friends. I have many acquaintances yes, but recently I have discovered that most people don’t really like me that much. Actually that’s not true…I think the words “despise” and “hate” are more accurate description of how people feel about me. The few people that do want to be my friends are usually very annoying, and I could do without their influence dragging me down. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t have very many “cool” friends. I plan on modifying this with the inclusion of you into my friendship stable.

We have so much in common Josh Jenkins that it would be considered morally reprehensible if we did not become best friends. We both take pleasure in a good steam bath, we enjoy karaoke jam sessions (or as I call it, “Oke Out with my Wang Out”) and we both have a genuine admiration for the Klingon Culture.

Also, we both enjoy writing and making comedic videos. I have to admit that your in-depth research into Mark Twain’s unpublished writings made me laugh so hard I soiled myself in public. I think if we combined our talents we could become the best comedy duo since Simon and Garfunkel. With your natural charisma and school boy good looks, and my talent for writing and willingness to “do what needs to be done” to get ahead, our stars will rise faster than Jorge García’s cholesterol.

The reason I think people don’t like me is pure resentment over the fact that I’m so awesome. My wife claims that the reason people don’t like me is because I “tend to live in a fantasy world where I think I am awesome.” We both know she’s full of shit, due to her lack of awesomeness and inability to understand awesomeness. In any case I know it wouldn’t be a problem for you, because you and I share the same attributes that make me so awesome in the first place. Our common factors are what will take us from “casual acquaintances” to “super bitchin' best friends”.

I must also mention that friendship with me comes with many perks:

I will protect you from animal attacks (except bears and sharks).
I have a tendency to break into song and dance, often creating a musical number with any professional dancers that happen to be in the near vicinity.
I will protect you from Tyler Perry, and his movies.
I’ll stop throwing eggs at you from a distance as you walk to class.

What? You don’t think this is enough for us to be SBBF’s? Well I went out and got a signed letter from the man you admire most, where he proclaims that you and I should be super bitchin' best friends forever.

Consider that the “ace up my sleeve”. And, by “ace up my sleeve” I actually mean “Shatner in my basement with a gun pointed at his head”.

So come on, let’s quit dickin’ around like a couple of dicks on dick vacation and be super bitchin' best friends forever. After we sign the SBBFF contracts...you know dot the i’s and cross the t’s...we can go out and I’ll treat you to buying me ice cream. I like cookie dough and vanilla, and after you sign the “friendship indenture” it will be your favorite too.

Oh, and by the way don’t worry about breaking the news to Owens. I told him you won’t be BFF’s with him any more. He took it pretty well.

If you don’t see him for a while, it’s because he went on vacation…with his grandma….to Utah. And, as you know, they do not allow phones there. Probably best just to forget him.