Tuesday, May 4, 2010

We Have a Problem...

Between Aaron Rift and You

Andrew Johnson May 1 at 11:32am 
Dear Mr. Rift,

Hi there. You might not know me personally, but I’m sure you’ve at least heard of my greatness. I’m a very important columnist over at TJR. So how are things going? Is life treating you well? I have to be honest I really don’t give a shit, but when one messages a person they have never met, usually some pleasantries must be discussed.

Since I assume your time is as valuable and sexy as mine, I’ll get right to my point. Every once in a while I’m forced to link to your website to reference happenings in the wrestling industry. I do this because a) John makes me site my sources, and b) I don’t know any other sites to link to. For an internet sensation such as myself I spend very little time online, and when I am on I’m usually writing gut-bustlingly funny articles, or emailing Doctor Money pictures of me banging his sister.

Any shit, the other day I was reading one of my articles and laughing myself stupid when I accidently clicked on the link to your site. Not realizing how the “back” button worked, I decided to keep perusing your site pages until I found a link back to my library of genius. It took me several hours to fully realize that you are completely lacking any and all links or references to my articles at TJR, and because of that we have a few problems to discuss.

First off; what the hell? I know you use a lot of your websites valuable space to post stupid YouTube videos of indie-wrestlers and pre-teen vloggers bitching about how everything sucks, but I thought you would have at least given me a shout out. At first I assumed you just didn’t post columns on your site. I was ready to head over to Rajah.com to play “extreme pop-up closing” when I noticed you do have a section for columnists, and it’s all the way at the bottom of the page.

Which brings me to my second problem; What the HELL?!

Did you think I wouldn’t notice this? Did you think I wouldn’t discover that you post articles by several columnists, and I have not been asked to participate? This is a travesty sir. I’d call you a horse-fucker but my mother raised me right, you horse-fucker. I’m sorry I said that, I’m just under a lot of pressure. I would have deleted all of what I just wrote, but my backspace key is technically a mini Twix bar. I’m just very hurt that you would promote all these other turds and exclude me from your line-up. Granted, it’s not like you properly promote columns since they are all the way at the bottom of your site, but publicity is publicity and I have to tell you I have been truly offended.

Which brings me to my last issue with NoDq.com; in my travels around your website I came across a “show” where a guy sits and discusses the happenings in professional wrestling. And, after watching a few of these episodes I have to tell you, this guy has got some pretty big balls. In all of the videos I watched, not ONCE does he mention me. He’s even sitting at a computer in one of them! All he had to do was look up one of my articles and read it out loud, occasionally pausing for bouts of hysterical laughter and praise! Is that too fucking much to ask?

Despite the fact that I have been grossly mistreated, I have decided to give you a chance to make it up to me. Here is a list of ways you can make this right;

1. A written public apology signed in blood, and kept on the front page of your website for no less than one year.
2. Start posting my columns above all other columns, and pay me double what you pay them.
3. An acknowledgement on your weekly web show, plus an open interview discussing my childhood and time as Awesome Kong’s cage cleaner.
4. An award. I noticed that you give out end of the year awards, and I want one. Nothing too fancy, just a trophy made of jewels and gold. Nothing bigger than 6 ft though; be considerate to my trophy case.

I expect you to make this right Mr. Rift, if that is your real name. You must understand that I am not doing this out of malice, but out of justice. I deserve your recognition, and I will get it, even if I have to burn NoDq.com to the ground.

I eagerly await your response! Thanks and have a great day!


Andrew Johnson Esquire

Aaron Rift May 1 at 3:25pm

What is TJR?

Andrew Johnson May 1 at 3:41pm 
You rat bastard. You're pretending not to know what TJR is so you can weasel your way out this huh? Prepare for war, NoDq boy.


  1. I’d call you a horse-fucker but my mother raised me right, you horse-fucker.

    I lol'd.