Thursday, January 21, 2010

Sports Entertainment Weekly: Jan. 14, 2010-Jan 21,2010


This week, in Sports Entertainment…  

Jerry Springer to Host Raw

WWE.com has reported that Jerry Springer will be hosting the February 15th edition of Monday Night Raw. When asked for comment, people around the United States nodded their heads and said “That sounds about right,” before going on with their day.

When asked why he was doing the show, Springer said, "Because they asked." Springer followed that comment by saying "I do stupid things!"

Hey Vince, Jerry Springer thinks hosting your show is a bad career move. I was going to try and come up with a punch line but I think the set up is funny enough.

Bubba the Love Sponge Gets Beat Up by a Woman
 
Early this week radio talk-show host and TNA backstage personality Bubba the Love Sponge made some Twitter comments about Haiti that even a raging douche bag would find questionable. Bubba, who fancies himself as “cutting edge,” and “extreme” basically told the people of Haiti to go fuck themselves. This is a quote from his Twitter page;

"I say fuck hati. Why do we have to take care of everybody our country is in shambles. Bubba"

This reportedly upset Awesome Kong, who is what scientists believe to be the closest living relative to Big Foot. When her handlers were unable to subdue her with raw steaks and tranquilizers, she rushed Bubba and mercilessly beat him to a pulp. Bubba was sent home by TNA management for being a cock sucker who got what he deserved, while Kong was eventually restrained and lead back to her cage with bacon strips.



“WWE is More than Wrestling” Says WWE Exec

Early this week a WWE executive named Donna Goldsmith said one of her biggest challenges as a WWE executive is “dispelling misconceptions” about WWE that includes the use of “pro wrestling” to describe WWE’s business.
Goldsmith said, “That term just doesn’t give us the credibility we deserve…the magnitude and size of our business makes us much more than professional wrestling.”

When asked for a comment the rest of the entertainment industry just laughed hysterically.

TNA Tells Fans to Behave


Prior to Monday's TNA IMPACT! taping, members of TNA's production team addressed the Impact Zone fans with instructions about "how act like cast members" during the show.


"You are cast members here,” the production team said.  “It's active, it's TV-14, please, I know its fun to try to distract the talent up here, but they have to tell a story to two million people. You're part of us. You're helping us tell the story. Please don't try and distract the story."


The director also told TNA fans not to "throw up gang signs" or chant bad words during the show, because it makes the wrestlers cry. If violations continued then the fans would be kept after the show for detention, where they would be forced to clean the chalk boards and write essays about why swearing is bad. They said further disruptions would be dealt with firmer punishments, but TNA management doesn’t want to have to call the crowds parents.

Scott Hall Reveals He is Actually an Overweight Teenage Girl

Scott Hall was supposed to tag team with Kevin Nash at Genesis on Sunday, but that didn’t come into fruition. The rumor was that Hall was so disgusted with the sight of himself in tights that he locked himself in the bathroom and refused to come out. Hulk Hogan tried to persuade him out with chocolate bars and reassuring words, but was only successful after he promised they would both go to the homecoming dance stag, and would watch both “Twilight” movies back to back while they wrote fan-fiction.

After it was announced that Hall wouldn’t be on the card, wrestling fans the world over got together to buy him a huge cake as a thank you. They immediately canceled the order in angry disgust when they heard he was going to be replaced by Sean “X-Pac” Waltman.














The Rock Discusses Returning to WWE

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson showed up to promote his new movie The Tooth Fairy on CBS's The Late Show with David Letterman this past Tuesday. When Letterman asked him about a possible WWE return, Johnson had the following to say:

"No, not necessarily for a match," Johnson said. "That provided me with a great platform, performing in front of people. So if I ever went back, it would be probably in the capacity of hosting and having fun on the show and entertaining and having a great time."

Normally I would cite a return to the WWE as a step backward, but when you’re plugging a movie called The Tooth Fairy going back to the well doesn’t really sound so bad.

Mr. Anderson Makes Mediocre Debut at TNA Genesis

On Sunday the former Mr. Kennedy, Ken Anderson, made his TNA debut. In a polite gesture the crowd pretended to care when he made his entrance, but it was mostly out of pity.

“We felt bad for him,” said fans in attendance. “You could tell he was really excited. We really didn’t care he was there, but when we didn’t react he got this sad look on his face. It was so pitiful we threw him a bone and gave him a half-hearted pop. It really seemed to pick him up.”

At first we didn’t know who he was,” the fans continued, “but we decided to play along. Then some kid in the 5th row googled him on his iPhone and we realized he used to be kind of famous. Poor guy must have really fallen onto some hard times if he’s here. We’ve decided to keep humoring him until he gets hurt again. Apparently that happens pretty often.”

When approached for a post-match comment, Mr. Anderson could only get out a few words;


“They like me!” he said with tears in his eyes, “They really like me.”

See you next week,

-Johnson

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