Monday, November 30, 2009

The Johnson Brother Trilogy: Part 1: Johnson Brothers Around the World

Around Christmas 2008, my brother Adam had a great idea...

"Andrew," he said as he threw his gin glass against the wall, "I'm tired of hanging around Wellsburg! We should get out more."

I looked at him and scoffed, "What do you mean? We went to Follansbee just yesterday. And, the day before we thought of going to Steubenville, but didn't because that Designing Women's Marathon was on. We get out plenty."

"I'm sick of not doing anything Andrew! We should see the world..." he then extended his hand to me and shot me a warm smile that could melt the polar ice caps, "...we're...BROTHERS. We must do this...TOGETHER."

My frown instantly turned upside down as I took his hand, " Alright! But I declare that everywhere we go, we always wear the same cloths and always strike the same pose."

Adam nodded his head, "Agreed....BROTHER."

"You need to stop that."

He gently nodded his head in agreement, realizing how stupid he must have sounded.

"So, where do you want to go first?"

I shot to my feet in excitement, for I knew the perfect place to begin our journey...


In the excitement of the moment it took us quite some time for us to realize we were in the most romantic place on earth...TOGETHER. On the second day in the capitol of love, Adam got a little restless, and possibly creeped out by the realization of our predicament.

"Andrew, we need to leave. I'm bored out of my mind."

"What are you talking about? There are plenty of things to do here, take in the culture a little."

"I have been taking in the culture and you know what I've discovered? France sucks."

I stared at him in utter shock, "Adam, the French pride themselves on their culture!"

He rolled his eyes, "I don't understand why. All of their songs sound the same and the only movies they have worth watching are the ones with gratuitous nudity."

"Well what about the food," I asked, "have you tried any of their fine cuisines?"

At that point Adam's fist stopped right in front of my face.

"Let's face it," he said through gritted teeth, "No matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back."

"Okay," I said, trying to calm his rage, "Where do you want to go?"

Adam looked up to the heavens and stared for about three hours. Just when the third episode of French Golden Girls began he came out of his thought induced coma.

"Oh I have the perfect place..."

"... China!"

"Adam, this was a horrible idea."

"Oh really Andrew, why is that?"

"Because we're in China."

Adam shook his head in disbelief, "Why is that such a bad thing?"

"Well, first and foremost it's a communist society that are firm believers in censorship. There is horrible pollution, it's noisy, and Michael Bay films are held in high regard."

Tears poured down Adam's eyes as he ran down the great wall screaming, "No! No! Transformers was horrible!"

We were longing for the old red, white and blue, so we decided to do some sight seeing in the land of the free. Our first stop...

...the Grand Canyon.

I stared out at the massive gorge, eyes glowing, "Look Adam, look at the majesty of the Grand Canyon. Such beauty cannot truly be described in words."

Adam was not impressed. " This is just a giant hole. Who cares?"

"Adam, do you even know how this hole was created?"

"Of course, Paul Bunyon farted so hard that it created a massive hole in the earth. After that a bunch of Aliens landed here and began excavating it for rock samples to help fly there ships into the sun. Then giant earth worms made this there home for generations until Teddy Roosevelt chased them out with only a walking stick and a flare gun."

I looked at Adam in complete amazement, "Exactly."

We then then high-fived so hard it made the canyon crumble into another even bigger canyon. We then peed over the ledge and chucked beer cans into the over-hyped hole.

"Let's just go home," Adam belched as grabbed the black Stetson hat he got at a gas station in Topeka, Kansas. "Were just about out of money and I want to make it back in time to watch Charles in Charge."

So we began our journey home, but sadly we stopped in Vegas and Adam lost most of our money on Keno.

We only had enough money to get us to...


Welcome to hell.

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