Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Guest Blogger Marcia Metz: I Knew I Should Have Made a Left After Thanksgiving

***Spoiler alert*** If you still believe in Santa Clause, The Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy and/or the Mexican Midgets, do not read this blog.

Most of my favorite childhood memories are from the Holiday’s. Waking up Christmas morning to find that the bribe I left with Snarky the Elf for the big man paid off as I had a massive stash of presents from Santa Clause, or the time that the Santa at the Mall was arrested coming out of the bathroom with my 3rd grade teacher after eating the brownies he made him.

I can remember the excitement building as we hit Thanksgiving because you knew you only had a few weeks left till Christmas. We would have Thanksgiving then take turns going through Toys R Us’ Big Toy Book marking all the items we wanted.

I can tell you I was never so dishearten to see that the Toys R Us toy book has been out since Oct. I had not even had a chance to wear my Xena Warrior Princess Halloween Costume and my grand mother was asking me what I wanted for Christmas this year. I am even getting adds for stores advertising for “ Pre-pre-pre Thanksgiving day Sales.” What is our world coming to that we start celebrating Christmas in October? I have a few ideas and people to blame for this madness.


Why should a country that gives free health care to everyone care what day they celebrate Christmas. Heck to them everyday is Christmas when you get stuff free.

And, lets think about this, who else would benefit from having a holiday that is centered around snow and cold weather other than our neighbors to the North. Every day is Christmas to them. Boxing day? WTF.

What Boxing Day SHOULD be.

Has anyone ever actually been to the North Pole? I personally think that the North Pole was taken by the Canadian’s and was used as the crossbar for the Canucks all those years they won the Stanley Cup.

This here's a real big cup eh?


What is up with his white beard and jolly laugh of his. He is always on the TV and who does he remind us of? A certain larger jolly man with a white beard and very distinctive laugh. Come to think of it, besides the Santa’s at our local malls, has anyone really seen the actual Santa Clause? It makes sense, there is no way an obese man in a velvet suit could fit down the chimney let alone back up. Now if he was..say..a roaming gnome, he would have no problem in getting up and down. For all we know the “roaming gnome” is his gig in the off season.


I also feel it is very important to blame Wal-mart. Wal-mart has the market corned on preemptive holiday buying. A few weeks ago I went to buy Halloween Candy and had to give out Easter Skittles to all the kids because apparently Wally World has their own calendar of holiday’s they abide by. It sucks major monkey farts.

And, there is nothing I like to do more then try on bathing suites when we have 2 feet of snow outside. I feel as though I need to take Mr. Wal-mart himself and spin him on the gnomes hat until his calendar is aligned with the rest of society because I don’t know about you but I love when I have to send out Martin Luther King cards to all my family because Wal-mart put away all their Christmas stock in October.


Lastly I feel it is import to blame the economy, for no other reason than everyone else does when something poopy happens. It’s the economies fault that people are not spending or the economy is causing American’s to conserve this year on gifts. Oh our economy is the reason we can’t get health care reform passed and my personal favorite, the economy is the reason for global warming.

So this year when your children have Reese’s Easter eggs in their stockings or they have to look for pine cones at Easter, you now have the ability to blame someone for your procrastination, because if we were really good parents and family members we would have bought our Christmas Cards in July and Jelly Beans in September.

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