Tuesday, March 31, 2009

5 Reasons Why Simon Woods Is Better Than You

Throughout my life I have had the pleasure of meeting many different kinds of people. Unfortunately there are a finite amount of personalities in this world, so eventually you will meet every single one. I thought I had met them all...that is until I met Simon Woods. Who is Simon Woods you ask? If you don't know by now than I pity you. Simon Woods is a hurricane of ferocity and manliness that came into being sometime in the late 70's. I've known Simon now for close to five years, and I can say with utmost sincerity that he is one of the best examples of perfection that I have ever seen. In honor of this I have compiled a list to show the world his superiority. I did not do this because he has died (he can't die), or because it's his birthday (no one is really sure what day he was born). I do this simply to acknowledge awesomeness. Here are five reasons why Simon Woods is better than you.

#1: He drips manliness everywhere he goes.

Simon is so manly that the United States Census Bureau has him registered as two people. You know why? Because he's so manly they couldn't contain it in one human being. He grows facial hair quicker than most people can inhale oxygen. When he walks into a room, no matter how many women are there, the testosterone level instantly surpasses the estrogen.

So what makes him so manly? Some people think its the occasional handlebar mustache that he grows over the course of a meal, some think its his deep booming voice that makes the sky's crack and women swoon. While these are great examples, I believe it is the fact that he simply does not give a shit about what you think.

Yeah, that's right...you. Especially you.


Need proof? Check this out.

There is a big difference between someone who THINKS they are manly, and someone who IS manly. The difference is that someone who thinks he's manly will scoff at the costume, while someone who is manly will wear it with pride.

And, then he'd kick your ass while wearing it.

Damn he's manly.

#2: He is a trained killer.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this: Simon Woods could kill you before the thought of dying even crossed your mind. For those of you lucky enough for him to call you "friend" this is a good thing. For those of you who don't, it's probably the worst thing that could happen to you short of getting AIDS.

On second thought I take that back. He's more dangerous than AIDS. You'd be lucky to get AIDS instead of angering this man.
To this date I have confirmed at least forty-four documented kills. He has taken forty-four lives. When I asked him why so few, his answer was, "Johnson, those are only the documented ones."

Before you ask, the answer is no, he has not been in the army. That is not the excuse for his massive body count. It might have something to do with the fact that when he used to work at Big Bear, he would walk home counting his money in the open, with the hopes that someone would try to mug him. I do know that he was trained in the tae kwan do, and spent some time with a group of Navy Seals we met at an IHOP one weekend. Aside from that I'm not really sure where his blood lust comes from. I once joked that an army of squirrels were going to take him down. He responded with utmost sincerity, "If that's true, then very shortly squirrels will become an endangered species."

And, he likes squirrels. Think of what he'd do to YOU.

#3: He's multi-talented.

Not only is Simon an accomplished killing machine, he's also a talented actor. He's been in many productions for local theatre, Internet videos, and does voice overs for movies. He's not credited of course, because he doesn't need the approval of people below him. He was the writer/director/tyrant of Campus Crusade for Christ's skit team for two years, and even when he wasn't in charge the rest of the team deferred to him when it came to making decisions. Why did we do that? Because he has a better grasp on the art of acting and performing than anyone we've ever met.

Simon Woods is not just an actor/director though. He's also an accomplished writer. Majoring in English Writing at Marshall University, Simon marched to the beat of his own drum. He wrote a series of sonnets called An Ode to Die Hard. He wrote a story about a wizard boy who fights evil, but sold it to J.K. Rowling after he deemed it "not manly enough" for his name to be attached to it. Simon Woods has talent pouring out of his ass. What he calls diarrhea, we call genius.

#4: All of the Chuck Norris facts are actually about him.

You know all those clever little "facts" about Chuck Norris that have been circulating the Internet over the past few years? Well that actually started as "Simon Woods Facts". He had a website and everything. The only reason it was changed to Chuck Norris was because Simon was afraid of being too well known, and he wanted to continue to operate in secret. Here are some of the best facts changed to what they were originally meant to be:

  • Simon Woods puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

  • For most people, home is where the heart is. For Simon Woods, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

  • Simon Woods doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

  • When Simon Woods does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

  • Some people where Chuck Norris pajamas. Chuck Norris wears Simon Woods pajamas.

  • Simon Woods cannot love, he can only not kill.

If you want go to the website and just change the name Chuck Norris to Simon Woods on every entry. Chuck Norris is a bitch compared to Simon Woods.

#5: He's a loyal friend.

I can honestly say, in all seriousness, that Simon Woods is one of my best friends. Simon and I have been friends for five years, and he's one of the handful of people who I have been completely vulnerable with. His girlfriend Christi says I have a crush on him, and my wife calls it a "bromance". I'm not ashamed to say that I love him like a brother, and even though he would never admit it because it would be a sign of weakness (he hates weakness) I know he feels the same way. He's someone I know I'll be friends with until I die. But, I'm not the only person who feels this way about Simon. He has been a loyal friend to many over the years, and he is always there to provide advice or a quick slap to the face to bring you to your senses. Simon Woods rocks the shit boys and girls.

He's also very generous. One year for my birthday, he gave me a great gift; he allowed me to slap him in public and call him a bitch. That's right, the manliest man who has ever lived allowed me to emasculate him in public as a gift. That is nothing short of a miracle.

To end this blog, I want to share my favorite picture of Simon Woods. Thanks for being a great friend buddy. I can't wait to continue kicking ass with you in the future.

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